Puzzling Behaviour

Hello my friends out there-

My sister in law has a habit of inviting our family to special events only to give the cold shoulder to each and everyone of us when we attend. Time and time again she does this in front of her family but when she is alone with my mom or I shes a normal human being. Its not like she doesnt see her family she sees them regularly but at these family events she doesnt bother to say hello or even send a smile our way. I' ve tested this behaviour time and time again. She behaves like we are not present at the event. I dont understand this behaviour, what message is she trying to convey to the family when she does this? I would never treat any of my invitees like this please pour your wisdom on me. I'm seriously thinking of never attending another event because she makes me feel so uncomfortable.

It's difficult to balance your family and your in-laws. I've been married a long time, some of my husband's family are like actual siblings to me, and others are just like strangers that happen to be my husband's sisters/father.

I wish I had a good answer for you. I try to be a good hostess, but I run out of things to say and find myself gravitating to those people that I am closer to. My husband and I have been together for almost 30 years. And after all of that time this is what we've come up with: we invite/attend these functions for the sake of our children. We go into it knowing that we do not enjoy spending time with certain family members under certain circumstances so as guests we focus on spending time with those people that we do enjoy. My husband doesn't always get along with my brother, so I make sure that I entertain him when he's here. I don't like one of his sisters (he doesn't like her either) but it's his sister to it's his responsibility to entertain her when she comes. And my favorite Aunt (whom I love dearly) is opinionated and preachy so I try to keep her away from hubby's family by keeping her occupied myself. Family politics are so complicated.

For example, I have a SIL that I do not like. We do not mesh, I cannot have a conversation with the woman without being offended and insulted. But I love her children dearly and would not dream of missing an event because of this. So when we go to her home we greet her, spend some times with the kids (who are now in their late teens and 20s) so when the Auntie/Uncle time runs thin we spend time with the other relatives that we do enjoy. And we also put a time limit on how long we are going to stay. Either we arrive after dinner or leave before it's served. Please don't let your SILs behavior keep you from the important milestones of family life.

you know, we could break our heads with thousands of different hypotheses and never get even near the real answer.

so i guess there's just one thing to do: explain your feelings to her, tell her that you don't want to attend other family meetings and ask her why she behaves like this.

I'm sorry but there could really be thousands of options.
I just give one: she feels like everybody is having fun and you are snubbing her

I agree with Bonnie G. Talk to her about it, but be prepared for any response she gives you.

Hello my friends-

I've just come back from florida. While I was there, I was able to read your posts and draw some conclusions based on your responses. I thank all of you for your input even when I wasn't so clear on the situation.

I was able to draw some conclusions from the posts that helped me deal with my SIL when I visited her in Florida.

-Set time boundaries with SIL. Make the visits short. Worked nicely!!!
-Send the kids their gifts if I choose not to attend one of their functions. I don't have to attend a function, sometimes you just have to love people from afar. I don't have to attend if Im anticipating that I'll have a miserable time and that's ok. This is for my sanity!!
-Spend one on one with her since she seems to do ok in that type of environment. Worked well for me and her.
-Have heart to hearts with her when the situation warrants it. In time this will also be beneficial when we build trust back up.

I'll keep revisiting this over and over again but all of you have given me some tools to deal with the situation effectively and I'm sure these boundaries will evolve as time goes by but nonetheless it's a great beginning. Hugs to you all!!!!

Something I've been learning and have been trying my best to do is that in order to really figure out why someone does what they do, you have to talk to THAT PERSON about it. The HARD conversations must be between you and the person you are trying to understand or you will never come to a conclusion about their true intentions or their actions. It's one of the most difficult lessons I've learned but also the most rewarding... No matter whether the answers make your life easier or harder, they are the right answers. It's always much better to KNOW than GUESS.