My family were and still are as cold as an ice box. Mom and Dad growing up, hardly ever hugged me or showed me any love. I know that's not an excuse to be moaning or to whinge but it's just the truth and I don't care what people say, lack of love when you're growing up really has an impact on you as you grow older. I am cold person because of how my parents lacked warmth towards me. Emotions did not happen in our house, we never talked about how we felt about things.
I am afraid to have a relationship with a woman for fear of showing coldness to her or any future family, I'd hate to repeat the same mistakes as my parents did to me. I have love to give but I just am afraid to show it, I don't know how to. Hugging kids would just seem so foreign to me, almost creepy. That's just fecked up really like, imagine not wanting to cradle your own child. Jesus.
All they had to do was to show some love. Maybe if they had to have a daughter, I'd have a sister, and then maybe I'd understand women better too. Sometimes it can feel so hopeless. I don't know how to express all this love that I have deep inside me that's dying to get out and be shared but my mind stops me, I know I can't be who I want to be.

[Rose3]

Hi Dylan - Thank you for explaining about your thinking that your parents interactions with you influenced your sense of being cold. Maybe their parents were like that too? And if so, then they don't know how to be other than cold? I appreciate that you don't want to repeat their mistakes. If you feel awkward about showing affection or hugging kids - then maybe try other ways to be positive. That's great the you are aware of your own capacity for feeling love - and this sounds very positive. Of course you can be who you want to be. Aim for happiness.

[danvb]

Dylan, my good man! Just think of the advantage you now have that your parents probably didn't have. Because they were cold to you, you know what that's like enough to know that THAT certainly isn't what you want to be. You have an awareness that there is another way of being where they probably didn't. But, with awareness comes choice. As Rose3 said, maybe your grandparents were just as cold you your parents who, in turn, are cold to you. You can choose to continue with this generational cycle of coldness or you can choose to break that cycle and be the person you actually ARE. Yes, you ARE filled with Love that's yearning to break out of that cycle of unhappy coldness. We all have the capacity and desire to give and receive Love. It's built into all of us. Don't let fear stand in the way of your happiness. That IS the one big thing that's blocking your way. You say you don't know how to express your emotions? Dylan, your emotions need no training or instructions on how to act. Your emotions are pretty darned good at expressing themselves all on their own thank-you-very-much. No, it isn't that you don't know how to express your emotions, it that you are letting your fear of the unknown, fear of looking foolish and fear of being rejected stand in the way of you allowing youself to come out from behind the dark curtain of fear and uncertainty.
As far as hugging your kids goes, once you unleash yourself and let out the real you, I'm sure that you'll find you'll be hard pressed to NOT hug your children... But, that's only if you allow the Loving person that's inside of you to break free and escape that miserable cycle of unhappy coldness that has plagued you your whole life.

Please, forget the "why's", the "wherefore's", the "what if's", the "if only's" and the "how come's" of how your parents treated you when you were growing up. None of those things matter any longer. They are ghosts from the past that can only haunt you if you allow them to. Put them behind you and move on. You are NOT that person! If you were, do you think you would have started this thread? No. You most certainly would not have. So, there IS the real you that's just waiting to set foot in that wonderous place where you can Love and be Loved in return.

Dylan, it isn't that you can't be who you want to be, because that person is already inside you. The question is whether or not you can learn to release your fear and BE the person you already are. If you have a T, talk with them about it. I'm sure they will be able to help you overcome the fears and uncertainties that are so prominent in your life right now.

I wish you contentment.
Dan

[Lendir]

Dylan, I can relate, I grew up in a large family with an alcoholic father that only came around when he had money, for a night. I can't say he was very abusive to me, except on one occasion when he chased an older sister and myself around the dining room in a drunken stupor, trying to hit us with clenched fists. I was second to the youngest and the only child that received any form of caring was my younger brother, which in of itself was very lacking. Not only did we not receive love, our parents would get pleasure in making us feel uncomfortable, angry and insecure, this seemed to be a bond the two of them shared. I may be somewhat older than you, I have been married had a child (this boy was the only person I could have shown love for). None of my relationships last very long, I have a mistrust in most people to this day. When I have good relationships with others, friends or dating, I tend to turn my back on them for fear of being used. I am not religious, but I have something like a built in good-bad meter if you will. I actually get physically sick if I even think of stealing or lying to anyone. Not sure how that happened to me. In short, I hope you find a way to overcome this lack of feeling love, please keep searching and I hope you don't become as lonely as I have been, all my life.

[yumi]

I can also relate to this as well. Parents divorced, dad was alcoholic, didnt receive enough love or hugs or affirmations either. Focus was always on what was wrong with me instead of praising the good in me. We were not really allowed to talk about feelings, so I suppressed them. Then when I was an adult, I didn't know how to express myself well...I didn't know how to deal with all the anger. I have love in me, a great deal of it, but I'm. So messed up in this illness it robs me of attaining happiness.