My boyfriend has anger problems

I've been living with my boyfriend for 2 years and I love him a lot. But he has aggressive outbursts that can be quite frightening. A week ago today we were coming home from the bar and were both drunk. I was feeling like I had to much to drink so I attempted to go to sleep. He ended up going into a rage and punching me in the *** at full force 5 or 6 times, and slapping me across the face. This is the most violent he has ever been towards me, although there has been other times. I have been shoved and spit on, and once got a fat lip from him shoving me to the ground...He is extremely apologetic and feels very guilty. And he is not like this towards me on a day to day basis, which makes it easy to sweep it under the rug and try to forget it ever happened... I am still very much inlove with him, but i feel like i can't just keep forgiving him, when has the line been crossed ? what should i do?

The line has been crossed.

Get out now. It will only get worse.
Gayle

I agree with the other posters. Your BF is 100% abusing you and you need to cut ties with him completely and never go back. Most abusers are remorseful but still do it again. People like this rarely change, so don't fall for giving him another chance. If you had a sister and saw her being punched full force when she was sleeping ....what would you tell her? You could be perfect and there will always be a reason for him to blow up again. Cut off all communication and get a restraining order if necessary....you deserve a safe and respectful relationship

as odee said, the line has been crossed the moment he laid a hand on you. I know you love him, but you have to love yourself more. call advocates to end domestic violence in your area so you can learn about the cycle of abuse. educate yourself. the guilt and remorse he feels is common and his being nice to you after ward is referred to as the honeymoon period. there is a definite pattern to abuse you should educate yourself on so you can make smart choices. you don't want to be a victim. ask about the statistics...I don't know them offhand, but I know they are high..if a man has hit a woman, he is likely to repeat that behavior. do you want to continue being hit? do you deserve that? would someone that loves you do that to you? would you allow someone you love do that to you? do you love yourself enough to protect yourself? educate yourself so you know what you are getting into...take care...

You're very wise... please use that to get out now. You already know that what he is doing is unacceptable, and please don't stay any longer because it'll get worse and harder to leave.
I know you love him, but sometimes - and this is one of those times - love isn't enough. He's not showing you a healthy love either, he'd never lay a finger on you otherwise. Even if he wanted/could change his behaviour (which is rare) he shouldn't be in a relationship until he can be trusted and should be seeking professional help. It could take years.
Please, please look after yourself. Make yourself number one, nobody deserves to be living like this. Am so sorry, it's a hard situation to be in. Have you friends you can talk to, family? Talk to them, let them help you.

Hugs.

I agree with all of the other posters. Please get out. He is out of control and it is NOT your fault he does this. It is HIS. Please call the domestic violence hotline.. The number should bein your phonebook or google it.


Just googled it..if you are in the United States, it is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Safety Plan

http://treatment.psychologytoday.com...ineau&spec=181

call the center below for information/location of safehouses for domestic violence victims

Centre for Treatment of Sexual Abuse and Childhood Trauma Treatment Facility

“The Centre for Treatment of Sexual Abuse and Childhood Trauma is a registered charity, whose therapists provide individual, family and couples therapy for individuals who have been sexually abused or otherwise traumatized or negatively affected by life experiences.

(613) 233-4929
Office is near:
Gatineau, Quebec
J8Y 3W9

Please leave him ASAP. You deserve better. He will never change. Stop loving him. Love yourself more. Go now. Call a hotline for help in making this move.

Honestly, I think some people in this thread are overreacting.

It's not clear the actual severity and frequency of the problem. You describe one recent time when he punched and slapped you and then say there have been other times when it was far less severe. How many other times? I mean if this is something that happens once a week then I would agree with the other posters that he is just unstable and you should leave him. On the other hand if it's once or twice a year and usually not nearly as bad as the one time you described and the relationship is otherwise good, it's probably something that he can learn to fix. Maybe through some anger management therapy or his own force of will. Ultimately it's your choice, though. If you feel you need to leave then leave.

Thank you all for the support... I really appreciate having an outlet to vent to. We had a talk last night about him taking anger management classes, at first he was defensive, but he did agree that it would be beneficial for him. I'm not ready to leave him, but i do agree that i should do my research and find out more about domestic violence, and safe houses in my area. I don't think he is a monster, but i also know that I can't just sweep it under the rug this time. I know he has struggled alot in his life and I feel like he might suffer slightly from PTSD, but I'm not a therapist and i don't know. The thing is neither of us really have many close people in our lives that we can go to for help and advice other than each other. Which has sometimes made us stronger but in other times makes me feel alone.... hence why I'm online venting to you guys. So I thank you all for listening, it means a lot to me

That's great news that he has admitted that he could use some help. There are so many people who just refuse to admit their problems or accept help. The fact that he admits it and agrees that it would be beneficial is a great sign. I wish you and him the best.

Get away NOW!!!!

Unfortunately people who abuse others will be remorseful, show hope in getting help but then fall back to abusing again. There's typically a honeymoon phase, where they admit full fault, then are super nice. Often they might be sincere but just can't control themselves. The victim believes every word and falls deeper in love. They have endless hope, that eventually will dwindle while the self esteem crumbles. Hitting full force 6 times on the head could seriously cause brain damage or worse.

I don't see any overreactions on this thread. IMO, abusers do not get better through "force of will". They get WORSE.

If there was anything fixable he would have already tried to fix it. Two years... that's a long time. You're fooling yourself. You're going to do what you were going to do anyway but if it helps to post here then so be it.

I would've left him at being spat at stage, let alone anything else. No respect and you deserve so much more.
Zeddy, please think very carefully about this. I know it seems wonderful that he has agreed to get help. But what do you do in the meantime? What happens if he has a really bad day and takes it out on you again? What happens if therapy makes him face stuff he doesn't want to and then he takes it out on you - the person making him go? How long do you give him to 'change'? I was quite serious when I said it can take a long time - and sadly, he may never improve, despite the promises and help. Can I ask, what happens when he loses his temper with other people - does he hit or spit on them too, or are you the only person he shows this too? It may be the answer to if it is an anger problem or not...

So how long do you take more beatings for? It's like a carrot dangling, you may get in the habit of thinking that its ok for another beating because he is in therapy and he promised to get help to change. If you are intent to stay, please promise yourself to get out the very next time it happens, and as you say, no more sweeping it under the rug.

Also, I know you have no support network but please don't let that be the reason to stay. Am glad you're going to do some research on places to go, at least if need to go you can do swiftly. He really should not be in a relationship the way he is, he needs to be alone to work through these issues. Until he can control his anger, he is a danger to you, am so so very sorry to say. My ex was hit just once in the head outside a pizza place by a thug and he suffered severe brain damage - and has lost his quality of life completely. It only takes on hit in the wrong place or one thump too many to give you some very serious damage - and then of course is your emotional damage too. Please please please look after yourself.

everyone's advice to leave an abuser is appropriate. 1 in 3 women are physically assaulted in their lifetime. A one-time physical assault can result in death. Abusers are full of rage (they OWn ISSUES) AND rarely change unless they believe they have a problem and get into therapy. Anger management rarely works because the abuser doesn't really believe they have a problem. Every one else has a problem in their minds. The original poster knows this isn't right....She needs to call the domestic violence hotline and/or women's shelter for help in getting out of this violent situation. He "can't learn to fix " himself.

The reactions here are NOT extreme. They are valid. It is not going to get better, and hopefully she will reach out for help to get away before she ends up another murder statistic...

You are in grave danger, I'm really sorry you are unable or unwilling to see the full reality of your situation. You love him sure, but he is not acting like a man who loves you. You deserve love and respect, beating you and spitting on you is treating you like less than a human. Not respect or love.

People treat dogs better.
Think about that last sentence will you...

Abuse is wrong and it gets worst. Don't fall into the abuser's game. Break the ties. The sooner the better.

Hi everyone. Just a reminder to stay on topic, and to keep your responses supportive.

zeddy008, to PC. I'm sorry you're experiencing this problems with your boyfriend. Although I don't have personal experience with this, a family member was married to an alcoholic who had similar outbursts. From what I understand... it did not get better... they are divorced. I would take a good look at what's going on and either take extensive steps to solve hte problem and create a safety plan for you, or probably better to take steps to get AWAY from the situation. Whatever you decide, your safety is the most important, please take care

Zeddy, you would be well advised to see a neurologist to rule out brain damage if he has ever hurt your head badly.