How can I get it Over. from this curse!!

I have been maaried around 2 years.It was an arrange marriage although both of us talked more than 2 months before get married as per family permission and then decided to get married. Everything was fine.Although my wife told me she had relationship but it didn't bother me a lot at the beginning. I just curious to know about her story.As soon as I got married , her ex bf send me a text which indicates they got a physical relationship.I could not even imagine it before.As in our culture , girls are pretty secured.Getting the hints, I had some cross question to my wife ..is that true or not?She admitted everything trusting me.She told me that she was forced to do that although she didn't want to do this before married and it happened twice with him and when she tried to come out , her bf tried to blackmail her emotionally.It was continuied 3 more yrs and they knew each other more than 7 yrs.Now this matter is killing my inside. I was with her only 2 months after got married and then I came to Usa.Now. ..whenever I talk to her I always go that point and start fighting vwith her on that issue.Although I know ..She felt guilty what she did and she loves me a lot.After that..I didn't even meet with her.I already informed this matter to her and my family. And doing this, I lost her faith and she doesn't trust me any more to say about ex relationship. Before married , I talked several girls but those were only for few months over the phone or internet.So, there is no question to involve vwith physical relationship with someone. This issue is now killing me every time. It seems that I m more concern about her past then present.I just get over from it and want to love her as I did when we talked first time.Please give me a solution. I don't want to ruin both lives.She will suffer more than me if I devorce her.I just want to forget her past.oh..her bf upload some photos in fb few days ago eith her and he told me that my brain will hang if I see those raw materialistic info.I don't know what those things are!!!I really don't know what should I do now??

If her boyfriend is saying these things to YOU, then I would believe her when she says that he FORCED her to have sex!! It sounds to me like he actually RAPED her. She should have told someone about it when it happened, and stayed away from him completely! I'm sorry this happened, but it sounds like it really wasn't her fault.

This is all in the PAST. What happened just plain happened, and you can't keep blaming her for something that sounds like wasn't even her fault. She's very sorry about it -- don't keep making her feel even worse. She's probably dying inside, thinking that YOU think the very WORST of her -- and there's nothing SHE can do to fix the past. No one can.

When you hold resentments like this, all you're doing is hurting yourself. You're eating yourself up on the inside. Wouldn't it be easier to forgive her? And don't you think she really deserves it? I do. I think you need to forgive her and NEVER bring it up again!! And if you two have a fight in the future, you CANNOT bring that up and throw it in her face!!! That's a rotten thing to do. So if you go back, you have to PROMISE NEVER to bring it up again.

You two deserve to have a happy life, and you can if you just plain forget the past. If you two go to church, talk to your pastor, or religious leader, and see what he says. But stay away from her ex -- he's a bad man! God bless and please take care.. Hugs, Lee

Her past is her Past ..... You are her future , you can both make a life together.

Why would you even consider divorcing her? what has she done wrong specifically to you?

I am not sure where you are from. I initially thought of India, once I read about the arranged marriage, but your English is not quite right (this is not a criticism - I am just trying to guess where you are from) for an Indian guy.

My suggestion to you is to radically change your approach to the "traditions" you have inherited from living in your country of origin. You have moved to the US for a reason, right? Do not drag those traditions with you - they are a curse rather than a blessing.

You will never know (get it - NEVER know, meaning, NOT EVER) whether your wife was forced into physical intimacy or was a willing participant, because you are not neutral, open-minded, and receptive when she talks to you about her past. In order to deserve somebody's honesty, you have to be a compassionate, neutral, and understanding listener, and you, I am sorry to say, are not a compassionate, neutral, and understanding listener - you are very judgmental. So she might have invented her story about being forced (which, believe me, is typical, and if all such stories get taken at face value, we would need to conclude that there is en epidemic of forcing young unmarried women of traditional backgrounds into physical relationships before they eagerly marry the candidate chosen by their parents - with or without any help from a professional matchmaker - with whom they talked to FOR A WHOLE ETERNITY - TWO FULL CALENDAR MONTHS!!!!!!!! before marriage) in order not to be judged.

What I would do if I were you:

- take an inventory of the "inheritance" you have received from your upbringing, evaluate each item from the standpoint of its value for you in the rest of your life, and bucket each item into either "keep" or "discard". If you like traditional foods, put them into "keep". Literature, music, etc. would probably go into "keep". That you have some sort of a right to judge your wife's "past" would probably go into "discard".

Finally, you need to realize that your prognosis for the rest of your marriage (which IS arranged - let us call a spade a spade) is already not that good. Do not make it yet worse by doing what you have been doing.

Thanks Lee.I just cried to read ur reply.I also want to forgive her but I don't know why I can't do it.This is also questioned me if she raped why she kept contact with him and it happened twice for that.Sometime I feel I should punish that guy that could really heal my pain?Sometimes I think that I should do the same with another girl what did they do si that I could take the same gulitynees and then I won't huurt her anymore thinking that I have done the same and confess to her.Is this balancing procedure will able to heal my pain?I really don't know.

Thanks.I do also believe that past is past and she didn't do any bad with me.But she could hide this truth inside her.Was it too important to inform it whether she knew I had not any serious relationship with any one ever.I just want to forget everything.I don't know how?

Thanks for ur reply . Yes , it is true that I could not be able to make myself neutral when I think about the matter and always try to blame her for everything. I want to change myself and to keep a lovely relationship and want to keep continue a nice couple life with her.Is there any medication that can improve my current situation?

I know that she is now struggling with herself what she did for.More over, it is too much sensitive issue in our society. Knowing all of these ..I really don't know why she involved such thing when she was not sure that the man is perfect for him or not!!!Usually after doing such bad thing, girls are usually try to keep hook up with a man even if the man doesn't want to break up but she did the opposite thing..Who will understand her situation ??

Plz tell me something so that I can set up a positive image on her from my soul as if I can stop bad thinking about her.I blv she is a good girl.

She is a good girl, as far as I can tell. You do not report that she has been unkind to you, rude to you, or anything. I do not know what it is that you are unhappy about - the problem is in your head, and no, there are no medications to deal with this problem - you need to change the way you think and look at things, and medications do not do that for us. Medications can dull the pain, but they won't do so selectively - you will have to "pay" for having the pain dulled for you by being less emotionally sensitive - we call it "feeling flat" in English. That would be a last resort measure for you. Save it for later.

For now, stop using the language you are using. Saying words that match the situation will by itself help you, without any extra effort - words we use are very important.

For example, you said that you are having trouble "forgiving her". Well, my friend, you will have that trouble forever because it is impossible to "forgive" her since she did not do anything to you that was so bad that it would have then required forgiveness. What did she do to you (before even meeting you) that was so bad? Did the rob you or maim you? Did she ruin your reputation in the community and your good name via slander? What did she do? Nothing. So there is nothing to forgive - drop this word and the problem will be solved.

Regarding the issue being too sensitive in your society - do you want to go back to your country any time soon?

To sum up, all the problems are fixable by fixing the way you think. You have a lot of control over it and do not need medications to help you (at the present time).

Yes..problem is in my head...I just got afraid..how cud I forget her..also think how cud she forget her past...May be..it is inside her but nvr been showed off.

I know this sounds a little weird - but when I bought my last car, another person where I worked got a nice discount on his new car from our manager. But when I asked for the same discount, I was rejected. For a while, this bothered me. Then I said, I am not going to let the displeasure of this discount ruin my pleasure of my new car. It's not worth it. If you can enjoy our new wife and build a happy life together, that is really all that matters.