When is ENOUGH really ENOUGH?

Dunno how. Dunno why. Dunno when. BUT I AM READY!

Ready to completely let go of this life. Let go of him.

If he's looking into things such as how to move on after an affair, it sounds like he wants to try. You've enough shame and guilt to last a lifetime. It's a matter of working through that. I am not sure, a spot on the floor, is conducive to anyone's wellbeing, just because you aren't some poor hapless animal, deserving of punishment. You made a mistake. You seem remorseful.

I have progressed quite a bit with the help of acceptance.
And I don't want him back anymore cuz I see that he's proud of the decision he's made. And he needs to feel in control for once in his life. And I'm glad for him.
I'm learning to be happy for someone who has hurt me just cuz I love him.

I sure hope he was looking at self improvement websites and not how to get past infidelity. Cuz he's the type who will regret patching up later even if it is his idea.

I jus realised the NUMBER of times he has told me that he has forgiven me for my cheating. The fact is he never did and today is the result of his unforgiveness regardless of what he has voiced in the past.

I was hoping all these days that he get back to me. I was just hoping we both could forgive and move on. But I've realised that we can't do what other couples have managed to do. I was advicing my friend who's In a bad relationship and realised mine is no different and I cud use the advice I gave her to my situation as well.
Never been happy and he's never gonna change cuz he doesn't want to and simply put he doesn't care and truth being he never cared even in the past. He fooled himself and me all these years. Cuz if he cared her have fixed himself BEFORE I was pushed enuff to cheat on him.
I blamed myself all along but how stifling would it be for a wife to not be able to talk to her husband that she had a cancer scare 6 years ago and hasn't told anyone about it. That she almost lost her job for no fault of hers and disgraced in front of seniors and juniors alike. That she almost got raped when trying to find a solution to her husbands unemployment situation.
And alllll through this the only person I wanted to reach out to was him but he was busy being self involved.
Advicing her made me see how I need to move on from someone who will never change.

Bitterness and resentment will go away one day hopefully

Thanks guys really. I've been realising how self centred he's been recently and saw how blind I was. I was never allowed to talk to him. Talking or saying anything caused a fight. The cheating was an outlet for me and if he can use that as an excuse to break up I can only see how blinded and self absorbed he is.

Have come to a point where I'm slowly starting to dislike him which is sad for me. Looking at his flaws helps me move on. But it's also making me dislike him.
It's a catch 22. All my friends n sis with who I've now shared the gory details think I'm a clown to have been with him this long

Last night out of the blue we had a 3 hour "discussion". Our discussions are always arguments.
Our main prob has always been communication. I hav always wanted to be able to communicate. And he's not big on airing and talking what's bothering him.
After a point I was AFRAID to talk to him caused over months and years of being brushed off. So much to the point that I started not communicating imp things to him.

I've had a cancer scare which I hid from him and the world for 6 years. A rape attempt by someone one I knew. Almost getting fired for no fault of mine.
I never told him all this and when I lightly touched these topics yest. I felt convinced that I did the right thing by not tellin him before.
I felt like one of those people from backward countries where the rape is the woman's fault.
He bore his eyes into me bombarding me with questions like " where did he touch u. What did u do. How many times. Why didnt u slap him ". Alllll this said in terse accusatory tones like WHATEVER i did jus wasnt enough and no wonder the guy tried to rape me. I didnt get a micro second of sympathy 5 years after the incident. I was shaken inside out at that time. Shivering like a leaf. Feeling dirty like most sexually assaulted women do. How wud I've handled these questions at tha time????
Which is why I told him. I hope u or ur daughter or ur next wife or any woman close to u never goes through what I did. Or even u. Hope u never go thro something like sexual assault cuz it's not something that's explainiable. The emotions. The unrequired guilt. The million showers after it happens. The fear. The mistrust. The myriad of emotions that only and ONLY a victim will understand.
And I cried after a long time and it made me feel small but it wasn't for him. It wasn't for US. It was a new found realisation of how much I'm disliking this guy everyday and to think he held the centre of my world.

He also said instead of cocooning him from pain and sheltering for disappointments which I did cuz I'm naturally a protective woman, I shudve thrown him to the lions and let reality slap him across his face and maybe what I did by protecting him was wrong. Of course hell say that now cuz he doesn't need protection anymore.
This is the guy who missed a flight on the way to see me and was stranded with no cash at a transit airport until the next day. And THAT RIGHT THERE was reality. What he did then was CRY! If anyone out there tells me THIS man doesn't need protection the that person is mad. I organised money and reminded him he has a mate in that country. I soothed him and no biggie he flew in the next day. Same story happened to me where I was stuck at a transit Airport for 21 hours cuz they offloaded me from the flight cuz I was on a standby ticket. After 21 hours of waiting I rerouted and waited again for 10 hours at a different airport. Didnt cry or reach out to him worried and broken. Life sucks. Get on with it!
I did take care of him like a baby but I had reason to. Even after we broke up once 2 months ago and he decided to change professions I said well whatever works for you. I'm leaving for home from here instead of travelling with u to a new city and departing n rerouting my ticket from there. He cries!!! He says, " aww the minute I decide I dun wanna be in this profession u dun wanna have anything to do with me"
This guy is weak and emotionally brittle WHY THE F... WOULDN'T I BEND BACKWARDS TO PROTECT HIM?
Now all of a sudden me protecting him is the root o the problem.
He goes mebbe u shudnt have and given me the reality the way it is.
Sure I thot in marriages we try and protect our spouse from harm. But that's crazy talk. We shud never protect our spouse. Throw him/her to the lions! What concept of marriage is he all about. "Good luck finding a woman who believes the same warped concept as urs!And THANK YOU. Keep talking. Only makes me see the real you even more"

I find it sooooo hard to shut up and take the high road when he provokes me.
Here I am minding my own business and doing 180 and he comes Along and aggravates me and when he thinks he's done puts on his shoes and wants to go for a walk at frikking 2 am. While I'm not done talking. When it starts to get uncomfy he leaves. Good on him. But [censored] for me!!
He thinks EVERYTHING I do is manipulate him. No emotion of mine is real. They r all manufactured to manipulate him. He needs to stop thinking he's so important!!!
He did something to TEACH ME A LESSON yest when all our marriage he accused me fro trying to teach him lessons. Where in reality I never have. And when I told him that he said "that's right u just manipulate"
I'm dealing with a man with low self esteem who has been fat all his life and a ginger(I dunno how that matters) and has been bullied and picked on by guys and girls alike all his school years. The stories he's told me are pathetic and rage invoking cuz I was the popular girl in school all along and I can't imagine treating my class mates the way he has been treated all his life.
No surprises I wanna be protective to him now.
But his childhood experiences. His depression and whatever the hell that goes on in his head they alllll make me the b@#*h to him.
I've admitted to him that I manipulate people so now he think I manipulate every time I say anything to him. There I was trying to frikking share my negative points with this guy and I get done for it.

We r frikking OVER and still he fights and storms out and accuses me o stuff.
One of His favourites.... It sounds like I'm lecturing him!!!
I do have an authoritative voice. I do, as a matter In fact hold a job that requires me to be so and have been all my life when I'm trying to make a point. Which is why when I am trying to convey a point to him I clearly say I'm not preaching and carry on talking. Cuz my tone IS preachy!!!! So I make an effor but with emotions involved I can't check my tone and THAT'S WHY I put up a disclaimer.
When I try to ask him something which FOR SURE I know he'll take it the wrong way. I give a disclaimer "I mean no offence" and go ahead with the question. And my firs language isn't English so there have been times when he's misunderstood my intentions in the past and pounces on me. So I make sure I tell him. Hey I mean no harm. I come in peace. When I can do that. He, Well he's just happy not to gimme benefit of doubt and has his golden chance to pick a fight.

I dunno what good alll this rambling is. Cuz finally mebbe I'm getting an outlet regardless of replies or advices it feels like SOMEONE is listening which I never had in my marriage.

So hard to 180 living in the same house. Can't wait for the 9th when ill be rid of all this.
One day if he has any frikking conscience and a brain he will see how he messed up. Or he can be happily oblivious thanks to his warped sense of reality.