I Need to Learn to Accept that my Mom will Never Love Me Again

I had a fairly normal childhood, not too rich or poor, parents argued but not horrible until later. My mother was rather self-involved and always left all the decision making to me (such as picking out groceries when I was five, and making a cake for the church bizzaar at six). She left me at home on weeknights with my baby brother and four year old sister when I was nine so she could have a date night with my dad. So not a perfect Mom.

But when I began to crumble under the weight of bullying (we moved every year and I was always the smartest kid in every class, which was not a popular thing for a girl) and became depressed in high school, she began ignoring me a lot.

I came home from my East Coast college (paid for by a scholarship I earned by being Merit Scholar) and told her my counselor advised hospitalization for me, she screamed, "No! No!" and ran from the room.

I have had various ups and downs, pretty severe.

I am now 55 and she is 84, and she will barely speak or look at me, and hasn't in twenty years. My father died when I was thirty. My aunts and uncle dislike me intensely and I pretty much have no family at all. This is tough at Christmas.

As my mom gets older, I keep wanting desperately for her to love me as I am. I know she never will, but I need to find out how to detach, because I am going downhill over this. Any talk of mothers or how people are supported by their families makes me physically sick.

Does anyone have advice or even similar stories? Thank you.

I think you are looking at an alligator and wanting it to be a bunny. She will always be an alligator. Its up to you to understand she is ignorant and limited.
I think it would be healthier to see other people's good relationship with their family's as at least they didn't have to go through what you did and are going through. That would be a lot more positive way to look at the situation.

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Hi Zelda. So sorry you are so sad at the moment. Christmas always throws the light on peoples true colours and troubles. I speak from some experience about accepting our difficult parents. One day after years of trying to put it all together and make things right I realized, light bulb moment style, that my father in particular had never fully grown up. Like a voice in my head I coined this phrase `just because they are parents doesnt make them grown ups' I had to accept that at 27 yrs his junior I was wiser. In fact many a time you see older headed children belonging to immature parents. Immature as in they cant deal with themselves and put others before them, even if thee others are children. My parents were both alcoholics for different reasons and all the trimmings that go with it.

Other than that your Mum may have some undiagnosed MI/PD. Kind thoughts to you. Be proud you got through. Please dont beat yourself up. She is one person not the world. You sound like a kind thinking caring person. Something she has yet to learn.

Zelda, you are not alone. My mother never forgave me for "breaking my head". I "embarrassed her".

Chin up. You're okay with us.

Unfortunately, I can't throw away or forget my desire for mother love. I try to live with it, but the closeness of a family is something I have always longed for. I don't resent people who have it, I am happy for them. But I am unhappy for myself. I know I am not the person my mother wanted for a daughter and when I was less depressed, it didn't bother me as much. But now that her time on earth is limited, I am sadder and sadder that we could never have that bond that comes so naturally to cats and coyotes.

I'm the same way, I want my mother's approval, but all she does is
look at me like I am a nothing, loser, etc.. It feels like everything
I do is not enough, no matter how hard I try.

I sent Christmas Cards to all of them (Mother, Pop, Sister, and Brother) and all I got back was a facebook message of "those cards wont mend anything" adittude.... What now?

How about being straightforward and honest and just maybe you'll receive a straightforward and honest response in return?

How about accepting or challenging what they actually literally say as opposed to their attitude and your perception of said attitude?
i.e: "those cards won't mend anything attitude" is an observation based on your perception. Nothing about that statement tells us what was actually exchanged on either side.

The attitude you are percieving may not be reality at all, and idk either way because I'm just an avatar on a screen.

Maybe these people are just emotionally distant because that's how they are? Idk

My point is you need something concrete in order to know which action to take. Likewise so do we if we are to attempt to guide you...

So my advice is this.
Be blunt, be honest, no beating around the bush with gestures and implications.

Tell them you're sorry if you contributed in any way to whatever has led to such a rift, and ask them if there is a way to mend fences between you.

Clarity is simple yet powerful.