[RiversideGuy]

My wide and I have been married 12 years, I'm 38 and my wife and I have two small boys ages 7 & 9 living with us. Recently I told my wife of my desire to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I signed up for a motorcycle class so I can properly learn how to ride. I explain to her that I was thinking of purchasing a motorcycle AFTER taking the class and wanted to know what she thought. Well she disagreed and days later sent me this email...I thought her email was insensitive and downright mean.

(Read below)

Based on motorcycle accident statistics, I have to make it known that I
will not be taking care of you in any capacity if any loss of limbs or
life function occurs as a result of a motorcycle accident. I am not in
agreement for the purchase of a motorcycle by the father of 2 small
children and the major earner of income for the household. Obviously any
loss of limb or function would cause great duress to the household and a
major loss of income. I would strongly urge you to purchase extra life
insurance, disability insurance and nursing home insurance.

So basically, if I'm severely injured she won't care for me and I'll be stuck in a nursing home without my spouse by my side...

What's your take on this?

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

I agree it was rude and insensitive. She must be very very against it and is using an extreme to forever change your mind about getting one? Maybe she's so upset about it, she's getting defensive and "rebellious" I think you should talk to her in person about it with absolute constraint on your emotions regardless of what she says.

[kirby777]

OMG! It was similar to ready my ex BF's alledged exwife's emails.

Does she usually send you emails of this nature??

[A Red Panda]

I'd address it with her: although the tone is overly harsh, she does have a point.

It's one of (many) hobbies that are not safe. It's also a pretty solitary and expensive hobby - the cost of a motorcycle would be put JUST to you as would all the time you would be spending driving it. That would take time and money away from the family. Which is ok if things are equal in your household - does your wife have any expensive hobbies that take her away from the family for a long time?

And like a lot of sports... it IS dangerous. There IS a large risk of injury with it. She's likely scared and worried for you, and scared and worried about how she would manage a household without you. Has it been a hobby you've talked about wanting to do for years, or have you only just recently sprung this on her? Does she think that you're going through a midlife crisis and trying to regain a bachelor-type status?

Not everyone is meant to be a caregiver - I'm certainly not. If I was married and my husband was so badly injured that he needed a full-time care-giver? I wouldn't be able to do it. Even trying my best, I would be terrible at it and the stress would slaughter me. I don't want to live my life like that. And if it happened because my potential husband chose to partake in a dangerous activity KNOWING that I was really against it? I'd resent him. If it happened because of some freak accident that had nothing out of the ordinary (so, like, a work accident or a regular car accident) that couldn't have been avoided? I'd likely have a lot more drive to keep trying my best to help them out.

It really depends a lot on the dynamics between you and your wife.

..... PS. I just saw that you have only recently told her of this desire - meaning that you've never really talked about it before. So it's not like she's always known that you were going to do this.. you've just sprung it on her. Even though it's a hobby for YOU, it's something that affects your WHOLE family and she does have a right to have her say. She just could have done it in a more caring manner.

[RiversideGuy]

Originally Posted by ocdwifeofsociopath

I agree it was rude and insensitive. She must be very very against it and is using an extreme to forever change your mind about getting one? Maybe she's so upset about it, she's getting defensive and "rebellious" I think you should talk to her in person about it with absolute constraint on your emotions regardless of what she says.

She is very upset but I haven't purchased the bike YET. I'm just taking classes learning how to ride. I will talk to her in a couple of days but she's not trying to talk to me at all right now.

[RiversideGuy]

I guess I'm looking at her message more in a negative way than I should. (I guess) I feel like if I were in her shoes and she sprung a surprise that she wanted to take up mountain climbing as a hobby, I wouldn't like it but I'll embrace her desire. I wouldn't start thinking ahead if she were to be seriously injured what would I do? Because as her husband I feel I should stand by her side no matter what she desires to do. Am I wrong for thinking like this?

[RiversideGuy]

Originally Posted by kirby777

OMG! It was similar to ready my ex BF's alledged exwife's emails.

Does she usually send you emails of this nature??

No she does not...Usually via text or in person.

Sounds like she's angry.. and worried. People say things out of anger, or it may be her blunt way to show how against it she is and how strongly she feels. Not so nice to hear in this manner for sure.

Keep talking.. it's the best way to solve this, and try not to let the hurt this email caused make talking harder. You've both got valid points in this situation.

Hugs.

[tinyrabbit]

I think she's scared and expressing it badly.

[Heather11]

I agree with tiny rabbit- she's scared. She's trying to bring to light what she sees with thoughts the motorcyle worse case scenario.

[Arwen_78]

I think everyone has good points. My dad rode a motorcycle and even if you know how to ride it, are good at riding one you still have to factor in people driving cars. Just like when riding a bike they don't look out for you. Your wife might have felt a little shut down by you coming to her and saying "Hey Honey, I've signed up for a motorcycle class and thinking of getting one after." I know I would if my husband just didn't think to talk with me about even signing up for the class.

[spondiferous]

I don't know how I'd react if someone sent me an email in this type of language. Especially my partner. I would not react well, I can say that much.

[lizardlady]

RiversideGuy, welcome to PC!

I went back and re-read your post after reading all the responses. My first thought was why did she e-mail you instead of speaking to you directly. My second thought was that if my huisband had told me after the fact that he signed up for a class and was thinking of buy a motorcycle I would've been rip snorting mad!

I suspect others here are right. Your wife is probably both angry and scared. Why not sit down face to face and discussyour interest and her concerns?

[hannabee]

Sorry whether it be by email or face to face, she is right. I don't think you have any right to take up a dangerous and expensive hobby if your wife doesn't want you to. You have three people depending on you. Wait to get the bike when you're retired.

[wpmelane]

Your wife seems like she took the wrong approach to get through to you. It sounds as if you have talked about this and nothing she has said to you has got you to change your tune on the motorcycle thing. She is trying to guilt and fear you (which is not right IMO) into giving up this "dream". She has good intentions im sure though. Just my opinion.

Originally Posted by RiversideGuy

My wide and I have been married 12 years, I'm 38 and my wife and I have two small boys ages 7 & 9 living with us. Recently I told my wife of my desire to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I signed up for a motorcycle class so I can properly learn how to ride. I explain to her that I was thinking of purchasing a motorcycle AFTER taking the class and wanted to know what she thought. Well she disagreed and days later sent me this email...I thought her email was insensitive and downright mean.

(Read below)

Based on motorcycle accident statistics, I have to make it known that I
will not be taking care of you in any capacity if any loss of limbs or
life function occurs as a result of a motorcycle accident. I am not in
agreement for the purchase of a motorcycle by the father of 2 small
children and the major earner of income for the household. Obviously any
loss of limb or function would cause great duress to the household and a
major loss of income. I would strongly urge you to purchase extra life
insurance, disability insurance and nursing home insurance.

So basically, if I'm severely injured she won't care for me and I'll be stuck in a nursing home without my spouse by my side...

What's your take on this?

On the surface it looks cold and calculating. Maybe it is. It may also be wise. Is there anything else... I mean did she have your health and your family's welfare etc as her basis of disagreement and was there any further discussion between the original discussion and the email?
She has a point but I'm sure you must see that. I love motorcycles. I started riding when I was 10 years old so I have a lot of experience riding. And I would caution anyone who decided to take up riding about how dangerous it really is. Look up the accident statistics for motorcycles. Do the math. Is it worth the risk?

[LissaCoffey]

Maybe she's so upset about it, she's getting defensive and "rebellious

[jadzea]

My thoughts....

You did not discuss your plans with your wife before you started taking the classes. Your decision was made without consulting her. She is hurt, angry and scared.

There are some issues that arise where one party's decision is made and is not changing. You and your wife may have found one of these issues. She is thinking about her family, including you, her future and possible expenses. You are thinking about doing a fun activity you have waned to do. Maybe you should put your desires on the back burner for a while until your children are grown, your bills are paid and your wife has less to worry about.

I know a number of people who used to ride. They either experienced accidents and/or know people who did and vow never to ride again. I also know a woman who worked in a hospital with a trauma unit. She said that after what she saw in that unit she would never let her son ride a motorcycle no matter what. I used to know another woman who's husband took the riding lessons, and bought a bike. As soon as he got his license he decided to go for a ride, He got on the bike, rode about 1/4 block and got hit by a car. He was laid up for almost a year. She sold the bike.

Think about what you are doing and be sure you want to risk all that is at stake before you move ahead. Is it worth it?

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by RiversideGuy

She is very upset but I haven't purchased the bike YET. I'm just taking classes learning how to ride. I will talk to her in a couple of days but she's not trying to talk to me at all right now.

So she wrote you an email, however cold, and you've IGNORED IT?!?!

You can tell in your wife's email that she is worried about the ENTIRE family, and you've ignored her????

Honestly, I think that you are being very selfish if you've already started the classes. Your wife isn't thinking at all about "he would find it fun". She's thinking "I wouldn't be able to afford to take care of my husband and children if he gets seriously hurt and can't work" because she made it clear that she's aware of the fact that you're the primary breadwinner.

As others have said: you can save this hobby until your children are grown up. Doing it now, when your children are JUST approaching the tough ages? It is rather irresponsible of you. You really don't seem to be considering your wife or your children at all.

Here's an article to read:
Research Shows 45 Per Cent Of Motorbike Riders Get Injured| Police
It might not be super credible, I don't know, but it's something to think about.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by RiversideGuy

My wide and I have been married 12 years, I'm 38 and my wife and I have two small boys ages 7 & 9 living with us. Recently I told my wife of my desire to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I signed up for a motorcycle class so I can properly learn how to ride. I explain to her that I was thinking of purchasing a motorcycle AFTER taking the class and wanted to know what she thought. Well she disagreed and days later sent me this email...I thought her email was insensitive and downright mean.

(Read below)

Based on motorcycle accident statistics, I have to make it known that I
will not be taking care of you in any capacity if any loss of limbs or
life function occurs as a result of a motorcycle accident. I am not in
agreement for the purchase of a motorcycle by the father of 2 small
children and the major earner of income for the household. Obviously any
loss of limb or function would cause great duress to the household and a
major loss of income. I would strongly urge you to purchase extra life
insurance, disability insurance and nursing home insurance.

So basically, if I'm severely injured she won't care for me and I'll be stuck in a nursing home without my spouse by my side...

What's your take on this?

My take is to ask why she is sending you email. Your communications should be face-to-face if you are living in the same house. This is something to work on.

Is your wife able to support herself and the children in the event something should happen to you? If she has skills, certifications, training--are they current so that she could start working immediately if need be? If not, take the money you would spend on a motorcycle and get her what she needs to be self-supporting. This is a true gift of love. If she is disabled and cannot work, then invest in an insurance policy that would support her and the boys until they are old enough to take care of themselves.

If you would care for your wife should she become disabled through any means, tell her you would and tell her you are disappointed she doesn't feel strongly enough about you to 'move mountains' for you.

When I was married it was my commitment to my husband that I would and did sacrifice for him. He did not feel the same about me and he eventually walked out.

I am not shocked or horrified that you want to ride a motorcycle--if I had better balance I'd want to ride one, too. But I think you have some other priorities that need to be met before you buy one. Nothing wrong with you taking classes, though! I hope this helps.

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by RiversideGuy

I am not in agreement for the purchase of a motorcycle by the father of 2 small
children and the major earner of income for the household.

Maybe you earn more, but she does have a job, right?

[Nobodyandnothing]

Sometimes, we have trouble saying things in person that we must say or we seeth and become angry and bitter. You wife really wanted to let you know what she thought and she did it in the only way she could at the time. Maybe a bit strong but she said what sheneeded to say, like a mama bear protecting her cubs

My husband used another method to express disapproval when my son wanted a motorcycle. Told my son to vome woth him to the funeral home to pick out his casket first.

I think no matter the written wordd yoor wife is telling you she loves you and doesn'twant to lose you.

There are certain non- negotiables in a marriage and you have encountered one here. Your wife is saying she absolutely does not approve of a pleasure activity that puts your life and the welfare of your wife and children at risk. You need to hear that and prioritize.

When I met my husband 27 years ago, he claims I said I would never marry a smoker. My family has a very high incidence of cancer, so I have little patience with people engaging in such a high risk activity. just a personal thing for me. I completely believe I said it; I just don't remember the conversation.

I had no idea that he was a smoker at the time, so I wasn't specifically directing that comment at him. it was more a general conversation we were having very early in getting to know each other, but he told me later he never picked up another cigarette. His priority was to be with me always, and he made a decision that day that his future with me was his priority.

Your wife is telling you that you need to place the future of your family above your pleasure activity. She's saying prioritizing your future and the future of your family must come first here. This is her non-negitiable.

[avlady]

I think it is kind of funny in a scnce, she worries for your safety too. I would do the same thing if my husband wanted a motorcycle, at least you know she doesn't wish death or illness on you!!!

[High Treason]

That letter sounds as though she is more concerned with herself than for you!

I had a similar issue with a girlfriend (living with me, might as well have been a wife). I used to ride a motorcycle before I met her but didn't own one when I met her and for a couple years after we were together. Then I bought a motorcycle and she freaks out. Her concern was actually completely for my safety (it sound from the letter like your wife's may not be), but in any case you just have to put your foot down on some things and tell her this is the way it's going to be and she's going to have to learn to live with it. I know it's hard and may cause some tension, but the only other choice is having her walk all over you once she figures out she can.