Giving my ex another try

So basically my ex husband had cheated on me three different times in my life. When we were married in 1997, when we were trying to get back together in March 2010 and last summer when I gave him yet another chance. I know most of you are going to think I'm an idiot and haven't learned anything from the past, but I love him and have forgiven him and I really do think this time will be different. I don't know how, I just do. Our communication is so much better. He's grown as a person. My mom asked if I am ready to handle it if I get hurt again, and I think I'm more mentally stable than I have ever been. So yeah, I am. I am seeing him tomorrow and laying down the ground rules.
Any advice on some rules I should have besides the obvious no cheating, no lying...

I don't mean to sound snarky, but I don't see how rules will be relevant when he's so comfortably broken vows... Vows are much "stricter" than rules.

Uhmmm full disclosure would be a good place to start, but people know how to erase their tracks, eg email, text, call history... Guess its worth a go though.

In all honesty, I really don't think this is a good idea, but I also honestly wish you well.

You might make a rule for yourself that starts: from this day forward I will... and fill in the blank there. That way you are in control of your life, not your hubs in control of your life.

You are NOT an idiot!! You just seem to have the same issue many of us have: low self-esteem.
A book that really helped me, "Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway", by Susan Jeffers... great book.
Good luck with all

I think you should try to understand why he does cheat. Ask him honestly to know if it has been his lifestyle a long time back. May be he is not satisfied in bed or simply get bored. Some men love to 'taste' spoilt ladies or battle with lust. Some men are very sexually active that the moment their partner is not close and they are in the mood, they switch to the most available. Try to understand the pattern to it and possibly break the circuit of thinking and action or seek help or prayers.

Is he in counseling? Are you? Marriage counseling? Rules sound nice, but as the saying goes, 'rules are made to be broken.'

They say, that people who cheat are 'conflict avoidant.' That may be something to look into.

He's been cheating on and off, for the past 16/17 years. With this summer, being the last time.

You've forgiven him, you state, yet you self-ridicule yourself, with negative name talking of yourself.

How has the communication improved? Do you have kids between you? What brings the two of you, back together, time and again? To say, we love someone is fine and dandy, what's to love of another who thinks so little of your feelings, that they'd turn around and hurt you so many times?

I dont' want to rain on your parade but I have to be honest with you. By your multiple times forgiving and trying to move on after he screws you over again and again, is more an enabling behavior than anything at all. He knows he will not lose you, so what's his motivation for even trying to be different? Without him facing the real consequence, i cannot in good conscience, say that i believe with you - that it will be different. it's part of the cycle. it's the "honeymoon" phase, after being caught, the perpetrator, cheater, etc will be "good' for awhile, usually only to get past your initial anger and the threat of your wrath. When that's gone, 9/10 they go back to the old behavior having had no real consequences to face. Your "words" and "ground rules" more than likely mean nothing. I am not saying this to make you feel bad but be wise in your future.. Please be wary. Most likely it wasn't the last time.

I will definitely look for that book. It's usually easy,my daughter manages a book store! THANKS for the info!

Well we had a good talk today about our future. We want to take it really slow (last year we just jumped into it full force) and we talked about honesty and trust. I told him he can tell me anything, bad or good, I can handle it. Even if he doesn't want to try anymore. Even if he wants to see other people. Just tell me. I just want us to be on the same page at all times. It's a start...

Did he give any indicators as to why he wasn't committing to this, before? And with indicators, has he expressed being in tune what leads him down this path, so that he can be more aware and mindful, in order to not bring you harm?

He made bad choices on a whim. He didn't think before he acted. That's why this time we're talking it really slow. If he has any doubts, I told him to just tell me right away, I can handle it.
So far, the only people who know are my Mom and my daughter. My Mom is weary but ultimately wants me to be happy. She said if I think I can handle another disappointment then try. She trusts my judgement and I am grateful for that.
Our daughter, on the other hand, says she doesn't trust him at all and is tired of seeing me hurt. She has been my rock for so long, and I value her opinion so very much, but ultimately it's my choice.
I really want one more shot at being happy with him.

Why don't you start couples counseling with him to start the healing process with someone who can help you learn and establish a healthy relationship?

Honestly old habits die hard. You can tell him to be honest but he wont unless he's taught to and practices it. Couples counseling provides the foundation because it forces both of you to look at what you nay have lacked. It could also show you how much he's willing to work for the relationship. If not this then a workbook or something.

So I've been out of it for a while...
But I have been seeing my ex regularly for lunch or a visit at least once a week. He has been very supportive and kind. I feel like he and Ashley are the only ones that I am completely normal around. We're taking realllllly slow. It's nice getting supportive texts from him every now and then.
He said he'd come to my bipolar support group with me. (They have a group for family/friends of those with bipolar at the same time as my group)
I just wish I had been diagnosed 20 years ago when I was rapid cycling and basically lost him. My life could be so different right now.

I don't believe for one minute it was your bi polar that created this between your ex and you.

If your daughter isn't respecting this, why do it?

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