[bear99]

Hi all, new to the forum. I'm having an issue that’s causing me extreme anxiety and depression. I found that sometimes actually writing it out helps, so any advice/comments/what-have-you are welcomed. The only person I've talked with about this issue is my father.

This issue is over 6 years old and has to do with a girl I used to date in college - her name is Becca. Becca was great, albeit it was college and our perspective of what a relationship should "be" was slightly immature but I loved her, and her me. We were together for almost two years before I started feeling antsy and I broke up with her, mostly because I was going to study abroad for a year and she had already graduated - we were in a long-distance relationship for the better part of a year before I ended things. I wanted to meet other people and not feel as tied down. She was crushed, but got over it and after a period of time we actually ended up talking via phone every other month or so. Our relationship was never "broken," and so it was easy to stay in touch, but thats where we left it. We attempted try and rekindle things once or twice but our living/working situations were never ideal, especially when she moved to Asia to teach English on a three year contract. I figured we would stay friends, and we did...to a point. Read on.

At this point I was just about to graduate and ended up seeing another girl - her name is Jane - and we stayed together after graduation. We ended up moving to the city together, both got jobs and thats where we've been ever since (currently, we've been dating just north of 3 years). We do not live together yet. My time with Jane has had a lot of ups and downs, theres been instances where we've both almost ended things but always managed to work things out as best we could. When the relationship is good, its great. When its not-so-good, its terrible. She drives me crazy sometimes but has been a great support system and I can always rely on her. We're both into the same things - mostly action sports (skiing, rock climbing, hiking, mountain biking) which is great because not a lot of my other friends do that stuff. I get along fantastically with her family, and she with mine. We have the same "friend" group. On the surface we're the perfect couple. Lately we've been getting the "so when are you too gonna tie the knot" spiel.

This is all well and good, except...I'm bored. I rarely "look forward" to seeing Jane. Our relationship isn't stale, in fact she is very happy with "us" at the moment. I'm very good at putting up a front if it means avoiding a confrontation. She keeps dropping hints at marriage and moving in together and I'm...well...indifferent to all of that. It doesn't make me excited. I feel I should want to move in and get married to the girl I love (and I do love her). Marriage to Jane would be the smart move, the one that would be expected of me and us. I just don't feel the need or desire to. I have also cheated on Jane, once. I'm not proud of this and will not go into details other than the fact it was a instance where I was fully knowledgable about my actions (i.e. I wasn't drunk/stoned/etc). It was during one of our low periods and I was in a mental state where I didn't really care about what I did. Jane does not know about this cheating instance.

Now for the complicated part. Becca (Remember? the first girl? Coming full circle here...) and I have kept in touch over the years, Skyping occasionally every few months. Normally its just a chat to say hi and see how each other is doing. Except this past Thursday, we had a chat that turned into a full-blown 3 hour emotional rollercoaster. It all started with an "I miss you" which sparked a confession from both of us how much we missed one another. And this is true - like I said before our relationship was never bad while we were dating. She's always been a "question mark" in the back of my mind all these years. I know I still love her and I've never been able to let her go. In fact, I know that I've kept part of my emotions removed from my relationship with Jane because of Becca. Becca has always had a piece of my heart.

And now...Becca is planning on moving back from Asia within the next 6 months. I stupidly agreed that I would end things with Jane so we could try again. And now...I'm not so sure. I'm worried this is just a massive, 6 year stretch of the "grass is always greener" syndrome with Becca. I'm going crazy and have been fighting periods of deep depression over the last few days. I spoke with my father about the situation and while he has not directly stated it, I know he wants me to stay with Jane. He brought up the fact that I would be breaking up with not only her, but her family and the 3 years we've grown together.

What do I want? I don't really know. I'm caught in between these two girls and I'm losing massive amounts of sleep over it. I want the cake and to eat it too. I need to make a decision. Either way I go, someone is getting hurt.

Thanks for listening, if you've read all of this. While advice would be appreciated, those of you who have been in similar situations and would be willing to share your situations...please feel free.

I know posting anonymously in a forum such as this sometimes invites more aggressive responses. Don't hold back - I can take it. In fact, I promise I will respond to anything you have to say. Thank you for reading.

[hamster-bamster]

Being bored is a big red flag to me. I would not marry Jane because you feel bored. I married my first ex H despite having already felt bored and it led to nowhere. Boredom is a no-no. Especially in your case if you feel bored with her despite doing pretty non-boring and almost extreme sports with her and still bored? Don't make that move.

Plus, it is your life, so the expectations of others, including your father, should take a back seat.

[hamster-bamster]

Another thing is not making big decisions when feeling extreme anxiety.

[hannabee]

Could it be that you are an adrenaline junkie and therefore always looking for something more exciting? Not fair to either girl, IMHO. I don't know how old you are but sounds to me like you need to grow up a bit before marrying anyone. Maybe you should cut them both loose, figure out what will truly make you happy and learn from this experience. Good luck to you.

[bear99]

Hamster, thanks for the response.

I'm curious - and if you don't mind me asking - about the details of your first ex-husband? What was being "bored" like for you?

For me, as an example, when I go over to her apartment (which is often, 3-4 nights a week) I don't really have excitement going to see her. I don't really look forward to meeting up, even if we haven't seen each other in a couple of days. It's more like doing laundry or showering. Its just something you do. Is this normal? Methinks not...

[~Christina]

I agree with Hannabee ... Be single for a while Let both the ladies go for now, Let the dust settle. Take your time.

[bear99]

@hamster-bamster Can I ask the specifics of why you were "bored" with your first husband? Just curious.

@hannabee and Christina

Thanks for the responses. You're right, I am absolutely NOT ready to be married right now. I know this. Heck, Jane is ready to be married YESTERDAY if she had her druthers. The gap that spans our expectations is big. I've made it clear that I am not ready to marry and she's OK with this but she still drops hints regardless.

I do not think I'm necessarily looking for something more exciting - breaking it down I'm essentially torn between two girls and got myself into a situation I shouldn't have.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bear99

Hamster, thanks for the response.

I'm curious - and if you don't mind me asking - about the details of your first ex-husband? What was being "bored" like for you?

For me, as an example, when I go over to her apartment (which is often, 3-4 nights a week) I don't really have excitement going to see her. I don't really look forward to meeting up, even if we haven't seen each other in a couple of days. It's more like doing laundry or showering. Its just something you do. Is this normal? Methinks not...

I think I was bored because he was, well, boring. So my case is probably different from yours, in that the boredom in your case might be sitting in you (as per Christina/Hannabee's insight - maybe you need adrenaline).

So, in his case, he was:

- movie actor handsome
- self-absorbed to the point of being funny (like a child)
- infantile (an only child of a mom who thought that he was basically a gift from God to the entire humanity and that she should be respected, honored, and extolled for producing such a gift)
- did not have a particularly interesting inner world

So I think the fact that I was bored was a reflection of his character rather than some adrenaline junkiness on my part.

I can tell you that he and I had very frequent sex while dating - basically non-stop when not eating or using public transit (well, with some making out discreetly while in public transit) - and I barely remember it because it was sort of mechanical and repetitive. The boyfriend whom I left for that guy (and regret it now, which is sad because he committed suicide in 1998 and I cannot say "I am sorry" to him)... I was sexual with him for only a couple of months, following a couple of years of friendship, and when I was sexual with him, it was about once a week only because I concealed the sexual part of our r/s from my mother (I was about 20 and lived with my mother who did not like him so I was being secretive).

so basically I remember those few sexual encounters very well and it almost moves me to tears to remember them; I was more or less just letting him love me and not particularly enjoying it, but there was a depth of emotion and poignancy to the way he made love to me that got seared into my memory. And he was OH so not boring as a person.

Again, I think Hannabee and Christina are sensing that boredom resides in YOU rather than stems from Jane's qualities, so maybe indeed take a break. Also, to the best of my knowledge, participation in extreme sports bespeaks certain needs that have to be met, and that are fairly special to you. Say, I would not do any extreme sports, but one of my best girlfriends who lives in Finland is all about them, some in winter and others in summer. When she was 20+, she... broke her spine when she fell from some kind of a contraption for flying (a glider? no idea)... was hospitalized for months... when recovered, resumed extreme sports.

So if you have it in you, you have it in you.

By the way, the girlfriend who is into extreme sports...

- married young and already pregnant, had a daughter, and eventually left her husband when she became exasperated by her husband who did absolutely nothing with regards to childcare and gave all his affection to his... beloved doggie

- was on her own for awhile, building up her career and raising her daughter with her parents' help

- had a series of lovers
- eventually the ex H wanted to do things with her, and then she noticed a good quality in him that she did not expect to see: he was cool that there was at that time another lover in her life and the other lover she had at that time in her life was boiling over with anger with respect to not being her only lover

- so she appreciated the ex H for respecting her and her choices and being willing to wait patiently until she figures things out

- she then remarried the ex H and they raised the daughter together (she is an adult now living separately)

- she and the H (actually, H--> ex H-->H again) are doing extreme sports together.

So you never know what life has in store for you.