[nebuladreams]

Hi all,

I've been the butt of my boyfriends seemingly random anger, and it hurts whenever it happens. I've listed out a few of the situations that illustrate this, and I was wondering whether you'd be able to help me dissect what the heck is going on:

1 - The Case of The Hard Jammy Toast:
He's usually rushing around to leave for work in the morning (he thinks it's dumb to get up earlier, and usually loses track of time in toilet despite having his phone with him to check the time), so after the first few requests to help, I've made it a habit to get up with him and prepare his toast with jam while he gets ready. He'd usually grab it and eat it on the way to work, but there were a few mornings when he would bite into the toast while scrambling for his car keys and complain with apparent anger and annoyance, that I'd left the dense homemade bread in the toaster for too long (hence leaving him to deal with hard crunchy crust), or that I'd spread the jam "all over the place", got his fingers all sticky, and, now he's gonna have to "deal with **** dropping all over" him while he drives. No thank yous, just anger, and huffing out of the door. There were a few times when I'd get teary in my half-asleep state, utterly confused by the anger. I tried to help, didn't I?

2 - The Case of the Despicable Potato Chips
I was in the grocery and sent him a text message to ask whether he wanted anything. The response was "Uhh Chips!...I don't know? Jam?". I brought back chips from the Asian grocery and he was genuinely FURIOUS. Saying, why didn't I just get the regular chips he usually purchased. Why did I have to force this on him. Why didn't I tell him I was in the Asian grocery etc etc. I'd figured that, he was only being cheap and un-adventurous whenever he purchased near-expired potato chips that were on sale. So I thought I'd change it up a little and introduce him to new things, as I usually do. I mean, I've bought him Asian chips before, so this shouldn't be any different. Apparently the issue was that I'd ask for his input, disregarded it, and then made a decision without thinking "properly". He thought I'd know him well enough to purchase the same flavor chips he usually buys. He hated the Asian potato chips I bought, but slowly ate them with apparent disgust and contempt while watching TV. He gave me the cold shoulder (I kid you not) and sulked for the rest of the night. I thought it was amusing at first, but watching him stew in anger over potato chips made me really sad...


3 The Case of the Soupy Curry
He wanted to have a vegetarian dinner, but couldn't find a recipe online that would accommodate what we had in the kitchen. He suggested throwing things together to make a vegetarian curry and I agreed. He left the ingredients up to me and tried to help out with chopping and what not. Towards the end of cooking, he went up to the pot and looked disappointingly at the consistency of the curry. It was too liquid. He wasn't happy. Why was it liquid, he asked, and why had I not included the cornstarch in the mix. I explained that I'd forgotten to add it in, my memory's not perfect, and to add it in now would be to have a gluggy disaster that has proven highly unpopular with him in the past. He got mad, why didn't I remember, why bother leaving the cornstarch out there if I wasn't going to use it.
So, in attempts to alleviate the anger and remedy the situation of the soupy curry, I tossed in a few handful of breadcrumbs. Unfortunately,
this visibly insulted him, and he proceeded to glare and space out at the pot. Silence. I managed to finally coax him to tell me what was wrong, and he accused me of being careless. He didn't want bread crumbs in the curry because (in his mind) this was going to make the curry sludgy. He hated sludgy curry. He'd rather a soupy one. Why didn't I ask him first. Why didn't I add the cornstarch to begin with. Why did I ruin his dinner by adding breadcrumbs - something that has yeast in it. He has fungal problems on a few of his toenails. He doesn't take yeast at night. He avoids it. Why was I so inconsiderate and thoughtless. Silence. More glare at the pot in plan disgust.
The odd thing is, I'd made several dinners with breadcrumbs - without his help - and he's had several orders of garlic bread and pizza delivered for dinner - so really, I don't know why he was going off at me like that....

The Case for Random Anger
A few similarly petty inconveniences have occurred, but even as I braced myself for anger, he didn't seem to have as bad as a reaction and in fact ignored what had happened?

Taking Offense
His memory is much worse than mine. I've brushed off all of the small screw-up he's made, even during incredibly annoying and painful instances where he's accidentally made body contact and bruised me while sparring with me (something i reluctantly do with him). But it just seems to me like he readily and eagerly displays how much I've offended his chaotic "zen" whenever I've unknowingly inconvenienced him with my good intentions.

What makes this all the more upsetting is that he manages to turn the tables on me, saying sarcastically "Oh, so now I'm in the wrong for expressing how upset I am for what you've done. I'm the problem, I know, you don't like how I react. I get it." whenever I get upset at the extent of his anger over this small thing.

He rarely acknowledges the effort I put into anything that benefits him. I'm always giving, and, when the opportunity comes for him to acknowledge me, or to reciprocate, he casually disregards all the things I've done for him, and asks me to keep giving. On the rare occasion he does do something, I'm expected to immediately return the favor in other ways to make up for his troubles.

He's come a long with with this giving thing. At least these days, he steps up more and volunteers to pay for things instead of letting me shell out my money. He tells me that he doesnt really keep tabs on how much other people are paying for him, that it's something that doesn't matter to him (which isn't true. I'll explain in a different thread).

I've been trying to be patient with him. So far it's working, albeit slowly and painfully. But at least he's improving. He's generally a nice guy, but he's completely different on the road, and apparently when he's forced to deal with things that don't suite his expectations...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by nebuladreams

But it just seems to me like he readily and eagerly displays how much I've offended his chaotic "zen" whenever I've unknowingly inconvenienced him with my good intentions.

I've been trying to be patient with him.

I cannot understand how such a smart girl who writes such lovely stories can be so ... slow... and backwards.

What do you mean by saying that YOU have been trying to be patient with HIM?..

You honestly do not see that it is the other way around?

HE has been trying to be patient with YOU. With you, with your hardened toasts, incorrectly spread jam, sludgy curry, and all. It takes a lot of patience. What you seem to be complaining about are some small anger outbursts that irritate you because you do not see them for what they are. They are INFREQUENT and IRREGULAR lapses in his otherwise consistent and unfailing effort to be patient with you and forgive you for the hardened toast and sludgy curry. And most of the time, he gets it right, except that in your usual early morning state of being half-awake you do not see how he is constantly being forgiving and are not being able to appreciate that he is, by and large, being extremely compassionate and tolerant of you - with the hardened toast and sludgy curry.

You also seem to be under the impression that UNKNOWINGLY inconveniencing him is somehow pardonable. You have been with him long enough and should by now have developed the skill of reading his mind and intuiting his innermost desires and the plans that he might even be himself yet unaware of - yet you should be aware. UNKNOWING is no excuse.

I would just simply stop doing so much for him. He will hopefully then see what it is you do for him in the background because he will miss it. For example, next time he complains about hard toast, if I were in your shoes, I would calmly take it out of his hand and put it in the dustbin. If your toast isn't good enough, let him make his own.

He sounds very self-centered, even if he doesn't mean to be (I do not know him to know if it's not something he is aware of). I understand that your kindness and patience has helped him get better in some things, but being a little tougher (without confrontation, blame or whatever) can also help. It can also be a quicker way to get things to the front and hopefully improve, rather than this long, drawn out way that is clearly getting on your goat.

By the way, I agree with Hamster, you write well.

Hugs.

[nebuladreams]

Hi girls, thank you for the input and the kind compliments

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

...You have been with him long enough and should by now have developed the skill of reading his mind and intuiting his innermost desires and the plans that he might even be himself yet unaware of - yet you should be aware. UNKNOWING is no excuse.

I know... he has to put up with all my slack, and, I certainly had the gall to post my issue on this forum.

If I want to be a girlfriend worthy of him, I'll have to get someone to open my third-eye, or maybe somehow source that red pill from the Matrix to rid myself of this unknowing nonsense...
because truthfully,
there is no crunchy toast.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

I would just simply stop doing so much for him...if I were in your shoes, I would calmly take it out of his hand and put it in the dustbin. If your toast isn't good enough, let him make his own.

He sounds very self-centered, even if he doesn't mean to be (I do not know him to know if it's not something he is aware of). I understand that your kindness and patience has helped him get better in some things, but being a little tougher (without confrontation, blame or whatever) can also help.

The toast-in-the-bin is something that has backfired on me because he hates wasting food -_-' more anger, yay.

Well, today he got mad because I didn't think to remind him of the time. We had an apartment inspection at 3pm, and it was my fault for allowing him to relax and dally on. He thought he had an additional 30 minutes to clean up his mess. A few things: I sent him an sms during the week about the inspection times. I reminded him of the times last night. I wasn't exactly paying attention to the time either. He's made it clear in the past that he doesnt like it when he's not allowed to go about things at his own pace i.e.don't rush me, I'll do what I want, I know what I'm doing (the very reason I didn't say anything when he procrastinated with clean up...I did my bit last night).

He's a sweetheart, but can unfortunately be self-centered

Discussions can be a bit tricky with him,
especially since he'll immediately withdraw at any sense of negativity, and focus on any perceived blame/accusation, instead of trying to remedy the situation.
I'll keep trying the none-confrontational toughness... hopefully he realizes Im not trying to make him feel bad...

hugs back!

Originally Posted by nebuladreams

The toast-in-the-bin is something that has backfired on me because he hates wasting food -_-' more anger, yay.

Then you need to look at your own behaviour, sorry! If the toast is wrong, and wasting food is wrong, then simply stop making it. If you can't 'win' for trying and being kind, at least the anger or stroppy behaviour when you do not try is less effort on your behalf and it may stop some of your resentment. Same with the text over the home, I hope you pointed out that you reminded him and in the past he told you to but out. He needs to understand he's acting like a spoilt person.

Sounds like you are in a no-win situation here, with you giving everything and it still not being enough. Not being able to discuss stuff is so very unhelpful because the ability to communicate is one of the most important ingredients to a happy and healthy relationship. You walking on eggshells isn't good.. and him behaving like a child when he hears something he doesn't want to hear is even worse.

Please tell me his good points, because I can't see any yet from what you write. There has to be some reason you stay with him?

More hugs!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by nebuladreams

Well, today he got mad because I didn't think to remind him of the time. We had an apartment inspection at 3pm, and it was my fault for allowing him to relax and dally on. He thought he had an additional 30 minutes to clean up his mess. A few things: I sent him an sms during the week about the inspection times. I reminded him of the times last night. I wasn't exactly paying attention to the time either.

I am well familiar with this problem. I have a problem with not paying attention to the time myself, and it was SEVERE and is now WAY BETTER. Also, my ex 2nd H was a bit similar to our bf in that he opposed reminders of time coming from me and at the same time faulted me for making him take longer etc. I do not even want to remember that mess...

At any rate...

there is a solution.

there is one solution.

one and the ONLY solution that does not provoke all that mess of feelings, and it is

TECHNOLOGY.

So if you need to keep track of time, you need to engage technology - calendar events with reminders or something along these lines.

When tools of technology send a reminder, a human does not react with that whole mess of feelings because the tools of technology are inanimate.

It really works!

So if there is a deadline, a calendar event needs to be scheduled with an appropriate email reminder, and... the event forgotten by everybody until the reminder arrives in the inbox. And no feelings involved.

[nebuladreams]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

“Then you need to look at your own behaviour...if the toast is wrong, and wasting food is wrong, then simply stop making it.”

I played with the toaster settings in reference to his complaints, but I’ve gone from overdone to still sort of crappily overdone, to underdone etc etc. I hit his toaster-sweet spot a few times, though it seems that the variable could be the toaster (which may need replacing) or the bread (stored in the freezer and home-made by his mom; recipe changes sometimes and may call for a different toaster setting) because he still had something bad to say despite leaving the settings the way they were. Now I only step in when he specifically asks for help :-\

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

“I hope you pointed out that you reminded him and in the past he told you to but out.”

He said that he doesn’t care. To him, it’s “common sense” that had to come into play - I “should have” been mindful enough to alert him since we were running on time.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

“the ability to communicate is one of the most important ingredients to a happy and healthy relationship. You walking on eggshells isn't good.. and him behaving like a child when he hears something he doesn't want to hear is even worse.”

I’m hoping that with enough patience it will get better. I hate feeling like I can’t openly talk to him about things anymore. He’ll snap at me for refusing to accept the way he shuts down to get away from the discussion - something that I would have been willing to tolerate, had he been willing to talk another time, but usually, to him, the things I want to talk about are either dumb or not important enough to bring up for discussion (more on this in another thread).

Foundations of the Past

He wasn’t always like this. At the onset of the relationship, he sat me down a few times and asked for feedback – he wanted to know which areas of his personality // the relationship I felt could use improving. I could be more romantic if that makes you happier? He was so sweet, so willing to improve and work on things. I didn’t want him to change. When I reminded him of that phase in our relationship, he told me that I was closed off then, which was why he felt the need to do a little prodding and investigating – this also involved going through my email/facebook whenever I wasn’t around… the tables turned a year later, but this post might become too long so I won’t get into that.

Eventually he entered the work-force to fill in for a friend on maternity leave, and it was around about that time that I became better acquainted with his other characteristics.

A lot of drama ensued – he was constantly tired, and never wanted to do anything. As usual, I was paying rent, purchasing most of the groceries, and cleaning up after him. He was trying to adjust to work life, was constantly tired, constantly wanted to hang around and do nothing, meaning he didn’t want to have to contribute to any chores at home.

Bedroom activity was at an all-time low, and I felt a distance growing between us. Admittedly I could have handled the situation better, but besides feeling like a maid (despite requests to be a bit tidier around the house), I was also tackling difficult things, going through a few changes in my life, and was under a lot of stress.
He didn’t - and apparently couldn’t – comprehend my situation, and to him, I was getting stressed out over nothing.


I guess having an earful on what could be improved is what initiated the barriers. He's the type of person that wants to do things at the beat of his own drum. Seems the more I expressed how the situation was affecting me, the more he resented me for not being understanding enough? I tried so hard, but I had my own problems, and my own limits. I panicked at the way we seemed to have drifted apart. All I wanted was to feel a bit of support from him, but instead of remedying the distance I spoke of, his solution was to push me further away.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

TECHNOLOGY.

He usually uses reminders for work. I'll see if I can encourage more use of them at home. I'll do the same :-\

Interestingly enough, his use of technology was/is one of the issues in our relationship. Back when he was adjusting to his new job, he lost track of time playing games on his new phone, and spent a lot of time on Facebook.


He even forgot to greet me on my birthday (I was away) despite greeting his ex on facebook days later. He had FB notifications to thank for that despite the fact that I posted a picture of myself on my birthday, and had a mass of greetings that would have popped up on his news feed. Then he added insult to injury by taking me to her delayed birthday party on the day we’d agreed to celebrate mine because he figured that the opportunity to catch up with mutual friends (he hadn’t seen since their breakup) didn’t come very often. The incident did hurt a little, but he had a fun-filled itinerary planned for the following day which was lovely...




Truth be told, I’d rather have my game-addicted boyfriend back instead of the one obsessively networking with girls on OkCupid… this is one of the “non-issue”s he has refused to resolve with me because there’s “nothing to be discussed”.
But I digress...that’s for another thread.


riotgrrrl, you asked for his good qualities, which happen to intertwine with what keeps me around:

It’s not consistent, but he’s randomly thoughtful and sweet. He knows how to make me smile. He thinks outside the box. He’s intelligent. Has a sense of humor. Artistic. He has the ability to maintain platonic friendships with the opposite sex. He’s an actual softie on the inside despite the indifferent, sarcastic front he puts up. He lets me pick movies even when he doesn’t really want to watch them. He’s fun to be around. He’ll travel distances if he thinks it’s worth it. He listens when you least expect it.
I love him. He helped me feel more comfortable about food and my body (been a recovered anorexic for years, but still struggled with nutrition and intake til I met him). He’s inspired me to improve my diet. I think we’ve inspired each other to improve in certain aspects of our personality as well, although he sort of resists change.

He gets my humor and accepts my quirks. We’re can be massive goofballs around each other. In the beginning, he was there when I needed someone to talk to, and he didn’t judge. We complement each other in a lot of areas.

And finally, I believed in this relationship and I'm willing to put in the effort to make it work. I've done too much to give it up now, though I am painfully aware that giving has its limitations, and that it takes 2 to tango...