some of you might know the problems ive been having with my auntie and her grandaughter (my cousins daughter, so that makes her my cousin too). to make it easier i will name them, my auntie is called Sue, her Daughter is called Belinda, and her daughter is Kellie. sue, belinda & kellie live half the UK away from me up north, im down south.

well on my mums 5th anniversary of her death back in may this year, kellie had gone to my mums grave and poured beer and vodka on it and said "have a drink on me lin (my mum), you always liked a good drink". my mum died of alcoholism. well when kellies friend told me what kellie did, i rang up Sue and told her what ive just heard and she replied "oh its probably not true, iw ouldnt believe everything you hear" and i agreed, so i rang kellie direct and asked her, and the response i got? it was this... "hahaha yea i did that, and im proud too" and she was really happy about what she did. so kellie and i ended up arguing and i told her i dont ever wnat to see her again. we hung up. i then rang my auntie to tell her it was tue after hearing doubt from my auntie, her gran. and when i told my auntie this is the reply i got..."oh yea i know, ive known for a while, but ive not been bothered to do anything about it" which made me angrier, how can she not be bothered! its her sisters grave!! why did she lie to me the first time when i spoke to her! so i had a huge row with my auntie and i also told her that i dont ever want to see her, or kellie ever again. and i meant it and still mean it today.

well it seems my auntie has been going round to certain members of my family (ie my uncle rob, his wife jane etc and my nan) and telling them all that me and my sister have been really nasty to her and shes turned them all against us. my uncle had a row with my sister last night about it and it really upset her because my sister jamie and i havent done anything wrong, it was kellie and sue that have. and now the family dont like us! wheres the sense in that!

my sister came here last night all upset and it took me about an hour to calm her down, and i just told her that "sue and kellie know they are in the wrong, but the yare trying to drag us down with them, and by getting upset your letting them, we can stand up to them, and im with you every step of the way so if they try dragging you down, they will have to drag me down too...and im not prepared to be dragged down by anyone!". i just told my sis that im supporting her every step of the way, and just because me and my sister were the only ones prepared to stick up for my mums grave, doesnt mean we should be treated like this! i thought my uncle was on my side to be honest because we've spoken before and he seemed to agree, but now hes gone and argued with my sister. i dont know what to do. i will ring my uncle rob up this afternoon to talk to him about it all, get his side of the arguement and see what sue has been saying to him. i rang up sue last week to try and resolve everything because its upsetting my nan, and all i got was verbal abuse from her and her daughter!

im sorry for such a long post, its quite a complicated story and i hope i told it without confusing anyone. has anyone got any helpful suggestions on what they think i should do next? i dont want to fall out with rob and his wife or my nan, i dont care about sue, belinda or kellie because i never see them anyway because they live so far away. but shes turning my family against me and my sis when we havent done anything wrong. i wish my mum was here to help, she would be so ashamed of sue and co.

[drunksunflower]

I am sorry to hear that Simon. Not sure what to say but i do hope your family comes around to reason soon.
You have not done anything wrong AT ALL ... your cousin should be shamed over what she's done

*hugs*

[katheryn]

(((((((((((((((Simply_Simon)))))))))))))))
it isnt nice when familys fight but you havent done nothing wrong, im glad you are helping your sister, yea i would get your uncles version of events and then tell him why you fell out with your aunt and cousin,
take care

Goodness, Kellie's behaviour was way out of order. So disgraceful.

You are right not to want to have anything to do with such people. On the other hand, you should definitely try to talk to your uncle & nan face to face (so you can gauge their reactions etc) and explain the situation and what these 'people' are doing to your sister and yourself!

[January]

(((((((( Simon ))))))))))))

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your sister. I don't have any good advice, but telling the truth generally helps. I am so sorry for the disrespect shown to your mother and to you and your sister.

Hugs,

Jan

[Zanne]

I am surprised that anyone would do that to a grave of a relative, let alone a grave at all. I am sorry for whwt you are going though. Family tension is never an uplifting experience.

Ive heard of relative doing this. and in my family its not sacrelig and so on to pour beer over a grave. its recongnizing the person for how they want to be remembered.

I had a relative who partied alot. while she was alive she always said when she died she wanted people to remember her partying and happy.

well she went out the way she lived - during a party she went out for more beverages for the party and crashed and died. So now some of the people who knew and partyed with her "share a drink" with her on the aniversery of her death to let her know we still remember her and will always honor her by partying with her dead or alive.

So many times when someone dies suddenly people stretch the truth of what that person was like in life. for example a hated relative suddenly becomes the most upstanding member of the family because "its not right to put the dead down" or "only say good things about the dead."

Well some in my family think that kind of thing is hypocritacal. my relative partied and my relative died partying and so we honor her rememberance not as the the hypocrocy that happens when a person dies but as they truely were in life for us.

She partied so we share a beer with her on her special day. for if there is a heaven and its perfect - well for this relative the perfect life was partying so she's up in heaven having an eturnity of partying with anyone and everyone that wants to join in.

[Meta]

Hi simon,

I am sorry that someone has done this to your mother's grave. It seems like a pretty clear case of disrespect.

I know you are in the UK, but I wonder if you have heard of the Hatfields and McCoys here in the US. Their families had a legendary feud. Maybe today they are sorted out as Republicans and Democrats, lol.
My extended family can easily become like the Hatfields and McCoys on just about any issue you could raise. I plan to only see my siblings in separate visits in the future. I plan to leave whereever we are if anyone becomes insulting, loud or unreasonably angry. It seems several individuals in my family are ready to fill my dead, drunk father's place now that he is gone. Holidays were a nightmare when I was a child. Some of my siblings want to extend and or reenact the nightmare. I am adult now and can pick and choose my "family."
I am sorry too about the death of your mum from alcoholism. It is heartbreaking that you had to endure that pain.
-Meta

hi, well i though i would do an update...

i recieved a letter from my cousin yesteray apologising for what she did, and so today i rang up my auntie and cleared the air with her. then i rang my cousin and sorted everything out with them. i told them there are no hard feelings anymore and i will leave it where it is...in the past.

im glad its sorted now. its one worry off my mind to say the least.

now i need to focus on other issues of mine and sort them out too, isnt going to be easy i know.

thank you for your support everyone. is appreciated.

simon

[Meta]

I am glad you got it sorted out. Maybe I need you as a mediator in my family because one of my brothers and one of my sisters won't speak to the rest of the family. I guess I think that is their right, but it's a shame. My problem in the past was that I kept reaching out like Charlie Brown goes after Lucy's football everytime. I was really stuck on an ideal of one big happy family. Well, we didn't come from one big happy family and I just was enhancing codependent tendencies when I kept trying to reach out to these family members. At best, they would snub me in public at times; at worst my older sister attacked my younger sister physically while the former was holding her child in her arms. The other day my older sister called and left a message on my machine that she would not be allowing her daughter to babysit for my daughter. My older sister stated this was because of political beliefs I hold. I don't discuss my political beliefs with my sister. But she attacks me verbally every time she sees me because of who I voted for in the last election which I made the mistake of telling her. Actually, I suppose that counts as her speaking to me, but I guess I meant she doesn't speak to me as a person, kind and polite and civil. I spent a part of yesterday trying to find out how I can block her phone number from my home. She has left far too many ugly messages on my answering machine that my young daughter has heard. It is time to end this practice. I didn't figure it out, but when I do, I will have to block her number. I will miss my niece and nephew but enough is enough. I would not be surprised if having to cut off ties is common when one has been raised in an alcoholic family as we were. I think my sister and brother have a lot of unresolved issues from how we were raised. I know I do but I have sought help and also shared with them about the help I have sought. They--as far as I know--do not think they are in need of help. Again that is their choice but I also have a choice to walk away from them, instead of accepting further mistreatment. This means I will not be seeing these siblings I suppose for the rest of my life, unless we accidentally run into one another. When that occurred to me, I was greatly relieved. I didn't realize how much trying to have a positive relationship with them, in spite of our differences, was taking out of me. I suppose they may mellow or something could change, but for now I have to make peace with the situation. Life is, as they say, too short.

Glad it worked out for you.

Meta