Does she not know how to be friends...

I broke up with my girlfriend months ago. We still live in the same apartment out of mutual convenience. I want to be friends with her. She still insists on doing my laundry and other things around the house. She always tries to make me feel like I'm a bad person for going out with other girls. Just tonight I was talking to a girl I like on the phone and she suddenly yells "NO!" I asked her why she did that and she said so that the girl would hear it. I still really care for her and she is a great person, but we are just not good as a couple, you know? Actually there are a few issues that she just refuses to address which is why I broke up with her. I wish she would accept that we are just friends now.

It is hard for a lot of people being friends with an ex, especially when you are living in the same house. The only thing I can suggest is to sit down with her and sort out mutual boundaries about who does what, what you are going to share etc. That gives a starting point for being able to live together and work on this new friend relationship.

Just from your brief description of your predicament, it appears that your roommate/ex is still holding out hope that you two can resume your romantic relationship. I honestly believe the kindest action you can take at this point is to find a new place to live away from this woman.

You state you cohabit out of "mutual convenience" but don't mention what benefits she receives from your living arrangement. You do, however, admit that she performs domestic chores on your behalf. This sort of behavior suggests that she is clinging to the role of significant other, rather than friend, in any way she can.

How many of your platonic friends have done your laundry for you?

It also sounds like you enjoy having someone to tend to your domestic needs while you seek out a new girlfriend. This is not fair to the woman "taking care" of you right now. Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you are probably taking advantage of your roommate's false hopes for a future together. A true friend doesn't take advantage of your hopes, however misplaced they may be.

Time for a plan to no longer co-habitate with her. That was most disrespectful to you, while you were on the phone. Is she getting paid to do your laundry? A portion knocked off the cost of one of the bills?

Sabotaging your phone calls, is just a step in a not so good direction for her emotional state of mind.

Why can't she accept being friends? Dunno. Same reason why some people don't emotionally divorce, like my exh?

You need to stop living with her. This situation just isn't going to work.

It sounds like you are both not ready to move on. Have you planned ahead to when you want to bring another girl "home" and how that will look to the other girl; we other girls are not going to like having a woman/ex-girlfriend as your roommate or believe "nothing" is going on! Friend with benefits, even if only laundry doing, is not breaking up, it's just using the other person (she you, you her). Someone or both need to go.

I agree with Cheshire, you are taking advantage of your former ex by staying in the apartment. She is still hoping that things will work out for the two of you. Deep down, you know this. She yells out while you're on the phone with another girl because it's killing her you're not trying to work things out with her. Be kind and move out.

Healingme4me: You asked "Why can't she accept being friends?" May I answer that? Because she loves him. Love doesn't disappear just because you try to put it aside; because you have had problems; because the other person doesn't return your love back. I know this feeling very well. It's heart-wrenching.

I guess I watch too much "Judge Judy" and "Cops" but I think who moves out/stays will depend on who is on the lease and how that is handled. That sounds like a good discussion to have, planning the future apart, to help with staying friends if both want to.

By "out of mutual convenience" I mean she doesn't want to have to move back in with her father and neither of us really want to pay for a whole apartment ourselves. And no, I'm not taking advantage of her. I do most of the shopping and pretty much anything else that has to be done outside the apartment since she hates leaving the apartment. We both do the cooking. Also, we get along great.

I wish that she wanted to work it out and get back together... but she clearly doesn't really or she would agree to work on the issues that she knows are the reasons I broke up with her. If she actually wanted me back, it wouldn't be that hard for her to achieve.

Instead she seems to be happy living in a limbo state somewhere in between a relationship and roommates. She knows I am seeing other women but I don't tell her about it specifically because she gets upset. And no I don't take any girls to my place. That would definitely be awkward. If I want to do anything with another woman, it's usually her place or a motel (or often a DVD Room).

I was just repeating HT's question back, at him, to answer it, the way I did.

Hence, my suggestion about looking for a new living arrangement, since her emotional state is only going to get worse.

But, HT, did say they get along, great, and he wished she'd change and meet his communicated requirements for change, in order to be with him. Though, she clearly doesn't want to change as she watches the man, she either feels she is in love with or thought she was in love with, make phone calls, go on dates, go to hotels and 'dvd rooms' with other women.

Hmmm, knowing, that about a former lover, would I ever want to embrace the idea of getting back together? Dunno. The thought of all the other women, he's touched, while in 'limbo' of being apart, while living together, would get under my skin. Don't know, if I'd ever want to be intimate again, though some people forgive and look past that, I'd just personally wonder.

[quote=High Treason;3268265]

I wish that she wanted to work it out and get back together... but she clearly doesn't really or she would agree to work on the issues that she knows are the reasons I broke up with her. If she actually wanted me back, it wouldn't be that hard for her to achieve.

[quote]

I take it she works? Brings, in some type of income? Because, shipping her back to her family, if she isn't actually financially contributing sounds better than seemingly tormenting the woman over the inadequacies she must have brought forward that prompted you to break up with her.

You broke up with her, that's probably why she doesn't know how to be friends with you, just friends.

I say, it's high time, she learned to become an independent woman! That's what I say! Why, doesn't she know, how to survive on her own, not dependent on you and not dependent on dear ole daddy?

HT, isn't this the same women you were posting about way back when you were with other women and were telling her about it, when you were with her?

If so, this woman certainly seemed to have some serious issues then by her lack of response and it would seem she and you have been in some state of limbo forever. She doesn't seem to move in any direction, not sure if you really are either aside from breaking it off sort of. If it is the same woman, her sudden reaction to other women is interesting.

But perhaps you could find a different roomate as could she because it seems like the lack of moving on from limbo between you both isn't happening... then or now. Seems not to much has changed depite a breakup or sorts. Sounds like you maybe have not really moved on either. Moving out might be the only way to actually move on in this situation perhaps without a tight friendship if moving on is the goal.