just another rambling

so its been a week. i havent messaged him he hasnt messaged me. i miss him. i know its not healthy to dwell on someone that doesnt want me but here i am doing it. ive been going back over the things he said to me and why i decided to break things off. and even though i know that it was the right thing to do considering he was constantly tellin me he wasnt sticking around i am hurt that he told me he finally found someone he wants to stick around for. what a jerkface. whyd he have to tell me he found someone better than me. im a good person i can understand him not being happy with me because i broke up but why be a jerk when i try and make up. and to have moved on so quickly with someone so far away to boot. i normally would fight but not this time. why am i not worth it???? thats where this line of thinking takes me. to me not being worth something worth fighting for. now im alone and hes with someone being all happy from what i know. i know this is back and forth on my part where i am the one that ended it but also that tried to get back together. maybe i should make sure where i stand before i make snap judgements. thats what breaking up was a spur of the moment thing that happened without me even thinking about it. it just happened the words came out and it was over. in recall it was totally surreal. i didnt want to be left so i left. i dont know as if i saw an ending when i was breaking up. im not even sure why exactly i did it as my original conversation was to invite him over for new years not to break up:\
look its been a month since weve been apart but a week since he messaged me last it shouldnt bother me this much for this long. it was only a few months out of my life.
how do you stop this train of thought when it just brings you down.

I just left my 5 1/2 yr relationship and it is about to kill me. I am getting through each day. I think you and I both are worth more than these men have apparently made us feel. May I ask, is he bi polar or have any issues? What happened that caused this?

no im the one with issues. the only thing is he said he doesnt develop attachements to people. the only person he is attached to is his son. which i get that

Do you think you're as much looking for little security, someone you can trust, looking for someone to be there for you in amongst the "missing him"? If so he really doesn't sound like he can give you that to me and it does sound like you did the right thing breaking up with him.
Of course you're probably going to have a lot of conflicting emotions right now trying to make sense of things and having memories/confusion (?) going around in your head, but if you just give yourself a little more time then you're going to know more in yourself that whatever happens you've made the right move. Even if it was only a few months I'm sure you invested in the relationship working so it's got to hurt. Maybe if you keep seeing it as it's better you ended it now than down the line that may help a bit though.
As for his attitude afterwards then, to me, it just sounds like a reflection of how insensitive he sounded in the relationship, so maybe proves you right in ending it?
As for feeling that you weren't worth more well perhaps spin that around to HE wasn't worth YOU. Just because he couldn't see how worthwhile you are doesn't mean it's not true and hey, why go with his judgement if he's the kind of person who can treat people that way??? Why give his judgement more respect than it needs.
I do know it's probably hit you hard though, just remember that not everyone is going to be like him and you now have the opportunity to meet someone better at some point in time.
So any thoughts on the relationship you had with him, remind yourself they don't matter, what's done is done and you now have chance to move onto onwards and upwards.
Best wishes
Alison

Hi, I learned something I'd like to share with you, if you want to hear it, sometimes things don't work out...even if you REALLY love someone there is no guarantee of anything.
Its ok for people to have different likes and dislikes, someday you may have to give someone else the same kind of news, because you found someone else that was a better fit for you.
But, in the meantime, don't create multiple relationships, which is what it sounds like he did. You can't control what other people do, only what you do, hold off on getting intimate until you know you can really trust someone, because if you get news like this, it hurts so much more than if you were keeping it on a more friendship level...without sex...

It has taken me over a year and the questions still creep into my head about why things happened the way they did. I wasn't in a physical relationship with him, but the emotional connection was strong and things ended in a very unsettling way for me. I put an end to it when his contact with me became infrequent.

Time helps. It will get better. I still dwell, but the hurt is less as things move forward. It helps to discuss when you need to; cry when you need to; move on when you need to. There is no set framework for this sort of thing.

You don't. The more you try, the harder it is. I've stopped beating myself up over it. I just have to let it be. If my initial reaction is "why?", I try to turn it into "well, isn't that interesting?" When my feelings are acknowledged, they are more likely to drift off rather than hanging around constantly knocking on my forehead shouting "pay attention to me!"

I made my decision to stop contacting him. Tough. Once it began to set in, the days began to grow shorter...less harsh. Now, he sometimes floats to mind. I wave hello and often he floats away as quickly as he arrived.

I can deal with that now.

I wish you all the best with this journey. It won't be easy. You will struggle. But as the days pass, things will change. You will heal.

he contacted me today. asking how i was. i said good trying to make things look better than i actually feel. his response cool. so i ask him how he is doing and he said busy with work and gym time getting prepared for his vacation home to puerto rico. i really enjoyed our tiny talk. he never mentioned the new woman so i am happy about that. doesnt mean they arent still together and happy but at least i didnt have to hear about it.
only thing is i wonder why he bothered to contact me. it has been a week after all. is it just to make me think about him? does he miss me perhaps? questions im sure i will ponder. i know i didnt have to answer but i felt compelled to at least let him know i am ok.
my mind is at ease for a little while but only because of the contact. no more wondering if he will or wont. ha. now to start that mind set over.
i thank all of you for your input it has helped me have a clearer perspective. like im not going crazy and its all normal.

Since, you've chosen to end things, because he couldn't offer you what you wanted/needed, and he then tossed it at you, that he was already newly involved, and now contacting you; Sounds like a person unable to show you, the respect that you deserve.

Be careful that you don't allow yourself to be 'on the hook', he may be fishing for just that, so remain distant, even if you are screaming your head that you want and need to be with him, just give him the impression of "meh-whatever" if and when he comes to you in the future.
A lot of people get that later, being left on the hook when the one they want is out doing other people...hoping against hope that they'll come back again...and if they do, they'll take off again as soon as its conveniant, how sad, you don't want to be that person...and this guy sounds exactly like the type to do that.

I completely agree with cdnomore.

Just out of curiosity, how long did it take you to respond? I assume this was through text or a message. I always try to made myself a promise that if he ever got in contact with me after being distant for a while that I wouldn't immediately jump on the message. That reeked of desperation in my situation. But it never worked. I think it's a good strategy to make yourself wait to reply. That might actually make you realize that you might not even need to reply; that it's not necessary and then you can break free of what is potentially damaging you further.

Hi, yeah I completely agree with the above. It can be real easy to get sucked back in, start wondering "what if'"s and downplaying the rest. Just keep remembering why you don't want to be with him any more.
You've broke free so just focus on making the most of that freedom, and what he's thinking, what he's doing now is kind of immaterial. He made his choices now it's time for you to make yours: and one's that are going to lead to you being happier.
Alison

it was through text. i didnt respond right off. it was a few hours later that i got to the message. i thought i did quite well in waiting lol.

thats what im wondering if he wants it for me to be sucked back in. you know why bother if you are in this supposedly committed relationship with someone new? now im sure i wont hear anything again but its going to be in the back of my mind. do they do it on purpose?

Not everyone, has a 'motive'. Not everything, is done 'purposefully' as to cause harm. Some people, live in a world of confusing emotions, themselves.

Living in a world of second guessing everyone elses motives, frames of references, et al, leads us, to not being able to control the one thing, that we can, which is our own reactions and emotions.

It could be a case of cat and mouse. Push/pull dynamic.

Breaking up, brings about a certain blow to the psyche. One feels hurt, cast aside and feelings of a certain level of inadequacy occurs(am I that unlovable, am I that horrible of a person, does this person truly despise me, and on and on and on the questions spin a web in the mind). Part of the healing process from break ups, I've learned through the years, is that a level of acceptance needs to be reached in the grief process. Acceptance, that yes, the feelings were at one point mutually genuine. It's just, right here, right now, this wasn't the best possible relationship for me, because if it were, then I wouldn't be feeling so much pain.

I'm sure, it's not that he doesn't have an affection for you, it's just it didn't work out, like either of you hoped it would, initially, when you went down that path. ((and with that type of acceptance, it's about not going back to something that didn't work, it's about moving on, with the wherewithal to know that you are worthy of someone to come along and treat you in a mutually compatible and respectful way. Moving on, is about freeing up your emotional space and pains so that you are open/available(completely emotionally available) to someone new.))