[leaJ]

Hi. I am new to this site, and also pretty new to actually seeking help for my psych issues, though I have had them for as long as I can remember. I just started psychotherapy last week and am hopeful for a diagnosis and proper treatment.
I'm 34 and I am 6 months pregnant, and right now alot of my issues come from the fact that I am pregnant and having serious relationship issues.At least that seems to be what I'm focusing on and ruminating over. I have tried and tried to talk to my bf about worsening symptoms of depression. I have tried so hard to look for him for support...
I'm not good at admitting my problems, and when I tell him that I cry all the time when he's not here, that I have suicidal thoughts...he told me I'm a drama queen, rolls his eyes at me or just says "Oh, God" and turns his back to me. This pregnancy was planned even though we hadn't been together long, and we had a perfect relationship until about 2-3 months into the pregnancy. I feel like he has completely abandoned me. He doesn't participate in the pregnancy at all...he doesn't even really know how far along I am, he doesn't read anything about pregnancy or being a father...my best friend has been taking pictures of me every month to compare but he hasn't offered or asked to take even one. When I tell him I'm not happy and I want to break up he says, sarcastically "oh, yeah, right". He tells me all the time that nobody else will want me and nobody else will ever put up with me. He tells me I'll regret it because he won't come back and I'll never find anyone like him...but I don't even know what that is supposed to mean because I feel like I get nothing from him, ever. He's destroying my self-esteem and I find myself talking to ex bf's all the time, and sometimes strangers on dating sites, looking for some kind of validation. It's hard for me to make the distinction between what is actually happening in my relationship and what may just be thought alteration on my part. He tells me nothing is wrong and it's all in my head...he tells me I'm crazy...
I know some of it is pregnancy hormones and people say that you shouldn't make any life changing decisions while your pregnant, but sometimes leaving seems more like a life SAVING decision. He tells me he won't go to couples counseling bc he is not the one that needs it and if they tell him he's wrong he's just going to get up and leave anyways. I still can't help but feel like if he can't be here for me when I need him the most then he doesn't deserve to be here when I get better. Last night I realized when I went to my first therapy appt. that I put my best friend down as my emergency contact instead of him, and it made me sad...I told him that and he started yelling at me, telling me what a horrible thing that was to say to him and then walked across the room, while I was sitting there crying, and turned the TV on. I feel like he is emotionally abusive, but I don't know if these things really are just in my head. I know I have no insight into my relationship at all right now, and I am so, so confused about everything.

[hamster-bamster]

He is emotionally abusive on many levels.

Pregnancy is as good a time as ever to make important decisions.

I hate typing on the phone and will respond at length from home. You did the right thing reaching out for help via therapy and posting.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by leaJ

I'm 34 and I am 6 months pregnant, and right now alot of my issues come from the fact that I am pregnant and having serious relationship issues.

When I tell him I'm not happy and I want to break up he says, sarcastically "oh, yeah, right". He tells me all the time that nobody else will want me and nobody else will ever put up with me.

I find myself talking to ex bf's all the time, and sometimes strangers on dating sites,

The same attributes that caused/cause your ex bf's/current dating site visitors to like you will allow you to find somebody else who will want you.

Do not listen to him. He is not the center of the universe.

[leaJ]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

The same attributes that caused/cause your ex bf's/current dating site visitors to like you will allow you to find somebody else who will want you.

Do not listen to him. He is not the center of the universe.

OMG...that is exactly how I feel...like he thinks he's the center of the universe. It's funny that you picked up on that in him just from reading my post. At least now I know it's not just me being crazy.

[Harley47]

You're not being crazy at all Leaj. He is. He is being a classic example of emotional abuse...the apathy towards you, the insults, the degradation of your self esteem...all that are hallmarks of emotional abuse. His goal in telling you that you won't find someone like him (and believe me, given what I've read, that's probably a GOOD thing) is to make you afraid to leave him by virtue of fear of loneliness. Don't believe that, not for a moment. It's a baseless lie on his part.

If he's unwilling to go to couples counseling and seemingly unwilling to put forth effort into the relationship...I can't see how this can work. I am sorry. But I do think that what you feel is in the best interest of you and your child is the best route to go. Right now, I can't see this guy being part of the "best interest."

I do hope things work out for the best Leaj, and do know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Harley

[RoseBee]

First of all, you are not crazy. Secondly, the reason he tells you that you will never find anyone better than him is because he knows you can and wants to make you believe you can't so he can hang on to you. Attacking your self esteem is not okay and him TALKING like that to you is not okay. You have a planned child together, and if he treats you that way, imagine the way he is going to treat your little one. What lessons will your child learn in that environment?

Have you talked to your therapist about this? Sometimes they can give you ways to talk to your partner that is non confrontational but also sets boundaries.

Only you can figure out what will work for you and your family, but if I were in the situation, I would leave because my self esteem and mental wellness is not worth an abusive relationship. and much

[kaliope]

you seem to have a lot of insight in to what is going on. you see that you are depressed, he is abusive and you are seeking validation outside the relationship because you cant get your needs met from the relationship. He is using the classic tactics of an abuser. Being alone is better than that. Your self esteem is more important. you have the support of your friend, you obviously can attract other men if you are attracting them on dating sites. Right now it is best that you discover who you are, for you and your baby.

[healingme4me]

*sarcastic wit here*, you aren't having a baby with my exh, are you?! ((no, no seriously, you couldn't possibly be, but wow...))

Some of the things you mentioned your bf says, I can HEAR the tone of voice being used!!!

I have had that used with me! And I loathe it, my ex, uses that tone, those remarks. AS IF, he's the greatest thing, since sliced bread!

The lack of involvement with the pregnancy, lack of desire just to share the pregnancy, etc. Never mind, the flying accusations during pregnancy #2 and #3...oh boy!!

Sure you are at a heightened level of sensitivity, after all, you are carry a child, but still..sometimes it's these life changing moments that bring about the realization that the men we bare children for are no good for us!!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by leaJ

OMG...that is exactly how I feel...like he thinks he's the center of the universe. It's funny that you picked up on that in him just from reading my post. At least now I know it's not just me being crazy.

Oh, I picked up on that for a very good reason - I had the same kind of (now ex) 2nd H. There are just too many similarities and I do not, unfortunately, have enough time to write in-depth now, but no, no, no, you are NOT crazy!

It has been recommended to me that I watch that old classic movie "Gaslight" in which the H convinces the W that she is crazy and she starts seeing evidence of it. I have not watched it but plan to. I think you should, too.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Oh, I picked up on that for a very good reason - I had the same kind of (now ex) 2nd H. There are just too many similarities and I do not, unfortunately, have enough time to write in-depth now, but no, no, no, you are NOT crazy!

It has been recommended to me that I watch that old classic movie "Gaslight" in which the H convinces the W that she is crazy and she starts seeing evidence of it. I have not watched it but plan to. I think you should, too.

I own that movie, and have watched it! Their behavior is crazy making behavior, in essence.

One thing I have learned, is that what ever is usually said, at least in my case, has been a projected fear of baggage, unresolved from his past.

For instance, the accusations, even now, are fear that I'll behave like his own mother did.

Little stuff like that, with a lot of therapy, self-help, etc, will help one gain clarity through the stuff tossed your way.

[hannabee]

Yes, I'm sorry to say, I also agree that he is being emotionalyl abusive. Can't you move in with family until after the baby is born? and then insist on couples therapy before getting back with him. Hugs!

[leaJ]

Thank you for the responses. I have spent the last 3 nights sleeping on my couch, because sleeping in a bed with someone who ignores me, turns their back to me and sleeps as far away as they possibly can like they're afraid they might accidentally touch me is completely unbearable right now. Last night I told him I wanted him to leave, I didn't cry or show any emotion about it. I told him he could go hate me from somewhere far away because all he is doing is making me miserable and I can't stand it anymore. Then he started text messaging me (yes, from the other room), trying to be nice, about how I know he can be a good dad and a good husband (IDK where that came from but there is no way in hell I would marry him) blah blah blah...text me twice from work today about how he doesn't want to leave and then came home and said he was calling to make an appt for couple's therapy (which he previously refused, because "I'm the crazy one" not him. The thing is, I'm at the point where I don't know if I ever care about him anymore and I don't even know if I want to go. At the same time he told me this he also told me that he googled about pregnancy (LIKE I ASKED HIM TOO) and that ALL pregnant women hate their husbands, it's hormones, and it'll go away. That really irritated me. I feel like instead of trying to read up on what's actually happening with me and the baby and how to support your partner, he did that to find a way to justify himself. So now he wants to go to therapy, even though he believes that the only reason we are having problems is because I am hormonal because of the pregnancy. WTH.

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by leaJ

. So now he wants to go to therapy, even though he believes that the only reason we are having problems is because I am hormonal because of the pregnancy. WTH.

Be careful of this and his texts and sweet self right now. This sounds like the cycle of abuse: Tear down, confrontation, make you feel like a queen, repeat. Pretty soon, the feel like a queen part will go away once he knows he doesn't have to do that because you won't leave. I've been in that and it sucks.

[leaJ]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Yes, I'm sorry to say, I also agree that he is being emotionalyl abusive. Can't you move in with family until after the baby is born? and then insist on couples therapy before getting back with him. Hugs!

I don't really have any family, but the house is mine, he moved in with me. So it will be he that ends up packing his bags, not I. I learned my lesson about that a long time ago.

[hamster-bamster]

So several things about the timing of all that.

Pictures taken by your friend as your belly grew are great. I wish I had any taken when I was pregnant. So keep doing that. I also know that some women get a cast molded after the shape of your belly. Sounds like a great keepsake to me! Find out how much it costs in your area and if it affordable, get it done when you are eight months pregnant.

A professional photographer taking art quality nude or seminude pictures of pregnant women would be great, too.

Doulas for childbirth are well worth their fees. Before you spend money on couples therapy, make sure you can afford hiring a doula. There are a lot of men around and men are not an endangered species so before you pour money into improving the relationship with this particular easily repla

[leaJ]

Originally Posted by RoseBee

Be careful of this and his texts and sweet self right now. This sounds like the cycle of abuse: Tear down, confrontation, make you feel like a queen, repeat. Pretty soon, the feel like a queen part will go away once he knows he doesn't have to do that because you won't leave. I've been in that and it sucks.

I know...that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I am at the point now where I'm angry enough that I don't care if he leaves, and I know if he left now I would get through it okay. But it seems like every time I let him near me he just ends up hurting me again, and every time it ends up worse than it was before. I swear, it seems like it's constant competition with him...the more I tell him I need, the more he ignores me. I know it doesn't make sense but sometimes I really feel like he knows exactly what he is doing and he likes hurting me, like it makes him feel like he has the upper hand or something. It's exhausting

[leaJ]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

So several things about the timing of all that.

Pictures taken by your friend as your belly grew are great. I wish I had any taken when I was pregnant. So keep doing that. I also know that some women get a cast molded after the shape of your belly. Sounds like a great keepsake to me! Find out how much it costs in your area and if it affordable, get it done when you are eight months pregnant.

A professional photographer taking art quality nude or seminude pictures of pregnant women would be great, too.

Doulas for childbirth are well worth their fees. Before you spend money on couples therapy, make sure you can afford hiring a doula. There are a lot of men around and men are not an endangered species so before you pour money into improving the relationship with this particular easily repla

I actually called a photographer friend about doing some pictures a few days ago! He's a male friend, professional photographer, who has asked to photograph my tattoos in the past, so I'm sure when the bf finds out he won't like it, but I guess if he would have cared to take any pictures on his own or get some of us together than it wouldn't be an issue, would it.
And I actually hadn't thought about the casting, but one of my best friends husbands did one of her, and all three of us are really close so I'm sure I could ask him to do one for me. I think it would be really cool to hang in the nursery for the first year or so. Thanks for the ideas!!!

[hamster-bamster]

Easily replacable man, you need to first pour money, time, and energy into having a healthy pregnancy and a great childbirth experience, since pregnancy and birth are, unlike men, rare. You will probably only have a couple kids. So focus on eating, exercising, being properly hydrated, resting... swimming is an absolute best for the later months of pregnancy.

You need to see a lawyer in regards to possible support from the bf, in the future.?

You need to decide if the bf should watch the birth. It does not sound like his presence at birth would give you any joy, but the decision is yours if he is interested, and, good riddance if he is not interested.

Legal fees and doula fees should take priority over couples therapy fees, in my opinion. First things first.

[hamster-bamster]

It is ok that the photographer is male. As long as he knows what he is doing with his crft, you will be ok.

[leaJ]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Easily replacable man, you need to first pour money, time, and energy into having a healthy pregnancy and a great childbirth experience, since pregnancy and birth are, unlike men, rare. You will probably only have a couple kids. So focus on eating, exercising, being properly hydrated, resting... swimming is an absolute best for the later months of pregnancy.

You need to see a lawyer in regards to possible support from the bf, in the future.?

You need to decide if the bf should watch the birth. It does not sound like his presence at birth would give you any joy, but the decision is yours if he is interested, and, good riddance if he is not interested.

Legal fees and doula fees should take priority over couples therapy fees, in my opinion. First things first.

I do have a very good attorney, because I also have a 13 year old son and I hired him when his father and I split up. He was my mother's divorce attorney. I haven't spoken with him regarding this issue yet. He knows I'm pregnant because I saw him a few months ago for my son (who is now refusing to go to his father's house for visitation) but I'm reluctant to call him. He has a wonderful wife and always talks about his daughter (when he saw me he told me that his wife's pregnancy was the best time of their lives)...it's just depressing and in the past 13 years I've seen him for my son's custody issues, a divorce, and now this. The man must think I'm a complete disaster
I know it will probably come to that though...a few days ago when we were "talking" about breaking up, he informed me that I wasn't getting child support from him, because I wasn't getting a penny of his money. He also told me that he would get full custody of the baby because I'm not working (I pay most of the bills, btw...from savings, because I put away money so I wouldn't have to work full time when I went back to school. He also lives in MY house which I bought 7 years ago BY MYSELF). I know that this won't happen, but this is what I'm dealing with...he's completely irrational, and so arrogant that he really thinks he's just going to walk into a court room and tell the judge what's going to happen. UGH!!!!

[hamster-bamster]

Your lawyer has seen worse cases, trust me. You need to get him involved.