[jkbob]

My H was a wonderful person when we first met. We fell madly in love instantly and mirrored how strongly I felt about him. We spent a lot of time together but were totally okay being alone. Neither of us felt smothered by all of the attention we lavished on each other because it was equal.

I got pregnant 3 months into our relationship, he proposed right away and while I felt some concern about the proposal I knew I wanted to be with him.

I was ****** to him for about 2 years and then I "grew up" and have been working my tail off in every way possible to repair our marriage.

Fast forward 4 years. H does not like me, does not want to be with me, and tells me he will not put up with me any longer. He has given up and refuses to even try but at the same time does nothing to leave. He tells me I will never change and we simply can't get along. This breaks my heart.

He is physically and verbally abusive. He has had multiple online affairs, lied many times, and he refuses to have sex with me. So why do I still love him? Why do I so desperately want to fix our marriage? Why won't he love me?

[Trippin2.0]

Do you love yourself? Others can't ever love us "completely" if we don't love ourselves first.

IMO, I don't think you love yourself, if you did you wouldn't subject yourself to this type of treatment.

I'm really sorry you're hurting, I am, but you can't make him love you and staying is just giving him permission to treat you the way he does.

Yes you were inlove when you met, but inlove can often times be a fleeting emotion, which needs to be re-ignited continuously. Real love is a state of being that never fades and can only be achieved with the passage of time. By getting to know and accept each other for who the other really is.

Idk you, but it seems like you 2 skipped that part and didn't evolve past "inlove" . Doesn't seem like you got to know and love eachother on an intrinsic level before marrying. Which is probably why you've been blindsided by hubby's current behaviour

Personally, I wouldn't even dare try fixing it as you've already mentioned physical abuse. I've been there, had the bruises and emotional scars to show it, not just the T-shirt. Love doesn't equal pain, and pain is all you seem to be getting from this man.

You deserve love, honesty, trust, loyalty and compassion. You are worthy of real love, I hope you know this as a personal truth. You deserve wayyyy better than what you have settled for

[leaJ]

OMG...My relationship sounds like the beginning of yours. Fell in love fast, perfect relationship, got pregnant (PLANNED by both of us)...now I am 6 months pregnant and everything has completely changed. We have no connection, I get nothing emotionally from him. When I try to talk he doesn't want to hear it, we don't sleep in the same bed...he tells me all the time nobody else would ever want me or put up with me...
It's horrible. I feel your pain, I really do. Trying to make things work because of the baby, but the difference is I don't feel that kind of love for him anymore. But I spend hours a day crying, mourning my relationship...I don't understand it.

[KathyM]

((jkbob)) I've been in your shoes, had my heart ripped out, and learned some valuable lessons.

I think, from the beginning, you didn't give yourself enough time to get to know your husband - and vice versa. It's rather easy to fall madly in love and enjoy the good times. But the true test of a relationship is how well you can endure the bad times together - i.e., disagreements, tragedy, crisis. If you don't spend enough time getting to know the real person, chances are you won't be on the same page when it matters most.

My relationship with my ex-husband was similar to yours. I was determined to make it last, but over time I realized it was eating away at my soul and destroying my confidence.

I see such a difference with my current husband, and we've been together over 20 years. I love him with all my heart - even when he's an ahole. He loves me with all his heart - even when I'm a complete b**ch.

If your husband is unwilling to work on this marriage, don't waste your time. He doesn't sound like the type who deserves a woman who will bend over backwards for him. Take care of yourself and build up your strength....for the sake of your child.

The fact that you "love" him is totally irrelevant! The only thing that really should matter to you is how you are being treated. The fact that he is abusive to you should be enough to make you walk away from this man forever as he will never change.

This is where self-esteem and self love comes in. If you stay you are sending a message to your self that it is ok with you to be abused. This means you are trashing your self-esteem big time.

A first step in self love would be to end all contact with this man immediately. If that is hard for you to do then you need to seek out counseling to help you get out of the relationship.

[healingme4me]

Is it love that you feel for this man, or the desire to be in a loving relationship that you love?

If he's physically abusive, never mind that verbally--words sting and damage, how can that be someone you can honestly look at a feel 'love' for?

He's miserable, yet refuses to leave? But he's having affairs. Whatever you may have done during the first two years of your marriage is irrelevant and doesn't justify how he treats you, right here, right now.

You 'grew up', after whatever it was that you did, the first two years. You are a mom now. Is being beaten something that you want your child to witness time and again? And even if they don't 'see it', they sense it, can hear things that may not make sense to them now, but it's creating a sense of 'normalcy' for them when people stay in relationships that are abusive.

Do you currently have a therapist? Do you know why people stay in abusive marriages? What brings the abused to the relationship and what brings the abuser to be abusive?

[jkbob]

Yes I have a therapist and we've been talking about all of this for the most part. It's not easy to talk about. I don't want to be treated this way and I don't want our girls to witness this or think this is "normal" in a relationship. I also don't want to give up because I do know, deep down, that my husband is a wonderful person.

[KathyM]

(((jkbob)))

My ex-husband is a wonderful person too. He was just a lousy husband, I became a lousy wife, and together our lives were miserable. As much as I loved him back then, I'm oh so thankful I'm not still married to him. You couldn't PAY me to be married to him - he's someone else's problem now. He probably feels the same way, lol. On a human level, we get along great - but it's because I no longer consider him a husband, a lover, or a friend....out of respect for my husband and his wife.

As much as it hurt me, I never badmouthed my ex to my son because our relationships were different. He had a right to love or not love his father without any interference from me. My son built up some resentment of his own, but the two of them managed to work things out at a time when my son needed him most. My ex never provided financial or emotional support back then, but I'm grateful for the connection they have now.

I'm glad you're placing your children first in this, and I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Whether you like it or not, you and your husband are role models for your girls. Would your husband want his girls to seek out a man who will abuse, disrespect, and break their hearts? If you find another husband, would he be okay with them calling another man "daddy?" If he loves his girls, he can start by modeling how a good man is supposed to treat his beloved wife. Maybe then you can show them how a good woman is supposed to treat her beloved husband. If the marriage does not work out, you both can show them how to be civil with each other, despite the storms - all the while placing them first.

My heart goes out to you and your family.....good luck.