[Strive4health]

Recently, I have been doing a lot of thinking about the outcome for my life and what I've done in my life so far. I think I've sort of reached some kind of quarter midlife crisis or a little beyond a quarter life crisis, but not a midlife crisis.

What I did to evaluate what I've done in my life is identified a couple of patterns. The first pattern is I tend to allow others or things hold me back from taking good calculated risks in life that could open up a lot of good learning opportunities. The other pattern is I tend to bond with people who are going through a lot of struggles, but all it does is brings me down with them because I end up getting treated so poorly.

I consider myself a really understanding person, but often I don't see that reciprocated. What I encounter a lot is "listen I had to suffer a lot too, so what is the big deal? get over yourself." There is a LOT of "get over yourself" philosophy out there in a world where we could really give more compassion and empathy.

The best way for me to explain that piece is to give an example of the last friendship I had. It was very short-lived and what eventually lead to its end was a difference in needs. I thought I was a good friend to her and we really understood each other because of our life struggles. As time went on though, I started to see more of her bad side and she would obsess over certain people or things. It didn't matter how positive or encouraging I was to her, she'd always slide back into those behaviors. Eventually what happened is I made an attempt to reach out to her because I cared about how she was doing and what I received in return was very rude behavior-- behavior that was not warranted for a friend. Since then, I've slowly detached myself from the friendship but it still sucks.

Things like that happen to me all the time, and I have nearly given up on friendships. After that happened I did some honest reflection and then decided I can't allow myself to be part of relationships and behaviors that only bring me down and I need to set good boundaries. My husband and I recently had a breakthrough with our relationship, and I told him this. I am at the point in life where I don't want someone to bring me down with them and then leave me behind in the dust.

I told this to a close relative of mine and her criticism was that there are a lot of people out there who are in my shoes and could appreciate some kindness and understanding, but what I am doing is shutting them out. She said I'm also looking for kindness and understanding and it's not fair for me to desire that from others when I won't give it in the first place. My response to that was I am willing to give those things, BUT they have to be in healthy boundaries and mutual respect. I was then told that can't always happen because people are human and they make mistakes.

Am I being unreasonable to want to be in friendships with people who want to be healthy, respectful, and have good boundaries? It is unreasonable for me to avoid friendships with people who eventually are going to bring me down? It took me a long time to come to this realization about myself, and a lot of hard honesty, and at this point in my life I want to progress and move forward but I'm also human at the end of the day.

[hannabee]

Maybe you could look at things a little differently? No one can bring you down but you. You can choose to see others strife as "their path" and then be quite thankful for "your path". Many people here are suffering with mental illness, so I guess that is why you did not get any responses. I think they see themselves as that "friend" who might bring you down.
Sometimes people who are going through "hard times" need the proverbial "Pollyanna"...they need someone in their life to bring them "up". You could inspire, not require. And at the end of the day, you are then a "human" who is being humane. Hang in there...friendships do get easier with maturity!

[catsrhelm]

I was taught that it is better to have a few close really good friends whom you can count on when the chips are down, then to have a mess of fair-weather friends.

[Strive4health]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Maybe you could look at things a little differently? No one can bring you down but you. You can choose to see others strife as "their path" and then be quite thankful for "your path". Many people here are suffering with mental illness, so I guess that is why you did not get any responses. I think they see themselves as that "friend" who might bring you down.
Sometimes people who are going through "hard times" need the proverbial "Pollyanna"...they need someone in their life to bring them "up". You could inspire, not require. And at the end of the day, you are then a "human" who is being humane. Hang in there...friendships do get easier with maturity!

What I'm saying is being humane and trying to be a positive influence to people is sucking the life out of me. I only have so much to give, but when people treat me poorly and don't want to engage in a real reciprocal friendship I don't think I should have to continue the relationship. Why? Here's where I am at now-- I choose to be part of these friendships with people, so I would rather choose to set limits or not be part of these friendships at all.

I know what it's like to have a mental illness. I have had depression since I was a child and PCOS makes the depression worse. I'm at the point in my life now where I don't think it's beneficial for me to wallow anymore or keep befriending people who want to wallow. I'm more of a person of action now and I want to live life instead of seeing it pass me by.

[hannabee]

Fair enough! There is nothing wrong with what you are saying!!

[Strive4health]

Originally Posted by catsrhelm

I was taught that it is better to have a few close really good friends whom you can count on when the chips are down, then to have a mess of fair-weather friends.

I also was taught that too, but I have trouble keeping even one close friend who I can count on. It's why I've grown so cautious of people.

There is one person who is a friend who I met last summer- they are still my friend. Everyone else who actually a friend I've known for many years... I think after that person I met last summer my next newest friendship is like 7 years old.

I thought I had a good friend, who I could trust and count on and who I really cared for. It's complicated, but she basically told me to go to hell over her getting a new car. ...I was upset that she didn't bother to be too responsible about something that could totally screw me over [see: put her getting a new car over all the the other things in life- like bills and rent. Our rent.], and so now she hates me. Like, legitimately HAAATES me.

This is someone who said "i could never hate you, I love you too much for that too happen".

This is why I'm not looking for any more friends until further notice. The person i met last summer was just some kind of weird luck that was thrust upon me- but most of my relationships suffer at this point because I probably just give too much creedance to the idea that we should take care of each other.

So... I put a lot into a friendship, and then people just turn on me.
This is not a paranoia "everyone is out to get me" thing. This is more like.. no one cares. No one really cares about the people they say they do, no one holds to their word, very few people actually think they should take care of each other. People throw around the words "love" and "friend" SO carelessly.

It makes me horribly sad. So, no. My friendship card is full at this point, and that's kind of how I plan to keep it.

I get that feeling, absolutely.

[Strive4health]

I totally hear you Josie. That's why I don't think I'm being unreasonable even though a lot of people would say I am. I see that people don't care, so why should I throw myself into their attitude so they can bring me down? It's just not worth it. I have to deal with depression too, so I would rather not get myself into a situation where I just feel depressed and the only person to blame is myself.

[hvert]

I feel like your first post describes some of the realizations I've had about my life and my friendships. How did I get to my 30s without figuring some of this stuff out? I'm glad your realizing this sooner so you can develop healthier relationships!

You are not a bad person for having boundaries or for wanting to have balanced, healthy relationships. It's extremely difficult to see someone who is in pain and to stop yourself from reaching out -- but you can't fix the world's problems or even that person's problems.

When you don't reach out or offer free dumping ground service, they'll find someone else who will. It's also amazing how quick some of these people are to dump you the minute you set even a small boundary-- which really highlights what kind of 'friendship' you were participating in.

What's even worse is that while you are spending all of your time with draining people, you're missing out on time you could be spending developing reciprocal relationships.

Do you ever feel like you attract draining people? Like you are just sitting there and they seem to flock to you? What I've finally figured out is that if you shut those people down ASAP, it opens up space for healthier conversations. If you are busy listening to someone drone on about their problems, no one else is going to stop by to join the conversation.

Have you read about narcissists at all? I found some of that literature explained my situation and behavior patterns very, very well.

[healingme4me]

Feel like you've described part of my life.

What stuck out, to me, the friend who said you aren't giving kindness and understanding

People like that, quick to criticize.

You aren't being unreasonable.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Strive4health

Am I being unreasonable to want to be in friendships with people who want to be healthy, respectful, and have good boundaries? It is unreasonable for me to avoid friendships with people who eventually are going to bring me down?

The problem I see is one cannot know a person ahead of time and what people want and how they behave is often at odds; you are complaining about behavior (getting into relationships with people who don't appear healthy, respectful and have good boundaries) but what are we doing in those relationships in the first place ourselves? To be so makes us one of "them". Too, I do not see how one can avoid people who "eventually" are going to bring one down? One cannot know the people before meeting and getting to know them?

I feel like it is like being a "C" student and wanting to be around Rhodes Scholars? One first has to become a Rhode Scholar one's self and then one will naturally be around those scholars. We cannot learn to set boundaries around people who already have good boundaries.

Originally Posted by Perna

The problem I see is one cannot know a person ahead of time and what people want and how they behave is often at odds; you are complaining about behavior (getting into relationships with people who don't appear healthy, respectful and have good boundaries) but what are we doing in those relationships in the first place ourselves? To be so makes us one of "them". Too, I do not see how one can avoid people who "eventually" are going to bring one down? One cannot know the people before meeting and getting to know them?

I feel like it is like being a "C" student and wanting to be around Rhodes Scholars? One first has to become a Rhode Scholar one's self and then one will naturally be around those scholars. We cannot learn to set boundaries around people who already have good boundaries.

Boundaries work both ways, but it seems the OP is speaking more of respect and consideration than JUST boundaries. If you are respectful and considerate but don't have practice with good boundary setting, you will reconsider if you value the friendship and see your behavior is hurting someone you say you care about.

One can absolutely learn about good boundary setting from people who already have good boundaries- because most of the time they are pretty explicit about it, and why they are or are not doing X... you learn by example.

You can not know all about a person when you first meet them, but if they balk at you saying you can not do X, Y, Z for them because it negatively affects you [but you do support them in ways that are respectful of both of your needs]... they are not a great friend.

This is not a crazy idea: that i express what I can and can not do within the confines of a relationship and express when my needs are not being met because the other party is not being respectful of them, and the other person does the same.

What is crazy: the idea that my needs do not matter, the other person's needs always do, and I am a bad person if i want to take care of myself.

People who have depression or any other number of mental issues do not necessarily have to "bring other people down". It is how they treat those they care about and how respectful they are that matters. I have some friends with issues that are at times debilitating [I have those issues myself], but I feel they understand I have to take care of me, and at some point they are ultimately responsible for their well being.

But it's not like we don't cry on each others shoulders or that I won't talk to a friend at 3 in the morning or help them come up with solutions for something.

And health relationships require work from both parties- some people are simply used to relationships with little to no work. They are often not terribly rewarding in my experience.

[Strive4health]

Josie's got it. I think I need to explain some of the results the last friendship I had.

She was older than I am and she liked me because of my maturity level and also we understood each other from having poor pasts. We also shared classes together and had a few other things in common such as interests and viewpoints. I know what her situation was and she was dealing with a lot.

I thought I was being kind and understanding when I would do favors for her, such as giving her food (she sometimes couldn't afford to buy food), doing small favors for her, offering to help out, and I gave her emotional support without the expectation of ever having it returned. When others would talk badly about her and I heard, I didn't spread gossip and defended her instead.

This woman was not a malicious person by nature. I think she is dealing with a lot but I've dealt with a lot too, so it in no way gives people permission to treat those close to you like crap. One time I saw her and honestly just wanted to know she was okay and she completely blew me off as if I was wasting her time. It was the way she did it which really got to me and then I started thinking about these things.

I have allowed myself to be treated poorly by others in the past because I allowed disrespectful behavior. I am the type of person who believes there is ALWAYS a better way to say something or do something, but I also cannot keep tolerating this behavior. Yes, respect is also something I value and desire. I have a mental illness too, and have struggled with it since childhood and since then have learned part of my problem is I allow these things to happen, further fueling my depressive episodes. I'd like to think of it as taking care of myself and it's something that's been neglected far too long. This last friendship was an eye opener because I decided for once, not to ignore what I thought and felt. Everyone has a bad day, and then there's just inexcusable behavior.