[tacoqueen1993]

Now don't judge me, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I need to go through his phone texts or facebook conversations. He tends to sugar coat things, and tell me what I need to hear even If it means lying to my face, So every now and then I see who he is talking to, and what has been said about me. He told our friend that The whole reason he doesn't talk to a past friends (who has treated us both like crap) is because I won't let him or I will break up with him. When he's told me HE DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO HER, especially if she doesn't apologize, which never has or probably will. He has done things that are just rude (like I said in my previous post... texting someone naked he used to hook up with while in bed naked) I feel a little guilty every time I do It but I need to know whats going on in his head, because half of the time I really don't feel like he's being honest about It. I know his password, and sometimes he acts sketchy. Like I will walk in the room, and he will close the conversation, or window.

I know this kind of behavior Is a tad crazy but I can't help myself. I have had ex boyfriend say horrible things behind my back to other people, or other people saying mean and nasty things and them not sticking up for me. I guess I am sort of blueprinting. It's just so hard for me trust him, and I don't know why. I guess maybe It's thats before and the past he has shown a lot of disregard for how I feel, and I over think things. I would rather know then not know and drive myself crazy? Does anyone else have this problem ? I mean he has never cheated on me that I am aware of, and he has read my msgs to other people, or conversations over my shoulders, and has even read my posts on here. I'm not sure If I should stop doing It and let my suspicion drive me crazy, or keep doing It. URGH

[Travelinglady]

I really don't say that I blame you for going through his posts, since you have reason not to trust him. I think I would do the same thing under the circumstances.

I'm wondering if you need to look hard at this relationship. I don't know that I would want to stay with a guy I couldn't trust to be honest with me. How serious are you two, I'm wondering. Of course, you don't need to respond if you don't want to.

[tacoqueen1993]

we are pretty serious, and I would never want to leave him. We are getting our own apartment together at the end of the month, he wants to marry me and have kids with me someday, we are very close, and our relationship is really intense. we plan on being together for awhile. He has stopped talking to people because It has made me feel uncomfortable, we have had terrible horrible fights but have been able to make up afterwards, I am trying to build trust back into our relationship. I can never just give up

[tinyrabbit]

Going through someone's stuff is a symptom of a problem. It's not a solution. Trust is important - why wouldn't you want to leave him if you don't trust him?

[winter4me]

Getting an apartment together does not sound like a good idea under the current circumstances. You do not trust him, perhaps with reason, but going through another's personal items is not okay. Think of someone doing that to you. You are on shaky ground, and may need to be with yourself, and grounded before this goes further. It sounds as though you are repeating a past pattern that has not been healthy/good.

[Anika.]

Usually when I hear a relationship described as intense, it usually means rocky, rough, rollercoaster, lacking boundaries or generally unhealthy. Going by your other threads about this relationship and this man it seems even you know and have called it toxic.

Sounds like there are so many issues going on that maybe a wiser thing to do would be to take time away from this to work on your own issues and get healthier and then reevaluate and see if this relationship is still something you want to persue or not.

Viewing it as giving up or not giving up is really unhelpful, and kind of black and white thinking for a complex situation. It also is a view that doesn't leave room for making better choices for yourself. Some people would see that statement as strength, I think it can be a statement of fear. Sometimes it's hard to see things clearly or think them through clearly when there is so much involvement and chaos and intense feelings. That can affect our choices big time and our judgment, when otherwise we might make very different ones, or in hindsight.

I agree with Winter4methat getting an appartment together at this time sounds like a bad idea, given the issues from your other threads, it would actually seem scary to make that commintment at this time.

You said you have been with him since spring, thats not that long ...so how much of the time since then has great or fantastic and how much has not? It sounds like from what you have descibed there has been a lot of chaos, drama, hurt feelings, and resentment in such a short amount of time.

I do feel for you, I have been in a relationship that was not healthy and still hard to leave. I do believe the best advice you have gotten here and will get is to leave and focus and work on getting yourself to where you want to be, and then look for a relationship..a healthy one that can support your own health and growth and the other persons as well.

[tacoqueen1993]

I'm not going to disagree that our relationship has been rough and rocky. We have been both dealing with a lot. I have mental health problems, and stability problems. I think going on my own would just make me emotionally breakdown. It makes me cringe even thinking about It. I have come off the streets, and I have been trying very hard not to self destruct. He has been there for me during rough times for me, I have as well been nasty without the intention of hurting him, and I am slowly with time getting better. I really think I should stick it out, and try to support each other things are getting better for us. I am going back to school, he got a job so we no longer need to be stressed out and fight over money (which was a HUGE problem for us) I honestly think we need the time apart, and with him working now, and me being in school we have that rather than being together 24/7 sitting on welfare and fighting over stupid things. I have been working on myself, I have 12 hours a day now to relax, and deal with things in my head, and I appreciate him when he's here now. We have both met each other at a rough point in our lives, but look at this way. He would have never gotten a job if i wasn't around to motivate him, and help him feel good about himself, he would probably still be sitting on welfare drinking, we barely drink now. We want to better ourselves, I know he just wants to make me happy, It's just been hard from him with his anxiety issues to go out there and get his life together. Now he has goals - wants to go to film school, get a band going again. If we have been through so much, why throw it all away, that should say something about our relationship. At first I was just frustrated with our situation, and wanted to say just screw it. I want to work hard on making things right, yes we haven't been together that long, but when I fell for him I fell hard, I am still very attracted to him, we have bad days when we are stressed out, and take it out on each other, but we have been both working on talking things out rather than lashing out. It's been hard but I honestly think It will be worth It. I know trust is important in a relationship, I know a lot of it has to deal with my insecurities, thats why I know now I need to get help, and better myself. Besides I'm better off with him, and living with him then anywhere else.

[Grey Matter]

If you're looking through his stuff, you need to figure out why this is and how to stop the behavior.

I have seen more than a dozen friends lose relationships because instead of opening an open conversation, they closet the fact that they are going through their partners things. That doesn't speak "trust" to me. That leads me to believe something deeper is happening.

[winter4me]

If you are afraid to be alone, being with someone (perhaps out of that fear) will not alleviate that fear. We all need, to be healthy, to be okay with and by ourselves.
And, like Teen Idle said, going through your partner's things truly puts the relationship on very shaky ground.

[casurfer]

Going through his stuff is crossing the line.... he may break up with you because of it. You need to get to the bottom of why you feel the need to do this...

Originally Posted by tacoqueen1993

we plan on being together for awhile.

I'm sorry but that's a curious addition to the previous statement that you want to be married to this man and have kids. Planning to be with him for 'awhile' seems a very temporary statement when considering a soon to be permanent living/relationship/situation.

I agree with those above. If the thing is 'intense' that's all passion and all, but it doesn't make it healthy for you...and it might make it dangerous in the long run for you and any children you might have.

Take care of yourself