[FamilyMan68]

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm putting this as briefly as I can.

I was raised by my mother in an abusive, neglectful way. Several therapists to whom I've told my story tell me that my mother acts like a two year old, and has borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. (How could they say that if they didn't meet her, but they say that based on what I've told them of my childhood, etc.)

I have, however, tried desperately, to keep a relationship with her. Not so much for me, but for her. Out of obligation, guilt, whatever. I believe in my heart she is a loving her person, and loves me and tries to be there for me in the ways she knows how.

BUT: my 11 year old daughter HATES my mother. My daughter loves everyone else in my wife's family, and even my family, but she cannot STAND my mother. This is because of how my mother has acted, and treated her. I believe it is my mother's doing and her refusal to accept responsibility. My daughter is thriving in her life in all ways, but cannot stand my mother.

(5 years ago I was walking with my other daughter, and a drunk driver ran his vehicle into us. My daughter was killed, and I suffered horrific damage, but survived. So, my 11 year old (then 7) lost her sister.)

My wife cannot STAND my mother, because of my mother has acted.

My wife and daughter haven't been to my mom's place in over a year, and I have stopped asking them to come and "try to get along". It just doesn't happen. It can't. My mother will start up right away with something. She ruins it.

My mother chose to smoke while pregnant, and I was born premature and almost died. She chose to smoke in my face as a child. Now she has COPD and emphysema. Trying to talk to her about this stuff is impossible. She's freakishly unreasonable and illogical, and now, she cries that her breathing is affected by the conflict.

Once a month I have been taking my 3 year old son so my mom's. He has some issues (autism) and opens and closes doors, which my mother has refused to get doorknob covers for. She finally said she'd go to the hardware store to "accommodate" me. Even when I take my son there, she finds a way to ruin it half (or more) of the time. Like complain that I don't see her enough.

I must be stupid to keep this up. She can be very loving with my son, and was very loving with my daughter who was killed. But her mental problems (which she says she doesn't have) have made my daughter and wife not want to be around her. I don't even really want to be around her, right now. I have tried to be a good son, to the point where I have caused problems in my own family.

I have this "hook" in me. How the heck to do let it go? I've been to therapy. I tried therapy with my mother. Helped, some, but she wont' acknowledge her problems.

I want to get this "hook" out of me, even though I love her, and she loves me. I can't stand this. I'm supposed to take my son to my mom's alone because my wife and daughter can't stand her?!

I must look REALLY stupid.

[SickOfSadness]

I can't tell you how to set yourself free from the 'hook', but i just wanted you to know that your not alone. You don't look stupid. I get it. I have issues with my mom as well and can't let go b/c she (and my grandma) raised me & I'm her only child. I feel like I personally need to forgive and let go, but it's difficult. And I'm not necessarily saying that you should or shouldn't, it depends on the situation...

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[FamilyMan68]

Originally Posted by SickOfSadness

I can't tell you how to set yourself free from the 'hook', but i just wanted you to know that your not alone. You don't look stupid. I get it. I have issues with my mom as well and can't let go b/c she (and my grandma) raised me & I'm her only child. I feel like I personally need to forgive and let go, but it's difficult. And I'm not necessarily saying that you should or shouldn't, it depends on the situation...

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Thank you for understanding. It helps to hear I'm not alone. I too am an only child. I've tried to forgive my mom, but she always screws up and starts up again. My wife and daughter just can't stand her, and I totally get it. Nor should they have to be around it.

[SickOfSadness]

I hear you on that. I'd say do what's best for u, your mentality/emotions & your family...

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I understand what you are going through. My mother was a drug addict/alcoholic when I was a child and was very neglectful and very mentally abusive when I was growing up. My father was the same way (drug addict/alcoholic) but he wasn't around much, but we still fought often, almost every time I seen him.

Now I am 25 years old and am married to a man that has two kids from a previous marriage, plus my two from and a new little one on the way. My mother has changed, and is on medications and what not, but it doesn't change the fact that I worry a lot about what she will say when she comes around me. That I try and avoid her as much as possible.

My advice would be to voice your thoughts to your mother, as in, how she is when you come over with your son. But when you do (since you know your mother) watch how you say what you want to say, so that she doesn't freak, so to speak. As far as your wife and daughter and yourself you guys need to sit down and talk. Maybe they can give you tips on how to get the 'hook' out maybe?

Also forgot, there is a website that might be able to help. http://www.mentalfeel.com/how-to-fix...fe-once-again/

This falls for basically any relationship not just a love relationship.

Also another one that might help you with your mother. http://www.mentalfeel.com/how-to-ove...fe-back-again/

[VinMist]

I don't know how to let go other than completely blocking her from my life completely. But I do understand completely...my mother continues to deny the existence of her issues. She is perfect in every way and even when she does make a mistake, it wasn't as bad as it could have been...and so on.

I guess in my experience, its an all or nothing kind of thing...and yes I know that's not necessarily the correct always of things. But I'm either in contact with her or I'm not.

Also...something that helps me...just because I am trying to get Bette and manage my problems doesn't mean she (or anyone else in my life for that matter) is.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you are able to detach. Lemme know how you did it...perhaps it'll work for mine too!

I must be stupid to keep this up. She can be very loving with my son, and was very loving with my daughter who was killed. But her mental problems (which she says she doesn't have) have made my daughter and wife not want to be around her. I don't even really want to be around her, right now. I have tried to be a good son, to the point where I have caused problems in my own family.

I have this "hook" in me. How the heck to do let it go? I've been to therapy. I tried therapy with my mother. Helped, some, but she wont' acknowledge her problems.

I want to get this "hook" out of me, even though I love her, and she loves me. I can't stand this. I'm supposed to take my son to my mom's alone because my wife and daughter can't stand her?!
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Wow, you are a good son for still trying to get along with your mother after all that! I think that deep down you are hoping that she will eventually change or see the error of her ways. However, I highly doubt that will happen. Experience has taught me that very few people ever change unless they are highly motivated to do so and that they're aware of the fact that what they're doing is wrong. Apparently your mother doesn't seem to think that she is doing anything wrong at all.

Since you say that your daughter and your wife really dislike your mother, don't try to force them to get along with each other or even talk to each other at all, even if it's just over email or the phone. You stated above that it's causing problems for you in your family, so don't make things worse for yourself and everyone else by trying to force them to have a relationship with your mom.

Perhaps one day they'll come around, but until then, they might start feeling a sense of obligation and guilt that will only lead to more resentment if you keep on expecting them to get along with your mother. They have the right to feel the way that they do and honestly, I would not want to have anything to do with a person like that if I were them.

I think it'd be for the best if you cut your visits with your mother short when she acts up and upsets you. She sounds like a toxic person. Although you think that she is not really a bad person, she is toxic. Perhaps doing some research on toxic people and dysfunctional parents, you can find ways to cope with what you're going through. Therapists don't always help IMHO. A lot of them have this one size fits all approach to certain issues it seems like. Also, look into books about people like your mom.

Keep your contact with your mom minimal and walk away or cut your calls short and say that you have to go when she starts acting toxic. If you don't do this, then you'll only be enabling bad behavior. I'm no expert on this topic, but I do think that I'm fairly smart and I have good common sense when it comes to certain things.

I still have to deal with my dysfunctional parents from time to time, but I cut off most contact with them for my own sanity. I can only tolerate them in small doses and I have made it clear to what I will not tolerate from them.

It's taken years for them to finally treat me with a little more respect! I'll never be able to change them, but I can change how I react to them, so I did! I ignore them when they act rude, annoying, and nasty most of the time now. Don't forget, do NOT ask your family to get along with your mom until they are ready to!

[tryinghard973]

Wow I feel your pain. I grew up with a great mother. I was always close to her but the past 15 years have been tough. I did the damage so I'm grateful that I didn't have to grow up in abuse like you. I have so much guilt and as you get older and start too realize this it grys harder. I'm 36 now and can't believe I didn't care because of drugs. I never treated my parents nice so I can't let that guilt go. I never thought about it, the drugs really clouded my brain. So my mother is almost 70 and our relationship is horrid. Its like we can't even talk to each other. I wish I can have a relationship with her. I can't let the guilt go of what I did. Why didn't I just put all the energy I put into drugs into my family. Why did I for this.