Should I Reach Out?

I started therapy a month and a half ago because of a disastrous relationship that I was in, and how it ended. I have been no contact since July 8th, but feel like I am about to regress.

I was dating this guy who I met online for four months, and at the end of June, he messaged me and told me I would be spending the fourth with him. When I explained I had plans (I hadn't seen my family in a long time), he pressured me into canceling them and said I was supposed to meet his brother and his brother's girlfriend on that day. I canceled my plans, because it seemed very important to him, and we spent the fourth together and had a GREAT time (his brother & the gf couldn't make it because they had an accident). At night, however, he asked me to come home with him and I said I wasn't really feeling it because it was really late, and he got very angry at me. He said that I was "teasing him" because I looked so hot but wasn't coming over. I agreed to see him the next day, and he said he would be cooking for me. Later that next day, though, he calls me and says he's invited his brother and his brother's girlfriend over so they can meet me. We spent a few hours together before they got there (no sex). I told him some jokes that were not entirely PC - but he told me to go ahead and say that in front of his brother because he'd "love me" and that usually he'd have to prep a girl, but I can just be myself and say whatever came to my mind and not to hold back. So, after they got there for dinner, the guy I was seeing went into the kitchen to start cooking and left me alone with these two people to be interrogated by them. When things got awkward, as they often do, I made some of those stupid jokes. After dinner, I helped the guy clean up and we stayed for a while just talking, but then I left, because again, it was getting late. I explained this and he wouldn't take that as an answer, and said we were supposed to have sex. I texted him to thank him for dinner later on and then I didn't hear from him at all on Saturday. On Sunday morning, I apologize for going home so early, and explain that I'll try not to do that as often. He says it's okay, asks what made me change my mind, and I don't hear from him again until after dinner.

On that day, this guy texts me and asks me to call him when I have time at around dinner time. So, I do, and he says: "yeah, so my brother hates you", and says he has another call and hangs up. He then calls me back a few minutes later and says "yeah, so my brother hates you and so does his girlfriend and we shouldn't see each other if the people closest to me can't stand you", and hung up. Less than one minute, so I texted and let him know not to do that over the phone, and then he messaged me on gchat and told me that they said I was raised by wolves, I had no social skills, did not know how to interact, that I didn't come anywhere near his family's standards (I am a college graduate from a top liberal arts college, a former teacher, and current government worker - legislation. The guy I was dating was my age and still in college with no stable job...), and asked him what the hell he was thinking. They complained specifically about the jokes he told me to say to them, as well. I understand that he set me up for this, and I blocked him on every venue (phone, text, chat, etc). After I blocked him on gchat, he texted me and said "hey, my google chat says you're offline?", and I asked him to give me space and blocked him there, too. While I was there, these people made fun of my Catholic religion, called me ignorant because I didn't know the name of a Latin dance and I was Latin, called something ghetto, and looked at me, as though insinuating that's what I was, as well, kept their backs to me and only spoke to each other almost the entire night.

I am not a person that has sex very easily, and I only do that with people that have potential, as I was raised in a very religious household. I am a little taken aback that I didn't realize how chauvinistic and racist this guy and his family were. The awful thing was that I begun to internalize and actually believe everything that this guy and his family had said about me. I know that I don't give any of that off, but I couldn't help but ask myself "what if?" (I deal with people on a daily basis as part of my job and was also a high school teacher with great reviews, so it can't be true).

FYI: *We were sexually active, we just did not have sex the last week of it, because I wasn't in the mood. In June, I was on my period, and he knew when I was on my period, I don't have sex, but he whipped it out anyway....

Anyway, I'm at a point now where I thought I would be ready to date again. I have been exercising more, going out more, and even made an online dating profile again last week. After filling out my profile, this guy comes up as a top match, apparently makes a fake account to read my profile, and then visits my profile from his actual account. I was doing very well, and had made a lot of progress in the last 2 months, but after all of this, I'm beginning to forget all of the awful stuff and just have a desire to reach out again, to talk again, and see what's happening. I have since disabled my profile, as I know that if I have this desire, I am not entirely healed, and therefore not ready.

Is there any way to make my desire to contact this guy go away? I've been regressing for the past week, and everyday my desire to talk to him gets stronger... and I don't want that. It's been almost two months, and he clearly still has some hold over me. I thought I was getting better, but I am still angry about what he said, and simply confused as to why anyone would ever treat me that way. A part of me also wonders - what would happen if I just message to say hello?

I'm really just looking for some guidance...

This behavior is very immature.... I would avoid meeting up with him at all. I totally get that you may still have a crush on him, but you only dated a short time. I think you should try to meet other guys so that you'll forget about him quickly.

I think if you're talking to other guys... or maybe everyone here on the forum, you'll quickly come to your senses.... I totally get it, it's an emotional response... I'm an emotional person too, but clearly your rational side is saying no... so listen to what your gut is telling you!

Anyone who let's his brother determine if a girl is his match isn't boyfriend or husband material in the first place!

I am appalled reading this.

"they said I was raised by wolves, I had no social skills, did not know how to interact, that I didn't come anywhere near his family's standards"

So, a good rule to go by for the rest of your life:

People who TRULY have high standards would NEVER say that another person is not anywhere near their standards.

People who TRULY have good social skills would NEVER tell you that their brothers hate you and cannot stand you.

People who have TRULY good manners would not break up over the phone the way he did.

People who are TRULY mature decide whom to date by themselves without obtaining advice from their brothers and their brothers' girlfriends.

People who have TRULY good manners would not leave out a guest by speaking betwixt each other during a gathering.

People who are TRULY "well-bred" are never racists.

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None of this is remotely connected with sex.

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All of this is entirely obvious and should have been obvious to you.

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So the question is how it was not obvious to you.

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Do not contact him - he failed miserably and failed spectacularly, and you have absolutely no reason to reach out to him.

Be happy that he demonstrated his true colors so early in the relationship, so you did not waste much time.

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I am a little unsure about whether your therapist is a good fit for you. Did you tell the story to the therapist? This is because I did not even address EVERY spectacular failure of his guy - what with his telling you that you were SUPPOSED to have sex whereas he should have thanked you for helping to clean up after dinner, and many more - it would take one an hour and a half to write down every spectacular faux pas the guy committed. So I am wondering why you posted even though you are in therapy - I am wondering how the therapist did not mention any of those obvious things to you.

Or did you not tell the therapist everything in as great a level of detail as in the OP?

Just wondering. But do not contact the guy ever - that is for sure!!!

I told my therapist absolutely everything I have written here, and I went into even further detail. The only thing that she told me was that I, personally, had settled. I'm not quite sure she understood it, and I've started to realize recently that we are most likely not a good match... so, in short, that is why I have posted here.

Thank you so much for the post - having it broken down like that really helps! And, I'm not sure how it was not obvious to me... he had started treating me poorly the week right before all of this happened, and I tried to leave, but he wouldn't accept it.

Thanks for clarifying the situation with the therapist. I would suggest looking for a better match, indeed...

...that it was not obvious to YOU can be explained - of course it is hard to see things when they are happening to YOU, while they are happening to YOU, while you are in the middle of it... really hard.

...that it was not obvious to the therapist who was not part of it, was sitting in her cozy office listening to you and not being affected by it emotionally because she was an outsider... that cannot be explained. Does she... know her multiplication table, I wonder?..

I would be exactly like the person the OP mentioned if I ever got a girlfriend.

I don't think it's a crush, as much as its an inherent desire to receive an apology, which I know is never coming. I guess, on some level, I believe that an apology would help me forget about it, but I also know that closure comes from within. I just never had anybody treat me that way before, and that's where the desire to reach out comes from.

At least you have the ability to see that. That's really mature and big of you, since noticing is the first step to self-correction. You know that you're capable of it... I don't think the guy I was with knew he was capable, or even realized how awfully he behaved.

Sorry, I guess I was confused, since in the first post, you wrote "All of this is entirely obvious and should have been obvious to you." I'm not sure that my therapist "knows her multiplication table". She is very young and pretty new to the profession. One of her responses to the (even longer) version of this story was: "What if you just had a really bad day and actually gave a terrible impression?"

I would get involved in something else rather than the dating and relationship arena. It's not just this guy but that you are doubting yourself? I would work on my self esteem and find a work or other project to get involved in, meet some new, actual, "real" people and revisit dating after he's long gone from your mental and online environment.