[Benetduncan]

... and I can't shake the thought of you.

As absurd as it is to use a Dido lyric... it does express perfectly how I feel about the situation. Though Dido may sing this song with some kind of wistful melancholy (or so I remember) I do not.

I broke up with him a year ago and but we went back and forth a while until finally about two months ago I blocked him out of my life completely. He was (is... he's not dead) a serial manipulator, control freak (in ways which are quite twisted) and unfaithful. But I was besotted and did so many things for him (emigrated for one).

I still find myself on a daily basis... maybe two, three times a day, getting reminded of his existence and it feels like a punch in the gut. I stall. Usually lose the trail of thought. At night it's worse. I usually resort to substances to take the edge off that or other guys.

Any advice, it feels like such a typical thing to ask, on how to get over him? How not to let myself be dragged down any more by someone who wasted three and a half years of my life and who despite it all I am still obviously in love with?

[hamster-bamster]

Try thinking more of him. When you feel the draw to flood the memories by turning to substances and other guys, resist it and instead experience reliving the memories. It is not that you should abstain from using substances or having sex with other guys; you should just abstain from using them as tools of flooding memories. The fastest way to get over him (if it is possible at all) is to think and feel your way through it. If you have other guys, good, though.

I think as soon as you find yourself thinking about him in a negative, cyclical sense say to yourself 'stop,' and remember all the ways in which your life is better off without him in it - physically write it down if this helps reaffirm the process. Keep that piece of paper, refer to it or put it in a place you can see it often. I don't think you've wasted years being with him - we can always obtain something from relationships and at least now you have a better idea of what you want both from a partner and the relationship you share. Perhaps write at the bottom of your list or whatever; 'i'm free now to be with someone who will love me and whom deserves my love.' It sounds really basic and probably a bit dime store philosophy but i think just having gentle reminders like these are important - a lot of what we're influenced by is external. I think this is why something tactile, something you can see and touch is important in that respect. In time you will see the positive sides of your experience more clearly and any hurt caused by being with your ex won't be so painful. Time is a wonderful gift in that way. Right now it's about letting yourself grieve for the end of something that was meaningful and important to you. Be kind but firm towards your feelings, most are there as a way to help you heal but the possessive, controlling thoughts can be dealt with if handled in the right way. I hope i've been of some use. All the best.

[Benetduncan]

Thanks so much for you advice!

I get what you're both saying. Instead of avoiding the problem I should focus on it and really deal with it and still have fun. The problem with that is that I have tried that already. I spent a large portion of last year in the doldrums... and the first month after blocking him in my flat catatonic. I even walked accross northern Spain by myself for a month (pilgrimage), to shake him.

I don't want to be whiny. To be honest posting about this is creating rather a lot of internal conflict and feelings of shame.

But it's one of the visceral relationships where I lose myself in that person and let myself get treated like a fashion accessory and a plaything. One of those relationships which I gravitate back to and my friends sigh and despair at my incapacity to move on and how I become this passive mush of a human.

The main issue currently regarding him are the intrusive images. Vivid. Very vivid. It's like my mind is torturing me. All this for a type of guy who if any of my friends were with I would slap some reality into them....

I'm sorry, I think I just needed to vent. I forgot to mention that we were together for three years and, after moving accross Europe to be with him, he basically made me accept a level of control in my life (regarding body, social life, fidelity etc...) which he in no way applied to himself (as I discovered over the space of four months where body and mind fell apart... a year ago).

Thanks for your help... :S

I'm really sorry i couldn't be of more help to you - i seem to struggle with this in every reply i write lately :s - but that's not your problem. I think generally i was just trying to say perhaps smaller steps, some seemingly insignificant ones, might be the way to tackle this long term. I don't know what sort of professional help you get but i can relate a LOT to the intrusive thoughts - i have OCD so sadly it's become pretty much a way of life for me. That doesn't have to be the case for you though, i think getting a handle on it before its harder to break out of is vital. Even if OCD isn't the diagnosis there are some great DBT/CBT techniques/support mentioned here as well as on other great sites like this one: DBT Self Help I don't know you may have already experienced these sorts of things and found them difficult to apply to daily life but i hope either way you manage to support yourself whether or not you get therapy etc We'll of course be here to listen even if it does feel somewhat like the blind leading the blind :s

[hamster-bamster]

Well, a barefoot (at least symbolically barefoot) pilgrimage across Northern Spain for a month, and, on your own, seems to have been a very impressive move (no pun intended) to shake the memories of him. If that did not help, then, yes, admittedly he is literally sitting inside your gut...

...I think it stems from the fact that he controlled your mind.

You wrote: "he basically made me accept a level of control in my life (regarding body, social life, fidelity etc...) "

So he forced you into something that was very strongly against your will (hence your word choice - "he ... made me accept"). So maybe you simply have not recovered your capacity for free will and free decision making. He is still controlling your mind, on some level.

[Benetduncan]

Thanks very much. I'll look at the site! You're of great help!