Problem with girlfriend's past

Hello everyone

I'll try to keep my story as short as possible and to the point but without overlooking some core details (at least to my opinion), I hope this will not bore you and I appreciate any kinds of thoughts on the matter.

The story goes like this: about 8 months ago a friend of mine introduced me to a good friend of his that was visiting town. He said that she is great and that I should try and "make a move" on her for fun or for something more serious if I would like that. My first response was: "Sounds cool, is she easy?" , to that he replied that "no but if she likes you who knows".
I met his friend and at first nothing really happened, I thought she was very nice and intelligent but I wasn't really interested and not even that attracted to her.
A bit after I started noticing that something was there and shortly after we "hit it off". Since then, I went through the process of falling head over heals in love with this girl (as she did with me) and we've been together and madly in love ever since. This girl is truly remarkable and I really love her from the bottom of my heart (we are already discussing marriage).

In any case, shortly after we fell for each other (about 7 months ago) she one day told me that she has something hard to tell me: she had told me that in the past ( around 5 years before me and her met) she had sex a few times with my friend that introduced us. She said that she was a different person, young and in college. She said that she really doesn't remember any of it and that she had pretty much repressed it. I guess it came to me as a bit of shock, more so because her and this friend were (and still are) truly good buddies and without a hint of sexual tension.

I first of all thanked her for voluntarily telling me this and for her being so honest (she insisted that she didn't want me to hear this by chance from someone else). At first I was a bit upset, not because I thought she was a virgin or anything, we both have our histories and that's fine, but I guess my ego was a bit hurt and I told her (and still believe) that had I known before we met I probably wouldn't have fallen for her (so maybe its good that I didn't because she is the best thing that happened to me). Anyways, at first it wasn't too bad but I've noticed that as the time went by it got worse and worse, like I keep putting images of her and him in my head and it drives me nuts. Moreover, he's my friend and a good guy and i still hang out with him but its a bit of different energy, it gets worse when the 3 of us are together (I will never ask her to not see him because they are good friends and more than that he introduced us so I guess in a way I owe him).

Why does this bother me so much? I've been obsessing over this and I keep running these images in my head, I think I'm also a bit disturbed by the fact that my friend is kind of a player and treats women like ****. My girlfriend told me that after it happened back then she was kind of kicking herself for letting him treat her like ****, then she also added: "if it wouldn't have happened me and him wouldn't have been friends and I would have never met you" - a thing that is probably true .
I think over a course of a year they had sex maybe 4 or 5 times and I know they were both really drunk so I can't imagine it was too hot or kinky, she also told me that but I'm not sure if she's just trying to make me feel better.

I am not jealous of her in the sense that I think she has any attraction to him or any other guy for that matter, I trust her completely and I know she loves me like crazy...... I guess they were just buddies who got drunk a few times and ended up in bed, regardless, it is driving me bonkers.

Does anyone have any advice? don't tell me to dump her because I really don't think that something like this should be a reason for me to dump the love of my life. Am I just over reacting or am I just being insecure about something else? I have spoken with my therapist over this and I have realized that its stupid of me to obsess this way, still, I can't get these images out of my head.
Help me please.
thanks y'all

You are on the right track. Since you are able to realize that you would not have met her (and she is the best thing that has ever happened to you) had she not been his friend, and you are able to make that connection and feel thankful to the friend for the introduction, you appear fine. The obsessive fantasies will probably leave your mind sooner if you do not try to stop them but go with the flow. Do not try to get those images out of your head as it would likely exacerbate rather than help matters.

That you realize that she did not just appear in your life out of nowhere but came through the friend is really great. That she realizes it is also great.

The only slightly inconsistent thing in your account is that you yourself asked the friend if she was an "easy" girl but then went on to accuse the friend of being a "player" and treating women like ****. It does not compute. Plus, why is sleeping with a friend bad treatment of the friend? Look, he introduced her to you as a woman who is "great" (quoting OP) - how did that amount to his treating her like ****??

I wish you luck and applaud you for thanking her for the disclosure. She also appears really smart and thoughtful in that she realized that telling you face-to-face was better than waiting until you find out from third parties.

That you are thankful for the fact that she delayed the disclosure since otherwise you would not have fallen for her, and are appreciative, is also great.

It might help if you ask her to actually remember the details of the encounters if she can (she might not be able to, since she was drunk, might have repressed the memory, etc.). If you know exactly what happened, you might stop imagining things that could have happened. Imagination can be very powerful and fantasies can run wild, whereas in reality (as you aptly pointed out) it was probably really mediocre sex between drunk buddies. Nothing to write home about.

PS

If she is not forthcoming with a detailed account, just use your logical mind (you appear to have already started doing that, so I am just continuing your thought process in writing):

- is there current sexual tension between them?

NO.

- did it happen many times?

NO.

- did it stop a long time ago?

YES.

So there was probably no there there - nothing worthy of note. Hence they stopped.

Bobby - what happened in those 8 months that changed your set of mind so drastically?

8 months ago, you were TRUSTING your friend's opinion on whether the girl was EASY. Moreover, you inquired on your own - he did not volunteer information.

And now you say that he treated her like **** by sleeping with her from time to time. But when you asked about whether she was easy, you were, kind of, also thinking of potentially sleeping with her (unless the meaning of the word combination "an easy girl" is hidden from me). So, it seems that when she has sex with you, it is a good thing, but when she had sex with him, it was, kind of, a bad thing. At least for her. Because you call him a player. But when you asked if she was easy, weren't you considering being what you now call a player at least a bit? It seems that you are applying a different standard to your friend now that you are with this girl. It seems that had you known back then about their sleeping together, you would have just accepted it a a neutral bit of information, without calling him a player. So something has happened that has led you to change your attitude. I wonder what it was.

If your gf had been with anyone, but this friend of yours, would you still have these thoughts going through your head?

I don't know what I'd do, if someone was having such obsessive images of me together with my exh. I think things would be destroyed. I am a divorced woman, had kids with that man, it's part of my past.
People these, days, many come with their own pasts.

Are you worried that there's more to the story than the 4 to 5 times, in one year story? I don't know, that's such a small number, when considering the reality of the numbers game with divorced individuals.

When, as adults, we get involved with a new person. It's a matter of accepting, yes, there was a past. It's over now. I don't want my past destroying a chance, at love, anymore than they do.

Are you worried, there's feelings still there, between her and your friend??? As in, why are they still friends now, type of thinking??

If I might add just a couple of things.

Something you might be doing is comparing yourself to him. In my case I tend to do it almost consciously in relation to my wife's ex-boyfriends. Other people tend to do it more unconsciously. If this is the case, consciously try to address these feelings or thoughts and remind yourself that the past doesn't exist anymore. Only the present matters.

The second and more pressing issue may be the matter of the past encroaching on the present (which is my problem). You didn't say if that person from the past keeps contacting her. That can really exast ... exaserb ... aggravate the situation. On a personal note, I don't contact wives/girlfriends of my friends out of respect for them ... whether or not I'm friends with their loved ones. Even if there is nothing going on, it can really, really give that image.

So yeah, that's just my opinion. Try to avoid comparing yourself to others if that's happening. Best Wishes.

Long story short, I was in a comparable situation years ago. When I first met my future wife when she began working in our office, she was initially struck by a guy in the office who was a player. She saw him for about 4-6 months when the relationship fell apart. She and I were friends who often went to lunch, and I had to listen to lots of crap about this dude on our lunch dates. Our relationship grew, and with the firm base of friendship, eventually progressed to marriage. We have been married for 24 years this coming October and happily so.

My advice would be to put this crap out of your head, and that's all it is. Count yourself lucky that this girl cares enough about you to be honest about her past, and let your relationship develop in a healthy way. You will both benefit from a little understanding.

Dude, I'm friends with my BF's ex-girlfriend. I can talk to her and even imagine them doing it and it doesn't bother me. :/ It's not that big of a deal, really.

I can speak from the girlfriend perspective... because I have friends that I had slept with in the past that I was still friends with on a regular basis when me and my BF got together. At first my BF said it didn't bother him but clearly it did because ever time we got into an argument it some how was brought up. The difference in my situation was that my BF was not friends with these guys just me... I did end up learning the hard way that my "friend" was still interested in me sexually and subsequently I ended the friendship, because my relationship with my BF is much more important to me.... But if you trust your GF and you trust your friend and you don't think that there is a possibility that either of them is still interested in one another then I think that you are the one that has the problem... You have to realize that if it meant nothing to your GF than it should mean nothing to you as well. At least they didn't have an emotional relationship where they were inlove with one another.. Drunk sex happens and it doesn't mean that there is any chemistry or even attraction for one another. So I hope that you are able to erase some negative images from your mind.... Just remember that she loves you
Good luck

Sounds like you really can't get this out of your head. You sound like me awhile back. Talked to my T, she advised me to go ahead and allow myself to think about it all I wanted. Once I had that kind of permission mindset, I still had some obsession but realized I thought about it less and less over time. Yeah, it did bug me that these were intrusive thoughts, but once I quit fighting them when I found them in my head, I didn't beat myself up emotionally, I just noticed it and continued on with my day (although it really bugged me). It took me a long time to stop obsessing, but it's possible.

You could also try and manipulate the obsession, every time you think about her with him and catch yourself, replace him with you. Focus on her, keep that focus on her and good things.

Hope this helps and good luck to all three of you.

Hiya! Firstly its completely understandable that you feel like you do! I would be exactly the same if it was my boyfriend telling me this. But what you have to remember is the past is the past. She like you said is in love with YOU not that guy, you're her everything, remember that. I and many others i'm sure have made mistakes in the past and would hate for them to haunt them and ruin their futures, the same with your girlfriend she was a different person then. I know its very, very hard to just forget about this especially as you see them together when you're with them both but every time you get these images in your head just say to yourself 'no, shes with me, not him, we're talking about marriage, shes in love with ME, i have nothing to worry about, everything is ok' and eventually the images will go and everything will be fine! I hope your both really happy together! Good luck x

I went through the same thing with my partner. Her previous relationship with her bf of 4 years had been an open one and she'd been seeing other people in addition to him. They broke up and then when we got together became monogamous. But it drove me nuts thinking of her as having all this experience (that's what it was for me), that all these other people had seen her naked, had sex with her, and also that she had so much more experience than me and I've always considered myself as being fairly experienced sexually.
Things don't make sense sometimes. I think you're gonna be okay, honestly. I can't remember at what point this problem stopped mattering to me but it did. It literally just went away overnight, and I don't think I can stress enough how bent out of shape I was about this, and paranoid that I wouldn't be able to come to terms with it, wouldn't be able to get over it and that my inability to do so would end our relationship. But now it's fine. I rarely think about it at all, when I do it's in passing, and the odd time I have a tug of anything similar to what I used to feel it generally goes away in a few minutes.
So. Just keep on with what you're doing. You realize the rationality in this situation. That's the most important thing. Just keep pursuing it and eventually you'll get through it. It might take some time but you'll get through it. Here are the things I had to do:
- be honest about things that bother you. If you're having a really hard time, just tell her, but be up front that they are your feelings and not hers. Sometimes I have to clarify: I'm not mad at you. I'm having feelings about this situation that's happening that I have no control over.
- look at your stuff. Is it abandonment stuff? Is it pride or ego? Is it care and concern? Possessiveness? Underneath every discomfort in life is a wound, and our wounds are usually not pretty to us. I feel like the more willing we are to look at them for what we are the better the chances are that we'll be able to heal them.
- actually do something about your stuff. For example, what you've done by posting this thread is a big step. You want to get through it, and by posting you are admitting that you don't really know how and asking for others' experiences and opinions. If it's something really deep - like abandonment - it might need some extra steps. If it's envy or jealousy, same thing, because those can be killers in relationships, especially if we are unable to acknowledge that they are just feelings and that the other person is not CAUSING US to be jealous or envious.

Just my two cents. Hope everything works out for you guys. Sounds like you've got something worth fighting for.

Hey there Mr. Hamster

firs of all, thank you for the reply, it really helps to read the things you wrote. I guess inside I also believe that within time the obsessive thoughts will pass (hopefully). It's interesting what you wrote about not trying to fight the thoughts because I read recently an article about a way to rid ourselves of obsessive thinking; the article basically said that we do not produce thoughts, its our mind that does (for example, you don't know what you will be thinking about in 10 minutes) so what it suggests is not to try and fight the thoughts but to try practice not paying attention to them , eventually making them go away.
Regarding him treating her like ****, I don't think he did it in a real awful way, more like she wanted more attention from him and after they had sex and he kind of ignored her every time, in any case, you have a point there about me asking him if she's easy etc. (I'm not sure why I even mentioned that part, maybe just to clarify that she's not a skank) I know now days this friend has tremendous respect for her.
Also, I did ask her about some details (not sure why) but like you said, she was drunk , it was 5 years ago and she swears she can barely remember that it happened so let alone details....she also assured me that it wasn't good or inky so I guess that helps too.

Thanks again for the support, I really appreciate it

Very true, another good way to put it in to thought
thanks again

My friend, I know exactly what you are talking about. I went through the same thing with an ex and I'm going through the same thing with my current girlfriend. To people like us, love comes with jealousy. I have a feeling that if she would have told you about this before you guys fell in love with each other, it wouldn't be nearly as bad. That's the conclusion I drew from my own experience. The best thing would have been to leave it in the past.
But you know about it now. I had the same experience and it still haunts me. I can see my girlfriend and other guys messing around and it really messes with my head sometimes. Recently, I've been working very hard on it. The thing to do is just talk to your girlfriend, or someone else about it (this forum is a great start). I know it may not help to say this, but the past is the past. It was before she knew you. Everything in this world happens for a reason. It may have even led to you two meeting in the first place, as crazy as that sounds. Send me a PM if you ever need to because I can truly relate to this experience. You're not alone.

good to hear that it passes over time, I also like the the idea of manipulating the obsession, thanks for writing :-)

Thanks a lot , it you make a good point and I will think about the points you've mentioned every time it is needed

Thanks man, nice to hear that I'm not alone....yeah, you're right about the destiny part, if it wouldn't have happened I would've never met her, in the same regard I also remind you (and myself) to keep in mind than anything she did made her the person she is now.
Good luck bro, everything will be good

Not worried at all at them getting involved and I'm not bothered by them being friends.... You're right, it is a small number and yes every comes with a past (me included).... I've been better about leaving the past lately, you are right that something from the past should not ruin a chance for happiness in the present. Thank you

I'm not quite understanding the issue. Maybe because I am not the romantic type, or maybe it is because I am too logical for my own good. What I don't understand specifically is that you asked if she was an "easy girl", and yet, claimed your friend acted like a player. Which... seems a bit hypocritical.

If this happened so long ago, and you know that your relationship with you girlfriend is strong and honest (considering she told you this in confidence gives me the feeling that the relationship does have safe communication), why is it something you're obsessing over? I think it would be healthier to put that thinking into good use by TALKING to your girlfriend, and not at all shaming her for what she did (because it isn't shameful) but that you're glad she trusts you enough to come to you with such information. And then be open about the topic.

First of all thank you for writing, secondly, you don't know how good it is to hear that this can pass overnight , It has been generally much better foe me lately and I guess more so after posting this and getting so much support from nice people but I still have my moments of weakness where I begin tripping again.... I really think you are right about this being more than just the story itself, I have no doubt that subconsciously my ego plays a role in the equation, I can imagine that insecurities also play a role, love is a scary thing I suppose ..... I have been very lucky in the sense of being able to discuss it with my GF, she's been really mature and understanding about it.
Anyway, thanks again for the support, it's encouraging to hear that these kind of obsessive BS can just fade away , after all, this is not worth giving up the love of my life

Good Luck, i relate to you as that has happened to me in high school. i am not with that person anymore, but i wasn't ready for a relationship back then. Now you are old enough to understand the whole situation, and seem to being good at looking at the situation as you posted here which is a great step in your relationship. I hope everything works out for both of you and as long as you both are truthful, there should be no problem you can't handle together.

very true.

Also, since you have a logical mind fine, think of what the chances are of finding a person who does not have any kind of a "past" - they are slim. And if you find such a person, you may then catch yourself being obsessed over the exact opposite thing: "Why has she had no "past"? Is something wrong with her perhaps?" Because normally as people go through life they accumulate partners, attractions, etc. It is normal - unless you go to Saudi Arabia of course...

A person who is attractive to YOU might very well be attractive to others, as well.

U are right again hamster, I know if it wasn't this it would be something else and as I've said, had it not happened we probably would have never met... I still can't understand why I'm so bothered, might be that I keep seeing this guy or might just be that it spun into something that is blown out of proportion in my head , it really makes no sense :-(

Keep talking about it... I think that'll help. Especially to your GF. Seems you two have great communication skills with each other... be wary of slack creeping in, though.
I'd consider, were I in your shoes, doing more things w/my partner to create new images to flood my mind.
You got this... recognizing your rumination is a biggie.
Question, though: Have you ever discussed the situation with your buddy... who made the intro? Could your discomfort lie in that arena, maybe? Just a thought.