[Nirvanah Crane]

I'm in a relationship of 4 months, and I can't even be sure if it means anything to him. He has turned into this really arrogant, insensitive person with no conscience or sense of empathy...

Although undiagnosed, I can be all too certain that I am suffering from some form of depression/experiencing mental health problems, and have been for about 2 years now [I'm 17 by the way].

Last year, I made 3 suicide attempts; one due to a different relationship, and the other two I think were triggered by my own thoughts conjuring up, staying home alone, shutting myself off, etc. and/or problems within the family; arguments, my nan who is in ill-health, and so on.

I also have difficulty in fighting the urge to self-harm. Most recently, I managed about 4 and a half months without cutting, but broke that chain today, with deeper cuts than ever before.

My boyfriend is always making jokes about suicide, depression and self-harm. At first, it was nothing; he didn't know me THAT well, and it wasn't aimed at me... Then it got a bit grating and slightly distressing, and I would politely ask him to stop, as I do not find it funny [still not telling him why at this point]... Things came to a head this week, and I broke down in front of him after a few days of him seeming distant from me, and an episode of depression that seemed to be kicking in. This was when we had probably our only sensitive, serious conversation that begun with me saying "Do you still love me?" He said he did, and listened to me when I eventually got into some brief detail as to why I never appreciate him making the jokes about self-harm, suicide, depression, etc; but I only sort of vaguely said that it was because that's how I used to be...

So I guess I half lied there; the depression has never disappeared, and at the time of the conversation, I hadn't harmed or considered ways to commit suicide in ages.

The next day, it was like that conversation never took place. He continued the whole distant thing, and the jokes. He has wanted to see me less, and I guess I can't be surprised, even if I did only vaguely mention that I have trouble dealing with life; nobody wants a partner that they could lose any day, or a partner that is miserable.

Over last night and today, this has probably been the hardest point in this relationship, and I guess life too, on my half. All last night, I kept a blade by my side, and next to my bed, and merely managed to fight the urge until this morning. I thought about the guy I love, and what he has become, what we have become, etc, etc. It's all too much for me.

The worse thing to think is, that my ex would understand, and just for the support and empathy, I can't stop thinking about him, and I want to go back to him, despite him also having similar problems and causing me almost as much pain; but at least he understands.

I was getting better, really, I was; he seemed amazing, the solution, the one. But he's turning out just like the others, and it's building up along with family problems and is making me like this again.

I am considering suicide once again, and can't stop cutting. I'm heart-broken, and numb. Yet, I love him too much to leave [though, it's more than likely that he wants it to end, but doesn't have the balls]. What can I do?

[Rose3]

Sounds like you appreciate having someone who understands you, especially when some support or empathy is needed. And that's great for you to have been getting better. So - at those times when you turn to cutting, or when you find your thoughts turning to suicide - do you have a therapist or a professional who can help you through this, with development of more positive thoughts, and ways to find relief. Just don't want you to harm yourself (by accident). That would be so unfortunate. Or even call a support line, or go to a hospital? Hoping for you!

[River11]

Oh Nirvana, how I feel for your pain and the loneliness of depression. But you are not alone; keep sharing and reaching out here. And like Rose said, please have a therapist or counsellor to talk to.

Sounds like you've enjoyed some nice boyfriend relationships, but please don't hang all that you are and all that you need on that kind of relationship. It doesn't sound like this one could be the kind of trust and love you're waiting for. It would be very unusual if it were at this young age.

You need to be gentle on yourself and get let yourself get strong for your own sake. Good on you for trying to explain yourself to him, but it sounds like he doesn't have the maturity to understand.

You sound like a lovely, gentle, caring soul, who is a gift to this world, and you definitely deserve to be and feel safe. So please keep taking the steps that help you feel good and care for yourself. You will get through this! And keep talking to us and/or to a counsellor.

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[healingme4me]

Sounds like he's not healthy to be around. People who start off cruel, don't change.

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[Alone & confused]

I usually don't respond to any of the SI's out here because I don't like to give advice to anyone unless I know from experience what they are going through, but I'm going to give this a try. But first, would you PLEASE help me to understand why ANYONE who is hurting as bad as you obviously are, want to inflict MORE pain on yourselves? Why would you lend Your strength to those who are hurting you? I used to do things like that when I was younger, but I'm 44 now and can not for the life of me remember what kind of satisfaction I gained from it. I only hurt myself while the ones who drove me To that point were not affected by it. I'm NOT judging you, I just really need to understand, because I Do want to help you!

[hamster-bamster]

You need therapy, a medical evaluation, a crisis plan written down, regular exercise and time spent outside (hopefully, in the sun, but it depends on your climate), a social worker to help you figure out how to build a network for social support, a regular schedule of meals, sleep, school or work or what have you, with some socializing but no boyfriends - neither this one nor anybody else. It is just not the right time for you now to have boyfriends when you cannot control the basic building blocks of your young life.

I must admit that the nonchalance with which you mentioned THREE suicide attempts (and still no medical evaluation done!) is alarming, while continuous mentions of loving him so much are simply unexplainable - you do not even know him well and long enough to say that!

Hopefully, you will start taking control of your life asap.

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[hamster-bamster]

PS oh, and re: your thread's title - you don't matter to yourself at this juncture. Fix that first.

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