facebook madness. why can't I stop?

I seem fine, getting better. It's been 6 months and I am still alive.. it's been a month since I stopped trying to contact him, since I stopped telling him that I love him and that I don't understand what happened.
I seem ok. I work, I do sports, I try to go out and have fun. But sometimes I get back home and I want to see his face so much, I know I can if I use my other facebook account and go to his page, but I am so scared, if I see something that I don't want to see I will probably kill myself. He already blocked me but I was using another account to look at him sometimes.. I think it is madness and I wish I didn't want to do it but sometimes I do. I need something to stop me because if i see something that I don't want to see I won't handle it! It is a dangerous line that I can't be crossing anymore for my own safety, so why can't I stop? why is it so hard??

I'm sorry if I offend anyone with this, but the best way is to focus on someone else..
I know the feeling. I know it will hurt me if I see things that I don't want to on my ex's page. But still I do look at it, just because I want to see that he hasn't moved on already. This will eventually happen, I know that. So the best way to handle this is being prepared and have someone to catch you when this happens!

Is it because you were not prepared or ready for the end of the relationship with him? It wasn't your choice? If it had been your decision, then likely you would not be going through this - did you ever break off with someone else? When you make the decision to break up, then it seems to be less of this searching for that ex-partner. So - come to terms with what has happened, to realize that you now face things on your own. And hopefully - find someone else, or something else.

No wasn't my choice. It's been a while and I seem to be getting better but sometimes I really want to see what he is up to. It's very bad because I know I won't handle the bad truth. And I am single and there is nothing I can do about it, I will meet someone when I meet someone, I am alone not by choice.

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The compulsion does sound like madness. Have you discussed this with your T or PDoc??

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Yes I did, it got better. I used to text him even tho he was ignoring and blocked me. Now I stopped contacting him but sometimes I really want to see his face. What he is doing.

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You can't stop because you still haven't let go of him, not completely. It's a process that takes a lot of time, especially after the way things ended (I remember your other thread about this). Not contacting him is a first step, and good on you for having the strength to do that!

What do you want or expect to see when you go to his Facebook page? Is it just that you want to see his face? What he's up to? Clues that he moved on? Or maybe, God forbid, clues that he's regretting the breakup?

Thank you Almeera for replying. I don't really know what do I expect to see.. sometimes I miss him even tho I forbid myself to do so, but sometimes I do.. I am afraid to see that he is with someone, I see that he is fine and that he has moved on, makes me feel stupid because I do miss him and he doesn't. Killing me knowing that I was his very bad past.

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You shouldn't feel bad about missing him, it's only natural to feel this way after a breakup!

Something I've found is that the more I try to stop myself from thinking about something, the more I actually think about it; so it might be better to just let these feelings run their course. In doing so, you'll become less and less attached to them. You could even try a simple form of meditation to make it easier to become detached - which will happen, eventually.

Thank you.. I am not into meditation but I could give it a try.. I wish i could control myself more, I really don't want to see something that will break me again, I understand that.

I know you probably don't want to, but I think you should remove all temptation to see him on Facebook. Delete that other account and plan on never going back. You have to look to the future, especially if you want to meet someone new!
Try reading some books on relationships and I'll bet you'll see a few good reasons why you should be happy it didn't work out. Stop thinking the break up was all your fault, there are two sides to every story. You will meet someone who loves YOU for you. Take your life back and do it soon. Good luck and big hugs!

Good for you for curbing those impulses to contact him! I'm sO proud of you light Like I mentioned before, I know what its like to turn into that "stalker" exgf, it ain't pretty and oh so hard to break free from.

If its just a question of seeing his face, why not look at a photo of him? Facebook creeping will just cause you to experience a setback, it may even drive you to contact him (idk, but that's how it was for me) and I would be sorry to see you take a few steps backward when you've made so much progress.

You're doing great, and I'm proud of you. I second getting rid of access to his page, its not done anything but hurt you, I fail to see how it will suddenly be good for you.

Thank you guys, I blocked him on the other page and then deleted the actual page as well. Hopefully it will give me a feeling like there is no way of looking at him a d checking up on his life. Thanks for not judging me because I feel like an idiot when people do coz I don't understand why THEY don't understand how hard it can be and it is very hard for me even tho its been so long! Trust me I do my best to let go I guess for some people it just ain't so easy.

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lightinthesky It is best to try to resist the temptation of looking at his page. I know from experience. It only makes you think the worst and in the end it will only hurt you.
Breakups are hard when you are the only one that cared. I completely understand where you are coming from.
Kat

I agree to a certain point that this is natural. To miss him is normal and natural and people go through a grieving process after breakups. the problem isn't with missing him and having feelings it's about ruminating and feeding an obsession. At this point, it's true you can't stop having feelings, feeling pain and hurt from it still, but you can and must deal with the obsessive part of you that's clinging to something that is over and done. The part that's hard for you is that it wasn't your doing, nor your choice. But still, you have to get to a place where you can say "yeah it hurt, no it's not my fault, but this is what it is."

I'm not sure how you mean but I think the distinction should be made between letting the feelings run their course and feeding the obsession. Have the feelings, accept them, and let them go. Dont' ruminate or obsess over what was lost and cannot be any more.

On a separate note, to address your OP, I would say get rid of your alternate account(s). It's a temptation and it's deceitful. I know that's harsh to say but you've been blocked for a reason and even though I cannot say whether you deserve it or not, he deserves his privacy and your sneaking around to see him is very "stalkerish" behavior and it's really NEVER going to do anything good for either you or him. At best it's going to feed your obsession and drag this out longer, and at worst, he will discover you and it will make for an even more difficult exchange and relationship than you can imagine. Use your real account only and delete the fake one. period.

Keep doing what you're doing. I know you've come a ways from this and I commend you for it. I know it's hard, but keep fighting the obsessive nature in you and keep working on you, be independent, do your sports, and activities and more and more you will start to enjoy life again and stand on your own. You're not doing that part wrong at all, it just takes time for it to affect you fully.

My heart goes out to you. *many hugs* Hang in there.
~S4

Thank you guys so much. I agree that missing is normal and it's one thing but what I do (facebook etc) is something different that I should be able to control. I can't tell you why it is hard. He was everything to me, my world. I hope this will explain something. Hopefully I can be strong enough, I've deleted everything I could except from my real page because I still do and still want to have some life! And again thank you all for your advice.

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Good for you. And better than you think I do, I understand. I have been where you are, no judgement here. just advice You can get past this and I know it seems near impossible or like there's no end in sight but truthfully, there is. It will come

GREAT news! You've taken a very important step with this. I'm proud of you.

By the way - if you want to try meditation, I warmly recommend this video and others by the same channel on Youtube:
The first video walks you through the process and teaches you what to do.

I hope this helps

The underlined part is what I meant. Something along the lines of, Feel the feelings, but don't feel compelled to act on them anymore. Just acknowledge them, and let them pass.