Serious trepidation

I just got in contact with a woman on Match.com and we began texting tonight. Overall, I think we have a lot in common, but I just can't escape the terrifying feeling that it won't work. What can I do to make sure it works, and something other than "just be yourself." I wouldn't be in this position if being myself worked. As folks probably know, I am in dire need of some love/sex before I turn 35 or I will probably commit suicide. How can I get these fears out of my head?

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Do you have a crisis line number stored in your phone? Have you written down a list of reasons for living past the age of 35 in case things don't turn out quite the way you hope they would? Do you have close friends of non-romantic nature, and if you do, do you have social gatherings or outings planned with them, at least for the next month?

These are some helpful ways to occupy your mind and take it off dwelling on how this lady from match.com will pan out.

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I was seeing a counselor, but I've had to halt until I get a new job since I don't have insurance. I can't find any reason to live beyond 35 if I'm still a virgin or haven't had a meaningful relationship; even though I'm happy with my career right now, I failed in my dream career, and that's nothing compared to my personal life. I really am starting to distance from my friends; I'm getting sick of seeing and hearing about their personal lives being so wonderful while I'm stuck as a piece of ---- no-good virgin who hasn't had any luck at all. In fact, as of this moment, I'm deactivating my Facebook page indefinitely because I can't take anymore

This doesn't sound good. Call the county mental health office. They might have free or sliding scale psychatrists. Don't discount them because they are not in private practice - I have seen lots of pdocs and the very best do work for the county mental health or VA. Can you halt Facebook updates without deactivating the account? You won't receive any emails from them. I am suggesting it as a temporary measure to solve a temporary problem.

I just got in contact with a woman on Match.com and we began texting tonight. Overall, I think we have a lot in common, but I just can't escape the terrifying feeling that it won't work. What can I do to make sure it works,
You can't do anything to make it work.
I used to not think of it as a 'date' but imagine i was simply meeting a friend from work for a drink & chat, that way I didn't get too nervous.
And the just be yourself thing? dunno. If I was to go out and 'just be myself' I would pretty much sit in silence!
I have to make a effort to be sociable.

One bit of good advice, be a good listener.

I don't like facebook, its a narcissists dream, look at me, me, ME. See how very wonderful I am, I got hundreds of amazing friends. And all those selfies!
And most of it is bullcrap.

If I do so, would I get personalized care? I don't want to go to a psych ward, not only because of cost, but because I will be judged for thinking about suicide over virginity (or being judged as a virgin). No, no, the only thing to help me is sex and love.

I was suggesting an outpatient dr. Yes to personalized care. And, there is very little you can surprise a psychiatrist with. Precious little.

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I trust a psychiatrist wouldn't be judgmental. The group setting concerned me that the other patients would judge me on my virginity and the fact it's driving me to not want to live.

A group practice = several doctors and social workers. Not patients in groups, no. They probably have free peer support groups, but you would not need that kind of thing.

I would like to know if you get raised eyebrows out of a psychiatrist by mentioning virginity. Please report. In return I will tell a story about how I got raised eyebrows and a curious look from my therapist.

Making it to date 3, is really, really important!!!

What are your plans, to sweep this woman off her feet, or at least into your bed?

Plan for date 1?
date 2?
Date 3?

Talk, what's your budget?
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Don't let your virginity push you into things. I'm around your age and still a virgin. It's not that big of a deal. Let things happen the way they happen. I can understand the need to not be so different or what we perceive as different, but there are more people out there than you think that are not sexually active. And no, I don't think you'd surprise a psychiatrist or therapist with that.

I think you should check out your county's mental health services, and if things get worse, please call a hotline.

I would like the 1st date to be to get to know each other, have a nice time at dinner, maybe go to a movie or to the park. 2nd date, I don't know since I rarely get that far

I don't want to go crazy spending since money is a bit tight.

Hi.
Why not simply, not plan?
I think you're doing yourself a disservice by thinking about it being anything other than a meet-n-greet.
Don't "try" too hard, we don't like that, it smacks of desperation (I am not saying you are, simply what CAN be perceived by some)

For a first date off an online dating service, personally I would want a daytime trip to a museum or something like that (something SHE enjoys), followed by lunch.
Unless she suggests dinner, of course.

Don't ask if she would like to go out again at that time.

I'm sure that you are aware of how to charm....hold doors, let her go first, listen with interest and concern....blah blah blah....you know the drill, I'm sure.

Most importantly, treat it as it's own thing and have a good time.

If you do not plan, you cannot fail to achieve so you don't get so frustrated.

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I like sophiesmom's suggestion for date #1. Your idea for date #2. And with a tight budget, cook at home, watch a movie.

I recognize about not wanting to plan, I feel, just don't plan to micromanage, your every moment. Of course, learning to just relax, is much easier said than done, considering the enormous pressure, you are bestowing upon yourself.

Don't be too intense, on any of these dates. Smile, coyly even, brush up on your listening skills, and conversation starters, to not sound too forced or nervous.

Do tell, if you don't mind, a little about this woman, and perhaps, some of us, can give some coaching/guidance

To me, I can see why this is such a big deal for you. Remember to breathe....

Do you have any sisters, or female colleagues that you interact with, to reduce the nervousness?

Remember that the odds are low and treat a success as a pleasant surprise and a blah experience as "whatever".

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