[feelingsoworthless]

I'm so scared right now that i think i might do something silly

my husband is a crack & heroin user has been 15 yrs first 8 yrs daily last 6/7 he relapses ever 1 - 2 weeks with a crack/heroin binge. he's made my life hell for this entire time but i've totally been THERE for him and how does he repay my support? By sexting loads of different women who he's met via his phone using various apps. I found some facebook msgs with 1 girl of 20 in new york (hes in his 40s!!) and he's telling her 'i ****ing love u' and 'ur so hot' when I confronted him he said it didnt MEAN anything as he was doing it for fun!!! He didnt offer me any form of apology and when I was crying he just blanked me!

When drugs were his distraction THAT was bad enough and I thought that was as bad as things could get, but these other females I just cannot deal with!!!!!!! I felt really disrespected with the drugs thing but now this betrayal by him it's like my feelings and our (already fragile) marriage have been trampled in the dirt!!! He's told me (in the not too distant past) that he didnt know where he'd have ended up if I hadn't stuck by him with the drugs thing (as nobody else did - just ME the mug!) and yet this is how he repays my sticking by him??!! I seriously think the drugs have messed up his brain as it's like he's had a complete personality transplant!!!

I wish I could pack my stuff and leave and if I could I WOULD but I can't as I have severe anxiety problems and agoraphobia and it's like he uses that to his full advantage knowing that I can't just up and go!

Please can anyone just listen even if you can't offer advice? I feel so alone right now.

[hamster-bamster]

I think you need to find a T to deal with anxiety / agoraphobia and counsel you as you are packing your bags. You cannot do that alone - you need help.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by feelingsoworthless

I'm so scared right now that i think i might do something silly

I seriously think the drugs have messed up his brain as it's like he's had a complete personality transplant!!!

I wish I could pack my stuff and leave and if I could I WOULD but I can't as I have severe anxiety problems and agoraphobia and it's like he uses that to his full advantage knowing that I can't just up and go!

Please can anyone just listen even if you can't offer advice? I feel so alone right now.

Through your words, are you implying that packing up your bags and leaving is 'silly'?

I agree with Ham-Bam, about finding someone to help you, as you pack your bags to leave. 'If I could, I Would, BUT I Can't', is negative self-talk that needs to be addressed by someone.

On one, hand, you mention you are afraid to do something silly--is leaving a crack and heroin addict, truly, that silly? So, he has thanked you for standing by him, in the past. You are not obligated to be his door-mat. I don't believe, he's using your anxiety against you, I feel there's something else, maybe your desire to be his only supporter in life? But hey, who knows what illnesses he could bring home one of these days.

With heroin, you are now, at high risk for HIV, due to syringe usage. What about that?! He's now establishing promiscuous behaviors? And that's nothing to stand by and watch unfold, is it?

[feelingsoworthless]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Through your words, are you implying that packing up your bags and leaving is 'silly'?

I agree with Ham-Bam, about finding someone to help you, as you pack your bags to leave. 'If I could, I Would, BUT I Can't', is negative self-talk that needs to be addressed by someone.

On one, hand, you mention you are afraid to do something silly--is leaving a crack and heroin addict, truly, that silly? So, he has thanked you for standing by him, in the past. You are not obligated to be his door-mat. I don't believe, he's using your anxiety against you, I feel there's something else, maybe your desire to be his only supporter in life? But hey, who knows what illnesses he could bring home one of these days.

With heroin, you are now, at high risk for HIV, due to syringe usage. What about that?! He's now establishing promiscuous behaviors? And that's nothing to stand by and watch unfold, is it?

Sorry but to clarify, the something silly wasn't leaving, not in a bag-packing sense anyway, I see my ONLY way out is that my life ends. That's not a suicide threat, I would never do that to my elderly parents, but I've stopped getting regular health checks/screenings as I really don't care if I get seriously sick.

I don't want [nor did I ever want] to be his only supporter, it's a massive strain, and has meant that any help for MY issues has gone on hold as his drug problem has taken all my time emotionally, and I've tried in vain to get extra support from HIS family but they are the kind of ppl who sweep things under the carpet and have very ineffective ways of dealing with matters that call for any emotional input.

I'm not at ANY risk of any blood transmitted diseases as he's never injected any drugs, he smokes them, plus there's no physical relationship with this total pig as that's the last thing I want from someone who has no regard for my feelings or well being.

I can't physically LEAVE him and he's fully aware of that, which is why he feels he has free rein to do or say whatever he likes as he KNOWS I can't walk out the door. He knows this because I have panic attacks if I'm on my own for longer than an hour or so but that's under normal everyday circumstances. If he walked out and left me [which he HAS done even in the small hours of the morning] he knows I will suffer serious anxiety attacks, so he knows that I do all I can to avoid that happening. I have really no choice other than put up with his abuse, disrespect and constant bullying.

Last night he was on the sofa next to me messaging his latest female on his mobile right under my nose, I dared to ask him what he was doing and it all kicked off. I should 'keep my ****ing nose out' its nothing to DO with ME! It 'doesn't mean anything' he's just 'having a laugh, it's just a game' This man has no idea that the way he conducts himself in our marriage is unacceptable, abusive and completely demoralising to be on the receiving end of.

I just don't know what [if anything?] I can do about this intolerable situation. I've tried ignoring his behaviour but I can only do that for so long until my instincts to stand up for myself kick in. I've tried staying in another room away from him but that's just playing right into his hands in giving him the privacy he wants to carry on with these females on his phone. My Mum has spoken to him about what he's doing and it just doesn't get through to him at all.

Could his personality change be down to the long term abuse of crack/heroin and if so is the 'damage' irreversible?

Originally Posted by feelingsoworthless

My Mum has spoken to him about what he's doing and it just doesn't get through to him at all.

Any chance you can go stay with your mum - ask her to help you at all? Phobia's are so powerful, but I wonder with a bit of help from someone you trust may be the first step...
Hugs.

[feelingsoworthless]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Any chance you can go stay with your mum - ask her to help you at all? Phobia's are so powerful, but I wonder with a bit of help from someone you trust may be the first step...
Hugs.

Sadly no, that's another closed avenue as I have dogs, and one who is sick and old, leaving her with HIM would be a death sentence. My mum has a cat and her husband [who's NOT my Dad] won't let me bring her with me. My agoraphobia is so bad that going to stay with her would be a real struggle for me anyway, but if my dog could go with me I'd force myself to go stay with her.

Thanks so much for the reply and the hugs

[Wren_]

((((((((((feelingsoworthless)))))))))))
with all that is going on ... it would be great if you had some support and help; if your agoraphobia prevents you from going to a therapist (which is understandable if that is the case) ... have you looked at online therapists before? ... apart from that ... i'm glad you are here and posting, and hope that it helps just knowing you are being heard

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by feelingsoworthless

Sorry but to clarify, the something silly wasn't leaving, not in a bag-packing sense anyway, I see my ONLY way out is that my life ends. That's not a suicide threat, I would never do that to my elderly parents, but I've stopped getting regular health checks/screenings as I really don't care if I get seriously sick.

That is not a good move. Even if you do not care about longevity, you should care about pain. Early diagnosis of many diseases means less invasive treatment and less pain. So, not wise, no. Not wise even if you do not care now - I bet if you end up in severe pain, you will care, but it might be too late.

[feelingsoworthless]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

((((((((((feelingsoworthless)))))))))))
with all that is going on ... it would be great if you had some support and help; if your agoraphobia prevents you from going to a therapist (which is understandable if that is the case) ... have you looked at online therapists before? ... apart from that ... i'm glad you are here and posting, and hope that it helps just knowing you are being heard

Yes it does help to know someone's hearing me

I have my first phone counselling CBT session a week from now but I think that's intended to help me with getting out, I'm not sure if they'll take ALL matters into account, my other half's destructive behaviour and his disregard of my feelings - I hope so as that's a major hurdle in my life and very relevant to the situation as a whole. I've tried CBT before a few years ago but it didn't really help then, mainly as it seemed to revolve around focusing on how anxious I was whilst 'out there' trying to push myself to going that bit further all the time. I felt worse dwelling on just how BAD I was feeling, I have since found that trying to distract my thoughts away from the anxious feelings has a better outcome for me. Listening to my ipod while I walked for example. I will give CBT another shot, but I'm also thinking of trying hypnotherapy as a plan B if CBT fails.

Things came to a head today [again!!] and I completely lost my cool with him and told him to go. Within 30 minutes of him going he was msging me saying he could never live without me etc - which is something I've read that abusers often do when faced with the possibility of life without their partner. Of course I saw that as a shred of SOME sort of love for me but is it? Or is it just the fact he'd no longer have me as his emotional 'punchbag'? Or was it him playing the caring husband knowing that I would clutch at any olive branch he saw fit to offer as he knows I can't make it alone?

I agreed that we could talk [again!!!!] if he was willing to stop this msging of other females, he agreed he would, so he came home. But as soon as I saw his face I knew he'd relapsed with the drugs again!!! I told him there was no point in talking tonight while he was under the influence. Since then [6 hours or so ago] he has become more and more off with me and has reverted back to his sarcastic and nasty self - I give this man an inch and he takes a mile every time! Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Feeling pretty dis-empowered again tonight!

[mikayla04]

Originally Posted by feelingsoworthless

I'm so scared right now that i think i might do something silly

my husband is a crack & heroin user has been 15 yrs first 8 yrs daily last 6/7 he relapses ever 1 - 2 weeks with a crack/heroin binge. he's made my life hell for this entire time but i've totally been THERE for him and how does he repay my support? By sexting loads of different women who he's met via his phone using various apps. I found some facebook msgs with 1 girl of 20 in new york (hes in his 40s!!) and he's telling her 'i ****ing love u' and 'ur so hot' when I confronted him he said it didnt MEAN anything as he was doing it for fun!!! He didnt offer me any form of apology and when I was crying he just blanked me!

When drugs were his distraction THAT was bad enough and I thought that was as bad as things could get, but these other females I just cannot deal with!!!!!!! I felt really disrespected with the drugs thing but now this betrayal by him it's like my feelings and our (already fragile) marriage have been trampled in the dirt!!! He's told me (in the not too distant past) that he didnt know where he'd have ended up if I hadn't stuck by him with the drugs thing (as nobody else did - just ME the mug!) and yet this is how he repays my sticking by him??!! I seriously think the drugs have messed up his brain as it's like he's had a complete personality transplant!!!

I wish I could pack my stuff and leave and if I could I WOULD but I can't as I have severe anxiety problems and agoraphobia and it's like he uses that to his full advantage knowing that I can't just up and go!

Please can anyone just listen even if you can't offer advice? I feel so alone right now.

I am so sorry that you are going through this alone. Please try to get help for yourself. Because it seems that your knows that you cant leave. And no one should have to live like this. I think that you need counseling on your problems before you can help him . Is there any place close to where you live that counsel you? Maybe on the phone if you feel that you cant go out. I hope and pray things get better for you.

[feelingsoworthless]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That is not a good move. Even if you do not care about longevity, you should care about pain. Early diagnosis of many diseases means less invasive treatment and less pain. So, not wise, no. Not wise even if you do not care now - I bet if you end up in severe pain, you will care, but it might be too late.

Obviously I care about pain, I realise you mean physical pain but I am IN pain emotionally and mentally every day as things stand. I wouldn't want my life to continue for years and years under my current circumstances as they are now, and unless things change pretty radically I won't be looking to get any female health checks done, sorry if that offends anyone but in a life where I have very little control that's something I DO have control over. And to state the obvious, we're all going to die one day and that's unlikely [sadly for all of us] to be a pain free experience.

All of that aside I had a smear test done by a nurse at my home around 20 years ago [last time I had one] as I couldn't get to the doc's, and when she was unable to get a good enough sample and then informed my dr of this, my dr stated 'oh well, you've not had many sexual partners have you? You should be ok' - that's the UK's national health service for you

[redbandit]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. You said you had a counseling phone session. Did you tell your counselor about how you feel trapped in your marriage? I just wonder if he/she could give you any contact info about safe places. Do you have shelters in the UK for women? I really hope I'm not offending you. I'm just worried because it seems you are in a dangerous situation.

[feelingsoworthless]

Originally Posted by redbandit

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. You said you had a counseling phone session. Did you tell your counselor about how you feel trapped in your marriage? I just wonder if he/she could give you any contact info about safe places. Do you have shelters in the UK for women? I really hope I'm not offending you. I'm just worried because it seems you are in a dangerous situation.

Thanks for your reply I haven't had my first session yet, next week is the first one. I couldn't consider a shelter [though there are plenty] as I can't leave the house, only for very short walks. Thanks for caring I really appreciate it.

[Odee]

Leave, seriously. You say you don't want to leave because of your anxiety issues, but with the way he treats you and what he makes you go through he is only worsening your issues. You need to be where you are respected and loved. It seems scary to leave but you will find your fears unfounded -- there's a kinder world out there than the one your husband created.