[pureseeker]

So lately me and my husband have been bickering non stop mostly because i always ask him who he is talking to on his phone or on social networking. He gets so angry when i ask but here is why i can't help it.
It all started when i had a hunch, i being his wife, guessed his password for his facebook and began to invade his social network and came across so many conversation he has had with other women. What caught my attention the most was a conversation he had with a woman that goes back to 2011, we got married in 2012. What concerned me was him calling her beautiful at times where he would be home sitting next to me, even on christmas but in january 2013 i was 5 months pregnant and i found him talking to her about how she only lived 45 min away from us and that he promises that he was only expecting and wasnt married....
Before finding this message i had to ask him to put he was married on his social networks...he blames his family not aggreeing with our quick committment but it always raised suspition.
But after finding the messages i flipped, but just tried talking to him about it and he told me he only talked to her when he was bored at workk, instead of talking to me...he says its because i was always sleeping...I WAS PREGNANT. He claims that it wasnt a big deal and "its not like he actually did something"
After that i lurked and hacked his profiles DAILY, until recently. He went and changed every password because "i kept looking for stuff"
That raised suspition even higher
I found a folder in his computer full of nudes from his past
I feel like the typical crazy wife now, i've never been like this before...my selfesteem vanished while pregnant and i havent been able to gain it back at all.
He is always on the computer and is all over other girls.
Am i crazy for getting mad when he "Likes" all of these other womens pictures? I get so heated and have to say something EVERY time i see it. Am i wrong for getting so upset? I feel like his intentions are to get attention from them in return for him liking their pics, like make them feel he might be interested in them even though he has a family. He doesn't even "Like" mine most of the time unless its pictures of our son (now 6 weeks old)
I watch him on his phone from the corner of my eye and he always looks to see if i'm watching before clicking on his inbox or on messages from unsaved number.
Today he got a text from an unsaved number then put the phone down right away then left the room, i asked who texted him and he got so angry i even ask and told me if i cant trust him this will never work...
I told him forgiving and forgetting are two different things and that he needs to earn my trust back but idk how i can ever trust him again when i still have intuition that he is being shady and now i have no way of confirming if i'm right or wrong...
Someone please put me in my place or help me learn how to start trusting him again or this marriage is going to end real soon
There is a lot more i could explain if i need to, i just have a newborn so its hard to find time to type this much in one sitting
Please help!
I still find myself forgiving him but the issue never fades even if i leave him, i always come back.

[Light4me]

Hi pureseeker,

You poor darling I feel for you so much. You have a new born baby this should be the most exciting time of both your lives. ( when your not exhausted!)
You two need to see a marriage guidance councillor asap. He is heading down a very dangerous road who knows what he has said to the other women its time to confront it in a safe environment where you have support from a professional person.
This is the time for him to step up support you and your baby and if he is serious about you and serious about being a Father he will agree to go.
Good Luck

[NWgirl2013]

Getting counseling is a great idea, and I have a feeling it will help define what is appropriate & what's not so much once the commitment to marriage/family is made. It sounds like this situation needs a mediator because it sounds like your man is treating this like you are taking away his toys or something, like a child.
I know a husband who told his wife that he intends to continue to have & make female friends, that it's none of her business & doesn't concern her. (Very weird idea in a marriage)
When she made a new male friend, he said he thought it was great, but actually he had a bugging device put in the house to watch/listen to her. It was such a creepy thing to do, & showed his true colors so much that she moved away. He was not serious about being a family with her. Heartbreaking but true.
Get your man to find a counselor, you find one too, & between you all is the answers you need.
Best of luck to you

[hamster-bamster]

I think you should take the baby and leave him, for three reasons:

1) that he is not excited about having a newborn baby is very disappointing. I am really sorry you ended up having a baby with him; men who are not excited about babies (with some exceptions - there are men who honestly cannot connect with babies and can only connect with older children, but at least they are aware of it and wish they were different but they cannot help it - in your situation, it sounds like your husband does not feel that his not being fully engrossed in baby care is his deficiency) are not worth your time, in general. While I can understand that he might have been bored or whatever or seeking approval from those various women on FB before, with a 6 week old baby...

Does he carry your son in a sling? does he change his diapers? does he bathe the son? what does he do? from your post, it seems that you are doing all the baby care and he uses his phone and his BF to connect with various women... which sounds pathetic.

2) he said to somebody that he was not married while he was married. This was meant to mislead two women - you and the other woman. He tried to misled her into believing that he was not married. He also tried to mislead you into believing that things were not the way they actually were. I do not think that such a severe case of dishonesty is treatable via counseling, so, in my opinion, counseling will be a waste of time and money and an extra reason for your getting more and more bewildered.

3) he does not like your FB pictures at all. This is so pathetic. I mean, if it does not occur to him by his using his own bright mind that he should at least like your pictures as frequently, if not more, than he likes the pictures of other women, he is a hopeless case.

Good grief you poor thing

What concerns me most out of all you've written is that he isn't even going to great lengths to hide it - how can he possibly be texting other women whilst you and your son are in the same room?!?! Not only does it show a complete lack of respect it's also quite aggressive behaviour. He thinks he can have it all and nothing in his perfect world will change. He sounds like a narcissist to me. At least you have your wonderful son so for the meantime you fortunately have the best distraction you could hope for but i wouldn't let this issue fester too long - not now there's another life involved. What worries me though is that from what you've written he sounds very defensive about the whole issue so even if he agrees to something like counselling, whether he'll be able to commit long term and build on any success he has is another matter. To be honest the whole thing sounds too far gone - he even told other people he wasn't married! I think you would be better off getting up and outta there. You deserve more than to sit there and be downtrodden by totally selfish and irresponsible behaviour. Keep posting here if you find it supportive and comforting - we'll all be here to listen no matter what happens. I hope everything works out the best for both you and your family.

[pureseeker]

He gets mad at me when the baby wakes him up in the middle of the night and i cant even remember the last time he changed a diaper. Honestly, I cant even let him hold the baby because he will start screaming and my husband has no clue on how to calm him down. I'v e been waiting to see even how long it will take for my husband to take out the trash or realize the dishes need to be done...the trash can is overflowing and the kitchen is a disaster yet he still just comes home and sits on him phone until he shuts his eyes, then when he wakes up he doesnt roll over and kiss his son or me he checks his phone...he thinks i'm so oblivious and i flip out for no reason. What scares me the most is that his father is the same way, i'm not even thinking about my future anymore, its all about my sons future, i grew up in a broken home and it ruined my childhood, i dont want him to have to go threw what i went through...i especially dont want my husband to influence him into thinking his behavior is ok. I just cant find strength to leave him. There is still so much love and it maybe be because i'm not working still and he brings security but theres nowhere else for me and my son to really go. I am so lost, i am setting up counseling appts today and they some to our house so he has no excuse for any inconvienience

[hannabee]

Oh man Im soooo sorry this is happening to you, but it seems obvious that this man does not love or respect you and your union. He gets angry when you ask because he is UP TO SOMETHING!!! and it is not good! I hope you have a Mom you can call and go to because IMO you need to kick this loser to the curb and find a hero for you and your baby!!! There are plenty of good men out there and you will find someone who will take care of you and your child like they are supposed to. His father will need to pay support! Good luck to you.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by pureseeker

He gets mad at me when the baby wakes him up in the middle of the night and i cant even remember the last time he changed a diaper. Honestly, I cant even let him hold the baby because he will start screaming and my husband has no clue on how to calm him down. I'v e been waiting to see even how long it will take for my husband to take out the trash or realize the dishes need to be done...the trash can is overflowing and the kitchen is a disaster yet he still just comes home and sits on him phone until he shuts his eyes, then when he wakes up he doesnt roll over and kiss his son or me he checks his phone...

You are wasting your money setting up counseling appointments. Your money would be better spent on mediation or lawyers.

If a man does not roll over to kiss his son when he wakes up, he is suffering from a very deep emotional deficit that counseling will not be able to address.

Babies have that innate capacity to draw out the best in their parents - it is an evolutionary trait that aids the survival of the species. So whether your husband wants to kiss the baby (on his own volition and INSTINCTIVELY and not because you or the counselor told him that babies thrive on being kissed by parents, or, if some sort of a book he reads informs him that babies need to be kissed, hugged, held, touched, etc.) is a litmus test of what kind of a person he is, deep down. Since babies draw out the best from their parents (except for highly unusual cases), and, since your H does not kiss your son, his not kissing his son IS his best - he won't become better. The sooner you leave him, the better off you and your son will be.

6 weeks is long enough time to check whether he is capable of developing an attachment to his son on an instinctive level. He is not capable. He is therefore worthless. And, this is a much bigger problem than his talking to other women.

[hamster-bamster]

Spockette picked up on his behavior seeming to be aggressive. I think she is on to something.

It seems to me that your H is not, in reality, interested in any of those other women.

He is, however, very keen on getting a rise from you.

In essence, he has found a button in you and keeps pressing on this button because he enjoys hurting you. And that he likes a LOT.

Ideally, once you have determined that he positively enjoys hurting you, you should leave him for your own good, and find a more peaceful man.

However, to the extent that you might want to explore and exhaust your options, I would recommend attacking this issue in a rather paradoxical fashion.

Tell him that you do not care. Stop violating the terms of service of Facebook by hacking his account. Stop that (you will respect yourself more anyway if you stop violating the terms of service of Facebook). Tell him that he can contact whomever he wants and like whatever pictures he wants to like that are not yours.

See what happens. Once you remove the forbidden fruit element, he might lose interest. Also, once you stop being as vulnerable as you currently are, he won't be able to press those hurting buttons. One cannot press buttons that you do not have, and you have some control over what buttons you do have - exercise this control.

Do that for two months. In the meantime, observe his interactions with the baby. If you see some promising signs - say, he starts changing diapers and start smiling to the baby - then continue on. If he remains unresponsive to the baby, then leave him for your sake and your son's sake.

If you do decide to leave him, be happy that it is happening so soon. Would have been worse to waste more years on this guy.