Husband Thinks I'm Fat

And I cannot deny that, yes, I am fat (5'11" and 270, size 18/20). And I have been so throughout our entire marriage. He used to be quite heavy, too, until a couple years ago when he started inexplicably losing weight. It turned out he developed type 2 diabetes and losing weight can be one of the side effects of that diabetes getting out of control. He has since gotten the diabetes under control and has managed to maintain the weight loss, as well.

A few months ago, we had a discussion over our lackluster sex life and the possible causes of such and there are a couple issues, like porn and masturbation, that we discussed, but he also admitted that he finds me less attractive now because of my weight. I have been trying to make some positive changes in this area of my life. I've been tracking everything I eat and was trying to be more active, at least until I badly sprained my ankle a few weeks ago. I've been slowly seeing some weight loss, but nothing dramatic.

And tonight he made a comment that size 20 women shouldn't wear yoga pants. I mentioned that I am a size 20 and asked him if he thought I shouldn't wear yoga pants. I didn't speak to him the rest of the evening. I have spent the last two hours crying in the bathroom. Am I being overly sensitive? I've have spent the majority of my life being overweight, but I've also been pretty active. I ski, swim, kayak, walk, do yoga, zumba - No not 5 days a weeks, but usually a couple times a week.

I had planned on stepping up my efforts to get more fit, but now I feel that if I do lose weight and all of a sudden my husband finds me attractive again that I will resent him. I already do resent him. I don't want him to believe that I'm doing it for him. I'm so angry with him about this. I feel robbed of any motivation I may have had and I feel like my already non-existent self-esteem has taken another beating. I feel like this could end our marriage.

I don't even know how to address this with my husband and try to repair the damage.

He just is shallow. If you love someone then them putting weight on should not matter. Love is about what's on the inside. Of course some men drop a hint but I don't think they mean it in a nasty way. I guess if a woman was really skinny and she went to obese that would be different, but a few pounds here and there should not matter. To be honest, you are at home, wear what you want and don't feel dictated to by anyone !

This is difficult really as i don't intend to advocate poor health but i also believe that people are entitled to live their lives as they see fit.

I guess this depends on what you want really. No one should feel pressured into something they don't really want or can't better achieve without love and support. In all honesty, I can't imagine this situation dying down any time soon. I could of course be wrong but if you're intent on saving your marriage and also want to lose weight for yourself, I feel there is action you can take. It may be worth discussing with him that in order for you to be successful in achieving a healthier lifestyle, he needs to work with you and not against you. If he continues to be thoughtless - almost to the point of cruelty - only you can assess what options are left to you.

Speaking as someone who's been both anorexic and obese throughout their lifetime I may not be best qualified to give advice but here's hoping that through my own experiences I've managed at least to be vaguely helpful.

I truly hope your situation resolves for the best.

If he loves you he will STOP talking to you about losing weight. It has to be something YOU want to do. He needs to be supportive.

This is never okay. Ever.

Please do not feel forced to lose weight and become obsessive about it. That is a good way for an ED to start, and trust me, I am anorexic. And I started because my grandmother called me fat even when I wasn't and I made the mistake of placing my self worth and perfectionism on my body image. And it is sick and horrible.

Your husband is shallow. Which sounds blunt, but it is true. If he is finding issues with your sex life and his only excuse is your weight, then I bet loads of cash that there is something deeper there for him. He wanted respect when he was heavy, which you gave him! Your love didn't change! Nor should his just because he happened to get ill and lose weight.

You owe him nothing physically. You are your own person, married or not. You deserve self preservation and your own sense of self. Your body is YOURS. Not his to police and change.

I am sorry he is being so critical of you. If you are not much heavier than you were when you began the relationship, then he does not have much ground to stand on.

He should not beat down your self esteem. If I was with an overweight woman (I am fat myself0 an I did not like it, I would encourage them in a positive way to lose weight, and give them support.

If this is where you've been throughout your marriage, then you are still the same woman, he chose to ask to marry him.

I don't buy it, for one minute, that this has anything to do with your weight and size. Diabetes, can do things to peoples bodies, I am not sure where it plays a role, in the bedroom, but I'd suggest looking into that.

Was there a negative remark, from you, regarding porn and masturbation, which resulted with an equal, but painfully placed reactionary statement by your husband?? I just wonder.

Did he even realize, that you are a size 20, when he said that about women and yoga pants? Or was it a foot in mouth scenario, with him?

I get what you mean, about not wanting to lose weight and somehow feed his ego and leave him feeling that this is all about him. At that same time, maybe, instead of making this about your intimate relationship, where he's lost weight for better health, he could have raised concern about your own? In a non-judging tone, non critical way.

When you decide, if losing weight, is something that is important to you, for your own health, then be as straightforward with him, as you can and just say, this is about me, not you and not our sex life.

And getting through this discussion with him, and working through the pain you feel, is important, in rebuilding and rekindling intimacy, and perhaps ask him, what he feels it will take, to be with one another in a tender, loving, attracted way. (reflecting on what it will take for you, as well)

he sounds like a ****ing asshole, dump his ***. he should love you no matter what you look like, or how much you weigh. you don't deserve that

You could be right. We had a long "hash-it-out" discussion last night and it seems he didn't really think of me as one of "those" fat girls. I told him that what he said is hurtful - not only to me, but to all women. We had a talk about his perceptions about weight and attractiveness. Usually, he's a pretty smart guy, but sometimes he says the dumbest things.

I am aware that diabetes can affect "performance", too and I suggested he talk to his doctor about it. I'm actually okay with porn and masturbation. I think it can be beneficial to a couple's sex life as long as everyone in the relationship is in agreement. But he has a little bit of a problem with overdoing it. He's actually made the suggestion that he is porn addict. I told him if he wants to regain a meaningful, intimate relationship with me then he needs to cut back if he believes that's the source of his sexual performance issues. So, we've made some progress.