[stressed-mummy93]

im 20, and my husband is 23, we met each other almost two years ago, we both have a child from previous relationships and at first that was fine, then around 6 months into the relationship that's when things started to fall apart, but i ignored the issues because i was, and still am totally in love with my husband. after little over a year of being together we got married, from that moment i had taken on his child, it was at that moment that i began to wish i had not married him, his son is only 4 and my son is 3, my son doest see his father, so my husband new he would be taking on the full roll of being a father to my son, a boy needs a man in his life to teach him all about..... well being a man i suppose, but what didn't enter my mind was that i would then be my husbands child's step mother. now i will back track to where all this started before i get into what i want to say.......
everything was fine at first, the boys got along great, yea sure they had their moments and their fall outs but that's kids for you, but then things got out of hand, after around 4 months of being together my husbands child told his mother that i was nasty to him and that i was hitting him, which of course i wasn't, and i never would. the next time my husband had his son over for the night, my husband took him upstairs and asked him if i did do the things he was saying i had, he admitted strait away that i hadn't and that he had lied, now the first time shook me up but i was willing to put it behind me and move on as normal, but then another 3 months later he told my husbands parents the same thing again, and of course this time they started to believe him because as any one would say if a child keeps telling you something is wrong then something must be wrong! my husband rang me to tell me that his son had said that i had hit him again and i was furious, i demanded that he come and fetch me and that i wanted to speak to his son myself and explain to him just how dangerous it is to tell lies about someone, so my husband fetched me and in front of every one i asked his son, i said, ''when have i ever hit you?'' he then replied with '' you haven't'' i then began to ask him why he keeps saying these nasty lies about me and all he could say was that he didn't no. that was the final straw for me, twice he had lied about me, the second time almost ended my relationship, that, i thought, was my breaking point, from then on, (and please don't judge me) i have had, almost a hatred for my husbands son, i dread any time he is due to come to stay, and when he is here i cannot wait for him to go. many other issues have arisen since then that all surround my husbands son, last Christmas, my father rang to ask if he could take my son to see Santa, now my father is not a well man and i no that he wants to put all his energy into his grandson, i said yes but i didn't ask if he would mind taking my husbands son because i thought, well he hadn't offered, we didn't have the spare money to be able to pay for him to as we weren't paying for my son either, my father was, i thought it to be rude of me if i were to ask my father to pay for a child he doesn't even see of have any connection with to see Santa. that's when my husbands parents got involved, pinning all this blame and accusation onto me, despite the fact that they had taken my husbands son to see Santa only days before and not bothered to take my son or even tell us that they were going, we didn't find out until they had already been. there for i saw it as...... they took their grandchild to see Santa but didn't offer to take my son with them and yet they think that they can then fire horrible words at me for not putting my father on the spot about paying for my husbands son to go as well, am i wrong in thinking that they are the ones in the wrong there not me??
just recently as well my husband and i have gotten new jobs, which means that we have to work our hours around the children, i can understand that. my husband is working tonight, tomorrow and then the whole day after tomorrow, he asked if i would look after his child for these 3 days, i said ''yes that's fine but you will have to get his mother to come and pick her son up at around 4ish on the third day because i will struggle to cope with the two boys alone for all this time, i wont be able to cope'' plus in my eyes its not really my responsibility to be having him all that time, im not his mother. yes i understand i have to support my husband but its not fair of him to expect me to have the two boys alone when they act up for me and stress me out, i don't deal well with too much stress, that's down to a separate issue that can wait for a different post. back to my point, my husband agreed and said he would sort it and that it was fine. last night his mother came to our home to visit us and have a cup of tea,my husband began to tell her that he will be having to send his son home early Sunday as he is at work, his mother asked why and i told her because i can't cope with both children alone for too long so im not having both the kids all day, as soon as the words left my mouth the mother was all over me like a bad rash, saying i don't support my husband if i wont have his child, that if i don't have his child then my husband and i may as well go to the divorce courts for our anniversary and get divorced because if i don't have his son our relationship wont work, saying that im a bad mother and that if i cant deal with the stress of children then i shouldn't have had one, f'ing and blinding at me, the whole she-bang, a lot of the things she said to me were really hurtful and to make matters worse because she had decided to start an argument i got confused with the stress, plus i suffer with anxiety and i couldn't get my words out properly and so my husband then instead of standing by my side and supporting me he decided to join in on the shouting at me instead of calming his wild mother and explaining to her what i meant. just to explain to you why i began to get upset, the family i have chosen to marry into are all nuts, they all have a criminal record for either GBH ABH all sorts, the women in this family take on fully grown men and come out on top, where as i don't have a violent bone in my body, so you can imagine im stood in a corner with two of these members of the nutter family screaming everything they can at me, i was petrified and yet horrified that the person i chose to give my life to wouldn't protect me, he joined in!
that night when the mother had gone back home i sat with my husband and asked him why he would behave like he did and i explained my words to him for what they really meant, he understood, although he already new what they meant because we had already discussed the matter before his mother had arrived, days before.
the next day i asked my husband to explain everything to his mother as i wasn't going any ware near her after what i had witnessed the night before, he agreed and his mother picked him up, when he came home he said that he had explained it all to his mother but that she was refusing to let my husbands child come up to our house any more because she said that i don't even want him and that i am a danger to him, which im not, so my husband gave me an ultimatum, either i have to speak to his mother and apologise for what i had done, which was nothing, or the relationship was over, i can see him putting his child first that's part of being a parent but if i had been in his position i would have told his mother to get gone and that its not up to her. but he wouldn't, he wouldn't side with me on any of it, but i could see deep down that he new what i was saying to him was right. so in the end i rang her up and had to apologise for NOTHING because i had done nothing wrong, she then told me on the phone that she still doesn't trust me with her grandchild and that it will take time for her to trust me enough to leave him with me or even let him come to my home and that she has decided that i have a nasty side to me, which yet again i don't, and to make things even more upsetting after apologising to her for nothing i got no apology from her for her behaviour or her horrid words and when i told my husband that she didn't apologise to me he said that she has nothing to apologise for. i don't no what to do any more, there is a huge part of me that loves him and wants to be with him and i no it takes a lot to make a marriage work, but then there is a part of me that is starting to think of ending it all, and im afraid that part of me is growing, what can i do?? if i fight back im in the wrong if i don't fight back im in the wrong, they always say that its me that is in the wrong and yet every time its them in the wrong, and its all because of my husbands child, they dont see the full picture, they see my husband's son as being a little angel and he deserves everything, but hes not, hes just like his mother, i no hes only 4 but i see what he is really like, he's sly and sneaky and he bully's my son because he is older than him. my husbands parents take him to train stations we have here and take him on trains and yet never ask if my son would like to go to, they buy my husbands son expensive presents for christmas despite the fact he breaks all his toys and my sons because he doesnt look after anything, and then give my son cheep tacky toys, my husband wants to buy his son a brand new bike for christmas and give my son the old bike of his sons, i put my foot down there and said if your son is having a brand new bike then so is mine, i told him that he cant keep buying his son the best of everything and giving my son the crap, but i cant win, please, i need some advice, do i stay with my husband and endure battles and hatred or do i leave him and start a fresh?? i dont no what to do anymore, and im tired of cring myslef to sleep every night.

[oldlife_disrupted]

No one can tell you to stay or go, that's your decision. My advice is to begin by identifying the areas in your life where you still need your husband and fix them. Become independent.

Withdraw your support and participation in this relationship. Your son gets presents from you. You watch your own kids. You take care of your own stuff, offer nothing.

In short time your dependence on this person (emotionally and otherwise) will go away. He'll either respond by being willing to cooperate with you or he won't and you'll be able to make a decision from a stronger point of view.

[healingme4me]

Stepgrandparents, need to make things equal and fair, for the sake of the kids, period.
I'd be skittish of attending to, alone, any child that accused me, of hitting them. for that, I wouldn't chance alone with him.
I can appreciate, the stress of minding two kids, not being able to, does not make you, a bad mother.
You don't have more than your son, other than visitation days. You aren't use to having two. You didn't give birth to two. They are close in age. He comes with baggage.
Sounds like a tough, position, to be in.
As a single mum, I don't entirely buy into the concept of a boy needing a man around, to grow into being a man. If there are positive roles models around, he'll be fine. Boys need things, but an unhealthy home life, isn't one of them.


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Originally Posted by healingme4me

As a single mum, I don't entirely buy into the concept of a boy needing a man around, to grow into being a man. If there are positive roles models around, he'll be fine. Boys need things, but an unhealthy home life, isn't one of them.


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While I agree with the idea that there are role models around, I disagree that boys or girls, don't need both parents. As a single dad, I cannot even begin to say that my kids are just fine without their mom or a female authority figure around. I just know it's not true. Can I do it? yes. Can we bring up decent kids without the other parent? sure. But would it be even better with the other parent or opposite sex role model in their life everyday? I believe so.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

While I agree with the idea that there are role models around, I disagree that boys or girls, don't need both parents. As a single dad, I cannot even begin to say that my kids are just fine without their mom or a female authority figure around. I just know it's not true. Can I do it? yes. Can we bring up decent kids without the other parent? sure. But would it be even better with the other parent or opposite sex role model in their life everyday? I believe so.

That would be ideal, yes, a two parent home. Of course, but I wouldn't go around rushing to make it happen, because it's ideal. Can result in settling for less than what's in everyones best interest.

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Originally Posted by healingme4me

That would be ideal, yes, a two parent home. Of course, but I wouldn't go around rushing to make it happen, because it's ideal. Can result in settling for less than what's in everyones best interest.

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Good point made. Rushing around for someone to fill that spot for your kids is the wrong motivation for finding a mate. In spite of it being good for kids, a mate that you find for the wrong reasons would be a bad thing, not only for the kids in the long run but for you.

[Trippin2.0]

Well, you asked, so I'll answer... you go.

Your hubby is a mommy's boy, and not the good kind.

He will always side with his mother, no matter how outrageously wrong she is, and having people gang up on you, people with a history of violence no less, isn't a good environment for you or your son.

Even if you are even slightly ok with this setup, think about what's best for your boy. Sooner rather than later he's gonna notice how different they treat step brothers, he's gonna wonder why he's not good enough for a brand new bike, wonder why he's not invited along for train rides yet the step brother is included and forced upon every activity he's treated to... he's gonna wonder what makes hubby's son so special, and why he doesn't measure up and what he did wrong to not deserve equality.

I'm sorry to say it, but I just don't see this setup working in your boy's favour. Yes a father is important, but at what cost? I'm a single mother, my daughter hasn't had contact with her sperm donor in 5yrs, and while its not ideal, she has healthy male role models such as my brother, her godfather and my bf.

I think you should cut your losses and run, not just because of the treatment of your son and the unfair expectations placed upon you, but also because your hubby doesn't even try.

Trying is half the battle.

[middie]

I too would reiterate all that is said above.

If you continue to have contact alone with the child who has already made accusations about you....you are putting yourself in a terrible situation....the grandmother is accusing you of being unsuitable and a risk to the child so the next time the child makes an allegation she will have all the evidence she need to start a process thatshe is already gunning for and that will leave you in tatters.....

for the sake of your own sanity and your childs....get out of this.....if your husband loves and cares for you he will see that you mean business and it will open his eyes to the fact that you are a strong and independent woman who can stand up for herself and support herself. You have done it before the two of you got together and you can do it again.

You talk of women in your husbands family tackling blokes and coming out on top......well being strong for yourself and standing up for what you believe doesn't mean you have to use intimidation/violence and threats......You can come out on top by maintaining your dignity and looking out for you and your son and moving both of you out of this terrible environment into a safe, secure and nurturing home for you both.

I don't buy the two parents thing.......its ideal yeah......however its not ideal to allow a child to live in a home where his mother cannot function properly for fear of allegations and threats etc and the child will grow up feeling inferior and unstable.

Far better to bring him up with a great mother and other great male role models........sending big hugs x

[Fuzzybear]

[hannabee]

I read your post and I think you and your son deserve better. You have no "ties that bind" (children from him), so you should cut your losses and leave. Find someone who will appreciate and treat you nicely. And the thing about his son accusing you of spanking him is down right SCARY! You could have SERIOUS problems with him down the road, even problems that could cause you to lose custody of your own son. You have a REALLY long life ahead of you!!! Find someone better to spend it with.

[Sam2]

Before you make your decision on whether or not you want to get a divorce, con sider what is best for the children. When parents fight, kids get scared and it can effect them later.

I got divorced about sixteen years ago. My ex was verbally abusive and passive aggressive. She did some pretty nasty things in retaliation, and when I would go to visit him, she would tell the school to ban me from picking him up. If I wanted to take him a park with mountains, she said I was trying to take him across the border and kidnap him. The only reason i didn't put up a fight to keep him was at the time, we lived three states away, and If I made them stay in IN (which was my right), there would be any backup. At home, he would have two sets of grandparents wtihin 20minutes, so she couldn't hurt him as much with her tantrums.

The point is, we are adults that chose to get married. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but there has to be trust and lying is not a good start.
Unfortunately, when you marry someone, you also marry your inlaws as well.
Adding kids with different biological parents is rough. If you decided the marriage is working, then get some counselling, for the adults and the children
Sam2

move on....you and your son. you both deserve better.