I need a reality check.

Ham-Bam, how did I miss this reply? This does make me feel a lot better. I never really thought about it that way. Like others who are not super-human, I am focusing on the negative. I know this consciously, but have to catch myself and change it. When I am mired up in the quagmire of my party of one on the pity pot, I don't always see it. Thank you.

I'd be exhausted too.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be No. 1 in your bf's (or husband's) life. If he made you feel as though you are already No. 1 in his life, this wouldn't even be an issue for you. If you really were No. 1 in his life, he would understand the stress you feel. Instead, he places more burden on you - to take care of his needs.

He's asking a LOT from you, regardless of how attached you become to his boy. It would become necessary to form some type of relationship with his ex - good or bad - a constant reminder you're No. 2., maybe just a "nanny" for the kid.

He ought to sit himself down and consider whether or not HE is worth all your extra time, worry, and expense. If not, teach him how to knit you a sweater - in two week's time. If he complains - tell him to knit one for his kid.....and have it ready before you return from your vacation.

ROFL! It's funny you mention knitting because I have already finished one sweater and one cardigan and am beginning another sweater..for him. I started it, then got upset at him and pulled it apart, then started it again..I felt like Penelope weaving her tapestry waiting for Odysseus to return!

You bring up the point of him making me feel like I am number one. There are a lot of ways he has, and after careful thought and consideration of your post, I am pretty sure my insecurities are the scary monsters hiding under the bed of my logic keeping it tightly under the covers. I have spent a considerable amount of time over the past month worrying about either: A) Valid concerns ie you didn't tell me have a kid upfront and let me think you were a dream come true...jerk. B) What if concerns ie What if the kid and I don't get a long so well this time and my bf takes the kids side? C) Jealousy concerns ie I do not want to share my bf and shouldn't have to. (This is the two year old me I keep talking about. She's cute, but...oh...the temper on that one.) D) Insecurity concerns ie Did he love the kids mom more than he loves me?

Right now, I am in a very logical "mood swing", if you will. I am framing the ongoing dialogue in my head with this: I love this man and have chosen this for myself. I could have done things differently, but didn't, and therefore I have to accept this reality. Any thought, that takes away from this topic, is currently being categorized and placed into one of the four categories above. A's are being considered thoughtfully. B's are put in the rubbish bin because what if they NEVER HAPPEN. C's are being put in time out because they are naughty and primarily driven by the D's which are being dealt with logically like: It's in the past and you KNOW each love is different. You've had three great loves of your life and each one felt different and more intense than the last.

Right now, after reading all of the posts and posting replies that make me think of my situation from different points of view, I am in a good place. Now I just need to maintain this place. I think the strategy I am employing now is MUCH MORE HEALTHY than cycling through emotions and being insecure. I actually FEEL HAPPY for the first time in two weeks.

Rose I hope you continue with your epiphany! Your BF lied to you and either you forgive or you move on. Either you accept that he's a package deal or you move on. Ultimately YOU decide how it's going to go, but if you choose to stay you're aware that there are compromises that you are going to have to make. We are adults, this is how life is.

I am curious though. Why doesn't your BF take vacation for the time his child is here? If he has only 10 days to spend with his child, why isn't he making sure he has it to spend with his child? He has 355 days to prepare for the 10 his kid is here. I'm stumped. My son's leave was changed this past Christmas and we were horribly upset. It was changed at the last minute so I had to work 3 of the 14 days he was here and hubby had to work 5. I don't understand why he isn't savoring every second.

I don't mean to be harsh, and I'm sure he has some redeeming qualities, but he sounds like a selfish horses @ss.

He sees the kiddo a week in the summer and 3 days at Christmas.
He is an artist (and actually makes money doing it), so he works from home. His plan is going to be: Work on stuff for clients from 7-2 then have the afternoon to do what I have planned to do. He WAS going to work ALL day (9-6) and then just hang out at night. I reminded him that my babysitting fees were incredibly high, so he cut back his hours. Then I asked him what he was going to do while the kiddo was here, and he said, "I don't know. I know he wants to go to the zoo, but other than that, just hang out." I made a schedule of events to enjoy each other's time:

Monday- Science and History Museum (I am a member due to teaching.)
Tuesday- Wax Museum, oddities museum, lasar maze, and hall of mirrors
Wednesday - Zoo
Thursday- Nature walk and make a salad from what we find
Friday- Asian market (THAT is an experience..) and family cooking night (razor clams from Asian market and fresh Jack Fruit.)
Saturday- Farmers Market, Breakfast, and take kiddo home.

Don't have too high of an opinion of me, this is pretty much driven from a place of selfishness in that I don't want to be stuck in an apartment all day with him for a week. If I am out and about, then I have air and feel like I can breathe.

The background on the kiddo:

He was a mistake. The bf and ex were young, and she got pregnant. She chose to keep the kiddo, as is her right. He didn't want the kid. They tried to date after he found out she was pregnant, but it just didn't work out. They were always on again, off again. He was a part of the kids life because his mother wanted grand kids and because he was already paying child support, so he should see the kiddo. He saw him every other weekend until the kiddo was 3, then he moved here because he could make more money here and there was a bigger art industry here. (He's from a small town.) Now he sees him ten days a year. He's also considered signing away his parental right because he doesn't feel like he's his kiddo in a lot of ways, and is just making the best of a bad situation. Please don't confuse my recounting of facts as I know them to be condoning his actions or defending him. I am merely telling you the history with the kiddo.

I hate telling this story. I am having to fight hard to stay out of a bad place.
I hate that he dated her and had a kid with her. I hate that the kiddo is treated like a mistake. ( I was a mistake too, and know how that feels.) I hate that he didn't tell me up front. (With the exception of the first "hate", I feel like these are valid concerns.)

The kiddo gets here tomorrow, and I don't think the house is clean enough, so I am going to go clean. (AKA control the aspects I CAN control...) Also, I have to bake a cake (boyfriend's birthday..he's getting a chocolate and vanilla checkerboard cake with chocolate butter cream and molded candies on the top...aka nervous cooking), and make mini quiches and breakfast corn dogs for breakfast this weekend while his family is here. (More nervous cooking.)

Oh, and on another note, since my anxiety is leaving me a bit nauseous, I have lost 5 pound toward my goal of losing twenty by October. I am calling that a "bright side".

Be careful with that, as this is a slippery slope.

Zofran (an anti-nausea medication, generic=ondansetron, comes in various forms, but the most convenient is dissolving tablets you put under your tongue) can help if you are seriously nauseous. At some point you need to eat. It is just a must. You need nutrients to feel your best and be up to the challenge.

You ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

I believe in gut instincts. If you've not managed to forgive your fella from withholding the fact he had a son yet, do you honestly feel like you ever will? You're very logical and smart (perhaps too logical), but I fear that the logical side hasn't won yet, and do you ever think it will after so long if you're honest with yourself? If you were going to forgive and accept, am sure it would've come easily by now.

I just see a lot of pain with your struggle - logical v emotional. Tough fight, but we're human, not like doc spock. I just hope you can be true to you and find happiness soon.

Lots of hugs.

I am not sure if I can. To be perfectly honest, I have been too clouded by fear and anxiety over the kiddo factor to find any kind of forgiveness to see if it's possible. Forgiveness and acceptance isn't something I have ever been good at, so with that trait, your point is true. This might be the lesson that helps me to learn that aspect of myself. If I can't, then that lesson is for another lifetime and so is this relationship. I do feel like at times I am fighting a losing battle, but other times I feel like I am winning. We will see what the next week brings. Thank you!

Well...

... if you remove the kiddo from the picture and generalize what happened, you will get the following:

... your bf intentionally withheld information that was vital for your decision making, and, he was in the know that such information was vital to you because you cared enough to express your requirements and expectations clearly and coherently...

... imagine a guy who is having a very gentle intercourse with a girl at a party after having given her a date rape drug. And, using a condom. And, very gently and without brutal force. Almost lovingly. And caressing her ever so nicely. But still - he took away her power to make independent decisions...

PS

And, in the date rape analogy, let us suppose that after raping the girl, the guy goes out, buys 50 scarlet roses and a diamond ring, and comes back to wait patiently until the date rape drug ceases to sedate the girl, because he wants to proclaim his love for her and propose to her.

We would say that while this is all cute, it STILL does not justify the date rape, right?..

So... nothing justifies removing your power to make decisions. And you are finding it hard to forgive that he removed your power to make decisions. And not that he has a kiddo. This is serious stuff. You are not being petty at all.

Rose this is your life and your decisions, but this man is a jackass! None of my children are mistakes although none of them were planned. My twins were conceived after my husband had a vasectomy. He recognized that I was feeling ill all of the time and bought an ept. I took it to shut him up but was shocked to discover I was pregnant.

Your man cannot even put his own desires for his own child. What kind of person does that make him? Why do you think he would treat you any better? I don't see it as a red flag, but a deafening alarm. He has trouble with how your feelings are manifesting because it makes him uncomfortable?

AAAAA, but Rose's bf is conflicted. And, Rose has some material already to think that he would treat her well at least in some aspects - he even treats her doggie well. This is saying something. It is unfortunate that he does not even own up, STILL AFTER ALL THIS TIME; he trivializes the problem by saying that other people have their kids from earlier relationships visit them much more frequently. He also demands sacrifices from Rose to which he is not entitled. On the other hand, he must have REALLY wanted to be with Rose to justify the omission of critical information in his mind. Had he not cared for her, he would not have bothered to concoct a story to make him look like a better candidate for her than he was in reality.

With all of that, the bf appears to be a normal human (=a conflicted person with a combination of flaws and attractive attributes) who does not qualify for the title of a "jackass".

I've been drinking the AWESOME GINGER TEA and it's helped a lot. When I get stressed out, I don't feel like eating and just forget to. :/ I am setting alarms to eat and drink water on my phone so I don't get stressed and forget.

I have thought of this in the rape scenario you mentioned. I know what he did was VERY WRONG and I fully realize that I am supporting this behavior by staying with him. I am trying to grow from this experience. If I can't then I know my limits. To be honest, I don't know if I can or if my trust has been broken to the point that I can't ever let it go. There are so many variables here. Also, my biopsy came back positive, so they are starting treatment this next week...while kiddo is here. I got the results from my dr about 5 minutes after kid got here. At least my bf isn't forcing interaction with me and the kiddo. I can do it on my own terms and when I get agitated, I go to our bedroom and post on here....or do homework.

If, for whatever reason, you do not do kids at this time, I do not see how you can "give it a go". It sounds like a deal breaker to me when he told you he had kids (does not matter if it was early, late, or whenever).

You have a choice to either work to like kids, be interested in liking kids or to continue to not want to date guys with kids but I don't see this period as being good for you, his child, or him.

Were I you, I would leave before the child comes and come back afterwards if you and he wants, or I would change what you want, to wanting to learn to enjoy the child/children and having him/them in your life.

If you do not like how he handled telling you about his child, that has to be part of your decision but you don't really get a choice of having him without his child unless he were to agree to that. You can have you without his child or you can have him with his child. He obviously wants you. That he made a bid for you with his child; that is his gamble and there's nothing "wrong" with that, we all do what we want for ourselves. You just have to decide what you want for yourself; to learn to enjoy children/this child or not at this time.

There is a difference between unplanned and mistake. Unplanned means that you planned to have kids in the future, but not now. Mistake means you didn't ever really mean to get pregnant, but you did. I was a mistake....the child of a rape. I was not unplanned. You were married and planned to have kids, presumably, but you got pregnant before you intended to. Your kids are not mistakes, just unplanned. When you make a mistake, like a car accident, you take care of what you need to, learn from it, and move on the best you can.

He treats me very well, actually. He takes care of me, loves me, and gives me what I need. The only thing "wrong" is that he has a kid and didn't tell me up front. True, I would have missed out on a great guy because of the kid, but such is the idea of the "deal breaker" when it comes to dating.

He doesn't like the idea of me leaving because I am the best girl he's ever had, according to him. None of his others have: A career, a car, a house, money in the savings account, financially responsible, or a retirement or investment account. They also have not been : Well read, well traveled, cultured, musically inclined, able to cook, share the same idea of clean, or speak more than one language. I treat him well and have the finances to do things for him. He is very afraid of losing me. I understand his insecurities because the kiddo has been here 24 hours and I am already to the point of needing to hole myself up in my bedroom and have a break.

That's what this time is. I need this information on my limits and the compromises I am willing to make. Liking kids isn't the problem, it's whether or not I can date a guy with kids.

Hey Rosebee, very sorry to read about your results.. that's a tough break for sure. Forgive me for this bit - but sod the world and all it's problems, please concentrate on getting yourself better. I hope your fella supports you too, and understands that you can't do everything right now.

Big, huge hugs.

I hope the treatment goes well. Will check out the AWESOME GINGER TEA - I stop eating when anxious and nauseous, just the way you do.

Glad to hear that the guy is supporting you and not forcing interactions with the kid on you. I think that means that the guy passes the litmus test on being sensitive.

I would disagree with you. The fact that he's willing to treat a gf's dog with more love and respect than his own child is in my opinion the very definition of jackass. This may not be your definition, nor Rose's but it's mine in spades.

Oh how I wish that was the case. I was 17 when I was pregnant with my oldest, and on birth control. But in the 80s it was not common knowledge that antibiotics negated the effect of birth control. I'm not exactly sure how this happened because we were also using condoms, except perhaps that I've learned since then that the type of condoms (lamb skin) that we were using at that time have been found to be less effective. But our second child was conceived using a diaphragm, spermicide and latex condoms. Our twins were conceived after my husband had a vasectomy. So it seems that no matter what my plans were, the universe decided I was going to be a mother many times over.

The difference as I see it is that when I became pregnant, I also choose to be a mother with everything that came with it. I understand that his choices were limited. But what I do not understand is his current attitude. Also, and this is non of my business, but I believe it was mentioned that you may want children in your future. What makes you think that he would treat any child that you had jointly any better than the one he already has?

You're bf has hit two of my hot buttons. I apologize if my reaction as offended you.

This has been discussed earlier on the thread.

You are trying to say that humans are more important than animals - sure, but the dog came later. And Rose came later than the child. As of now, the bf has shown the capacity to treat Rose and her dog very well (on balance and with some exceptions).

Plus, many people treat their younger children better simply because their own growth makes them better parents as they mature. Not anybody's fault - just happens this way.

I apologize for my assumption that you were already married. You referred to him as your husband and I figured you were already married. I was not offended, I just do not share the belief that no child is a mistake. I know that's not how life works. I am so glad that your children had you.

I asked him about any children we would have and he said that it would me worlds differently because it would be a child that he wanted, with someone he wanted to have a child with, and we would be ready for it. This isn't probably going to be a problem, as the treatment for my cancer is going to more than likely make me lose my ability to have children.