Broke up with boyfriend last night, looking for support :'(

I broke up with my boyfriend of 11 months last night. For the first 6-7 months of the relationship, I felt better than I ever had with anyone before, and felt confident that I had finally found "the one." After those initial months, I began feeling increasingly anxious, and then fell into a depression. I no longer felt love for my boyfriend, could no longer be affectionate or enjoy my time with him. As time went on, everything he did irritated me and I became repulsed and afraid of his touch. He is very attractive, and in the beginning I felt I had never been so attracted to anyone in my life. I don't understand why my feelings changed so drastically, and I couldn't stand to stay in the relationship knowing I have nothing to give. It was tearing him up, yet he was not able to leave me. He was stuck on the hope that the relationship would turn back into the way it was in the blissful beginning. I feel absolutely sick about letting him down, and fear that at 32 years old, I still do not know myself enough to form a lasting relationship. I'd like to have a family some day, but I'm afraid I'm too far behind at this point.

I have finally found a therapist who is confident he can help me work out my mental health issues as long as I don't give up. He is also a psychiatrist, and has not diagnosed me, but indicated that I do not have "primary Axis I diagnosis" which implies PD traits. I'll be seeing him once a week.

I feel like I am only just beginning my journey to recovery, and it's frightening. I have broken off every relationship in my adult life. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I hope it's not too late for me.

(((hugs)))

O my lord, you sound like I used to be!
Only I didnt seek therapy and am now 43.
Stick with therapy and you will learn so much about why you do the things you do. That is my one regret. I waisted too many years in pain and causing pain in relationships. And its NEVER too late. Welcome to PC!

Sent from my SCH-S720C using Tapatalk 2

Hopefully your therapist will be helpful as you work on recovery. I hear strength in that plan for your journey to recovery. As for the other relationships that you've broken off, maybe you just need some space/distance right now?

I'm sorry to hear about your break up They are never easy to experience, but from what you have said it might be good to have some time to focus just on you for a while - especially if you weren't happy. It's good that you have found a decent counselor. I really hope he can help with your concerns

I hope, in time, you are able to tap into, what it is, specifically about him, that was irritating to you. You've seemed to have struggled with how you felt about him, since your arrival here, in PC. Sure, he was attractive, but I'd venture to guess, it's more than just your depression, at root here.

Then, in the future, you'll be more aware of what you really want and need from any relationship. Sometimes, in the spirit of not vilifying another, we spend too much time blaming our depression(s).

To Add:This has me thinking about my stepsister and a state of mind, that my stepmom brings to the table. Stepmom, as I was going through the divorce, asked me, what was I going to do, without a man around the house? Stepsister, is with this career successful workaholic, stepsisters path in life was a troubled one. Stepmom, pushes her to realize this is the best she's going to get. Stepsis, is going through the aa steps, at this point. Has wanted to leave, on many occasions. She's not happy, but she has a family of origin mindset, that this is the best she'll ever get. Especially after her troubled past. She 'needs' to keep a meticulous home. She hardly sees her workaholic, but you know, he's wealthy. She's not happy, but this is the best she's going to get, so on many levels, its stay or be alone for the rest of her life.

Sometimes, we are socialized in certain ways, that affect us. I truly hope, you do, indeed tap into what it is about him, so that you don't follow that path again, and once on it, remain in misery, and alone in a relationship.

I have a similar kind of problem, in that my past relationships haven't gone well. Recently I also decided that I should seek counselling. I suppose it's taken me the better part of 10 years to reach that conclusion. I think you are wise to take some time to work on yourself before embarking on another relationship.

I am 33 and I am at the opposite of the spectrum. I can't hold on to relationships because I am too needy and want too much from a guy. They all push ME away.

But since we are around the same age, I will say this, it is NEVER too late. I have been and still am in therapy for the past 7 years and I have been in good relationships and bad ones over my time in therapy and it was always great to know I had someone with an objective opinion in my corner.

Therapy is the way to go, and this place is great too! Welcome to PC!