[Veronica2]

I have been divorced for quite some time and have 2 older children so I know all about the complexities to dating w/children. My bf has 4 children ages 14-almost 21 that he lives near and sees frequently. We have run into multiple issues w/scheduling our time w/the kids overriding on many occasions. While I completely understand when your children have events/times they need you and plans have to be altered, what happened the other day was yet again, I felt an unnecessary altering of our plans. His eldest daughter kept messaging about she wanted him to take her out for sushi. Considering we don't live near one another and I drove 2hrs and we had plans for the day, I did not consider this an urgent event to cut into our plans. He told me he had to do this...and that was that. In this situation am I out of line to think this is yet another instance of him jumping and pushing me aside? So many times we have altered our plans for the kids to have them tell him, 'no Dad, I changed my mind I don't want to do that, see ya.' What are your thoughts as how to work this out or compromise?

[catsrhelm]

Reserve some you and me time without the kids somehow. I am sure if your boyfriend was willing, he'd make a way.

[kaliope]

It makes him a good father that he is putting his children first, but in this situation, dropping his planned time with you for sushi with his daughter was out of line. if the relationship with you was important to him, he would have made you the priority. he scheduled the time with you, he should have stuck to that schedule. he has plenty of other time to spend with his kids. his daughter would still know he loves he if they did dinner the next day.

[Veronica2]

Originally Posted by kaliope

It makes him a good father that he is putting his children first, but in this situation, dropping his planned time with you for sushi with his daughter was out of line. if the relationship with you was important to him, he would have made you the priority. he scheduled the time with you, he should have stuck to that schedule. he has plenty of other time to spend with his kids. his daughter would still know he loves he if they did dinner the next day.

That's exactly what I said to him today...he could have just been honest and told her we had plans for the day if she needed a few $ to stop by and why don't they plan on going out the next night. If he continues to jump ea time they demand something it's not only creating problems w/us but to me spoiled children...and she's not a child...it's mostly about when they want $ from him they call to see him...never to just get together for no reason. Thanks for your thoughts

[Veronica2]

Originally Posted by catsrhelm

Reserve some you and me time without the kids somehow. I am sure if your boyfriend was willing, he'd make a way.

This is exactly what we try to do...planning is pretty essential when you don't live near one another. If last minute things came up that one of the kids had something (event etc)that was impt....of course I understand...going to the mall/out for sushi is not urgent and shouldn't seem to interupt plans..yet he has that divorce 'guilt' and thinks no matter what they ask he needs to do...

[healingme4me]

No, that cancelling over sushi, to me, sounds out of line. He couldn't say, hey, daughter, lets plan a different time.

Sounds like your aren't feeling like a priority in his life, and that is a huge need. He's not following through on plans with you. How can one feel valued in a relationship, with all this cancelling of dates?

I have kids, myself. Visitation schedules with their dad, are rather consistent. Extracurricular activities are pretty consistent.

Your story, rubs me wrong, too.

Originally Posted by Veronica2

I have been divorced for quite some time and have 2 older children so I know all about the complexities to dating w/children. My bf has 4 children ages 14-almost 21 that he lives near and sees frequently. We have run into multiple issues w/scheduling our time w/the kids overriding on many occasions. While I completely understand when your children have events/times they need you and plans have to be altered, what happened the other day was yet again, I felt an unnecessary altering of our plans. His eldest daughter kept messaging about she wanted him to take her out for sushi. Considering we don't live near one another and I drove 2hrs and we had plans for the day, I did not consider this an urgent event to cut into our plans. He told me he had to do this...and that was that. In this situation am I out of line to think this is yet another instance of him jumping and pushing me aside? So many times we have altered our plans for the kids to have them tell him, 'no Dad, I changed my mind I don't want to do that, see ya.' What are your thoughts as how to work this out or compromise?

[Veronica2]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

No, that cancelling over sushi, to me, sounds out of line. He couldn't say, hey, daughter, lets plan a different time.

Sounds like your aren't feeling like a priority in his life, and that is a huge need. He's not following through on plans with you. How can one feel valued in a relationship, with all this cancelling of dates?

I have kids, myself. Visitation schedules with their dad, are rather consistent. Extracurricular activities are pretty consistent.

Your story, rubs me wrong, too.

I just got the email saying that 'if I have to make a choice btw the kids and you it will always be the kids'...Now, once again...I have 2 adult children...was divorced when they were teens and dated..and I completely understand about putting children/needs ahead of someone you're dating....w/in reason of course....this to me was totally whacked...we had previously discussed the same thing and he had agreed unless it was something 'urgent' or some event they needed him there for when we had a planned day together that would remain...and she's not a 5yr old...all of his children seem to do this but 1...she doesn't seem to care one way or another about anything...but the others will always ask(rather demand)he do things..not so much so they can spend time w/him...more of the 'buy me' type things...and he does....it's sad...sad that he feels that's the way that he's showing his love...he'll take anything he can get...I feel bad for him in that way since they seem to be using him rather then seeing he wants to be w/them...but on the same token it's completely unfair to the relationship and then when they dis him he calls me to see if I'll see him(which I normally do...but...feel like 2nd choice). So, I just told him again...I don't think we'll work if we can't compromise more...this being one...I'm ok w/getting pushed aside here/there...but something like this...no...totally not right in my eyes.

[jadzea]

It sound to me like his kids are playing the guilt card. They have learned they can make their dad jump whenerver they want and they are taking full advantage of him. You do not have to accept ths behaviour. I would not tell him to make a choice between you or his children because I assure you, you will lose. I would tell him that you expect him to keep his dates with you or give you a minimum of a day's notice if he has to cancel. He should understand that you also have a life besides the time you spend with him. Even if you just stay home and read a book, you deserve better treatment.

[Veronica2]

Originally Posted by jadzea

It sound to me like his kids are playing the guilt card. They have learned they can make their dad jump whenerver they want and they are taking full advantage of him. You do not have to accept ths behaviour. I would not tell him to make a choice between you or his children because I assure you, you will lose. I would tell him that you expect him to keep his dates with you or give you a minimum of a day's notice if he has to cancel. He should understand that you also have a life besides the time you spend with him. Even if you just stay home and read a book, you deserve better treatment.

Thank you for understanding
It seems after taking some time to think about this and realize I'm not trying to have him make a choice, but think about what is children ask of him/etc..Its not a good start if I think of them as the spoiled kids either..so he says he will work on things w/them and I will continue to try and be understanding yet he knows I won't be around if I'm always going to be an afterthought..I think this will be a process tho....it might take some time.

[patchwork5]

Good luck. I had similar issues with my girlfriend and her kids, and eventually they got worked out. Trust is a good word to invoke here; if any of his adult kids can trump his prior commitments at any time, then his word isn't actually worth anything, is it? For the kid's part, they're not spoiled if he can afford them, and if they take no gracefully. I gather you've never seen that part but asking-not-demanding is a promising sign.

If the two of you are going forward, I'm glad but yes, I don't think that's behavior you should put up with.

[Veronica2]

Originally Posted by patchwork5

Good luck. I had similar issues with my girlfriend and her kids, and eventually they got worked out. Trust is a good word to invoke here; if any of his adult kids can trump his prior commitments at any time, then his word isn't actually worth anything, is it? For the kid's part, they're not spoiled if he can afford them, and if they take no gracefully. I gather you've never seen that part but asking-not-demanding is a promising sign.

If the two of you are going forward, I'm glad but yes, I don't think that's behavior you should put up with.

I agree..asking and demanding are different..but the parent can politiely say no when necessary...saying yes everytime can also lead kids to false hopes in the 'real world'..While one day he says he understands..another he falls back..so this might take awhile to work through...Anyone w/children of course makes them first priority but having the other half in your relationship pushed aside everytime is not good..I've been speaking w/a therapist as well and she believes he has some deep codependcy issues which is where the can't say 'no' to the kids come in. My kids didn't ask for a lot as teens because they knew I couldn't afford it and I said no many times...they wouldn't think to do something like his adult daughter did..Its a fine line because you don't want to tell someone how to parent, yet now I'm part of his life I think I should be considered in some of those decisions because its effecting me/our relationship as well.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Veronica2

I just got the email saying that 'if I have to make a choice btw the kids and you it will always be the kids'...Now, once again...I have 2 adult children...was divorced when they were teens and dated..and I completely understand about putting children/needs ahead of someone you're dating....w/in reason of course....this to me was totally whacked...we had previously discussed the same thing and he had agreed unless it was something 'urgent' or some event they needed him there for when we had a planned day together that would remain...and she's not a 5yr old...all of his children seem to do this but 1...she doesn't seem to care one way or another about anything...but the others will always ask(rather demand)he do things..not so much so they can spend time w/him...more of the 'buy me' type things...and he does....it's sad...sad that he feels that's the way that he's showing his love...he'll take anything he can get...I feel bad for him in that way since they seem to be using him rather then seeing he wants to be w/them...but on the same token it's completely unfair to the relationship and then when they dis him he calls me to see if I'll see him(which I normally do...but...feel like 2nd choice). So, I just told him again...I don't think we'll work if we can't compromise more...this being one...I'm ok w/getting pushed aside here/there...but something like this...no...totally not right in my eyes.

To me, you are here, gaining others insights and advice/support. Because you are, to me, it's obvious you aren't making him choose between the two, you OR the kids?! wow.

Do you ever tell him, no, when he makes last minute plans with you? (due to his kids dissing him or cancelling on him)

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Veronica2

I agree..asking and demanding are different..but the parent can politiely say no when necessary...saying yes everytime can also lead kids to false hopes in the 'real world'..While one day he says he understands..another he falls back..so this might take awhile to work through...Anyone w/children of course makes them first priority but having the other half in your relationship pushed aside everytime is not good..I've been speaking w/a therapist as well and she believes he has some deep codependcy issues which is where the can't say 'no' to the kids come in. My kids didn't ask for a lot as teens because they knew I couldn't afford it and I said no many times...they wouldn't think to do something like his adult daughter did..Its a fine line because you don't want to tell someone how to parent, yet now I'm part of his life I think I should be considered in some of those decisions because its effecting me/our relationship as well.

Is he also, in therapy? I ask, I know a man, that has a similar worldview on his own children.

Of course, you don't want to tell another person how to parent, at the same time, you'd hope, that by now, when in the dating 'fray', he'd be able to place children and a new/newer relationship into perspective.

We don't, as parents, need to martyr ourselves to our children. We can only do our best by them. And incorporating a new person into our lives, means that we are ready to know the difference.

[Veronica2]

[QUOTE=healingme4me;3116971]Is he also, in therapy? I ask, I know a man, that has a similar worldview on his own children.

Of course, you don't want to tell another person how to parent, at the same time, you'd hope, that by now, when in the dating 'fray', he'd be able to place children and a new/newer relationship into perspective.

We don't, as parents, need to martyr ourselves to our children. We can only do our best by them. And incorporating a new person into our lives, means that we are ready to know the difference.

He has gone to counseling in the past w/divorce issues but I've been suggesting for the last few weeks for him to go for parenting guidance..this way advice is coming from an objective point of view rather then me who he may think I'm trying to draw lines etween he/children...I'm really hoping he does soon..He battles w/the x and kids get thrown in and problems occur so he tries to just say yes and make it all better..but that doesn't always work..and after battling when I come in and suggest often he feels I'm turning on him as well...cycle...At this time I'm committed to the relationship so I'm going to hang in for now..see if he gets some outside assistance to help guid him..I don't want to be his therapist..work in progrss...but if it comes to the point I'm feeling bad more then good...then its time to bow out.

[Veronica2]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

To me, you are here, gaining others insights and advice/support. Because you are, to me, it's obvious you aren't making him choose between the two, you OR the kids?! wow.

Do you ever tell him, no, when he makes last minute plans with you? (due to his kids dissing him or cancelling on him)

I have made other plans before when his plans keep flipflopping...usually w/other friends..and I have left it open for him to join me when he gets dissed..and usually he always does join me...if it was something I planned that was just a girl day then no he wouldn't be included..but he's aware I will make other plans..its just timing since sometimes the cancellation comes w/lil notice and leaves me high dry;(...But yeah..I guess if he's left twiddling his thumbs on one of those flipflop days he will feel a bit what I do..don't like to play the game tho...