[Admadguy]

I am 33 and I have fallen in Love with this girl whose 30 divorced from a disastrous marriage that lasted 1 year but she has effectively stayed with her husband only for 6 months, this was her first relationship ever and whatever happened it was not her faullt and i know the entire story in detail, she was cheated and deserves a much better life and hence she walked out of the marriage seeking a better life partner.

They had a very brief sexual relationship cause the relationship was plagued with disappointment and no mutual respect since the man was living on her earnings.

She is an amazing woman and I respect her for what shes achieved, she comes from a very reputed family and is a clear heart person.

I have been seeing her for a year now and everything about her is good however because I am clinically diagnosed as OCD i have this mental block fueled by society that a divorcee and a non virgin is not a good idea.

I am quite open minded and it never struck me before but because i love her so much the thot of exclusivity is bothering me.

I wish to overcome this irrational continous bombardment of negative thoughts and totally forget her past so that i can give a meaning to this relationshipand get married to her without a mental block.

Is divorce and Virgnity such a big deal? Does that make her an Impure Soul?

i have had several relationships and sexual partners in the past and Im not a virgin myself, where as she had only 1 sexual relationship which was marriage that did not last long.

I would really appreciate guidance on the above.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Admadguy, and welcome to Psych Central! Please keep in mind that if you are condemning her for her non-virgin status while thinking your non-virgin status is fine, then you are holding her to a double standard. Not to be picky, but if you are somehow thinking about this matter from a religious perspective, then at least she was married when she had sex.

I think many religions are now more accepting of divorces. I know mine now even allows divorced clergy. They are saying the involved scriptures refer to the days back then when, if a woman wasn't married, then she often had to support herself as a prostitute.

I actually suggest you talk to a counselor about this matter. It's not fair to her to hold back your affection and total commitment because of your obsessions. Okay?

Originally Posted by Admadguy

She is an amazing woman and I respect her for what shes achieved, she comes from a very reputed family and is a clear heart person.

This^^ Stop right there and go with that. That's all taht should matter to you. Ruminate and fight your mental "block" with this. What you know is right and good about your partner!

i have this mental block fueled by society that a divorcee and a non virgin is not a good idea.

First problem, you're allowing a stereotype to be your focus of your obsession/ruminations. You have to stop and think about how absurd the idea that those two things have any affect on the quality of partner you have. Just the same as a person could have been brought up in poverty and be wildly successful in life or remain in the clutches of poverty, a person divorced and having a sexual past does not say anything to the quality of the person you are with at all. It's all ruminations about something that is not real.

I am quite open minded and it never struck me before but because i love her so much the thot of exclusivity is bothering me.

Another problem is right here, as you state or are in denial about this. How is one open minded at all when they are bothered by something as stereotypical as all divorced non virgins are tainted? That's where the disconnect is. Once you realize you're not open minded about it at all you can then begin to work on being that way.

Is divorce and Virgnity such a big deal? Does that make her an Impure Soul?

Nope. Character is completely separate from those things. As I stated above. Besides she was married and married people have sex. It's a given and even if she were promiscuous before it would not necessarily say that she remained so but she's not. How much less should it affect your view of her?

i have had several relationships and sexual partners in the past and Im not a virgin myself, where as she had only 1 sexual relationship which was marriage that did not last long.

Again, the double standard of men comes into play. Even though you don't intentionally think this way, it is, indeed a double standard. Ask yourself, why is it that you're not thinking YOU'RE impure, tainted or less than perfect as a partner but the female is? Does your having a past and married before make you less of a person? NO. Apply the same measure of judgement to others that you apply to yourself or you're always going to have trouble.

[Admadguy]

Thank you both for your valuable advice.

I know I am ruminating with double standards.

I just needed some more clarity on the fact NOT from the religious standpoint, I am not religious at all, but considering she is divorced and I am unmarried does that put me at a disadvantage?

Also is there any difference with me being with several partners sexually before and she being with this one guy married and having sex, question is marriage is no different than an intimate long term relationship right?

does the stigma about divorce still remains in the present day? does divorce mean the same thing as a broken intimate relationship?

Would appreciate if you clear my concepts and help me put this behind my back and live happily with her.

OCD is refraining me from loving her totally.