Dealing with some odd relationship emotions help please

I'll try to make this brief and to the point.

I started dating someone new earlier this year.

Before that I had gotten kicked out and forced to move across the country after my girlfriend I had been with and lived with and helped raise two kids for six years kicked me out.

With my new girlfriend I have to admit I seemed to have "cold feet' so to speak, but the relationship progressed.

Recently I let the "L" word slip out during a conversation...

The next day her life was kinda thrown in the air when a disagreement between her and her family left her without a lot of her rightful property and her and her two kids without a home.
(She cannot live with me as I was forced to move back home due to having health issues and the incident last summer when I was kicked out)

We had mused about moving to another city out west from me, but now she is doing it quick so she can feel stable.

I was asked about going and after a sorting of emotions I know I would feel very sad to be far away from her...but I would by lying to say I am not a little scared and wary of such another major move.

But I did say I am going and the alternative seems to really be a place of hurt and isolation and I think she might be one of the few ppl that understand some of thew ways that I can be...

I know my new girl is 100% NOT my ex and way more humble and trustworthy.

Which leads me to the bit that is REALLY driving me nuts tonight.

When I was with my ex, she pretty much cured me of a really bad and potentially damaging jealousy issue.
For the next six years I was not like I was before that I gave her my complete trust.

I think when we broke up that was broken due to how I was treated after the breakup but before I moved back North.

But now my new girl is being helped by an older male gentleman as she is in crisis (and I met the guy and think hes a good guy) and (I feel dumb writing this) I am jealous and have all kinds of scenarios going through my head.

I had a bout of jealousy also when she was around her ex, which she has to be as she has kids.

She knows about my jealousy as I have tried to be brutally honest in this new relationship and she thinks its natural after all I went through with my ex and losing the kids

So here are my issues:

1.) How can I stop the jealousy? Why did it come back and how do I kick that old hag out as I hate her and know that she kills all manners of relationships!

2.) I think all of the "history repeating" is freaking the living dog @#$% out of me! But I also feel I have nothing to lose by moving out of state again... as I hate this area and would rather live and try then stay and be unhappy and always wondering what if that was my one good shot at a decent person without all the bs?

3.) I think my old realtionship did me a few doozys and brought back some really old negative habits, like jealousy and all of it's dumb fantasy scenarios and worry,
How do I identify what is going on with me?

I need a clear head to figure this all out, both for my sake, her sakle and everyone's sake.

I think I am worrying more about all this then she might be.

My emotions have been running rampant and all of this is making me ill to a degree, which is odd as I never did anything like this before...honestly I also think some part of my brain is trying to deflect being in 'love'.

I last really slept the night of the fourth and it is now the early morning of the eighth....since then I have slept a total of five hours and that was broken...

(I have sleep issues and anxiety and a history of low self esteem and depression by the way plus other non relevant physical conditions )

Simply put, besides the stress of her situation, which I am sure lays a factor, I just want this:

and not this: ....nor this:

Please give me some advice guys or at least talk to me as I have very little friends to bounce things off of and talk things out with.

Thanks!

Sorry to double post but can some kind mod move this post to the Relationship area?

I am sorry as many might be I was in a state when writing this and must have missed the Relationship section...all apologies and many thanks!

Hi, doctorwho737.



There is at least one more place on this website that may give you feedback relevant to what you have described.

Relationships & Communication - Forums at Psych Central
This following link might be helpful as well. It depends on what issues came up in the past related to jealousy.

Steps to Better Self-Esteem - Forums at Psych Central

Hopefully, with more feedback from other PC members, you could decide on whether professional help would be helpful or not.

This is because the situations in which older gentlemen (it is funny how you wrote "male gentleman") - who are undoubtedly good guys - help women in crisis - called "damsel in distress" - create what is called "pregnant moments" that might or might not lead to interesting developments unforeseen by the parties in advance.

Might or might not - you never know.

Is it possible to re-arrange matters to remove the nice gentleman out of the picture? That would make life easier for you - you won't have the scenarios running through your head.

Well during a conversation the guy admitted that he would 'take her in a heartbeat' and that he would not though as he is too old for her and her kids and he also does not mess around with others girlfriends or wives...

BUT NOW...

I let the green eyed monster out a bit and now she is getting tired of repeating the same lines about how she invited me to move with her and help with her kids and had 'relations', something she said she would never do with anyone after her past.

She says she likes the person I am a lot and wants me with her and sees us being together for a long time but now she is getting a little annoyed.

Worst part is the other guy asked if we could all live in a big house together after the move for money reasons, which I agreed with to a degree and now think is a bad idea, and not just because of the jealousy.

He sees himself as her protector and that is fine, even good as I want her safe, but I think if we move into a house and she differs more to his advice then mine or if our advice is at opposite ends of the spectrum's this may cause strife.

Other ppl agreed with this even her friends and when I mentioned it it now seemed like I want her to choose between us in her mind.

Another thing bothering me is that they seem to get along so well and they talk more and smiles at him more etc etc..I know its normal as she has had a rough life and tons of trust issues (which I had the power to get past most of them based on the REAL me, not this jealous idiot!), but it stabs me right in the stomach.

I told her when we were all together it seems like she talks to him more then me and there were even moments when I tried to join in the conversation and was kind of ignored or not heard or talked over.

So we took the kids out for some fun and I just stomped off as they walked in together ahead of me chatting away...

Then the two of them were going to try out some virtual ride thing that seats two and I was asked to if I wanted to go on with her instead...I said no as I hate those things but honestly it was like I felt I was the second choice so wtf?
(But as she said during our talk that night, I walked off)

Then just me and her and the one kid went around together while the other guys and the other kid went around. This should have been her trying to say "hey, here I am, just with you", but what did I do? I acted like an *** and made it worse.

HELP ME PLEASE, I really think I found a good woman who would never hurt me and I don't like these feelings.

My friend pointed out that he is like her teddy bear as she has been through such violent stuff and I want to not only be in that alpha male spot in her heart as her knight on a white horse but that spot is taken he says.

I try and not see things, like how much she smiles at him or when he says something she listens attentively and

He also said that he think I want to control as well, which might be true, none of my relationships, even with my family have ever been trusting and the one time I gave up trust seven years ago I was burned badly..

I also really do not think him living with us will be healthy for a growing relationship, especially as we will have a 'family' straight away.

Others have agreed with this on a normal relationship basis minus any jealousy at all, but now that she knows I am jealous

I REALLY like the guy and believe him but I don't know what to do...help please?

Well, this is what is going on with you, to the extent that it can be gleaned from written material.

She does have some attraction to the guy.

He does have some attraction to her as well.

Denying those two attractions would be futile.

You have found yourself liking the guy a lot. In other words, you have come to that point in your life when you realize that people who - like you - are attracted to your partner are... well, nice folks. Not villains. Nice folks, and even to some extent similar to you, which makes perfect sense, since your being attracted to the same woman signals some commonality/similarity between you and the guy.

So register that you like him a lot and reflect on that. Maybe it is OK?.. Maybe you should not view him as a competitor?.. Maybe you can have some sort of a peaceful relationship. If you really cannot do that, then do not go into this kind of an arrangement, because you WILL feel hurt.

You wrote: "I try and not see things, like how much she smiles at him or when he says something she listens attentively".

It is futile to try and not see things. You see things because you are registering what exists in reality. Trying not to see things will not help you at all. The only thing that can help is your internal work with your mind; with your beliefs, assumptions, expectations, etc. Because see - you wrote:

"HELP ME PLEASE, I really think I found a good woman who would never hurt me and I don't like these feelings."

So you do not like these feelings. OK, challenge the root cause of the feelings. She will not take those feelings away. To the extent that you are posting here looking for some reassurance - you won't get it, because this kind of arrangement is very likely to lead to interesting developments, and it is much better to recognize that fact that to try and not see it. At the root of your feeling is your belief that unless you have monopolized her attention span, you are worthless. It is a belief in your mind, and everything else flows from that belief. Try to challenge it. Maybe it is OK. Maybe you will be able to see that she likes giving her attention to you and to the guy. Maybe it is not all rivalry.

So try it - it is all work within your own mind, independently of anybody and anything.

But if you cannot - some people cannot; some people always view romantic relationships in the context of rivalry - then do not move in; you WILL get hurt feelings every day.

How old are all of the people in this movie?

(sorry, not trying to make light of it, but sometimes if you separate yourself from the situation like an outsider looking in, like it is a movie, you can give the main character (yourself) the advice he needs to hear.)

This guy seems like his intentions are good, but it sounds like he is getting a sadistic pleasure out of being the white knight, as you say.

Reminds me of the movie "Indecent Proposal". She really did start to fall for the other guy. But never "officially", until the husband created his own demise through his jealousy. But his jealousy was just the excuse she needed. She was developing the feelings, don't be fooled. I like the previous posters "pregnant moments" analogy.

Pick up Artists call them "sparks". They go around the bar throwing sparks on all these girls and then take the most willing girl home with them at the end of the night. 25% recognize him as a player and a jerk. 25% recognize him as a player, but love the feeling anyway, play along, but would never go home with him. 35% don't recognize that he is a player, and they eat it up, but would still never go home with him, even after two dates, and then don't understand why he doesn't call. And 15% fall for it hook line and sinker and end up sleeping with the guy.

This guy is not as malicious as that, but he is definitely creating a co-dependent relationship with her that is churning up her emotional attachment. She will deny that to her grave, because nothing has ever "happened". But like the last poster said, those "pregnant moments" are like seeds, planted. Maybe they will sprout, maybe not.

Another good movie for you is Silver Linings Playbook. If you were the guy in that movie, during his previous marriage prequel, you might consider doing what he did (although in the movie, it wasn't his choice). Get out of the relationship, get your life together, and then be a white knight for some future lady that you haven't yet met. It worked well for him. He did all this work to win his wife back from the white knight, but in so doing, he became the white night for Jennifer Lawrence.

If you can't be the white knight now, but you are fighting for love against a white knight, you may just be ignoring the reality. DO what you need to do to BECOME a white knight. Not for her, but for you.

In my opinion.

That might very well be the case - the guy might be deriving all sorts of a twisted pleasure from playing the role he is playing. And, I agree with mojo321, if you are intent on playing the role of the white knight, she is not a good match for you. White knights, unlike knights in general, have the quality of not tolerating company. You said it yourself - the space she dedicated for a white knight is not vacant. So, there is no place for you if you want to be a white knight, and you should follow mojo's advice and find another damsel in distress - one who would say that the space of a white knight IS vacant.

With this woman, you should stay only if you can think of any other way of relating to her - of being somebody other than a white knight.

If he would take her in a heartbeat, why hasn't he?

And she invited you there, and help...'with her kids.'??

Is this jealousy? Or nagging cynicism?

the guy explained:

"he would not though as he is too old for her and her kids "