[Cryingwithouttears]

Okay...I was in a relationship for 3 years.Now we got a job in different cities and were talking over phone and the relationship continued.I also made regular visits to her in every 2-3 months to her.We thought of it as a long lasting relationship.Now this girl had a very good job .And I was having a decent one.So in order to go out to ask her father for marriage I had to go up with agood job.So I was working towards it and then I realized that I was not going to match the level expected.And this was previously understood by both of us that if doesn't get good by this coming year we will break up as she can't go against her family wishes.
Now this girl from the beginning was much on the practical side and had issues with her self image.Though she is pretty and she really is,she always thought of it as a joke.I really appreciated her from my heart.
There were certain issues which we thought about that in future we were not on the same page.She wanted something else with her life and I something diferent.
Okay so now we were fighting over phone for one thing or the other.The relationship had really taken a toll on me.But since she was so dependenet on me I could not say anything about breaking up and thought it will only hurt her.I was not satisfied with this relationship.But couldnt take a step as I always had this thing that I started it and longed in front of her to please talk to me and accept my love.Now I finally decided to break up and when that point came this year that I wont be making up to her family.I said that we should break up.And we did.On that day she agreed .BuI kept talking to her as she said that she needs sometime to move on and let us be friends till she moves on.NOw after 2-3 months when I stopped feeling for her and was getting in a new relationship.She got to know about it and freaked out.She kept crying that this was not fair as I loved her and how can I move on so early.I talked to my family and everone told me if it has to go nowhere than why do both of us have to be in a relationship.But now I feel that all the crying she went thorugh w is due to me.i was the one who approached her.I am the reason for all her sorrows.And this guilt makes me feel like I should die.Why in the first place I even talked to her.I always tried to boost her attitude towards herself.Only told her that she is not bad or anything.It'is just that we two were not good together.She mailed me saying why you made all promises if you couldn't keep them.Now she wont be able to trust anyone or love anyone.Is it that I have ruined her life.Coz this is what making me sick and depressed .I have this guilt of loving her.Though I know that if I had been with her it would just have been iggnoring mysel and my aims.But now I just cant get over it that she would go back to the state of the negative attitude for herself.and if she will be able to move on or if she will fall in love again,.It it just me who is completely responsible for all that has happened.I know talking to her just makes it worse as she starts crying and I will only remind her of the things of the [past.I am dying with this feeling of guilt please help.

[healingme4me]

I realize this is hard, breaking up. Feeling like you are dying, may be something you may want to consider a hotline number Please, realize, it took two for this relationship to work and two to make it not work. If she has self image issues, those are hers. You didn't ruin her life, maybe she needs counseling?

Best bet, for now, may be to go no contact with her, until the guilt subsides. Sounds like a roller coaster from this side of the screen.

Hang in there

Originally Posted by Cryingwithouttears

Okay...I was in a relationship for 3 years.Now we got a job in different cities and were talking over phone and the relationship continued.I also made regular visits to her in every 2-3 months to her.We thought of it as a long lasting relationship.Now this girl had a very good job .And I was having a decent one.So in order to go out to ask her father for marriage I had to go up with agood job.So I was working towards it and then I realized that I was not going to match the level expected.And this was previously understood by both of us that if doesn't get good by this coming year we will break up as she can't go against her family wishes.
Now this girl from the beginning was much on the practical side and had issues with her self image.Though she is pretty and she really is,she always thought of it as a joke.I really appreciated her from my heart.
There were certain issues which we thought about that in future we were not on the same page.She wanted something else with her life and I something diferent.
Okay so now we were fighting over phone for one thing or the other.The relationship had really taken a toll on me.But since she was so dependenet on me I could not say anything about breaking up and thought it will only hurt her.I was not satisfied with this relationship.But couldnt take a step as I always had this thing that I started it and longed in front of her to please talk to me and accept my love.Now I finally decided to break up and when that point came this year that I wont be making up to her family.I said that we should break up.And we did.On that day she agreed .BuI kept talking to her as she said that she needs sometime to move on and let us be friends till she moves on.NOw after 2-3 months when I stopped feeling for her and was getting in a new relationship.She got to know about it and freaked out.She kept crying that this was not fair as I loved her and how can I move on so early.I talked to my family and everone told me if it has to go nowhere than why do both of us have to be in a relationship.But now I feel that all the crying she went thorugh w is due to me.i was the one who approached her.I am the reason for all her sorrows.And this guilt makes me feel like I should die.Why in the first place I even talked to her.I always tried to boost her attitude towards herself.Only told her that she is not bad or anything.It'is just that we two were not good together.She mailed me saying why you made all promises if you couldn't keep them.Now she wont be able to trust anyone or love anyone.Is it that I have ruined her life.Coz this is what making me sick and depressed .I have this guilt of loving her.Though I know that if I had been with her it would just have been iggnoring mysel and my aims.But now I just cant get over it that she would go back to the state of the negative attitude for herself.and if she will be able to move on or if she will fall in love again,.It it just me who is completely responsible for all that has happened.I know talking to her just makes it worse as she starts crying and I will only remind her of the things of the [past.I am dying with this feeling of guilt please help.

[roads]

Breaking up is really, really, TRULY!! hard to do.
But you gotta do it, if the love isn't there any longer.

You two had a plan you'd agreed on, you followed it--tried to--she didn't.
Now you need to follow through with it without looking back. Do it.

Do it.

Be a grownup, live your own life for yourself. If her family isn't supportive enough to help her through this time, she needs a good counselor. That isn't your place now. This isn't a LifeTime Movie, so please don't try to be her friend.

[Cryingwithouttears]

Thanks for the replies Roadie and Healingme4me....But I dont know this thought of "will she be living in a good way or not"."Will she be happy ever again" is just literally consuming me.Even when sometimes I decide that I will move on from this feeling and will take care of my health,I feel that she is sad and weeping there and I have no right to have a good life as I am the person who started this.Though I never had any bad intention for this whole relationship.Never.But this guilt is just eating me up and is getting in the way of any positive thing that I want to start.

[hamster-bamster]

She is an adult person responsible for her own happiness. I think you need individual therapy to build a healthy boundary around yourself.

You are responsible for your happiness and she, for hers.

[avlady]

Try to stay away as much as possible, she has her own life too, you've made your decision so stick by it. just don't let her hanging in there, break up with her mutually, as you've said you did, until she came back again, and don't let her blame you for anything, it takes two to tango.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Cryingwithouttears

Thanks for the replies Roadie and Healingme4me....But I dont know this thought of "will she be living in a good way or not"."Will she be happy ever again" is just literally consuming me.Even when sometimes I decide that I will move on from this feeling and will take care of my health,I feel that she is sad and weeping there and I have no right to have a good life as I am the person who started this.Though I never had any bad intention for this whole relationship.Never.But this guilt is just eating me up and is getting in the way of any positive thing that I want to start.

It's up to her to find her own happiness. Of course, it takes time to move on and heal. Sounds like rescuing mode to prevent her from feeling her own pain and anguish. Those are rather normal feelings to have, after a break up.
Are you being fair to the new person, in your life, when you aren't letting go, of your past relationship?

[Cryingwithouttears]

hamster-bamster avlady healingme4me

okay so two days back i got an email from her that she is ready to move on and wont do anything to interfere in my life.She said that she just wanted to apologize for all the bad things that she said and is sorry.Wished me good luck and goodbye.

I have been in no contact with her for last one and a half month.Nothing from my side.So I also didn't replied to her email this time also.

Now today she mails me that it is so shocking to see no replies from me and all the good things have ended from this world.She dont want to believe in what others say that good things will happen to her and to believe in God and dont think of harming herself.She said but she now thinks that it looks like all of our relationship all these years was a lie and she just feels like that it looks like she has befooled herself."And if life is that sucking .I seriously wanna quit."......

I am disturbed as hell.Why she can't just move on and live.Why has her all feelings and thoughts are so centered on me.She won't go to a therapist I know.She is too stubborn..What should I do.Should I talk to her.But I have talked to her before and have tried to make her understand things.But that just makes it worse i.e. if I talk she gets some hope that I will come back to her.But I seriously don't want to....But these threats of her suicide really have disturbed me .I dont know what to do ......please help

[Bill3]

You just explained why you do not want to talk to her at any length.

If in the US, you could reply with a suggestion to call 1-800-273-TALK (National Suicide Prevention Hotline) if she is having thoughts of suicide. Nothing more than that.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You just explained why you do not want to talk to her at any length.

If in the US, you could reply with a suggestion to call 1-800-273-TALK (National Suicide Prevention Hotline) if she is having thoughts of suicide. Nothing more than that.

Believe me, Bill is right.

If not in the US, look for the local hotline.

[Cryingwithouttears]

Okay...I tried to be strong and to deal with my emotions...but it was my birthday two days back...and I got a mail from a different Email ID (I have blocked all the previous ones she used to contact me) wishing me happy birthday...and that she will die in some days and she is crying for 15 hours everyday.....and that she is just waiting for her elder brother to get married(the marriage is not even fixed yet)and then she will commit suicide and maybe then I will realize her love......that got me sad and I didn't even feel like celebrating.. why this sadness not going away...I am trying to be happy but her every single communication takes me on a very depressing emotional ride...what should I do??Will this ever end...

[Bill3]

This is known as emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

You can change your email address and any other contact information that she may have.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You can change your email address and any other contact information that she may have.

If you change the email address, make sure to 1) set up autoforwarding, 2) announce the change to all your contacts so that they can update their records.

I still think that you can go it without changing the email address, because lots of your contacts have your email address and it is a nuisance to change/forward/update etc. Not IMPOSSIBLE, but a NUISANCE.

So if you want to really cut to the chase, you need to write to her stating that your policy on suicidal letters stipulates that such letters be forwarded to the local police department of the sender, out of concern for the sender's safety. Say that to the extent that her most recent communication did not mention an immediate threat to her existence, you would not forward it to the police department, but, "going forward", as they say, you will not make any exceptions to your policy on suicidal letters. Period.

Since she is engaging in emotional blackmail (thanks Bill for the right terminology), it is only fair to be a little harsh in response.

best!

[Lisamom]

Hi Crying,
Breaking up is hard and your contact with your ex is dragging out the break up. Every time you reply, it gives her hope that you will reunite. Her desperate talk is most likely her last hope at drawing you back. It is emotional blackmail. If you stop responding, she will move on. It sounds cruel, but it sounds like every contact with her renews hope inside her that you can get back together. I have been on both sides of difficult break ups and I think it is harder on your end because the guilt can eat you up. You don't owe some one you dated your future. You did not marry. Dating is a time to discover who and what you want. You could never make her truly happy because you are not in love with her. She deserves some one who really loves her. You are honestly doing what is best for her by severing ties. She will be fine.