How To Talk?

I went to see a new therapist today, or a counsellor I should say. We have 6 sessions together, in which I am supposed to tell her my whole life story and why my Mother's death is affecting me so much - and leave those sessions feeling better.

So one of the things that came up today is that I am rubbish at showing my "weakness" and by weakness I mean, by crying or getting upset, or getting angry. Showing emotion in any form actually. Why am I rubbish at it, she asks? Because I am terrified of being vulnerable to attack.

This is where I am stuck. I KNOW that with my partner, I am not vulnerable to attack. He will not laugh, call me silly, get angry, or tell me to stop crying. He will simply cuddle me and ask me what is wrong. But my head tells me that actually, inside he will be angry and cursing me, thinking that he wishes I would just grow up and shut up.. Yep, that's what has been (literally) drummed into me.
I know that my counsellor isn't about to do any of that either, she will also ask me what has caused me to cry, hand me a tissue and listen to me blub it out. Exactly the same with my friends. So why am I so afraid?
I think it's hearing myself say why I feel rubbish, being afraid of not being able to stop the pain or the tears, hearing myself say all the bad stuff that I don't want to accept or admit has ever happened to me.

I don't want to accept that my Mother is dead. When I think about it, or hear myself say it, my voice breaks, I get a lump in my throat and if I am at home alone, I sob for hours. I miss my Mum, I talk to her every night and tell her so. I tell her how much I love her and I tell her I need her with me tomorrow for whatever difficult thing I may be facing next. I am still not accepting that she is dead.

Writing anything is easy for me, it doesn't mean that I accept what I am writing. Even reading it over, I feel as though it is somebody else's life I am reading about. But saying it out loud, it sinks in and I hear myself say "............. happened to... ME" I HAVE to accept it then, and 2 out of 3 times I do.

I just simply cannot wrap my head around this, and it is getting me so stressed out and frustrated because I do NOT want to hold back this time, I don't want to force myself not to cry when I NEED to, I don't want to laugh and smile when I say something difficult, or just pick at my nails. I don't want to pretend that everything is OK and that I am happy with my life the way that it is. I don't want to pretend that it is life and that I don't care and will just carry on as normal. Because THAT IS NOT HOW I FEEL INSIDE!!!

Please tell me I am not the only one who feels like this. How can I stop myself from all of this? How can I just let it all out? Do I have to plan it, or just dive in without thinking and do it, hoping for the best? I am scared, it is scary, it is absolutely 100% terrifying for me even thinking of releasing all this stuff, but I NEED to. I simply cannot hold onto it any longer It is killing me.

Sorry about the loss of your mum, I appreciate how difficult, it truly is, mine passed over a little over 3 years ago. I also, have a hard time talking about it, releasing feelings, etc.

One thing, about vulnerability, is, it IS very scary, indeed! I'm learning, as I navigate a new relationship. Just had a vulnerable moment, yesterday. I'll explain, that using that word, Hun, I am feeling vulnerable, this is what I fear...(insert your fear, highlighted above). Deep down, I know you wouldn't do this, but 'I am trying to get to the root of this fear in therapy'(or in my case, gave specific reasons for those fears, which were based on life experiences from my past.) And to alleviate this feeling, these needs weren't met there, and this is what I need. (it was really, a very simple need for myself, but the vulnerability from past hurts was at first mystifying. The feelings were fear).

In opening up, like that, to your partner, who you seem to hint at as being respectful and compassionate, you may discover a deeper trust and understanding. And your partner, may express feeling closer to you, for just being honest.



Not sure, where you get these fears that you have. Sound like some pretty heavy 'tapes' being replayed in your head. Was someone, in your past dismissive of your emotions, childhood/adolescence?

You don't have to have a complete break down, to feel, your emotions. Can always let them out, in spurts. There's no wrong or right way to grieve.

Healingme4me,

I am so sorry to hear that you have been through this too. It is probably one of the most painful experiences we as human beings will ever experience in terms of emotions.

You are almost right about my fears. It was from having my emotions laughed at and belittled. In fact, I was beaten to the point of broken ribs and within an inch of my life, because I screamed and cried when I fell off a bunk bed with already bruised ribs. So having people call me stupid, weak, silly etc for showing emotion, has stuck with me and now that gives me fear.

It's funny, I hadn't actually read all of this until after I got off the phone to my partner. I sent him a text saying I'd had a really rubbish day and felt awful, so he called me. I blubbed down the phone about my frustrations and such and I explained to him why I have these fears. He understands and has said that we will talk about the difficult stuff at the weekend because he wants me to, and because he knows that I need to. He said that maybe just one good experience of releasing stuff, will encourage me to do it more and will make me feel safer about it. I love him even more for that. He is very respectful and compassionate, he is much like me which is scary in a way because I have never met anybody who has a similar attitude to me, let alone so similar. But it is very helpful because it enables me to trust him more than I have anybody ever.
And yes, it is like tapes playing in my head - good analogy.

I know there's no wrong or right way to grieve, I guess I am just afraid that I will start crying and never stop because of how much I have blocked out these emotions and just held onto them, letting them build up more and more.

It is going to be scary but I have to at least try, right?