I need a reality check.

Oh, Rose, can you freeze eggs?

I've looked into it locally, but it costs a lot. I am not sure how much my total treatment is going to be. I am still considering it, though.

I will concede that not everyone is fit to be a parent, and certainly having children is a mistake for some people. But the child itself is a blank slate. You cannot get mad at an orange for being an orange. You cannot wish it into an apple.

I'm sorry that cancer may limit your choices. I hope that everything works out in your best interest.

It just feels to me like you are experimenting with other people; the child is not part of the equation, whether you can date a guy with kids (he is a guy with a child, that can't be undone), and yet you are going to let your limits and compromises affect the child's life. I don't know the child's background but if I were the child and going to see a father I did not know and his girlfriend, who was upset I was around was there. . .

I don't think your boyfriend has handled his fatherhood well (I see a bit where AAAAA is coming from) and here he's trying to handle it by using you/keeping you around and trying to decide when you can be there or go, etc., as well as, when he is probably being "forced" to see his child, he's trying to rope you in though you have always expressed unwillingness to date a man with children. I think your "reality" is pretty good, he's being somewhat pushy/selfish and boundary crossing about your staying/going off on your own.

I don't think you can get a good reading of your own interests/abilities around this sort of situation as it's being wholly manipulated by him? Too, to me, is the moral question of learning your limits at the expense of a child who's not an adult, and cannot decide when to come/go at all or even what the heck is going on "over his head" with mommy, daddy, and daddy's girlfriend, etc.

He sounds like a jerk.

You say he's an artist who works from home and makes money. But wait -- is it YOUR home? That you own? And he brought his child into it for 10 days even though you are very upset by that, and you told him so. And you have just been diagnosed with a serious illness -- so now the solution is that you hide out in your room? He should be comforting you and letting you talk about this and bringing you cups of tea and discussion options and treatment plans, etc.

Well, maybe I'm just making incorrect assumptions here, but from what I've seen on this thread, he doesn't sound like a keeper.

The child and I have a good relationship, but the fact is, I don't like everything that comes with it. I guess "trying something for the first time" is "experimenting". We all experiment to see what we can do and what we can't. My bf has fully knowledge that after this week, I may move out and move on with my life. I am trying to see if this is something I can do. After the first day the kiddo was here, it's been pretty good. I had a mini melt down after the ex called and my bf and her sat there talking like friends. I was under the impression they couldn't even talk. He waved me away and I am not sure what hurt me more: Him sending me away or the fact I feel lied to....again. He said he was being civil, and I can see that, but at the same time if the relationship is truly that broken as to not being able to talk, then why not say, "Oh, hey, I'm working right now and he's in the bathroom. I'll have him call you when he gets out. Bye"

He basically told me I need to get over it or leave. I am considering leaving, but my first treatment is tomorrow and I don't want to burden a friend by staying the night, going back tomorrow and being sick and them feeling like they have to take care of me.

Right now I am inclined to agree with the jerk part because I am upset with him. I live with him in an apartment, but do own a home free and clear I can move back into when I wish. He is being comforting, as much as he knows how to be, but not very patient with the getting used to everything that involves the kiddo. When I get upset over something, it's turned from listening or getting upset to, "Get over it or leave." This is his defense mechanism. I get that, but it sucks. He's afraid I am going to leave, so he figures if he controls it, it won't be so bad. I get it. I just may leave one day and not come back.

I wanted to post the outcome of this issue because I got a lot of good advice and insights from all of you. All too often I will post on a thread and then a few weeks later wonder whatever happened to so and so.

The week with the kiddo went well. The first two days of his visit I cried a lot. (Not in front of him or anyone, though.) I would go pick up something from the store and cry while I was out, pull myself together, then smile and make grilled cheese rolls. He and I had lots of fun going to the dog park, watching cartoons, playing video games, cooking, and doing sciencey things I had planned. All of the activity planning I did paid off as well; we all had a great time. When I started treatment for cancer, he would tip toe in the room to see if I was awake and when I was he would crawl into bed with me and we would play games on my laptop or talk about school, what he wanted to do when he grew up, etc. That part was the least worry on my mind, but I am happy to have reaffirmed that I can spend time with him and it not be weird.

The only glitch (aka thing I didn't mentally prepare myself for) I had was when the my bf's ex called and he talked to her. For some reason in my mind, it never occurred to me that she would call and he would answer instead of throwing the phone to the kiddo. I didn't respond well to that at all, but I got over it after a bit. They don't have a good relationship at all and they only talk in court, so this was a bit foreign to me. I had a treatment the day before the kiddo had to go home, and my bf's mom couldn't come pick him up as planned, so he had to meet the kid's mom half way. I couldn't be left alone, but couldn't do any heavy travelling. I ended up going with them and getting sick like...5 times. I wasn't ready to see her at all. I still wish I hadn't, but I can't change the past. She was very insistent on me getting out of the car to meet me. Both my bf and the kid told her I was very sick and couldn't be out in the heat and couldn't stand due to dizziness from a recent treatment. (I was told this part because I was out cold.) She had her kid open the door and that's what woke me up. I don't really remember a lot of this; I blame it on the medicine I was on. I remember being irritated at being woken up, in pain, nauseated, and I remember saying something that got her to leave me alone and her jabbering about something. The kiddo was in the car with his grandma, so at least he didn't hear what happened. My bf told me that I looked at her and told her "If are close enough to see me, then you are in striking distance. This is your warning." Then I went back to sleep. I slept most of the way home. I am not particularly proud of saying that, and if I had control of my faculties, I wouldn't have said it.

One thing I have noticed during the two visits with the kiddo is that the bf and I fight A LOT more. We hardly ever have argue, but while the kiddo is here, this time and last, we fight every night before bed and sleep angry. That's not good. This time in one of the fights, he told me to get over it or leave. I told him if he gives me that ultimatum again, I will and he won't see me again save for when the movers come to get my things. He hasn't said it since and apologized for it. I notice myself shying away from things with a father son dynamic or motif. (I have been skipping certain episodes of Star Trek: TNG. For shame! The whole franchise is one of the few things that I can re-watch while I am awake at night because it isn't particularly loud or scary, and there's lots of them!)

Now things between us are back to normal. The kiddo asked the bf to call more often, I get in a weird mood when he calls that I try to hide or kick. (Before I get blasted for coming between parent and child, my therapist told me it's normal because it's a change and everything that I know of this situation has been in constant flux and I am anxious about what's next.) The one time I have been around for a call, the kiddo and I talked. The only hang up I have about this (or any issue, really) is that the bf wants to go away when I am aggravated about something so "I can get over it" rather than try to figure out what aggravated me and fix the problem, or reassure me in this case. Or, on the flip side, he will ask me what's wrong, I will tell him, he will tell me it's my problem and get over it. He's pretty much stopped that though, after I pointed out, "It's true I control my reaction, but when someone important to me is being a jerk to me, it hurts. I am glad to know that you no longer wish to be important enough to illicit a reaction from me. I will start working on that."

The cancer treatments are going well. The aggressive therapies I am doing seem to be helping my body rid itself of cancer. My body doesn't respond well to the treatments, though. They make me nauseated, tired, dizzy, and shaky. I am doing a lot reading and TV watching. I was knitting, but my hands started to shake too badly. Typing is difficult sometimes, too. I've been doing more lurking than posting these days.

Overall, I think future visits will be responded to much better. I still wish he didn't have a kiddo, but wishing will not bring manifestation, so I will make the best of the situation.

Thank you for the update. I hope you feel better soon.