[Bodiesneverfound]

I just got out of a four year relationship (it's a pretty complicated story but we were both abusive toward each other, I changed and he didn't and things didn't work out). I feel like I'm doing okay for the most part. I've picked up a few new hobbies that I really enjoy and I have thrown myself into my schoolwork (I'm premed) so during the day I usually feel pretty good and I don't think about him or our relationship that often simply because I am so busy with stuff I enjoy. My problem however is once night time hits. I get to this point where I'm worn out and I've finished my hobbies, chores, errands, schoolwork, etc and I don't know what to do with myself. I used to always hang out with him and play video games (don't play them anymore because they remind me of him and that's too much right now). A lot of the time I feel too tired to read or do anything active, either that or I've already had my fill of activities and I want to relax and hang out with someone. Problem is I don't have any friends in town because I was pretty isolated in that relationship. I've met some new people but they are usually busy doing their own thing at this point. I find myself at a loss of what to do but not tired enough to go to bed. Any suggestions? I do a lot of reading and I watch films regularly but I get tired of that and crave social interaction. I end up missing him terribly because this is the time of night we'd be talking, having dinner together, playing video games, etc. I'm talking to him again so it's tempting to pick up the phone and call him but I don't want to get too involved at this point. What else can I do while I wind down after a long day? It's like I don't know how to relax and enjoy the time I have to myself and once the days work is done if I don't have someone to hang out with I just want to go to sleep.

[shaggydoo]

i couldn't tell from the post, are you planning to stay single and work on finding the root of the negativity or just want ideas of how to stay busy for awhile?

[healingme4me]

One idea, something I've done time and again; jot notes about the good and bad, what needs were met, which ones weren't. And formulate a plan, so that you don't fall into the same pattern of what didn't work for you, for the next time.

[Bodiesneverfound]

Originally Posted by shaggydoo

i couldn't tell from the post, are you planning to stay single and work on finding the root of the negativity or just want ideas of how to stay busy for awhile?

Kind of both I guess. I'm not sure how long I plan to stay single- I'm talking with my ex again and he wants me back. He agreed to get therapy and I told him that I wouldn't even consider getting in a relationship with him until he's had at least six sessions. Even then I don't know if I will or not. I'm not sure if he's the one anymore or if it's worth my time. I am not opposed to dating other people if I happen to meet someone but I'm not looking for anyone to date actively right now. Even if my ex were completely out of the picture I'm not ready for that so I guess I'm trying to adjust to being single for the time being until I've healed, whenever that is.

[Bodiesneverfound]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

One idea, something I've done time and again; jot notes about the good and bad, what needs were met, which ones weren't. And formulate a plan, so that you don't fall into the same pattern of what didn't work for you, for the next time.

I was thinking of maybe making a list of pros and cons about the relationship to help me get perspective and choose if I want in my life at all. I haven't done it yet. My therapist keeps telling me to focus on whether or not the relationship was/is enhancing my life more than it was/is taking away from it. Right now I'm just playing things by ear and trying to figure out how to fill up my spare time.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Bodiesneverfound

I'm trying to adjust to being single for the time being until I've healed, whenever that is.

Healing work, to be become ready for the next relationship, a healthier relationship, involves numerous things and working through defining of self. It may result in becoming a pickier, choosier person, but your sense of integrity will shine through.

It can involve, therapy, self work or a combination of both. Figuring out your placement on the Erickson Theory Stage, can indicate what parts of self need to be resolved, worked through. Exploring your own identity and what precisely your needs are in any relationship. Learning how to effectively be in touch with any feeling you may have in the moment, and being able to articulate those feelings in an assertive, yet non combative stance. i.e., calmly, rationally, logically.

The energy spent on healing work, may one day, translate into a better tomorrow, relationship wise.

Because, when one is able to articulate, with a level head, to a new partner any concern one may have, the positive feedback will leave one feeling like they've come a long, long way from the old ways. And it's a positive feeling. And if the partner, doesn't react, in a healthy way, to your healthy behaviors, then you will know, deep down, you weeded out a relationship that isn't right for you.

I hope you are able to grow from all of this. It takes time. Good for you, for expressing a clear boundary with your ex. "I will only consider, trying again, if you attend at least 6 therapy sessions."

[shaggydoo]

I want to encourage you to lean towards working on yourself. There is much I would like to share with you on the subject of healing but ill keep it brief as conversations here take a while. Based on the fact that you were in an abusive relationship for an extended period and atleast considering dating the same person there is a strong chance that eventually you will find a version of abusive behavior that will resurface as time passes. So I ask you this why are you even talking to him? Are you scared of being alone? So a bad partner is better that no partner? Healing requires a form of emotional surgery and surgery is usually painful. It is worth the pain to heal in the end. I am a very strong believer in the power of the subconscious and think that your partner is an extension of you. From your post I got the feeling that you work hard at controlling most everything in your life. But also that you are afraid to trust yourself emotionally. Intellectually you do well. I expect that you are attracted to negative relationships because you fear the opposite which is a good healthy love and trust filled one. Intact I believe that as you truly heal you should expect to lose interest in your current partner. Over time he will look different to you unless he chooses to heal also. If however he only chooses to heal to keep his relationship with you then ultimately you will walk away again. Feel free to send me a pm as I have more questions and thoughts to share!

[Bodiesneverfound]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Healing work, to be become ready for the next relationship, a healthier relationship, involves numerous things and working through defining of self. It may result in becoming a pickier, choosier person, but your sense of integrity will shine through.

It can involve, therapy, self work or a combination of both. Figuring out your placement on the Erickson Theory Stage, can indicate what parts of self need to be resolved, worked through. Exploring your own identity and what precisely your needs are in any relationship. Learning how to effectively be in touch with any feeling you may have in the moment, and being able to articulate those feelings in an assertive, yet non combative stance. i.e., calmly, rationally, logically.

The energy spent on healing work, may one day, translate into a better tomorrow, relationship wise.

Because, when one is able to articulate, with a level head, to a new partner any concern one may have, the positive feedback will leave one feeling like they've come a long, long way from the old ways. And it's a positive feeling. And if the partner, doesn't react, in a healthy way, to your healthy behaviors, then you will know, deep down, you weeded out a relationship that isn't right for you.

I hope you are able to grow from all of this. It takes time. Good for you, for expressing a clear boundary with your ex. "I will only consider, trying again, if you attend at least 6 therapy sessions."

I looked at the stages of development and I'm not even sure if I'm past the first one. I have so many trust issues. I am in a DBT group right now and I have a wonderful individual therapist too. I feel like I'm getting better at sitting with my negative emotions as well as communicating in healthy ways. I really have seen a great change in myself. It's still tough though and I am nowhere near healed from all this.