[PapoPez22]

Last night we were lying in bed all cuddly and I showed him a meme that said "Where do astronauts hang out?" above the image of a keyboard that had a little astronaut sitting on the spacebar all drunk. Some commenters wrote "that took a while to get!" which was kind of dumb to me since it was so obvious. My boyfriend couldn't see it very well until I pointed it out. We started laughing and I said "that's alright, baby, there's nothing wrong with being a little slow" (as a joke, since he is one of the smartest people I know). That was enough to set him off on one of his angry fits in which he goes on and on insisting on making me feel bad (almost trying to make me cry) in order to "redeem" himself.

After 6 months of living together, this last non-sense made me seek info about verbal abuse. I found a Psych Central article titled "Signs that you are verbally abused: Part I" by Marie Hartwell-Walker, ED.D. and I've realized I am, in fact, in a verbally abusive relationship with a 50/50 loving/angry boyfriend. I read the Part II as well and, I've got to admit, we have almost every symptom of a verbally abusive relationship, even though I stand up to him every time he lashes out on me because I refuse to let him mistreat me without me doing something about it.

It is quite hard to figure this out because my boyfriend is very smart, manipulative and not physically aggresive. He never calls me names or insults me in a way that is evident. But he does tries to put me down to feel powerful and in control. If I end up crying, then accuses me of being too sensitive, too naive, or not getting his "black humor" (look at the dictionary, buddy!). He's also guilty of justifying his mistreatment for my own good and wellbeing, making me second guess myself, and of accusing me of provoking his anger fits, when I clearly understand that none of it is my fault. In spite of everything, he's always hugging me and giving me kisses and cuddling with me. There's no doubt in my mind he loves me and cares about me. That's why it has taken me a while to be able to point this out.

The author talks about the possibility of fixing things with a therapist/counselor, and I do think there's a chance of fixing this (like a typical victim who believes "things can be changed", perhaps? Who knows). My question is, how do I go about it? I have said a couple of times before "you bully me" to him, but never in a very serious context. I want to find a way to tell him like "Look, this is what's happening between us, and I want you to understand it so we can work this out if you really want to do it with me and for us", but I worry he's gonna lashout, blame me again and shut me down. I have to do something about it, though, because all this negativity will end up giving me a disease.

Oh, and that's another thing,... is there like public counseling services in NYC or somewhere where we can go without charging us half of our income?

[healingme4me]

Sorry to read that you've read the list and feel your relationship falls into this category

One thing, to start, is to find out what is covered under your insurance for individual therapy, yes, individual.

A trained therapist, can help you weed out what is being said, in your relationship and help you figure out what it is that leaves you having your own reactions to what is said(even stuffing the emotions away, and ignoring can be something to be worked out in counseling), and to learn to work on setting healthy personal boundaries, and how to speak up and effectively communicate. (i.e., When I hear this said, I feel this, and I need this to happen when I feel this).

Whether or not you can get him into therapy, well that's his choice and up to him. If someone feels coerced into therapy(i.e., ultimatums or something close to it), the therapy process may not set in. A person needs to go to counseling for themselves, not for the sake of someone else.

Hang in there.

Originally Posted by AlexCL0730

Last night we were lying in bed all cuddly and I showed him a meme that said "Where do astronauts hang out?" above the image of a keyboard that had a little astronaut sitting on the spacebar all drunk. Some commenters wrote "that took a while to get!" which was kind of dumb to me since it was so obvious. My boyfriend couldn't see it very well until I pointed it out. We started laughing and I said "that's alright, baby, there's nothing wrong with being a little slow" (as a joke, since he is one of the smartest people I know). That was enough to set him off on one of his angry fits in which he goes on and on insisting on making me feel bad (almost trying to make me cry) in order to "redeem" himself.

After 6 months of living together, this last non-sense made me seek info about verbal abuse. I found a Psych Central article titled "Signs that you are verbally abused: Part I" by Marie Hartwell-Walker, ED.D. and I've realized I am, in fact, in a verbally abusive relationship with a 50/50 loving/angry boyfriend. I read the Part II as well and, I've got to admit, we have almost every symptom of a verbally abusive relationship, even though I stand up to him every time he lashes out on me because I refuse to let him mistreat me without me doing something about it.

It is quite hard to figure this out because my boyfriend is very smart, manipulative and not physically aggresive. He never calls me names or insults me in a way that is evident. But he does tries to put me down to feel powerful and in control. If I end up crying, then accuses me of being too sensitive, too naive, or not getting his "black humor" (look at the dictionary, buddy!). He's also guilty of justifying his mistreatment for my own good and wellbeing, making me second guess myself, and of accusing me of provoking his anger fits, when I clearly understand that none of it is my fault. In spite of everything, he's always hugging me and giving me kisses and cuddling with me. There's no doubt in my mind he loves me and cares about me. That's why it has taken me a while to be able to point this out.

The author talks about the possibility of fixing things with a therapist/counselor, and I do think there's a chance of fixing this (like a typical victim who believes "things can be changed", perhaps? Who knows). My question is, how do I go about it? I have said a couple of times before "you bully me" to him, but never in a very serious context. I want to find a way to tell him like "Look, this is what's happening between us, and I want you to understand it so we can work this out if you really want to do it with me and for us", but I worry he's gonna lashout, blame me again and shut me down. I have to do something about it, though, because all this negativity will end up giving me a disease.

Oh, and that's another thing,... is there like public counseling services in NYC or somewhere where we can go without charging us half of our income?

[Leed]

Hello Alex ~ Yes, it sounds like you are definitely being abused - verbally and emotionally. It sounds like he's quite good at it too.

Do you really want to stay with this man? Do you REALLY think he will change? He's had YEARS of acting like this, and even if you went to therapy, do you think that in a slight "tiff" that he wouldn't "relapse" and fall back into his old behavior? He sure WOULD.

This is just my opinion, since I've seen this happen dozens of times but you can try therapy and he may SEEM to have "gotten it." But the first time you disagree with him or you two have a fight -- he'll start abusing you again. Do you want to live like that? I did for 26 years, and it was HELL.

There are some therapists that see patients on a "sliding scale" based on ability to pay -- but you have to call around to find them. Perhaps some that you call can refer you to the ones who see patients like that. I don't know if they'd advertise in the yellow pages or not! LOL You can also check with your County Mental Health Department and see what they have to offer -- they may have some services available. It's worth a call.

I wish you the very best, my friend. I hope things work out for you! God bless and PLEASE take care of YOU! Gentle hugs, Lee

See, it may be just me…but, I have never understood how a -slight- [some insult framed as humor] was ever joking. Perhaps there is something faulty in my thinking. But, I do not lay insult in jest. Therefore I do not understand it as something other than passive-aggression. Perhaps this is a flaw of mine, I am too "sensitive" or some such thing.

So, when you say that " We started laughing and I said "that's alright, baby, there's nothing wrong with being a little slow" I find my response being, "Huh, a little slow?" You then label his response as an "angry fit in order to redeem himself" Redeem himself from what exactly?

I fear I am confused…since, after all you went on to state his history to be "not physically aggressive, he never calls names, or insults ", "Is always hugging, kissing, cuddling" you. "No doubt in your mind he loves you and cares about you"

I dunno, perhaps you need some further opinions, but from what I am reading, I can't see it. I see a reverse actually.

[PapoPez22]

I see what you mean, Lex, and I'm glad you posted it here. That's exactly the reason why I came to this forum and not to family or friends, expecting unbiased opinions like yours that could enlighten me.

Maybe I was wrong on joking about him "being a little slow" and he was in his right to be mad about it. Honestly, is the 1st time in my life I say such a thing to him, and I kind of expected him to get the irony since everybody knows how clever and smart he is. It was my bad.

However, if you feel sensitive about that, you'll be torn away if you knew the kind of things he says to me. The most disrespectful thing he has ever said was a few weeks ago (I could explain the whole story but it's kinda long and unnecessary) when he couldn't answer me a question, so he decided to yell at me "SHUT THE ***** UP!! ***** YOU!! MIND YOUR OWN F*CKING BUSINESS!!". So uncalled for. I'm not going to lie, I yelled at him the same thing when he repeated the same insult for a 2nd time because, again, I have developed this angry self in order to match his temper and defend myself. Later I felt really stupid because never in my life would I have imagined I would be saying such a thing to someone I love, and wouldn't have expected for someone to insult me like that either. A few days ago this incident was brought up and he claims he doesn't remember it... but later apologized to me about it.

I know it is a very confusing thing to say that he is very loving and angry at the same time. But that's the truth and that's why it is so hard to identify the verbal abuse (actually, my best friend had said to me once: "his behavior towards you falls under abuse" ... I guess I didn't see it at the time). When I say that he doesn't calls me names, I mean, for example, he doesn't say "You're ignorant" directly... but he frequently treats me like one. (English is not my 1st language so its kinda hard to translate this...) He would say such things like "Oh, here, let me draw you a map so you can understand it better" or "repeat after me", or "i don't know where your brain is, honestly". So, the fact that he is not directly calling me a name doesn't mean he is verbally abusing me. After reading the mentioned article, I couldn't help but identify myself with 3 out of 4 scenarios. I guess my case is kind of peculiar since I am able to see when he's being manipulative (his sister also confirmed this to me some time ago), or even fight him back when he verbally attacks me, which actually turns out to be a very bad way to react, of course.

I think it all comes down to anger management problems. He thinks it is normal to fight frequently, to be bossy, or to be pissed off. He does acknowledge he has a bad temper. But I don't think he understands completly how much he lets it get the best of him. He used to fight a lot with his previous girlfriend, and honestly, after fighting so much with me (I am one of the most peaceful people on this planet), I don't think he'll be able to sustain a healthy relationship with anybody else unless he finds out what causes him to be angry so often.

Anyway, I had written this post on a sticky note in my computer before publishing it. Apparently I let it visible and he "accidentally" read it (go figure). So there it goes the whole reason for my post, hahaha. We hadn't talk about it yet, but let see what happens when he gets home tonight. He said he felt pretty bad reading it.

Thank you all for your opinions so far. It's been quite helpful. I'll keep you posted.

[PapoPez22]

So, we had our conversation. It was kind of funny because as I was reading him the 6 signs of verbal abuse, he denied them 1 by 1. Then agreed to "30% of that one" with some conditions. I just sat there and listened to him say that he's hurt, and how could I think something like this about him. He agreed once again that he has a huge temper "but that's it", that he always acknowledges his mistakes (yeah, after making me cry), and that we both engage in hot-headed arguments and on of us needs to back down, which is true. I guess my mistake has been putting myself at his level. While I thought I was defending myself, I was only making it worse. So, from now on I'm just gonna walk away whenever he gets angry - Funny story: two days ago I left the Laundromat after we started arguing about how to do our laundry. He followed me outside only to make me stop, turn around, and then tell me "You know what? Leave!".

He complains about me not communicating my thoughts and feelings. I communicated my thoughts and feelings and he rejected them. So, the only thing I have to say is,... I hope it works in the back of his head. I'll start doing my part and see if there's any improvement. If not, I hope he is not surprised when I decide to leave.

6 Signs You Are Being Verbally Abused

1. You feel you just can’t win. No matter how carefully or kindly you try to work out a problem, your partner says things that make you feel like you’re in the wrong.

2. Your self-esteem and self-confidence are shot. Your partner isn’t your greatest fan but your greatest critic. He often tells you that his comments are “for your own good.”

3. When you say he has hurt your feelings your partner tells you that you are too sensitive. When you point out that he has said something inappropriate or hurtful, he accuses you of trying to make him look bad. You notice that he rarely takes responsibility for his part of a problem. Somehow he manages to convince himself and even you that anything that goes wrong is your fault.

4. You often are the brunt of jokes that make you feel bad. The guy who is fun and fun-loving outside the family unleashes a more vicious or undermining humor inside. Other people don’t believe you that the guy they know is so different from what you experience. You find yourself constantly questioning yourself.

5. (Not applicable to me) You have to walk on eggshells at home. Your home isn’t a sanctuary for you and your kids. It is the place where you are most afraid and embarrassed. You and the kids stay away as much as you can. When you are there with your partner, you all do everything you can to make sure nothing happens that could set him off.

6. (Not applicable to me) If you’re not very careful, the verbal abuse escalates to physical altercations. Even if you are very careful, what starts with words can end up with physical aggression toward you or destroying things, especially things you value.

[healingme4me]

If you are walking away, without expressing the reasoning to begin with, then you ARE walking on eggshells.

#6. Do you know how many years together, before a finger was raised to me? When alcohol is involved, which it was, and years have gone by...things can escalate.

I'd advise finding a counselor to work one on one with.

[herhusband]

People who use intellectual superiority to gain advantage over the other are still abusive. Just because we don't see the scars that are left on the outside, doesn't mean that they are not being built up on the inside as well. Be careful and take care of your self.

[healingme4me]

I felt it necessary to come back to this. When you had this 'conversation' with him, was it at nighttime/bedtime?

I get that people point out flaws in others all the time, I am baffled as to why tell him, he's an 'abuser'?

To me, it takes two to dance the dance of a high conflict, highly charged, abusive and dysfunctional relationship.

Sure he has angry outbursts. To me, this was passive anger on your part. I an earlier post, you mention that you developed this anger to 'match' his?!

It's damaging to another to be called out on something like this.

Sure, he may have his own character flaws, but each person plays a role.

I really hope you consider working on what brings you into this pattern.

It's also not healthy in mind, to believe that another person can 'make' us feel anything.

Also, when we as humans, begin labeling another as an abuser, that means we take on the victim role.

What brought you to read this article? Even if this 'realization' was the catalyst to leave, no matter where you go, there you are.

If this is to be enlightening, then both parties need to change, not just him. And yeah, I'm sure he has anger issues and says things that maybe he regrets and maybe doesn't regret. I'm sure he has his own stuff to work on. To stay, both parties need to seek counseling. If you go, and he chooses to follow, at least you will have sought wellness and betterment for yourself. If he doesn't follow your lead to wellness, then that's his choice.

Take care of yourself!!!

Originally Posted by AlexCL0730

So, we had our conversation. It was kind of funny because as I was reading him the 6 signs of verbal abuse, he denied them 1 by 1. Then agreed to "30% of that one" with some conditions. I just sat there and listened to him say that he's hurt, and how could I think something like this about him. He agreed once again that he has a huge temper "but that's it", that he always acknowledges his mistakes (yeah, after making me cry), and that we both engage in hot-headed arguments and on of us needs to back down, which is true. I guess my mistake has been putting myself at his level. While I thought I was defending myself, I was only making it worse. So, from now on I'm just gonna walk away whenever he gets angry - Funny story: two days ago I left the Laundromat after we started arguing about how to do our laundry. He followed me outside only to make me stop, turn around, and then tell me "You know what? Leave!".

He complains about me not communicating my thoughts and feelings. I communicated my thoughts and feelings and he rejected them. So, the only thing I have to say is,... I hope it works in the back of his head. I'll start doing my part and see if there's any improvement. If not, I hope he is not surprised when I decide to leave.

6 Signs You Are Being Verbally Abused

1. You feel you just can’t win. No matter how carefully or kindly you try to work out a problem, your partner says things that make you feel like you’re in the wrong.

2. Your self-esteem and self-confidence are shot. Your partner isn’t your greatest fan but your greatest critic. He often tells you that his comments are “for your own good.”

3. When you say he has hurt your feelings your partner tells you that you are too sensitive. When you point out that he has said something inappropriate or hurtful, he accuses you of trying to make him look bad. You notice that he rarely takes responsibility for his part of a problem. Somehow he manages to convince himself and even you that anything that goes wrong is your fault.

4. You often are the brunt of jokes that make you feel bad. The guy who is fun and fun-loving outside the family unleashes a more vicious or undermining humor inside. Other people don’t believe you that the guy they know is so different from what you experience. You find yourself constantly questioning yourself.

5. (Not applicable to me) You have to walk on eggshells at home. Your home isn’t a sanctuary for you and your kids. It is the place where you are most afraid and embarrassed. You and the kids stay away as much as you can. When you are there with your partner, you all do everything you can to make sure nothing happens that could set him off.

6. (Not applicable to me) If you’re not very careful, the verbal abuse escalates to physical altercations. Even if you are very careful, what starts with words can end up with physical aggression toward you or destroying things, especially things you value.