[bear99]

I posted about this same girl a couple weeks ago. I was having some difficulty determining where my emotions lay with our relationship. There was another girl involved (I never cheated on the current girlfriend with the "other" girl, there was just a "connection"), but I shut out the "other girl" so I could focus on my feelings for my current girlfriend, Jane. Jane and I have been together for 3 years, and its been great. Well, mostly great. We've had our standard ups-and-downs but recently I'm very confused about whether I want to stay with her. There are times when I'm happier than anything when we're with each other. We get along great, I'm attracted to her, we share a lot of things in common. We communicate pretty well, although I have a tendency to withold my emotions and feelings from her. Not on purpose, I just have always had trouble expressing myself emotionally.

BUT there are times when I find myself feeling indifferent about our relationship. Like, is this the girl I'm supposed to marry? I never thought I would marry her when we first started dating and now we're in the 3rd year of our relationship and talking about moving in together. (Well, SHE'S talking about moving in together, I'm mostly deflecting her advances/questions about it). I'm a bit nervous about losing my independence if I moved in with her. I currently live with 3 of my good guy friends and I like having my space and ability to have "guy time." I know I'll need to "grow up" eventually but I'm bummed about losing that part of my life.

Not only this, but there are times when I simply don't want her around. For instance, this coming weekend I was invited to a music festival with two of my other friends - who are both girls. Jane and these other two girls are friends but they are more my friends than they are Jane's. Jane was not invited. Not because they don't like each other but simply because I am closer (read: friendship, nothing more) with these two girls than Jane is. I know Jane would like to be invited but I'd rather she didn't come. Music festivals are kind of my "thing" and I feel like I'd just be babysitting her the whole time and making sure she is "OK." I feel guilty knowing deep down I just don't want her there. Is that terrible of me? Or is this a normal feeling? We trust each other a lot. Would it be terrible of me to say to her "Listen, I want to go to this festival without you"? Part of me feels that I should want to do EVERYTHING with my girlfriend but there are times when I just don't, and this scares me and makes me think that if I'm thinking like this, I shouldn't be with her. Does this make any sense?

What I have realized recently is that I tend to magnify her weaknesses, and I've been trying to make an effort to minimize that. For instance, she gets a bit high strung and controlling at times, which REALLY bothers me, especially when she does it around our friends - I get embarrassed when she gets out of control, trying to organize (for instance) a dinner date with a bunch of people. She has to plan every single little thing down to the T. But, on the other hand, this makes her very well organized, which I can appreciate. She also has a great sense of humor, is able to "keep up" with me (I'm into a lot of extreme sports) and we both get along with each other's family's, which is a big plus in my book.

I digress - I suppose sometimes I just feel bored with the whole relationship-thing sometimes. I find myself looking at other girls and wondering what could be. I know this is wrong but I just can't help it. After three years, I crave that "new" relationship excitement feeling. Is this wrong of me?

I suppose what I'm asking is whether or not these feelings are normal. I've been bouncing back and forth about whether or not I want to be on my own or stay with her. I know I have a bit of a problem with commitment, I just want to be able to be confident with myself and my relationship. Thanks for listening.

[kaliope]

Just from what you wrote, from my perspective, it doesnt sound like you have as many pros for Jane as you do cons. It sounds like she is nice and convenient, but there is no spark. You still value your freedom too much to even begin thinking about committment, especially evident by not wanting her to go to the music festival with you. I go to a big one every year and most couples love to share that event. There is nothing wrong with valuing your freedom though. you still sound like you are young. you are not ready to settle down. you and jane just need to be on the same page about this for it to be fair. i suggest being honest about not wanting to move in. after 3 years, a girl is typically looking for a commitment so she needs to know where she stands. if you dont see a future togehter, its best to move on now.

[mojo321]

I agree with kaliope. Except...

IF you value this relationship, and you don't want to end it, there must be some reason. Could it be that you are not only holding back your emotions, but also holding back your true self?

I suggest taking her to the music festival. If you truly aren't going to do anything "wrong", like cheating on her, or hitting on other girls, or heavy drug use, or whatever it might be that you would want to hide from her, then you should include her. If she doesn't like the "real you" then you will argue afterwards, and it will all fall apart, which is fine. BUT, if she totally digs it all, then THIS girl, the girl you ALREADY have, may just actually BE the girl that you sometimes wish that she was!

You aren't giving her a fair shake at it. (maybe). Don't throw a relationship away just because you don't want to include her in your other personality, while meanwhile you look at other girls that jive with your other personality.

Whatever you do, do NOT babysit her. She is a big girl. As long as you aren't being bad to her, her feelings are her own.

You do NOT want a relationship that feels like a "ball and chain". Either include her and make it work, or get out of the relationship.

In my humble opinion.

[christine65]

Originally Posted by bear99

I posted about this same girl a couple weeks ago. I was having some difficulty determining where my emotions lay with our relationship. There was another girl involved (I never cheated on the current girlfriend with the "other" girl, there was just a "connection"), but I shut out the "other girl" so I could focus on my feelings for my current girlfriend, Jane. Jane and I have been together for 3 years, and its been great. Well, mostly great. We've had our standard ups-and-downs but recently I'm very confused about whether I want to stay with her. There are times when I'm happier than anything when we're with each other. We get along great, I'm attracted to her, we share a lot of things in common. We communicate pretty well, although I have a tendency to withold my emotions and feelings from her. Not on purpose, I just have always had trouble expressing myself emotionally.

BUT there are times when I find myself feeling indifferent about our relationship. Like, is this the girl I'm supposed to marry? I never thought I would marry her when we first started dating and now we're in the 3rd year of our relationship and talking about moving in together. (Well, SHE'S talking about moving in together, I'm mostly deflecting her advances/questions about it). I'm a bit nervous about losing my independence if I moved in with her. I currently live with 3 of my good guy friends and I like having my space and ability to have "guy time." I know I'll need to "grow up" eventually but I'm bummed about losing that part of my life.

Not only this, but there are times when I simply don't want her around. For instance, this coming weekend I was invited to a music festival with two of my other friends - who are both girls. Jane and these other two girls are friends but they are more my friends than they are Jane's. Jane was not invited. Not because they don't like each other but simply because I am closer (read: friendship, nothing more) with these two girls than Jane is. I know Jane would like to be invited but I'd rather she didn't come. Music festivals are kind of my "thing" and I feel like I'd just be babysitting her the whole time and making sure she is "OK." I feel guilty knowing deep down I just don't want her there. Is that terrible of me? Or is this a normal feeling? We trust each other a lot. Would it be terrible of me to say to her "Listen, I want to go to this festival without you"? Part of me feels that I should want to do EVERYTHING with my girlfriend but there are times when I just don't, and this scares me and makes me think that if I'm thinking like this, I shouldn't be with her. Does this make any sense?

What I have realized recently is that I tend to magnify her weaknesses, and I've been trying to make an effort to minimize that. For instance, she gets a bit high strung and controlling at times, which REALLY bothers me, especially when she does it around our friends - I get embarrassed when she gets out of control, trying to organize (for instance) a dinner date with a bunch of people. She has to plan every single little thing down to the T. But, on the other hand, this makes her very well organized, which I can appreciate. She also has a great sense of humor, is able to "keep up" with me (I'm into a lot of extreme sports) and we both get along with each other's family's, which is a big plus in my book.

I digress - I suppose sometimes I just feel bored with the whole relationship-thing sometimes. I find myself looking at other girls and wondering what could be. I know this is wrong but I just can't help it. After three years, I crave that "new" relationship excitement feeling. Is this wrong of me?

I suppose what I'm asking is whether or not these feelings are normal. I've been bouncing back and forth about whether or not I want to be on my own or stay with her. I know I have a bit of a problem with commitment, I just want to be able to be confident with myself and my relationship. Thanks for listening.

It sounds you are feeling the same way my boyfriend does...as a womans point of view you have to let her go because true love doesnt need a second thought...your guy time etc. would be the last thing you cared about if you were truly in love with your current girl friend...let her go and let her find someone who will truly love her and want to commit to her and give her what she really needs...love and compassion and understanding and a true commitment....

[hamster-bamster]

You are conflicted because humans tend to be conflicted.

There is nothing wrong with this.

It is a normal part of the complex experience of living.

You should stop thinking whether feeling whatever you are feeling is wrong of you.

Just stop right now and for the rest of your life.

Your feelings are valuable in and of themselves, and, in part, are there to inform your choices.

You need to learn to listen to your gut, observe and analyze your feelings, but not censor them.

The same applies to thoughts. Do not censor your thoughts.

I do not know what to advise with respect to the relationship, but with respect to your being at peace with yourself and enjoying life to the fullest, you clearly should stop censorship of feelings and thoughts asap.

[Light4me]

Even when Hamster is tired the advice makes perfect sense.

I agree with Hamster feeling conflicted is ok.

I look at it this way great relationships are based on great communication so I would talk to your girl about how you feel, tell her your conflicted, tell her you enjoy where you live and everything else on your mind. By discussing it you may discover you want different things or you might both agree you're not ready to move in together either way at least your talking about it.

It does bother me you don't want her to go with you to some of your social events and that you feel she needs baby sitting. I would hate my guy to feel that way about me it would really hurt me if he didn't want me around so I'm questioning if she is the right one for you.

Good luck, go easy with both your hearts.

[Perna]

You have to take responsibility for yourself and your actions, no matter whether you like doing them or not. Responsibility is not about liking something or not. It sounds like you are sort of young and do not want to move in with Jane (or have Jane move in with you). There is no right or wrong about that, it is about what you and Jane both want and decide to do but you do have to be honest about it. You have to say to Jane, "I don't want you to move in with me but I do still want to date you" knowing that Jane may say, "Well, I want to live together and eventually get married and if you won't do that, then I'm leaving".

You cannot fence sit your way to a happy relationship or try to cover all the bases, have a lot of girl "friends" Jane does not share and still have an exclusive relationship with Jane. It is fine to want to go to the show by yourself but you have to acknowledge to yourself that is what you want; it sounds like you are trying to "should" your way through a relationship, "should" want Jane, "should" be glad she's over controlling, etc.

I think you should decide what you want and do that. You cannot make other people want what you want though and you can't make yourself want what you don't want. There is no conflict in knowing what you want and going for it. It's life that if you do X you cannot do Y; don't be the monkey with the fist in a jar wanting to keep it all

The Monkey's Fist: An Ancient Parable for Modern Times - NSCBlog

[mojo321]

Originally Posted by Perna

The Monkey's Fist: An Ancient Parable for Modern Times - NSCBlog

I have always loved the monkey fist story! Thanks for the link!