VENT (Feel free to comment or leave an opinion)

Im so sick and tired of being my husbands caregiver. The definition of caregiver should be the emotional punchingbag, the forgotten, the whipping boy, whatever. He is selfish. He is like a big babg. He does not care about how he makes anyone around him feel. He starts arguments with everyone them blames the other person for his unhappiness. His doctors give him medicine that will help his Crohn's yet he will not take them. He thinks that because he is in pain and he is sick that hes THE only person in the world with problems. He doesnt care how he makes others feel. We are supposed to walk on eggshells and watch what we say to him, but he can say whatever he wants and if anyone tries to defend themselves, THEY are starting arguments with him. He had a really good day yesterday and in the car we were having a conversation about his brothers gf flirting with him (note: this dont make me mad. I find it rather funny considering who she is and that was the nature of the conversation) he was laughing about it too. Then he cuts me off mid sentence amd accuses me of flirting with every man around (keep in mind Im an introvert in the most extreme way especially when it comes to men andhe knows this). He has said that a million times over the past 12 years we've been together. And everytime he does, he knows I will get defensive and that it will start an argument but he says it anyway. Well he said it. I tried to ignore it but then he said , "And it pissese the F off". So of course it starts an argument. Way up until 2am. I finally just shut up and went to sleep. I wake up this morning an try to talk about random funny things and he says "I was having the best day that Ive had in years and you just ruin it. You cant stand to see me.happy. " Then he walks out, slams the door and goes next door to watch sports with his grandfather.
I am so tired of spreading myself thin, talking to doctors on his behalf, spending hours every night making his special menus, cooking his special foods, literally fighting with him to take his meds, all while ignoring the fact that I am beginning to start dissociating, forgetting to feed myself, or brush my damn hair and teeth. Im living on coffee, cigarettes and 4 hours or less of sleep a night. I need my meds, but I am too damn busy with his medical needs that I cant go do my drug test to get my meds. I feel like Im losing my mind. Im spread so thin, I dont even have time for a long relaxing bath. Of Im not taking care of him, Im taking care of our son. When Im not taking care of them, Im cleaning or cooking. My nerves are shot. I dont have time for "me time". Not even at night cuz even that time goes to figuring out his dietary needs. Im so sick of it all that I just want to run away somewhere. Just leave his selfish *** to take care of himself. I do a lot around here. Not to sound arrogant, but this place would just fall apart if I wasnt here to run it. But I dont care! I need to take care of me and MY mental illness. I dont have the support that I give him. I have me and thats it! And Im not doing so great! Im hypoglycemic from not eating enough. My weight is like a yoyo. It goes up then down. By no less than 20 pounds at a time. I feel like Im just gonna fall out in the floor. My hands shake so bad Im hardly typing right on this touchscreen. Im just burned out. On life on him. Mabye I am going insane. Or having a nervous breakdown. Its really hard to tell. I just dont know anymore!!

All of it with sleepless nights, being hypoglycemic, yoyo weight, and feeling that you are going insane will soon come to haunt you. You need to start taking care of yourself - and you know it, right?

"He thinks that because he is in pain and he is sick that hes THE only person in the world with problems."

Just to say something:

My ex second H had high blood pressure. He blamed me for his high blood pressure. And, for everything else that could ever go wrong in his life. So yes, I get it.

Yes, I don't quite understand why you are putting up with someone who talks to you and treats you in that fashion.

You cannot make your husband comply with his doctors. If he does not, he will probably die sooner rather than later. One of my good friends just had an ostomy for his Crohn's, I get it very well.

Hamster, I know this time, is gonna be the time that breaks me. Im too young for this and Im too old to put up with it. He plays the guilt card too often cuz he knows Ill fall for it. Just like last night, he knew that whole flirting comment was going to start an argument, hes said that same thing a million times with the same result. Then he has the nerve to tell me "You need to think before you speak. Words affect me" Oh well, he kind of brought it on himself by his stupid little comment. I dont mean to sound uncaring, Im just mad and fed up

Perna, I honestly do not know. I guess cause if I left, no one else will help him. His family is kind of a-holes but also, theyre tired of his attitude as well. It seems to fall on me to take care of him. And I love him. But Im getting very close to really hurting his feelings cause when I get this fed up with someone, I dont hold back anything.

(((thunderbear))),

The only one that can remove you from this situation is "you". But you need to finally realize that you really "are" worth it.

Your son is going to learn that this is "acceptable" behavior too. If someone is "constantly demanding this way" they get all the attention and service and the woman is supposed to just keep "giving and waiting on this person".

Yes, you have a large "child" in the house and you are only "the mother" in this picture.
You deserve to have an adult in your relationship too. Where on earth did you learn to
"stay and accept this kind of abuse"?

OE

I don't see him as being helped. It is not helpful to give a child candy and junk food just because he wants it. He does not have to be in pain or be a pain; he can cooperate with others and feel much better but he does not want to. That requires personal responsibility on his part and hard work and he'd rather just sit and complain.

Don't be guilted into allowing such abusive behaviour

I agree with everything the previous posters wrote.

I know you have no me-time as things stand now, but really hope that you learn to use all that energy you're investing in an ungrateful man on yourself.

IMO, you are much more deserving of it between the 2 of you.

Wow! You deserve sooooo much better! Get the hell out of there and take your son with you. Let that a-hole do for himself for awhile and then maybe he will see exactly what all you deal with. You've got to take care of yourself and your son first. That's what's most important. You are not that man's slave!!!

Just wanted to add here, you say that you "love" him? What comes to mind "Love is blind". You are not here to sacrifice yourself and your life for people who clearly don't appreciate it.

While I see what you guys are saying, no one knows the full story. So here it is:
He wasnt like this the whole 12 years. In 05, he almost died. The doctors didnt know how to help him, for about 3 months, he continued to get sicker. He ended up septic and thats when one doc had the bright idea that H needed a colonoscopy. They did it and immedietly seen Crohns disease. They put him on 2 different steriods and 6mp. In the meantime at home, he was 108 lbs and so weak, I had to dress him and help him shower. He eventually got better and went back to work. He was doing fine. He was back to being his old self. Went back to work. Then last year, his brothers gf lied on us. She almost got us kicked out of our home. Still, to this day, is family cusses him over whatever lie she told (we still do not know what she said. No one will tell us.) She caused him to lose his job. This is when he started being like he is now. Anyway, all the stress caused his CD to flare. He lost some weight so the gf told my inlaws he was "probably on meth". He tried to kill himself. He got septic again. Spent the better part of April of 2012 in the hospital getting blood transfusions and sterod treatments. I finally got him back to gainin weight, on his meds, out of suicide danger. He got better. Still couldnt find a job. Then last month, he flared again. He lost 5 lbs. Got depressed last Monday, he tried to shoot himself. I got the gun away from him and had it locked up.

Someone asked where I "learned" to stay in an "abusive" situation. I am not in am abusive situation. He is sick. Back before he got sick, my dissociation got really bad due to my moms death, I was in pain amd I would physically attack him. Ive broken his nose 2 times. Ive punched gim in the throat, Ive broken things of his. In all that time, all the things I did to him, not once did he get angry. Not once did he hit back. He took care of me. He took care of my boys. Made supper cooked cleaned and worked amd made me take my meds altho I didnt want to. I would spit the pills back in his face. And still, he was patient. When we first met, I was a drug addict. He got me clean. The firt week of withdrawl, I would say the most awful things to him, about his family. Scream and cuss him. And he never got angry. Never held it against me. So, its not learned behaviour. Its called being a wife. I get frutrated amd sometimes I think I might hate him for being sick. But when I said through sickness and health, I meant it. And no, I cant leave. This, as it stands now, is a life and death thing. He needs me right now. Just like I needed him all those years ago.

I never said leave your husband. I said stop accepting his behaviour and invest time in yourself, because your situation has become toxic.

Sounds like you feel more obligated and guilted into taking care of him (due to your history) than anything else, but just because you choose to fulfill your obligation, doesn't mean you have to accept being ill-treated at the same time.

Your husband chose to accept a broken nose and who knows what else from you, maybe because he knew you were not thinking clearly at the time, or maybe he didn't mind you being vindictive and outright hostile.

Idk what his justification was... But.

You have to set your own boundaries, and not base them on what he put up with, last time I checked, marriage wasn't about keeping score. We are all different, with individual personalities, temperaments and limits. We have to set clear boundaries with these factors in mind.

Also, I'd ask my husband when and why he decided it was ok for me to be his emotional punching bag, when was the moment my feelings ceased to matter.
As I'm sure you know by now, communication is key in every relationship, and it may just be that he is angry at life and lashing out at you. Maybe it needs to be pointed out to him in a non-confrontational manner.

On the other hand; If he knows he's hurting you and simply doesn't care, then I honestly don't know how or why you do put up with this behaviour...
Because no amount of guilt or obligation is going to drain my self-respect.

Look, Idk the ins and outs of your husbands current condition, but honestly, if I were you, I'd cut out doing the things he can and should be doing for himself. Like taking his meds. If he's lucid and able, then there's no reason why he has to be forced/reminded.

Why? Because you said it yourself, you're spreading yourself way too thin, and there's really no point in putting on the dutiful wife hat if at the end of the the day all you feel is resentment while performing your wifely duty and an aweful sense of relief when its his time to go.

Like I said, use some of that energy on yourself

Is there a system that allows carers to get respite care? In the UK you can get a few hours a week, or a holiday (week off) now and then, and it's on a sliding scale. Just wondering if there was any way you can have a break because being a full-time carer is very hard, and that's without all the emotional stuff you are going through at the hands of your other half. It just even a few hours a week to do stuff for you can help a lot with mojo. I used to work in this field may years ago, and saw the desperation of those who needed it, and it is a proper need. Caring is one of the toughest jobs out there.

If you can't get respite, then I would make sure you get at least an hour a day to yourself. Go for that bath. If you're not eating, go get a sandwich and a coffee in a nice coffee shop. Go phone a friend for a natter - anything that means its 'you' time. I don't think you have an alternative, as you say, you're starting to feel dreadful. You will not be able to care if you do not look after yourself too.
You say that the house would fall apart without you - well, from my experience this rarely happens. Necessity takes over, and things get done. Sometimes people help out so much that the person being helped stops doing anything for themselves, and around we go. I do agree with trippin, let him do some things for himself. On the issue of shooting himself, I would think very hard about letting authorities know, it may be that he gets some help - this stuff is too much for just you to take on - too much for just one person whoever they are.

On the issue of your other half.. yes, he's been great with you when you were messed up in the past. But does that give him reason to be cruel now? I don't think two wrongs make a right, if you know what I mean. If it's dragging you down, it's ok to be fed up about it, no matter the history. Do you talk to him about it, or is it got to the stage that it's always going to turn into a fight?

Hugs.