[RDMercer]

Hi,

I've screwed up my marriage.

For the past several years I've viewed explicit material online, and have lied to my wife about it. She has stated to me a number of times how much she hated this material. I always kind of blew it off... I didn't see what I was doing as that bad or that damaging. I saw it as fantasy, and a chance to explore things that would never actually happen.

My wife found some of my history list about 2 years ago. This led to a huge confrontation with my wife and I. I had to do a lot of personal searching and personal inventory and review of how I viewed marriage and women and my wife. To my wife, what I did was a form on infidelity, the same as a "special friend" or online affair. I took needs outside the marriage. She is right.

I can honestly say, after two years of truly working on this and building more empathy, and looking at the damage I created with my lies and self-centered behaviour, that I really, really screwed up and damn near lost a wonderful woman.

Now I need to know how to get her back.

She sees my commitment and my support, but she no longer feels like she is special, sexual, or attractive to me. She sees me as having viewed lots and lots of images of women who are younger and better looking, and that she doesn't compete with that.

What can I do to make her feel special and beautiful and sexy again?

I desire her on every level. She has told me she will never feel this from me again, because she knows I have seen and desired women she can't compete with.

She is the best woman in the world for me. I love her completely. I can't believe that I didn't see how damaging my selfish actions were before now.

I want her to feel like she is the best partner in the world for me, and that I think she is a frigging goddess in the bedroom. It's true, and she deserves to feel this in her life.

If you had the same history, what could YOUR partner do for you to make you feel like this?

[catsrhelm]

Was this revelation recent? If so, your wife may simply need more time to grieve. In the meantime, just be there and really listen.

[gayleggg]

Marriage counseling at this point might be a good idea. It will take time for her to realize that she matters and is sexy to you. I think you can show her your love by being open and listening to her.

[RDMercer]

We started down this path about 2 years ago, and have been through about 10 months of counselling. This is where we are at currently.

[clydef]

I don't think you should have lied about it, but it doesn't seem like infidelity to me. I'm not trying to excuse it, but I thought that you were going to describe a physical relationship.

[healingme4me]

You made a mistake, you owned up to it. You are working hard, in marriage counseling, to fix this.

What could my partner do, to leave me, feeling beautiful, adored, etc...knowing, 1) that he has seen explicit material of other women, on-line? (I am presuming, no-one that he has ever met, or has a chance to meet?)

I would, take the time, to realize this about myself. Accept, that he's peeked at photos, and appreciate his honesty and commitment to me.

[hannabee]

IDK, sounds like she's going to punish you about this for a long time. 10 months of counseling and I would think things would be better by now, except it sounds like SHE doesn't think much of herself and that has nothing to do with this, at all.

So if you were caught looking at Playboy would it be the same thing??? Does she never watch R rated movies??

Originally Posted by clydef

I don't think you should have lied about it, but it doesn't seem like infidelity to me. I'm not trying to excuse it, but I thought that you were going to describe a physical relationship.

I have to agree...no excuses but looking at ..porn=infidelity?

[laikashuman]

Definitely not infidelityin the sense of the word, but I've been on the other end of that and i just felt horrible until i realized the root of the problem. He had replaced sex or affection towards me with internet porn. I felt rejected and neglected. Those are valid feelings. But do not let her continue to make you pay for this forever either. Once my H staryed spending more time off line and more time with me in the bedroom, we worked over it.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by hannabee

except it sounds like SHE doesn't think much of herself and that has nothing to do with this, at all.

First of all, This.

Without even going into the differing opinions about whether porn is wrong in marriage or not, this is what I think... I don't think that viewing porn is infidelity in and of itself but.. if you're married to a partner that is against it and it offends or hurts them, then as the loving SO you should go out of your way to avoid those things that do so. This is the same as a person being married to someone that is against anything or is hurt by it.. right down to drugs and alcohol and other vices. This alone is enough reason to say you should have avoided it but you did eventually which is good. Don't continue to beat yourself up for it.

The part that is equally damaging if not more is the secretiveness, the lying about it. whenever you carry on with a behavior of any kind in secret, knowing that the other person is against that, you multiply the problem.

The thing is, she may not only have a problem with the porn itself but your deceitfulness and that is a very hard thing to get past for many people.

I was married to a woman that had a problem with me viewing anything, not just porn but racy images of any kind and I know this is extreme but I use it as an example. I went out of my way to NOT hide things from her to be in the open as much as possible and in my case it never changed. She held my offenses, including porn, for more than 10 years. In the end, hind sight being 20x20, it wasn't only that I did something wrong, she had certain issues herself... related to her own self image and there was nothing I could do in all of it to fix that. Being faithful, loyal and open to her could not give her the self image she needed.

I add that last part because it may be part of the reason she still has not gotten over that too. Counseling together is a good thing but perhaps individual counseling for each of you would help.

[Confused46]

Hello, I'm going through a similar issue with my fiancé. He likes porn and a month ago I found out that he cheated on me with probably a woman he met online. Now I'm feeling as if I'm not good enough sexually or attractive in his eyes and he keeps telling me that's not the case. But he's not understanding how this has damaged me on so many levels. Trust and honesty are major parst of a relationship and once it's broken it will take a long time to repair. And if both parties aren't willing to do their part with working to rebuild it will nearly impossible to do so. For the person that was hurt they will have to go through stages of letting go of it. First is FORGIVENESS, she has to forgive you in order to obtain peace within herself to start working on the trust. You will have to endure quit a few things if you want your marriage to work. I suggest you start by show her daily how much do love and want to be with her, ACTIOS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!! I just wish someone would talk with my fiancé to give him some advice because he needs it. If not I will have to get out of this relationship.

[RDMercer]

Thank you all for your input.

My wife defines anything that you go outside of the marriage for as infidelity. When you marry, your partner becomes your go-to for all your personal needs. If you aren't getting what you need, you have to work harder with your partner to identify and attain those needs. Over the last year or more I've grown to truly feel she is right.

My actions damaged her self esteem. The lying made it worse. Much worse. I never recognized how much this bothered her. I didn't hear her with my heart.

I've got a second chance, and I think she is in part punishing me. She also wants to distinguish herself from the online girls who "give it away". She wants me to work for her sex. She wants to see effort, adn she wants to shoot me down for it sometimes. She wants me to take risks and fail sometimes. By her reasoning, she is taking a risk in staying with me, and she feels vulnerable during sex with me. She needs things to be equal between us.

I have no "game" when it comes to women. To be honest, my wife was the first woman I pursued. Before meeting her, I was usually the one pursued. I honestly don't know how to make her feel like a desireable, sexual woman.