[SickOfSadness]

I just let my boyfriend walk out of my life for good. I feel awful and like such a sh*tty person for not being able to love him like I should. He's everything a girl could ever dream of. He was willing to be with me, even seeing what a wreck I can be and how mean I can be. He was willing to be with me knowing that this damn BP2 will probably never go away. He has such a huge heart and I just shattered it to pieces. Again.

Idk what else to do. I was just being honest with him about my feelings without trying to hurt his. I just couldn't take seeing the hurt in his eyes b/c he could feel the distance from me. He deserves so much more than someone questioning their feelings and love for him.

We were together for 9mo and have broken up 3x. He came back to me every time. I guess I feel like I've questioned whether or not I liked him from the gate. Then I decided that I loved him and was just subconsciously testing him. We talked about our future and I really saw him in it. Now idk what I see or feel.

I feel like I don't have the feelings for him that he does for me. I feel like I'm not head over heels madly deeply in love with him and I should be. This sucks so bad. I really wanted it to work out with him. I can't force myself to be in love with someone though.

Idk why I can't. Idk if I'm scared or have this wall up or if its this *****ng disorder or what... I'm going nuts trying to figure it out.

I guess there's no reason to try to figure it out anymore though, I just let him walk out of my life for good and I didn't try to stop him even though he pleaded for my live. Wtf is wrong with me. I really hate myself right now.

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[CaptainChaos79]

If you love him then maybe you should do something about it before it's too late but if you don't really love him then being honest was the best thing. Never apologize for being honest about your feelings.

Originally Posted by SickOfSadness

I just let my boyfriend walk out of my life for good. I feel awful and like such a sh*tty person for not being able to love him like I should. He's everything a girl could ever dream of. He was willing to be with me, even seeing what a wreck I can be and how mean I can be. He was willing to be with me knowing that this damn BP2 will probably never go away. He has such a huge heart and I just shattered it to pieces. Again.

Idk what else to do. I was just being honest with him about my feelings without trying to hurt his. I just couldn't take seeing the hurt in his eyes b/c he could feel the distance from me. He deserves so much more than someone questioning their feelings and love for him.

We were together for 9mo and have broken up 3x. He came back to me every time. I guess I feel like I've questioned whether or not I liked him from the gate. Then I decided that I loved him and was just subconsciously testing him. We talked about our future and I really saw him in it. Now idk what I see or feel.

I feel like I don't have the feelings for him that he does for me. I feel like I'm not head over heels madly deeply in love with him and I should be. This sucks so bad. I really wanted it to work out with him. I can't force myself to be in love with someone though.

Idk why I can't. Idk if I'm scared or have this wall up or if its this *****ng disorder or what... I'm going nuts trying to figure it out.

I guess there's no reason to try to figure it out anymore though, I just let him walk out of my life for good and I didn't try to stop him even though he pleaded for my live. Wtf is wrong with me. I really hate myself right now.

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You say you let him walk out of your life as if it was his doing and then toward the end you state he pleaded for you. Are you saying you drove him out of your life or did he actually walk away? I ask because the way you state it says two different things. If he walked away, it's not on you but if you drove him away and he just complied to your wishes, then I guess you can say you did that.

Either way, when you know you love someone IMO it will endure all the difficutlies. questioning your disorder and whether that is keeping you from loving him is just faulty thinking IMO.

[SickOfSadness]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

You say you let him walk out of your life as if it was his doing and then toward the end you state he pleaded for you. Are you saying you drove him out of your life or did he actually walk away? I ask because the way you state it says two different things. If he walked away, it's not on you but if you drove him away and he just complied to your wishes, then I guess you can say you did that.

Either way, when you know you love someone IMO it will endure all the difficutlies. questioning your disorder and whether that is keeping you from loving him is just faulty thinking IMO.

I drove him away. I was honest about my feelings. I feel like if u truly love someone, u wouldn't question ur feelings for them. U wouldn't be annoyed with them constantly when they're just trying to be nice and loving and to get affection from u. I guess he was just too much for me. (I.e. Tomorow was our 9mo and he wanted to do something special with me and had something planned. I had to switch my schedule and take the day off and work a double the following day to make up for the hours. Instead of being happy that he wanted to celebrate and do something nice, I was so annoyed that I had to work a double and be back to work for an 8hr shift 5hrs after I got out of the double) I guess I feel like I love him but am not IN love with him and thats not fair to him. He deserves to be loved how he loved me. And I just couldn't do that for some reason

I need to do alot of work on myself. I feel like I'm so wrapped up in this disorder and trying to analyze things that it keeps me from being happy. My mind gets flooded with doubts all the time. Which probably stems from low self-esteem. Im just not happy with myself.


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[gayleggg]

Glad you found PC. It's a great place to share your thoughts and feeling. It's a very supportive site.

[happiedasiy]

Dear SICKOFSADNESS,

Sounds like to me you have a good guy!
He loves all of you!
You have obstacles with emotions and he is willing to deal with that.
When my guy told me he loved me, it was quick, and I was unsure of what I felt, so I said thank you. Almost 20 years later we still love oneanother in spite of all the obstacles he and I have.
You have to really believe you are worthy of his love and hold onto that when you start to analyze your condition. In time emotion can be dealt with appropriately and when you feel like pushing him away or running away, stay.
I think you love him but you are unsure of yourself.
H.

[SickOfSadness]

Originally Posted by happiedasiy

Dear SICKOFSADNESS,

Sounds like to me you have a good guy!
He loves all of you!
You have obstacles with emotions and he is willing to deal with that.
When my guy told me he loved me, it was quick, and I was unsure of what I felt, so I said thank you. Almost 20 years later we still love oneanother in spite of all the obstacles he and I have.
You have to really believe you are worthy of his love and hold onto that when you start to analyze your condition. In time emotion can be dealt with appropriately and when you feel like pushing him away or running away, stay.
I think you love him but you are unsure of yourself.
H.

I don't believe that I'm worthy of his love. I do love him but I feel as though I'm not IN love with him. He said that he's not coming back this time. Idk what I want. I know I don't want to hurt him anymore. I felt like me telling him that I love him too was kind of forced. I feel like my heart should melt when I see or think about him & it doesn't. I didn't want to be around him more than I did. I made him a card for Valentine's day with a poem and it kind of didn't really feel heart felt. Every time we got back together I wasn't thrilled. I kind of feel like I was guilted into it in a way. This really sucks. He's an amazing man, but I don't love him or treat him like I should for some reason. I wish I could. He really irritates me when he's just trying to be nice and loving. I think I don't really see him as a man.. He needs a lot of affection and that makes me want to push him away. I really dislike myself and the way that I am :-(

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