Self Control

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. It was only until a few months ago that I started having episodes of jealousy and distrust. I'm constantly bringing up his past. He was engaged many years ago, the relationship went sour...long story short he ended up cheating. I knew this going in, in fact he was very honest about it when the topic came up during the beginning of our relationship. He was sorry that it happened and vowed to be a changed man. He's been nothing but great to me, yet when I blow up in arguments I use this against him. It's almost like putting him on a guilt trip and I know it's wrong.

I've called him every name in the book, belittled his manhood, accused him of flirting with other females, the list goes on. He's not my first "victim" in fact I've treated all serious intimate relationships the same.

I've recently started researching BPD and think I'm a prime candidate. Control issues, jealousy rampages, the love you-hate you bits. I'm seeking self control, as it's something I seem to lack. I really don't want this to be another failed relationship, but it will be if I continue lashing out.

Am I just as "crazy" as he says or can this be fixed? I'd appreciate feedback.

Good on you, you've admitted you've done something wrong, so the first thing to do is offer your apologies. If they are not accepted then it's his fault.

it happens, girls doubt on boys this way, but the thing is now you know what is wrong at your side, so you have to put some efforts from your side also. do not wry, it will be fine.

I've apologized countless times and he's always been open and forgiving. Once I come down from my "high" I feel completely ashamed. No one deserves to be treated the way I treat him. I do the same with my family, especially my dad. I hate that I'm not in control of my emotions and the fact that I let them consume me. He's mentioned that I should talk to someone and maybe I should. Maybe this was a long time coming.

Does anyone with diagnosed BPD ever feel this way?

You are right, girl. BPD causes intense mood swings, This causes troubled relationships with everyone, i am sorry.

You've identified the problem, and that's great! But you can also admit that what you've been doing isn't changing anything, so you need to start making some changes yourself. I think talking to a therapist is a good place to start. I'd also start journaling. A therapist will be able to help you develop coping skills and ways to diffuse the anger before it gets out of control. It's going to be in baby steps, but you can get there.

A side note... When my husband and I were dating, I had latched on to some negative thing in his past and I'd bring it up any time I got upset. Then I realized (after lots of journaling) that the reason I was bringing it up is because I was actually upset about something completely different, but it was my go-to emotion. I knew it and it was 'comfortable.' So once I realized that, I'd stop myself and say, "Wait a minute. You know you're over this. What are you really upset about?" It really helped, and I think after the first couple times of doing that, I stopped bringing it up at all, and was able to start working on what was actually upsetting me using "I" statements. (I statements: I feel __[specific emotion]__ when you do __[their action]__ because __[why their action makes you feel that way]__.)

The goal is really to slow down when your emotions start getting high and interrupt the cycle. It'll take a lot of practice (and actually a lot of practice when you're not even angry so when you are angry, it'll come to you easier). But you can get there.