I feel worthless

All the lying all those times. All the cheating. I was the person who would so judge other people for staying with cheaters. That would never be me!
Till it happened to me.
I found out, freaked out, and he of course was sorry. The very next week he cheated again . From then on it was make up, break up, cheat some more. Countless lies about needing to go here and there. Countless times he would disappear for a days having me freaking out calling hospitals and lock ups. I have so many bad memories. When I was doing better emotionally I dealt with this much better. Realizing I could do better and that its his loss and that hes scum. With my emotions being so low I feel like its a sign of the lack of feelings he had all along. That I wasnt good enough. That I didnt make him happy enough. Im obsessed with this. I constantly try to find out if hes doing something again. Like it matters?! Like the 100th text message is going to make me put my foot down. It doesnt. The words and images a seared in my brain. Yet I keep looking for more? There must be a sick part of me that "likes" this.
I cant stop obsessing about it. It feels like ptsd. Scared hes not coming home from work. Scared hes not even at work. Scared every time i see the phone in his hand. My stomach turns when I hear a word that is somehow connected to his cheating. A town name, a persons name etc. I go from wanting to slap him and never talking to him again to wanting him to prove his love for me and treat me like I have been treating him. I go out of my way to make him happy. I wont look in another mans direction out of fear of disrespecting him. I try. I really do.
I know I know why would I stay. The fact that I have seen him struggle with bi-polar is one reason. Because I love him. Because I want to believe that we can work through anything. Because I am such a damaged person that he does accept. Because when we are good hes like my best friend. Because I dont want to be alone. Because Im weak and have low self esteem.
No one knows the extent of our issues. I am ashamed of what I have allowed and continue to allow.
If the people in my life knew half of this they would never look at me the same.
The pain I feel when we are apart is worse a lot of times than the pain of allowing this. Its sick. I am one of "those" women now.
I flirt with the idea of accepting all this. To stay and love him and just take it one passive day at a time. Thats what im willing to "settle" for.
I hate myself for being so stupid. And I know I cant keep complaining about what I put up with.
So im going to allow myself a few hours this morning to sob over this and then put on my face and get pretty and fake it for myself and everyone around me.

You will get better over time. The first month after a break-up is always the hardest regardless of reason. It's just that affairs can take a toll on your self-esteem until you come to a point where you realize that it was not your fault; instead it was the other person's choice. You are just not at that point yet.

Thank you
Right now we are together. Whatever that means anyway.
I let him come back , again, a couple weeks ago.
I know that with cutting ties and time i will get through this. I just cant see that far ahead right now. Stuck on the here and now emotion.

It's impossible to ever trust fully again. Best to cut ties and go through the pain and become a stronger person for it. You'll be proud of yourself and that will improve your self esteem.

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

Don't let yourself be used this way. Worthit is right. You can get your selfesteem back but not until you break the hold he has on you. You need to accept that he does not want to change and you can't make him. You owe it to yourself to get out of this abusive relationship.

Thanks guys for the kind words.

Sad to say that unhealthy abusive relationships are all I know.

my heart goes out to you right now.......I was in an abusive relationship with husband cheating..........it was the worst time of my life...... staying thinking that the worst was yet to come if I left the relationship........granted it was difficult sometimes I cried until there was nothing left ......really there were some terrible times.......he would not let me leave with the children......would not let me take anything other that that which I stood in.......he tried everything possible to break me and make me dependant on him......hit me.....humiliated me.....blamed me.....cheated........in the end something just clicked and I realised that he couldn't make me feel anything........and I worked out that only I can make myself feel things......he could not take my self esteem.......self worth.......as I would not let him......and I had to leave him to protect myself and my children and begin to love myself and love and care for my children.

I had nothing and started from scratch.......liking and then loving myself and then I was able to be the mum I wanted to be and be strong for my children. I built a home for us and was happy for the first time since I had met him.

No one can take anything from you or make you feel anything......you just have to like yourself enough to care for yourself.........sometimes the only way to do that is to leave them and heal and nurture yourself...........that process may seem daunting and difficult however, staying is sometimes far more difficult.......you will work out which for yourself I am sure........sending you a big hug and lots of support x

Thank you for your kind words.
I'm so sorry you went through so much and I'm glad you got out!
The one thing he doesn't do is hit me but he is still pretty nasty verbally. I find myself feeling sorry for him. I know I shouldn't but I just do. Seeing him struggle with his demons and knowing what he's been through makes me feel like I can relate on some twisted level. I have so many issues myself and have done a lot of destructive things to him and our relationship. There is def a level of guilt there too. :-/

Either way I know I need to put myself and my children first and begin to love myself and get out of unhealthy thinking and behavior patterns.


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using Tapatalk

Exactly

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk