[Jenn1fer82]

My family, especially my parents resent me for being the one who continues to confront problems that happens in the family. I'm Vietnamese and theres a saying that they always use against me and it means something like this in English. I'm the haunting ghost of the family that wont let them rest. I tell my family that I'm not the cause of the problem just because I'm daring and willing to confront what is obvious and they are the ones who want to forget and pretend that things are okay. For as long as I could remember ppl have tried to convience me to try to not let things get to me, to let it go, and basically not take it so personal anymore. Its just so much harder when its your own family that you're up against.

I don't attack my family and tell them all the wrong things that are going on. I approach them in subtle ways and wanting to talk things out and when that doesn't work and it continues to get worst it is then that it turns into a shouting match.

Is it better to continue to live a life and pretending and accepting it for what it is? I feel that I need to confront things not because I want to change ppl but because I want my feelings and who I am to be validated when their actions have affected me. Should I have to put my own validation to silence to keep the home quite?

[ster]

I'm not sure does your family honor the those who passed. Not sure is why I ask. If I have said something that will get you upset with me.

[lenjan]

The short answer is NO. You should not give up what you're doing. It's vitally important that you continue to seek validation for yourself. The resistance from your family means they know you're right and don't want to face it.

You're very brave for continuing to call it as it is. Keep telling the truth.



Candy

[(JD)]

Most dysfunctional families have a scape goat..and it looks like you're the one... that you are advocating for yourself of course shines the light upon their ways and makes them feel worse (though they don't know the real reason??)

Do what you need to do to heal from this family's traditions.

[Junerain]

For Jenn1fer82,

My pet peeve is when people say...."...but don't take it personal........don't let things get to you.....let it go...."

These are very trite things to say. Whoever said them wasn't truly thinking of the situation as a whole and was saying simply what is easy to say.

You are correct to confront, especially the way you wrote you do it SUBTLY you sound very wise.

What about family therapy? This would provide a safe environment and you wouldn't need to give up your validation.

Please write us and let us know the latest.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Jennifer --

I grew up as the child of 2nd generation Polish-Slovak immigrants, and I have tried to understand the immigrant experience, because I think it really affects us. I realize that your culture is different from mine, but I think there are some commonalities.

Trying to fit into a new culture. Things such as keeping silent, that in US culture are called dysfunctional, seem to be the "polite" ways to be. I find some of the things that have been said to me very hurtful. As I've grown older, I've come to see that some of the behaviors just come from different pathways, and maybe it is not so good for me to want others to change to be my way. I might say my way is healthier (especially for me), but I also try to honor my elderly relatives, who will not be around so much longer.

I'm not sure if this makes any sense or applies to your situation. Perhaps it comes down to accepting and loving relatives, and trying to overlook their shortcomings as best I can.