[NextToNormal]

I wish I could just give up on people altogether.

I feel like I'm a burden on everyone here. I complain too much.

I can't stand my family a lot of the time. They don't know what to do about me. Mom knows I've been depressed and started ignoring me more.

I texted one of my 'friends' two days ago. We haven't been talking. I asked him if he hated me... still no reply. Another 'friend' has mood swings like I do. He hates me right now. I don't know what to do about him. We're both self-destructing and its hurting each other in the process.

I sabotage any romantic relationship I've ever been in. I can't get close to anyone. I get terribly afraid that I'll get hurt, so I break it off. Relationships suck, people suck... I suck.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. I know it's hard to get through, especially, when you feel you are alone. I'm glad you feel you can come here for support. Let us know how we can help. Don't worry about being a burden here, it is a place for releasing feelings and getting support.

[Onward2wards]

Next, I do not hate you at all. I get the impression others here do not hate you at all, either. It isn't as reassuring as having supportive people offline every day, but I hope you feel welcomed and understood here.

Some people do apparently suck! (Headgames, control issues, etc. etc.) Broken communication between people sucks as much, because it is the cause of so many problems. And yes, that can be very painful.

[NextToNormal]

Even on here, there are times where I just want to be here for everyone. I want to absorb all of your hurts even if it destroys me in the process.

Then there are times I feel like you all just want me to leave. Like I just suck all of the air out of the room (mainly in chat). I'm sick of being so contradictory and I don't know who I am or what I want anymore.

I think I want to be alone forever, I like being alone. Then it changes and I want to have a relationship, I want love. And I'm just getting so confused, and it's all piling up on me. Usually I can suppress my emotions, put on a blank face, and go through life like a robot. Just doing what I need to do to appear normal. Lately I can't contain it, I've actually been crying, flying into fits of irritable rage, and giving in to impulses.

I react to the dumbest things. I thought I didn't really have triggers, turns out I'm just so good at pushing my emotions into the back of my mind until it explodes.

I don't want to be alone forever... but how can I have a relationship like this? I destroy everyone I try to get close to by being this way and I hate it.

[Onward2wards]

NextToNormal, I feel the need to break down what you've written, because I can relate to it a lot and my T helped me "normalize" what I experience.

I want to absorb all of your hurts even if it destroys me in the process.

I have that tendency as well. You could say its a weakness and feel bad about it, or recognize it means you are an empathic person and learn how to use it and enjoy it, without being overwhelmed by it. This is what I have been trying to do, rather than repeat to myself the mean things others have said about it over the years.

I think I want to be alone forever, I like being alone. Then it changes and I want to have a relationship, I want love. And I'm just getting so confused.

So, you want to have deep and meaningful relationships with people and also protect your boundaries. Sounds like a great start, you're just ambivalent about how to pull it off. That's just like me and a lot of other people. I don't know why it gets so hard, unless very old fears from past hurts are at work.

I thought I didn't really have triggers, turns out I'm just so good at pushing my emotions into the back of my mind until it explodes.

Sounds like you've been reading right out of my daily journal! I always thought I wore my feelings on my sleeve until a T called me "an expert emotional stuffer" and I realized how accurate she was. Do you remember times when anyone invalidated your feelings without taking the time to understand you or guide you through them?

One book that really opened my eyes is "Reinventing your Life". It introduces the basics of "Schema Theory". There's a really good website about these theories here.