I'm NOT the crazy one!

For years I've been diagnosed with this or that but when I found this site I realized, yes, I was the constant over the years but so were the type of men I allowed into my life. For some reason I attract the passive aggressive narcissistic personalities because of my learned helplessness. I am gaining knowledge now and can see a bigger picture. No medicine in the world will make me make better but choices but being self confident and informed that there are rules to the game gives me power to overcome. Are you involved with this difficult type person and could you give me some tips from your experience that not only defused the issue but kept you sane?

you have discovered something important. I too attract the same type of man so rather than get involved in another unhealthy relationship I choose to remain single and I am happy that way. no more men controlling my life. you have made a very important step in your awareness. now it takes being strong and not getting involved with this type of man in the future because you will still attract them. you have to recognize them early and weed them out. be strong! take care

Hi there, same here, 25 years married to a PA. Only I didn't know what was going on for the first two decades. Why I was in a rage so much of the time... It was so he could feel self righteous because "I don't have an anger problem..." No, he just procrastinated until I did, or forgot until I did, etc. On and on it went till God was kind enough to remove the scales from my eyes and I finally saw him for what he is.

Here is the strategy I developed so that I no longer rage or even feel the slightest discomfort because of him. I cut him out of my emotional life, I have a separate bedroom. I do not discuss anything of any importance with him. I DO NOT ask him to do anything because that gives him power to piss me off by not doing what he agrees to. I ignore him most of the time for my own satisfaction.

If I didn't live in a state which forces one to move out of the house to divorce it would have been done by now. But since for now I am stuck, I simply go on about my life and basically treat him like the child he is. Works for me!

HourHand

Yes, I also have this problem. I 'solved' it in terms of dating by analyzing all of my past relationships, good and bad, and then making a list of red flags and desired attributes. I simply did not date people who had a red flag, no matter how much I was attracted to them. It took a year before I met someone who didn't have any of the red flags -- and we've been together over six years now

Now I think I need to make the same kind of list for evaluating potential friendships. I've realized this year that I have a tendency to attract/be attracted to narcissists as friends as well.

I am finally grasping where my attraction to unhealthy people has come from. My parents. My dad: I've always known was a bad apple. But I have just come to understand how incredibly unhealthy my mother is, and I've had a long, long history of being around her. Minimizing or 'not seeing' her behaviors.

Waking up so late in life is pretty crappy, but it's better than never waking up at all.

I like the Red Flag idea and will use it in the future. I too have begun a similar approach but it hadn't gelled into something as tangible yet.

These user/abuser types are very crafty and have honed their survival mechanisms into a fine art. But I am learning more and more about them every day which will only serve to protect me.

I hope that all of you on this thread will be able to root them out of your life or at least minimalize their impact. They have a way of devistating you for their own satisfaction, how evil can anyone get?

HourHand

I feel like it took me forever to figure it out, too. I also always knew that my father was a bad seed, but I had never realized just how much effect my mother's martyrdom had. Was your mother that way too?

I have an extremely difficult time figuring out where appropriate boundaries are in social relationships. I have the feeling that I spend a lot more time worrying about whether or not I am being selfish or taken advantage of than other people do.

I also feel like I am sending out some signals that draw these people towards me. Here's one theory I'm considering right now. I tend to be quiet and shy in group situations. I might talk to the person sitting next to me, but for the most part I wait for people to approach me as opposed to joining in conversations on my own. I think that makes me a prime target for people who are looking for someone to listen to them. I'm trying to be more proactive about initiating conversations with other people.

Do you all find that you have this problem with friendships also or is it limited to romantic relationships?

It is universal with me. These bad eggs have radar and they just naturally zero in on individuals who fit their criteria and have 'worked' for them in the past. Plus, my earlier inability to spot them, recognize their m.o., and my naturally trusting personality set me up for being victimized.

I am reticent to be involved with anyone now. I've been burned so badly and by so many. I have gone too far into protection mode that it has hampered me somewhat. But frankly, I'd rather have my cats than another knife in the back.

Bless you,
HourHand

Ah, a kindred spirit! It took me forever to realize that my mother wasn't actually being 'nice' when she was being nice. I still feel horrible about having to distance myself from her, and I know she doesn't understand it, but -- yeah, the price tag is too high.

We also did not have people over with the exception of my father's weekly jam sessions. My parents would have us hide if anyone knocked at the door, not wanting anyone to see the messy house or to answer the door to bill collectors. As an adult, I almost never invite anyone into my house because it always seems too messy and ugly. Wonder where I got that from? And why it is so hard to change that mind set (and keep my house neater)??

I agree that spending time alone with my cats is better than being a dumping ground for some narcissist monologue. The idea of spending time with most of my 'friends' is a bummer, not something I look forward to. I agree to meet them and then dread the event until it happens, suffer through the two hours, swear I'll never do that again... and then do it again a month later. I'm getting better, but it is still a struggle.

I feel like I don't recognize these people until it is too late and we already have a regular schedule for seeing each other. It really does make me hesitate to develop new friendships, since I hate the feeling of being 'trapped' that comes after.