[nepiadeluxe]

So I've been trying to deal with this myself, but I feel I'm running out of options/don't truly know where to go. I'm new to this forum and I felt that I could get some advice.

I've been dating my current gf for almost 2 years. She is Japanese and came to the US to study abroad. We met in America and starting dating (unfortunately) 3 months before she had to go back to Japan.

During our time in America, we tried to have sex several times, but always found it impossible. At that time, I was led to believe (by the evidence I could clearly see and by what she told me) that she was 1) too small for my penis and 2) unwilling to actually go through with it since she was returning home in a matter of months. I relented and we had originally decided to break up after she left.

To make a long story short: we decided to stay together and spent the last year doing a long distance relationship. During that time, she never cheated or sought someone else (she is a really, really trustworthy and nice girl - and very shy/independent).

I just came to Japan for a year study abroad (I'm actually studying Japanese (among other things)) and thought that this relationship would pick up right where we left off. During our time apart, we spent almost everyday talking on Skype, and so I felt that, once we finally got together, we would be okay.

But, at first she was flakey and a bit distant. It took me so much coaxing just to get her to come out and hang out with me. And then we finally found time to spend with each other intimately. It turned into a disaster. Our attempt to have sex was marred with frustration and tears on her part - and again I thought it was solely physical. We gave up and haven't tried again since.

However, I finally figured out that much of the problem (perhaps ALL) is actually emotional. See: she has only had one boyfriend in her life before me (actually she is also my first gf). They only dated for 6 months, but that was more than enough time for the two to have sex - once. When they finally did it, my gf was able to bear through the small amount of pain and (according to her) overall discomfort. She said she didn't hurt very bad nor did she bleed

The next day, apparently the boyfriend became super cold and led her on a month-long game of phone tag before showing up one day and breaking up with her. This devastated her.

The problem is, although she is otherwise mentally healthy, she now forever associates sex with this breakup. She learned to loath not only sex, but her own vagina and her sexiness. She made excuses to validate her new found hatred ("I'll get pregnant even if we use protection" is the big one). Furthermore, she has never had a proper female role model in her life to tell her that sex is fine - she has (since the scarring Japanese sex ed videos of her childhood) come to fear the organ between her legs.

Now, with me, it is such a crippling fear that she actually has a panic attack every time we even TALK about it (I can see all the signs now when we actually tried in the past). It is an honest to goodness sick feeling she gets whenever the concept of us having intercourse is introduced. She has been getting better, but she seems to be putting off the topic more and more (for example, we have a vacation planned together for Winter Break, but she has a big school related event that she states she wants to focus on, and then afterwards she'll be open to try. However, I feel that she will find yet another way to put it off).

I'm trying to help her: I complement her on her body a lot and am trying to use positive reinforcement. I'm trying to get her comfortable with her body. I've also run through all these mental reasons why she should give sex another shot: I'm not going to leave her like her ex did, I am comfortable with her body, I tried to make her understand how limited/short life is to be putting off an integral part of a health relationship due to the past, I let her know my intentions are based mainly on my love for her (what kind of guy stays with a girl for almost two years just to get sex?), etc. But still no true signs of progress.

I'm really at the end of my rope mentally: I love this girl so much, but the fact that I cannot have a sexual relationship with her is destroying me. The very selfish reason of course is that I'm still a virgin, and I feel sick every time I think there's a man out there in this city who took advantage of the girl I love now and got to a place of intimacy I just cannot. Actually, this concept alone is slowly driving me insane:

I am now beginning to truly dislike my time studying abroad because every little thing - whether it be seeing other Japanese men or when simply a word relating to, say, virginity comes up. I have also had frequent nightmares over the subject - the worst of which woke me up crying. I can't help but feel insecure being a virgin. It's just so hard to get the mental images of someone else getting to experience everything that we have done (i.e. oral sex, massages, baths, kissing) and more (actual sexual intercourse that I have yet to experience) with the girl I love out of my head. It's just eating me up inside.

The overall reason is that I love this girl so much, and I really just want to fix her and let her know that I'm here to love her, that I won't leave her like her ex did, and that I just want to share my body and spirit with her through sex.

I don't mind taking it slow (I've been patient for well over a year), but she has thus far refused to help me with her mentality surrounding the problem. What should I do? What should I do the next time we have intimate time together?

tl;dr: My girlfriend has a paralyzing fear of her body and sex due to the shadow looming over her from her previous relationship and it makes us unable to have sex.

<<< The part of an old prude will be played by myself at this time.......

How about you wait till after you are MARRIED.

Originally Posted by nepiadeluxe

So I've been trying to deal with this myself, but I feel I'm running out of options/don't truly know where to go. I'm new to this forum and I felt that I could get some advice.

I've been dating my current gf for almost 2 years. She is Japanese and came to the US to study abroad. We met in America and starting dating (unfortunately) 3 months before she had to go back to Japan.

During our time in America, we tried to have sex several times, but always found it impossible. At that time, I was led to believe (by the evidence I could clearly see and by what she told me) that she was 1) too small for my penis and 2) unwilling to actually go through with it since she was returning home in a matter of months. I relented and we had originally decided to break up after she left.

To make a long story short: we decided to stay together and spent the last year doing a long distance relationship. During that time, she never cheated or sought someone else (she is a really, really trustworthy and nice girl - and very shy/independent).

I just came to Japan for a year study abroad (I'm actually studying Japanese (among other things)) and thought that this relationship would pick up right where we left off. During our time apart, we spent almost everyday talking on Skype, and so I felt that, once we finally got together, we would be okay.

But, at first she was flakey and a bit distant. It took me so much coaxing just to get her to come out and hang out with me. And then we finally found time to spend with each other intimately. It turned into a disaster. Our attempt to have sex was marred with frustration and tears on her part - and again I thought it was solely physical. We gave up and haven't tried again since.

However, I finally figured out that much of the problem (perhaps ALL) is actually emotional. See: she has only had one boyfriend in her life before me (actually she is also my first gf). They only dated for 6 months, but that was more than enough time for the two to have sex - once. When they finally did it, my gf was able to bear through the small amount of pain and (according to her) overall discomfort. She said she didn't hurt very bad nor did she bleed

The next day, apparently the boyfriend became super cold and led her on a month-long game of phone tag before showing up one day and breaking up with her. This devastated her.

The problem is, although she is otherwise mentally healthy, she now forever associates sex with this breakup. She learned to loath not only sex, but her own vagina and her sexiness. She made excuses to validate her new found hatred ("I'll get pregnant even if we use protection" is the big one). Furthermore, she has never had a proper female role model in her life to tell her that sex is fine - she has (since the scarring Japanese sex ed videos of her childhood) come to fear the organ between her legs.

Now, with me, it is such a crippling fear that she actually has a panic attack every time we even TALK about it (I can see all the signs now when we actually tried in the past). It is an honest to goodness sick feeling she gets whenever the concept of us having intercourse is introduced. She has been getting better, but she seems to be putting off the topic more and more (for example, we have a vacation planned together for Winter Break, but she has a big school related event that she states she wants to focus on, and then afterwards she'll be open to try. However, I feel that she will find yet another way to put it off).

I'm trying to help her: I complement her on her body a lot and am trying to use positive reinforcement. I'm trying to get her comfortable with her body. I've also run through all these mental reasons why she should give sex another shot: I'm not going to leave her like her ex did, I am comfortable with her body, I tried to make her understand how limited/short life is to be putting off an integral part of a health relationship due to the past, I let her know my intentions are based mainly on my love for her (what kind of guy stays with a girl for almost two years just to get sex?), etc. But still no true signs of progress.

I'm really at the end of my rope mentally: I love this girl so much, but the fact that I cannot have a sexual relationship with her is destroying me. The very selfish reason of course is that I'm still a virgin, and I feel sick every time I think there's a man out there in this city who took advantage of the girl I love now and got to a place of intimacy I just cannot. Actually, this concept alone is slowly driving me insane:

I am now beginning to truly dislike my time studying abroad because every little thing - whether it be seeing other Japanese men or when simply a word relating to, say, virginity comes up. I have also had frequent nightmares over the subject - the worst of which woke me up crying. I can't help but feel insecure being a virgin. It's just so hard to get the mental images of someone else getting to experience everything that we have done (i.e. oral sex, massages, baths, kissing) and more (actual sexual intercourse that I have yet to experience) with the girl I love out of my head. It's just eating me up inside.

The overall reason is that I love this girl so much, and I really just want to fix her and let her know that I'm here to love her, that I won't leave her like her ex did, and that I just want to share my body and spirit with her through sex.

I don't mind taking it slow (I've been patient for well over a year), but she has thus far refused to help me with her mentality surrounding the problem. What should I do? What should I do the next time we have intimate time together?

tl;dr: My girlfriend has a paralyzing fear of her body and sex due to the shadow looming over her from her previous relationship and it makes us unable to have sex.

I agree somewhat with what Useless said. Although I understand today that sex before marriage is not uncommon, there is something to be said for it still. Even if it is not for the morality factor of it, there are other reasons to wait and for you, you might want to think about this.

Waiting will also remove the pressure from her to have sex right now and allow you two to get to know each other. Work on growing closer to her instead for awhile. It's better to do this before sex anyway even if you didn't wait til marriage. Being a couple does not mean you have to instantly have sex, although I know it happens and for some this is what they want. Clearly she has trouble with it and focusing too much on it may give her the impression that's your priority with her and it kind of devalues the rest of her.

Another thing to think about. Although there is much said about the sexual perversion and deviant activity in Japan, in spite of this it is a very proper and strict culture. I know that young people there do have sex but I do not think they take it nearly as lightly as Americans or Europeans do.

Give her the respect she deserves, my friend and quit pressuring her, if you possibly can.

Hope this helps
S4

** Thank you S4

Originally Posted by Useless Me

** Thank you S4

You're very welcome

[Confusedinomicon]

It's just so hard to get the mental images of someone else getting to experience everything that we have done (i.e. oral sex, massages, baths, kissing) and more (actual sexual intercourse that I have yet to experience) with the girl I love out of my head.

They haven't had vaginal sex. Telling him to wait isn't the best solution/advice in this case.

I would suggest her seeing a therapist/sex-therapist about the break-up to process with them. She is obviously traumatized by her first time which could suggest she was pressured her first time which could potential equate to rape. This is serious and you continually suggesting to have vaginal sex is not going to help the matter. If she's having panic attacks over it, the best thing YOU could do is support her in finding a therapist and not feeling ashamed she needs to process with someone about her experience.

You may also want to look into cultural differences to see if this is common behavior with other eastern Asians.

Also, you should be grateful she's putting out at all. Just because you're not having vaginal sex doesn't mean you can't have a meaningful sexual and intimate life. Having vaginal sex isn't the be-all-end-all to a relationship. You're still experiencing intimacy with your girlfriend and at least she trusts you enough to do everything else.

[RomanSunburn]

I think you need to stop thinking she needs to be "fixed." I find it objectifying and demeaning.

I agree with everything Confusedinomicom said. Her experience was extremely traumatizing for her. Not only has she equated sex with mental pain, but also physical pain (her mind is going to remember that it hurt, expect it to hurt again, clench up, and make it hurt worse), and the two of those together is enough to put anyone off it forever. I think you need to start trying to see the issue from her perspective. How would you feel in her place? I agree, I think you should help her find a therapist to help her process her experience. By continually getting frustrated over it, you're just making her feel worse and actually reenforcing the idea that the only important thing about her is her vagina, which in her mind is a piece of crap because someone else left her over it. Honestly, even if you do wait until you are married, I wouldn't be surprised if she had the same reaction.

Another point to consider, stop thinking that someone else had intimacy with her. Because, clearly, that didn't happen. You're still in college, you're young, you have the rest of your life to have sex. Don't put so much immediacy on it that you forget why you want to be with her in the first place.

[hamster-bamster]

It is anxiety on her part, and the therapy for anxiety is gradual desensitization, also called Exposure therapy. CBT - cognitive behavior therapy - has also shown a decent amount of success for anxiety. See Therapy for Anxiety Disorders: Cognitive and Behavioral Approaches

I do not see how marrying her would help alleviate the anxiety. If the idea is that marriage is the ultimate guarantee that you - unlike that other guy - would not leave her, then, yes, I can see the point, but that point would only be helpful for that subcomponent of her anxiety which is the fear that having sex leads to being abandoned. Her anxiety has many more subcomponents which are not going to "yield" to marriage. Say, you wrote "she has (since the scarring Japanese sex ed videos of her childhood) come to fear the organ between her legs. " - how is marriage going to help with that? I think the idea that marriage will fix the problem is an example of magical thinking.

If you know enough Japanese, make some searches for therapists who treat anxiety in one of those modalities - Exposure and CBT - and offer her some choices, making sure that she knows that you do NOT have quantifiable expectations of her progress. In other words, find some professionals and express a hope that maybe, with therapy, one day and with absolutely no deadlines, your gf would be comfortable enough to proceed to intercourse.

So that is about your gf, now about you - why do you feel insecure just because you have not had PIV (penis-in-vagina)? You have done, per your report, a variety of things sexually; you report being sufficiently and even more than sufficiently equipped in this department (you worried that she was too small for your penis) - so what is that makes you feel insecure? You wrote about this insecurity as if it were obvious that one in your situation would be insecure - at least for me, it is not obvious, so I am asking the question.

[Travelinglady]

True, hamster, marriage might not solve the issue, but I agree that vaginal sex is something that can wait. Some women who strongly believe in waiting do relax when the knot is tied.

I see all that therapy as a lot to go through at this point. It would be even more stressful, IMHO.

I am glad you shared this option, though.

[nepiadeluxe]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

I think you need to stop thinking she needs to be "fixed." I find it objectifying and demeaning.

I agree with everything Confusedinomicom said. Her experience was extremely traumatizing for her. Not only has she equated sex with mental pain, but also physical pain (her mind is going to remember that it hurt, expect it to hurt again, clench up, and make it hurt worse), and the two of those together is enough to put anyone off it forever. I think you need to start trying to see the issue from her perspective. How would you feel in her place? I agree, I think you should help her find a therapist to help her process her experience. By continually getting frustrated over it, you're just making her feel worse and actually reenforcing the idea that the only important thing about her is her vagina, which in her mind is a piece of crap because someone else left her over it. Honestly, even if you do wait until you are married, I wouldn't be surprised if she had the same reaction.

Another point to consider, stop thinking that someone else had intimacy with her. Because, clearly, that didn't happen. You're still in college, you're young, you have the rest of your life to have sex. Don't put so much immediacy on it that you forget why you want to be with her in the first place.

I do apologize for using the term "fixed" - I understand the negative connotations that carries. I meant it more along the lines of "help."

And I wasn't the one who brought up marriage - I have yet to even BEGIN thinking about that prospect.

Furthermore, I haven't really expressed the full problem to her and I haven't really let it show how frustrated I am openly (the emotion on my part is mostly internal).

And I understand - I need to take it slow. But I'm just worried that she's not going to try to make any progress if I don't start trying to get her to progress - even just a little.

As for my thoughts on her past, I know I shouldn't think about it, but it's like a cancer that eats away at me the longer we go without sex. I feel like her ex was somehow better than me - he dated her for a shorter period of time and got to a place that I just cannot get. How can I move past this?

And on a therapist, my gf just isn't the type to deal with that. I already attempted to bring that up before, and she scoffed so hard at the notion that I didn't move on with it (there is a sexual therapist at our college here in Japan, but I just don't think she would be okay with doing that - it took her so long to open up to me!)

[nepiadeluxe]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

They haven't had vaginal sex. Telling him to wait isn't the best solution/advice in this case.

I would suggest her seeing a therapist/sex-therapist about the break-up to process with them. She is obviously traumatized by her first time which could suggest she was pressured her first time which could potential equate to rape. This is serious and you continually suggesting to have vaginal sex is not going to help the matter. If she's having panic attacks over it, the best thing YOU could do is support her in finding a therapist and not feeling ashamed she needs to process with someone about her experience.

You may also want to look into cultural differences to see if this is common behavior with other eastern Asians.

Also, you should be grateful she's putting out at all. Just because you're not having vaginal sex doesn't mean you can't have a meaningful sexual and intimate life. Having vaginal sex isn't the be-all-end-all to a relationship. You're still experiencing intimacy with your girlfriend and at least she trusts you enough to do everything else.

I think she wouldn't be okay with seeing a therapist (as I said in my last reply) because she is uncomfortable speaking about her past - it took her a very long time for her to open up to me.

And yes, I do believe she was traumatized to a certain extent: she only did it because she feared that, towards the end of the relationship, she was going to lose her ex if she DIDN'T have sex. Turns out he left her anyway.

I think this kind of thing is common - at least in Japan. Females are regularly seen as below men, and many girls' first experiences come at the hands of men whose sole goal is to have sex and then move on to other girls. My gf was naive enough to think that her ex actually had concrete feelings for her.

And I know how lucky I am - I'm sorry if I come across as ungrateful for everything that she has done with me. But it's just the fact that she allowed another man, in a shorter period of time, to have sex with her while she makes me wait is killing me inside (I haven't expressed this to her - this is all internal).

[nepiadeluxe]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I do not see how marrying her would help alleviate the anxiety. If the idea is that marriage is the ultimate guarantee that you - unlike that other guy - would not leave her, then, yes, I can see the point, but that point would only be helpful for that subcomponent of her anxiety which is the fear that having sex leads to being abandoned. Her anxiety has many more subcomponents which are not going to "yield" to marriage. Say, you wrote "she has (since the scarring Japanese sex ed videos of her childhood) come to fear the organ between her legs. " - how is marriage going to help with that? I think the idea that marriage will fix the problem is an example of magical thinking.

If you know enough Japanese, make some searches for therapists who treat anxiety in one of those modalities - Exposure and CBT - and offer her some choices, making sure that she knows that you do NOT have quantifiable expectations of her progress. In other words, find some professionals and express a hope that maybe, with therapy, one day and with absolutely no deadlines, your gf would be comfortable enough to proceed to intercourse.

So that is about your gf, now about you - why do you feel insecure just because you have not had PIV (penis-in-vagina)? You have done, per your report, a variety of things sexually; you report being sufficiently and even more than sufficiently equipped in this department (you worried that she was too small for your penis) - so what is that makes you feel insecure? You wrote about this insecurity as if it were obvious that one in your situation would be insecure - at least for me, it is not obvious, so I am asking the question.

I wasn't the one who brought up marriage - that is still a far off thing that I have yet to think about.

In my other replies, I stated that there is indeed a (supposedly good) sexual therapist here on the campus of our Japanese college, but that my gf would be most likely unwilling to go for help. I have suggested her close room mate from her time in America, but she has yet to seek out that option.

As for my insecurity - I guess it stems from the fact that I've always had a negative perception of myself and my body. I have a lot of regret stemming from my shyness in high school - shyness that I absolutely know for a fact prevented me from having my first sexual experiences in those days. So it comes down to that and my jealousy that I haven't had any past experiences but my gf has - and furthermore, she wasn't necessarily WANTING to do her past experiences - she did them mostly solely out of fear of her ex not being happy.

Idk - it just drives me crazy that, while my gf was spending her time being sexually active with a man that would just leave her so coldheartedly, I was just doing nothing with my time outside of school and other meaningless things. I guess it just hurts that she had this meaningful relationship with someone else who was then able to do things (namely, sexual intercourse) with her while I have (after close to 2 years) been unable to.

It makes me feel like there's also something wrong with ME. Is she not attracted to me sexually? Is she not attracted to who I am? Does she still harbor feelings for her ex? Was he more attractive than me? Was he more intelligent than me? Richer than me? Just overall better than me?

And then just the jealousy plays a factor as well: I have these special intimate moments with my gf, and I just know that some other man in this country has had those same moments and MORE with her.

[Harley47]

Well, I'm pretty typically old fashioned in my views on sex, and I do see the virtue in waiting. I do also, however, see Hammy's point, and additionally, marriage would not solve the other issues, nor could it be a guarantee of the underlying cause of the fear being fixed. The chief issue here is the fear of abandonment, which she equates to sex. While there is a valid logical claim in that marriage would absolve the fear of abandonment (you have, theoretically, proven you're not going anywhere by tying the knot), marriage shouldn't be a remedy for a problem like this. It could even, in an albeit extreme scenario, be difficult to ascertain that the reasons behind the marriage are wholly for the right reasons (not to say you would marry her for such a reason OP, not at all. But the point does stand). Marriage should be the pinnacle of the relationship, not a remedy to a relationship issue.

Granted, that does put marriage in the position of being used in a strictly remedial sense, which no one has thus far suggested. But the logic stands for the example.

That all said, the key here is breaking the link between two things: 1) that sex equates to abandonment and emotional turmoil and 2) that she should be afraid of sex on a biological (or perhaps sociological masquerading as biological) basis. Japan is, despite the common internet joke about being the chief exporter of the world's weird stuff, a fairly strict society. It is possible that the pain she felt in the abandonment could play itself into the cultural taboos on the subject.

You're currently, it seems, going about this the best way you can. Do not pressure her into this at all. The issue here on your end shouldn't be about sex, but should be about dispelling the notion that she should be afraid of it on the basis that you're going to up and leave. You can do that without sex itself, and doing so will ease the process on her part. Additionally, don't take her fear as reflective upon you...I don't think she thinks, despite the distances, that you're going to do what her (your word here) of an ex did. You have to understand, the ex was clearly traumatic for her, and trauma doesn't always follow rhyme and reason in these regards. I'm sure she trusts you. She is, in all likelihood, simply unable to disassociate the pain of what she felt from sex. Truthfully, a therapist would be a Godsend in this. You are only able to do so much, though being patient and understanding with her while working through this means more to her than you can know.

As far as you yourself go, there is no shame in being a virgin. There is a great deal of societal pressure, particularly in America, to punch the proverbial "v-card" ASAP, without regard to the gravity of the act. You, I think, are better off for waiting for someone you truly care about to share the moment with. Don't let it get to you...personally, I tend to find societal expectations in regards to virginity to be ridiculous from the start.

Please keep us posted on how things go. I do hope I was of some help.

Hugs,
Harley

[nepiadeluxe]

Originally Posted by Harley47

Well, I'm pretty typically old fashioned in my views on sex, and I do see the virtue in waiting. I do also, however, see Hammy's point, and additionally, marriage would not solve the other issues, nor could it be a guarantee of the underlying cause of the fear being fixed. The chief issue here is the fear of abandonment, which she equates to sex. While there is a valid logical claim in that marriage would absolve the fear of abandonment (you have, theoretically, proven you're not going anywhere by tying the knot), marriage shouldn't be a remedy for a problem like this. It could even, in an albeit extreme scenario, be difficult to ascertain that the reasons behind the marriage are wholly for the right reasons (not to say you would marry her for such a reason OP, not at all. But the point does stand). Marriage should be the pinnacle of the relationship, not a remedy to a relationship issue.

Granted, that does put marriage in the position of being used in a strictly remedial sense, which no one has thus far suggested. But the logic stands for the example.

That all said, the key here is breaking the link between two things: 1) that sex equates to abandonment and emotional turmoil and 2) that she should be afraid of sex on a biological (or perhaps sociological masquerading as biological) basis. Japan is, despite the common internet joke about being the chief exporter of the world's weird stuff, a fairly strict society. It is possible that the pain she felt in the abandonment could play itself into the cultural taboos on the subject.

You're currently, it seems, going about this the best way you can. Do not pressure her into this at all. The issue here on your end shouldn't be about sex, but should be about dispelling the notion that she should be afraid of it on the basis that you're going to up and leave. You can do that without sex itself, and doing so will ease the process on her part. Additionally, don't take her fear as reflective upon you...I don't think she thinks, despite the distances, that you're going to do what her (your word here) of an ex did. You have to understand, the ex was clearly traumatic for her, and trauma doesn't always follow rhyme and reason in these regards. I'm sure she trusts you. She is, in all likelihood, simply unable to disassociate the pain of what she felt from sex. Truthfully, a therapist would be a Godsend in this. You are only able to do so much, though being patient and understanding with her while working through this means more to her than you can know.

As far as you yourself go, there is no shame in being a virgin. There is a great deal of societal pressure, particularly in America, to punch the proverbial "v-card" ASAP, without regard to the gravity of the act. You, I think, are better off for waiting for someone you truly care about to share the moment with. Don't let it get to you...personally, I tend to find societal expectations in regards to virginity to be ridiculous from the start.

Please keep us posted on how things go. I do hope I was of some help.

Hugs,
Harley

Thank you for your reply.

As far as my virginity goes - it's not so much shame as it is regret. And the bigger issue eating at me is the fact that my gf lost hers in such a fashion - hoping to get closer to a man who was losing interest in her (outside of her body).

And like I replied to others: she is really unwilling to see a therapist - which is unfortunate. It's why I came for help here.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by nepiadeluxe

In my other replies, I stated that there is indeed a (supposedly good) sexual therapist here on the campus of our Japanese college, but that my gf would be most likely unwilling to go for help.

Suggest it, don't assume she won't go, and explain how it will help her process the trauma, and help heal her, not fix the fact that she's refusing to have sex with you

As for my insecurity - I guess it stems from the fact that I've always had a negative perception of myself and my body. I have a lot of regret stemming from my shyness in high school - shyness that I absolutely know for a fact prevented me from having my first sexual experiences in those days.

This has nothing to do with her, your insecurities are not hers to bear, and there's no law that says you should swipe your V card in HS. The fact that you didn't, is in no way a negative reflection on you and should have zero bearing on this relationship.

So it comes down to that and my jealousy that I haven't had any past experiences but my gf has - and furthermore, she wasn't necessarily WANTING to do her past experiences - she did them mostly solely out of fear of her ex not being happy.

This is so so twisted, its actually nonsensical... Why on earth would you be jealous of the fact that she felt coerced into having her first sexual experience? That's so twistedly selfish its kinda sick

Idk - it just drives me crazy that, while my gf was spending her time being sexually active with a man that would just leave her so coldheartedly, I was just doing nothing with my time outside of school and other meaningless things. I guess it just hurts that she had this meaningful relationship with someone else who was then able to do things (namely, sexual intercourse) with her while I have (after close to 2 years) been unable to.

Again, nonsensical, you are jealous over an experience that traumatized her, leaving her crippled with fear. According to you it was a one time thing and he broke up with her after, so when exactly was she spending so much of her free time being sexually active while you were too busy being shy? If you feel like feeling hurt, feel hurt for your gf who invested time, feelings and trust into a man that betrayed her and treated her like a conquest instead of a respected and lovable humanbeing

It makes me feel like there's also something wrong with ME. Is she not attracted to me sexually? Is she not attracted to who I am? Does she still harbor feelings for her ex? Was he more attractive than me? Was he more intelligent than me? Richer than me? Just overall better than me?

Now this is where your insecurity becomes irrational... she's obviously attracted to you, you've stated that you guys do get intimate, just not all the way. And if there are any, the only feelings for the ex is probably anger at how he is impacting her relationship with you, long after being gone from her life...

And then just the jealousy plays a factor as well: I have these special intimate moments with my gf, and I just know that some other man in this country has had those same moments and MORE with her.

Again, irrational, that MOMENT, remember you said it was a 1 time thing? It wasn't special and intimate, she felt pressured and then he bloody upped and left even though she went through with it anyway. There's nothing special about that!

My advice? Stop being so bloody self-absorbed. You're a virgin, so what? No really, so what!... does it decrease the value of your life? Does it hinder your ability to function? Does it make you less of a humanbeing?

No.

You know what I can't fathom? The fact that there are people who have vast sexual experience, people that when they fall inlove with an inexperienced partner, wait for them and don't pressure them to catch up or make it an issue. Even though you'd probably expect them to because they're used to having sex as a regular componant of their relationships...

Yet here you are, never had sex and making an issue out of it as if you are being robbed of it.

You can't miss what you've never had...

So yeah, I think that as much as you profess to care about this girl, you're way too self-absorbed and you are minimizing her legitmate problem by focussing on the one you're creating for yourself.

If I were you, I would go see a therapist and work on my insecurity, and I'd help her get to therapy and when we eventually do have sex, beautiful, intimate, loving sex, it will actually be a first for us both.

Honestly though from this post, I don't think you're mature enough to have sex, not with her anyway. She needs someone who can put her first and be sensitive toward her needs, and I don't see you being able to do that with all that you've posted regarding bringing your unfounded insecurities to the table...

ETA: If your gf has any inkling of your jealousy over the TRAUMATIZING way she lost her virginity, the chances of sex with her has decreased considerably...
Just giving you a heads up.

[nepiadeluxe]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Again, irrational, that MOMENT, remember you said it was a 1 time thing? It wasn't special and intimate, she felt pressured and then he bloody upped and left even though she went through with it anyway. There's nothing special about that!

My advice? Stop being so bloody self-absorbed. You're a virgin, so what? No really, so what!... does it decrease the value of your life? Does it hinder your ability to function? Does it make you less of a humanbeing?

No.

You know what I can't fathom? The fact that there are people who have vast sexual experience, people that when they fall inlove with an inexperienced partner, wait for them and don't pressure them to catch up or make it an issue. Even though you'd probably expect them to because they're used to having sex as a regular componant of their relationships...

Yet here you are, never had sex and making an issue out of it as if you are being robbed of it.

You can't miss what you've never had...

So yeah, I think that as much as you profess to care about this girl, you're way too self-absorbed and you are minimizing her legitmate problem by focussing on the one you're creating for yourself.

If I were you, I would go see a therapist and work on my insecurity, and I'd help her get to therapy and when we eventually do have sex, beautiful, intimate, loving sex, it will actually be a first for us both.

Honestly though from this post, I don't think you're mature enough to have sex, not with her anyway. She needs someone who can put her first and be sensitive toward her needs, and I don't see you being able to do that with all that you've posted regarding bringing your unfounded insecurities to the table...

ETA: If your gf has any inkling of your jealousy over the TRAUMATIZING way she lost her virginity, the chances of sex with her has decreased considerably...
Just giving you a heads up.

I totally understand - and it's why I haven't told her about my inner demons - not at all. They're mine and mine to bear alone. It's why I came here seeking advice.

I'm really sorry it has come across as diminishing her problem - I didn't mean that at all. I meant that these are things I'm dealing with in my own head while at the same time trying to help her with her problems. As far as she knows, I'm totally okay with helping and that's all.

I just really need a release for these inner feelings as I haven't found anyone to talk about them with. That's the reason I sound so self absorbed - I'm coming here to try and get as much help for them as I am for my gf.

And I'm not so much jealous of HER sexual experiences as I am jealous of her EX's experiences with her.

I truly am sorry for feeling this way- but these things are the way I feel and I really cannot help it no matter how much I try to. I really don't want to feel this way, but I do and I just cannot stop myself from thinking negative thoughts.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by nepiadeluxe

I totally understand - and it's why I haven't told her about my inner demons - not at all. They're mine and mine to bear alone. It's why I came here seeking advice.

I'm really sorry it has come across as diminishing her problem - I didn't mean that at all. I meant that these are things I'm dealing with in my own head while at the same time trying to help her with her problems. As far as she knows, I'm totally okay with helping and that's all.

I just really need a release for these inner feelings as I haven't found anyone to talk about them with. That's the reason I sound so self absorbed - I'm coming here to try and get as much help for them as I am for my gf.

And I'm not so much jealous of HER sexual experiences as I am jealous of her EX's experiences with her.

I truly am sorry for feeling this way- but these things are the way I feel and I really cannot help it no matter how much I try to. I really don't want to feel this way, but I do and I just cannot stop myself from thinking negative thoughts.

3 words: See a therapist.

I don't mean to sound mean, and sometimes I do because I'm blunt. But seriously, get yourself some help because whether or not you voice these inner demons, they spill over into your relationship anyway, and then you really sit in the dark regarding how to help because u can't pinpoint why you and gf are not making progress...

Your jealousy is irrational, even when directed at him. There's no reason to be jealous of a fktard who pressured someone to have sex and then fkd off.... More reason why you should go see that campus therapist yourself.

Originally Posted by nepiadeluxe

I meant that these are things I'm dealing with in my own head while at the same time trying to help her with her problems. As far as she knows, I'm totally okay with helping and that's all.

Therein lies the problem. You know that you have issues to deal with yourself, but what I don't think you realize is that they are not hers to bear at all. You come with the disclaimer that you know that these demons in your head need to be dealt with but in the next moment you are back to focusing on how you can "help" her with her problem. Here's what I see. you say that you are trying to help her but what's the motivation in that? YOUR satisfaction and soothing of your insecurities. How is this about her having a challenge in life? It isn't. Is she coming to you, saying "I want to have sex now, but can't because of _______, please help me!" ? no. You are thinking of your need for sex from her and this is the motivation behind it. You are trying to "help" her to help YOU. What does she get out of it? You may say sex but have you asked her if that's what she wants right now? Because if she doesn't and you haven't asked, you're no better than her previous bf who coerced her. Just in a more roundabout way that's a bit deceitful.

i realize you're not overtly being deceitful to us or to her, don't get me wrong, I think in essence, you are deceiving yourself, fooling yourself into thinking you're trying to be a help to her.. but I'm telling you the source is that YOU get something out of it. It leaves her out of the equation and tries to fix her problem so you can have sex with her. I don't hear your concern about her needs whatsoever and this concerns me.

And I'm not so much jealous of HER sexual experiences as I am jealous of her EX's experiences with her.

Who friggin cares? 99% chance any woman you meet at your age has has previous sexual experiences. How can you be jealous of her experience when it happened before you existed in her life? Why be jealous of guys that had her sexually before you did while you had no sex? it's not a FRIGGIN COMPETITION. The one that gets any particular girl FIRST is not a winner of any kind, and no one gets a trophy for that. The one that takes care of the girl, makes her happy and loves her wins, and unfortunately we lack trophies for that all the same.

You simply must break free from this monster of jealousy and trust me I know what it's like but it's just not going to make you a good bf. Forget about her issues. Forget about what she may have done in the past. Please just take care of your insecurities and jealousy and from there, things will go much smoother.

I truly am sorry for feeling this way- but these things are the way I feel and I really cannot help it no matter how much I try to. I really don't want to feel this way, but I do and I just cannot stop myself from thinking negative thoughts.

I understand, but sorry is a good start. DO SOMETHING about it. Get a counselor, talk about it to them and work on YOU. don't sit around pitying yourself or even her for the problems. If you love this girl you should want to be a better man.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by nepiadeluxe

So it comes down to that and my jealousy that I haven't had any past experiences but my gf has - and furthermore, she wasn't necessarily WANTING to do her past experiences - she did them mostly solely out of fear of her ex not being happy.

***

I guess it just hurts that she had this meaningful relationship with someone else who was then able to do things (namely, sexual intercourse) with her while I have (after close to 2 years) been unable to.

Hey, you are contradicting yourself - you say that she had intercourse with him out of her desire to keep him happy, and solely out of that, and then go on to say that their relationship was meaningful to her.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Harley47

Well, I'm pretty typically old fashioned in my views on sex, and I do see the virtue in waiting.

The main virtue of waiting is that it builds suspense, and suspense may result in a better experience. But it only works if both people are more or less OK - then the courting period builds suspense on both ends, and ultimately the suspense leads to a terrific sexual debut. At least that is the ideal case scenario.

In this case, both parties are NOT OK. One party was traumatized and suffers from anxiety, and the other party has a negative view of his body, regrets missing out on important opportunities earlier in his life, is insecure, and is given to unjustified jealousy. You cannot cook up some suspense with these ingredients because they are rotten!