[BNLsMOM]

Hi I have posted here before about the issues my husband and I have and I thought we were doing OK after a talk that I thought was very honest.

Tonight, I went to plug in my phone and my husband's iPad was hooked up to the cord, so I unplugged it so I could hook up my phone and some messages lit up on his screen from a fetish website. I shouldn't have, but I clicked on the message and his password screen came up. I know his password because he lets out son play games on the iPad so I typed the password in and this email account came up full of messages from the fetish board. At first I figured he was just curious so I was going to let it go, but then an email caught my eye. He has been answering ads on CraigsList and looking for sex dates. He even told someone that he has a flexible work schedule and could meet during the day. Incidentally, he has told me that he is so busy at work that he can't get away to meet me for coffee at lunch time.

So, I don't know if he has made any of these meetings happen, but the fact that he is soliciting and looking for local people has me worried that he will escalate and begin to actually meet these people. He even gave one his cell phone number.

I had decided I was going to stay with him because we have kids, but I don't know if I can handle this. I don't even know how to approach him about this. I emailed my therapist telling him about this and I have requested that he call me on my cell tomorrow.

I am FREAKING OUT!

I know I would never do this, but I am so tempted to email this secret account and tell him that he needs to pack up and leave.

We just bought a minivan in his name yesterday. I am afraid I would end up homeless if we divorced, but I don't know if I can live with this. I know it is probably an addiction, and that he probably needs my support but I don't know if I can handle supporting someone who basically ignores me sexually and wants to go out and have sex with others (not just regular sex, he wants kinky things according to the emails).

I just don't know what to do, what to think...I am shattered by this.

[hamster-bamster]

You really need a lawyer. I don't know if this kind of discovery is relevant, but if you can take screen captures or forward messages to you private address, then do so. Oh, and stop talking about addictions and his need for your support...

Don't talk to H until you get to see a family lawyer. Otherwise y ou might make wrong moves.

[shezbut]

((((BNLsMOM))))

It sounds as though you could use a lot more support and care than you're currently getting from your H. Maybe he does have some sort of sexual addiction.

Right now, however, I think that you should put your focus on taking care of yourself and your child(ren). I hope that your T contacts you first thing tomorrow and is willing to see you ASAP, to help you clear your mind and figure out what is the best thing for you to do.

Gentle hugs to you!

Not that I'm (necessarily) suggesting this, but a divorce might be in your favor because you have children (i.e. you probably won't end up "homeless"). See what your therapist suggests. If you do go forward with a divorce, make sure that you have a good lawyer.

A part of me agrees with hamster-bamster regarding collecting evidence (can't hurt, right?). After all, your husband lets your son use the computer, and he knows that you know the password.

I wish you and your family the very best. Good luck.

[ptangptang]

How kinky is kinky and what is the fetish.? Before going down the seperating/divorce line is there any way you could play along with him and somehow rekindle your sex life.

[Little Lulu]

This has likely been going on for a while - the only thing that has changed is that you know about it.

My suggestion is that you do nothing right now other than take care of yourself. An appointment with your therapist is a good place to start. Any decision you might make right now can still be made later but a decision you make quickly and without careful thought (after you have calmed down) you may not be able to undo.

Of course you are upset, who wouldn't be? Use your support system - you need it right now.

[BNLsMOM]

Ptang, it wouldn't be appropriate to get into here, and the stuff he wants isn't illegal, I think... But they aren't things I feel comfortable doing. I am not a prude either. I don't think I should have to do things that make me feel uncomfortable to keep him satisfied. He certainly doesn't do that for me, but I haven't gone to solicit people online. He did tell someone that he was willing to pay.

I got a couple of hours of sleep and I guess I did some processing of the situation. I agree that the first step is to talk to my T to sort things out and the second step is to get myself tested for the full panel of STDs. Who knows if he has done anything either before or after we met that he hasn't told me and that could put my health at risk. He has lied about little things, so why not something like this? My third step is probably a lawyer, though it is the scariest of these steps.
I hated sleeping next to him last night. I wonder if I need to just deal with that so he doesn't get suspicious that I know something or if I can use his snoring as an excuse to sleep in the other room. I know he won't give up the bed because I have suggested he sleep in the other room due to his snoring and he said, " since you don't like it, why don't you?"

[ptangptang]

I'm sorry, i didn't mean to sound so cold. I don't really get the whole BDSM scene either but if i loved someone enough i would try and meet her halfway. Or i might enjoy it after all. I guess theres no love left between you and your husband so i guess what other people say is the way to go. Look after yourself first. You really should sit down with him and talk it out though i think. Unless you think he might be violent or whatever. You know him better than we do. Must be very hard for you and i wish you well.

[BNLsMOM]

No, you didn't sound cold. I get what you are saying. There has been so much that has happened with us over the years, money issues, my bipolar, his lack of sex drive( or so I thought). We have been in therapy for 5 years now and it can't help if he is keeping secrets. I feel like if I confront him it would make him even more secretive and if he hasn't already, he might act out.

I am so sad.

[SeekerOfLife]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Hi I have posted here before about the issues my husband and I have and I thought we were doing OK after a talk that I thought was very honest.

Tonight, I went to plug in my phone and my husband's iPad was hooked up to the cord, so I unplugged it so I could hook up my phone and some messages lit up on his screen from a fetish website. I shouldn't have, but I clicked on the message and his password screen came up. I know his password because he lets out son play games on the iPad so I typed the password in and this email account came up full of messages from the fetish board. At first I figured he was just curious so I was going to let it go, but then an email caught my eye. He has been answering ads on CraigsList and looking for sex dates. He even told someone that he has a flexible work schedule and could meet during the day. Incidentally, he has told me that he is so busy at work that he can't get away to meet me for coffee at lunch time.

So, I don't know if he has made any of these meetings happen, but the fact that he is soliciting and looking for local people has me worried that he will escalate and begin to actually meet these people. He even gave one his cell phone number.

I had decided I was going to stay with him because we have kids, but I don't know if I can handle this. I don't even know how to approach him about this. I emailed my therapist telling him about this and I have requested that he call me on my cell tomorrow.

I am FREAKING OUT!

I know I would never do this, but I am so tempted to email this secret account and tell him that he needs to pack up and leave.

We just bought a minivan in his name yesterday. I am afraid I would end up homeless if we divorced, but I don't know if I can live with this. I know it is probably an addiction, and that he probably needs my support but I don't know if I can handle supporting someone who basically ignores me sexually and wants to go out and have sex with others (not just regular sex, he wants kinky things according to the emails).

I just don't know what to do, what to think...I am shattered by this.

Hi. Hugs to you. Yes, talk to your therapist! Yes, talk to an attorney! Yes, take care of yourself! Staying in a relationship like this could actually harm the children. I was in that situation (stay for the children), and my children develped deep disrespect for me because I was willing to put up with being mistreated. Please, do not let fear rule your life. I once did. It is no way to live. Try not to make any decisions until you consult with your therapist, attorney, pastor, friend. You may want to start quietly gathering important papers, some cash, medicines, items of sentimental value. It may also be a good idea to go ahead and open your own bank account. This is a time to put yourself first for a change.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

but the fact that he is soliciting and looking for local people has me worried

Find your anger (instead of anxiety/worry that keeps you from acting on your own and your children's behalf) that he is behaving this way. Even if he has a problem or an "addiction", he is a grown man and responsible for his actions. Go to a lawyer and discuss the situation with her. Two can play the daytime tryst game, only you are playing for yourself and healthy children.

[Confusedinomicon]

I agree with others. You should call a lawyer.

[BNLsMOM]

I have an appointment with my Therapist for tomorrow and next month with my OBGYN to get checked and tested for any diseases. I have a lawyer in mind. Sadly, I was married once before and she did my divorce last time. She does free consultations, so after I talk to my therapist and get some advice from him, I will probably call this attorney's office.

I can't believe I am going through this! Believe me, I am angry. I need to spend some time making myself look good legally if I want to have custody of my son. Right now I am on disability for bipolar. (in remission right now) I have records of being in the hospital mental ward about 10 times in the last 5 years, the most recent being last April. I was on ECT for a year too. I am afraid that he could my instability against me and have me declared an unfit mother. I am a good mother, but I am a terrible house keeper, so if anyone came to check, I could be seen as unfit. I need to get this house in order. (also because we would likely sell it if we divorced.) I have a bank account in my name but without his income, I wouldn't be able to support my kids on my disability. We just bought a minivan in his name, and we were planning on having me drive it, but I do have a paid off car in my name that is in decent condition if I had to leave and couldn't afford the payments on the van. Even though I really like the van and would want it. I have bad credit too so it would be hard for me to buy a new place or even rent an apartment if we sold our house. Those are just the logistical things...there is the whole situation of the emotional toll it would be n the kids to lose their dad. They are too young to be able to explain that he takes selfies of his bum and sends them to people via text and that he is looking for someone to hook up with and having fetishes with.

I am sure there are solutions and maybe life would suck for a while, but the more I think about it, the more I think this is a major deal breaker. Maybe I could get a divorce agreement where I stay in the house wile he pays the mortgage while I build up my credit and then sell the house and buy a condo for myself and my kids.

Sorry this is so long.... I think I know what I need to do...

[hamster-bamster]

Ok, you are getting started to think logistically. This is good!

If prostitution is illegal in your state, then that message in which he made a solicitation being willing to pay might be in your favor to tip the scale (his soliciting paid sex vs your lax housekeeping standards). I can tell you that on the federal level, it IS a very significant wrongdoing, because one has to answer "have you ever solicited prostitution? " when applying for a US visa or US immigration benefits. On the state level - prostitution is illegal in most states. I don't think it should be, but the fact is that it is illegal in your area, most likely, so you can use that fact to level out the playing field, e.g. have something going in YOUR favor, since you haven't made illegal solicitation attempts.

[BNLsMOM]

Good point, Hamster... I wonder if it is illegal to go on his iPad and take pictures of what I saw...

[BNLsMOM]

I just found $400 in cash in the bottom drawer of his night table. Must be his sex money. We almost bounced a check last month and went negative in our account while he is sitting on $400 in cash! What other secrets does he have?

[SeekerOfLife]

Courage sister. You're thinking. Super. Perna pointed out about being angry. You have every right to be angry. You are making some good plans. Be careful. Think things through calmly.

[punkybrewster6k]

This is exactly all the words I was going to tell her. I did all this in advance. It gives you emotional strength when the time comes. I also agree about your children losing respect. It happened to me too.

Sent from my SCH-S720C using Tapatalk 2

[BNLsMOM]

I just took a shower and got calmer. I think I have made my decision. I am just going to need time to get it all together. I am not going to be a victim. I just washed that mentality off of myself. My best revenge is to take care of myself, and get successful! I am starting a business but I held off due to fear. No more. I am going to get so successful that I don't need his money. ( but I will be willing to take what is legally mine, child support, etc.). I am going to call a lawyer and get a consultation.

[BNLsMOM]

Emailed the lawyer.

[vans1974]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Hi I have posted here before about the issues my husband and I have and I thought we were doing OK after a talk that I thought was very honest.

Tonight, I went to plug in my phone and my husband's iPad was hooked up to the cord, so I unplugged it so I could hook up my phone and some messages lit up on his screen from a fetish website. I shouldn't have, but I clicked on the message and his password screen came up. I know his password because he lets out son play games on the iPad so I typed the password in and this email account came up full of messages from the fetish board. At first I figured he was just curious so I was going to let it go, but then an email caught my eye. He has been answering ads on CraigsList and looking for sex dates. He even told someone that he has a flexible work schedule and could meet during the day. Incidentally, he has told me that he is so busy at work that he can't get away to meet me for coffee at lunch time.

So, I don't know if he has made any of these meetings happen, but the fact that he is soliciting and looking for local people has me worried that he will escalate and begin to actually meet these people. He even gave one his cell phone number.

I had decided I was going to stay with him because we have kids, but I don't know if I can handle this. I don't even know how to approach him about this. I emailed my therapist telling him about this and I have requested that he call me on my cell tomorrow.

I am FREAKING OUT!

I know I would never do this, but I am so tempted to email this secret account and tell him that he needs to pack up and leave.

We just bought a minivan in his name yesterday. I am afraid I would end up homeless if we divorced, but I don't know if I can live with this. I know it is probably an addiction, and that he probably needs my support but I don't know if I can handle supporting someone who basically ignores me sexually and wants to go out and have sex with others (not just regular sex, he wants kinky things according to the emails).

I just don't know what to do, what to think...I am shattered by this.

Sorry to hear! Idk what to say, but I'm sorry, but once trust has been broken, I wouldn't know how you can rebuild it! I'd still talk with your counselor and husband and then you might have a better idea of what to do.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm so sorry that this discovery hurt you so badly, but it seems to have pushed you in the (right) directio you've been avoiding for years.

Silver linings heh?

Please let us know how it goes with the lawyer, I suggest you forwarding those emails to yourself and showing them to her. That way she grasps the gravity of the situation quickly and can also advise if the evidence is worth holding onto.

[BNLsMOM]

How do I hide that I have forwarded the emails? I don't want him to know quite yet that I know about it.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm not an apple fan, but I imagine its the same process?

Someone please rectify me if I'm wrong......

Forward it, then delete it from his sent items, then delete it from the trash/recycling bin / deleted items folder.

That should work.

If his emails show up in a thread view (the whole exchange) double check after you've deleted it that there's no record of you being part of the convo.

Buuut. If you know his ipad is sync'd with his phone, don't do that, because his phone will tell him that he forwarded emails to you!

In this case I suggest you take screenshots, and keep the digital copies somewhere safe.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

He has been answering ads on CraigsList and looking for sex dates. He even told someone that he has a flexible work schedule and could meet during the day. Incidentally, he has told me that he is so busy at work that he can't get away to meet me for coffee at lunch time.

So, I don't know if he has made any of these meetings happen, but the fact that he is soliciting and looking for local people has me worried that he will escalate and begin to actually meet these people. He even gave one his cell phone number.

I had decided I was going to stay with him because we have kids, but I don't know if I can handle this. I don't even know how to approach him about this. I emailed my therapist telling him about this and I have requested that he call me on my cell tomorrow.

. I am afraid I would end up homeless if we divorced, but I don't know if I can live with this.

I know it is probably an addiction, and that he probably needs my support but I don't know if I can handle supporting someone who basically ignores me sexually and wants to go out and have sex with others (not just regular sex, he wants kinky things according to the emails).

I just don't know what to do, what to think...I am shattered by this.

Perhaps, your I don't Knows are really I do know what I want and need to do, but are too afraid, to not live the life that you are leading?

Talking about supporting an addiction, is to me, excuse making for someone who isn't giving you the respect that you deserve. If this, were your daughter or sister, or what if it was your own mom, what advice would you give?

Shattering sanity and self esteem, is your happiness and subsequent sanity worth this sacrifice?