[aqsam]

I am in love with someone I met online. I know him personally, He is sweet, kind,talented, funny and we belong to the same place. Though we haven't met in person. The thing is I am an over emotional guy. I can't tolerate it when I know he is talking to someone else, when he is liking something I don't like and when he is online but appearing offline. I know its crap and since a year I have been trying to cope these stupid feelings but I can't help it. Once, one of the mentioned occurs, I feel so heart broken and sadistic. It's ruining my life and badly effecting my work and health. What should I do? I have many other hobbies like book reading, music/movies, but when its time I leave everything and just wait for him, while he is much more sensible and keeps himself engaged in activities BUT also takes care of keeping in touch with me. I just want to respect him and give him his space,but this anxiety, fear of communication,doubts (sometimes), wanting/expecting a lot,inferiority complex and over thinking is killing me.I have started hating myself. Help me Please!!!

[Rose3]

It's important for you to be aware of the way your feelings and thoughts are affecting your work and health - as you've mentioned how things seem to be going along badly. But - your life is not ruined (so try to change that view). Are there some ways for you and this other person to create some balance, so that each one of you has their desired space along with understanding of what is desired or needed? Maybe it's a change in communication? What would you think might be changed?

[Perna]

You need to get to know more people, in person, not just online. Reading and listening to music/watching movies are solitary, non-interactive hobbies; get a hobby out in the world with other people and learn to interact with them better so you have your own self and are not so dependent on someone else's.

[Rose3]

Hi Aqsam - So I just read some of your earlier posts and now have more of a picture, so here is where I discovered some of your many strengths. Please don't hate yourself. Maybe try to give yourself a bit more distance/space from this relationship for a while - and get involved again in some of those activities (such as photography, writing poetry, dance - actually why not try more of the arts? In this way you can meet other people). You describe yourself as having been outstanding.

[brainhi]

They say when you are doing something that has bad consequences...and effects a lot of areas of your life...it's like an addiction that is ruining your life, your job, your health...sometime relationships are all consuming. But hopefully not for very long. Make sure you are in reality about what is going on so you are not setting up senarios in your head that may not even by true - and you are torturing yourself for nothing.

[aqsam]

Originally Posted by Rose3

Hi Aqsam - So I just read some of your earlier posts and now have more of a picture, so here is where I discovered some of your many strengths. Please don't hate yourself. Maybe try to give yourself a bit more distance/space from this relationship for a while - and get involved again in some of those activities (such as photography, writing poetry, dance - actually why not try more of the arts? In this way you can meet other people). You describe yourself as having been outstanding.

Yes ROSE3.Thank You for your reply and understanding. I have huge interest in arts. Actually my to become a Novel writer is still my dream. I am a good poet as well. Anonymously, my poems have been appreciated. Same goes for photography. These days, due to all my Love-Obsession, I can't write,although each morning, first thing that comes into my mind is, I'm gonna write a great poem today. Same goes for my novels reading hobby. As comes the night, I am again sitting in front of computer/with cell phone waiting for him, forgetting each and everything. Idea of being away from the relationship sounds good. I tried. But every time after each 3,4 days, I comeback with fear of him forgetting me. Though he always says he missed me. I am worried now because it'as been for months now. I need focus , I need to concentrate, but I can't.

[aqsam]

Originally Posted by Rose3

It's important for you to be aware of the way your feelings and thoughts are affecting your work and health - as you've mentioned how things seem to be going along badly. But - your life is not ruined (so try to change that view). Are there some ways for you and this other person to create some balance, so that each one of you has their desired space along with understanding of what is desired or needed? Maybe it's a change in communication? What would you think might be changed?

The thing is in spite of talking and loving each other for like 2 years now, we still are not open. being gay is hard.But your point makes sense. Specially a change in communication is needed badly. I am gonna think about that. Thank You.

[aqsam]

Originally Posted by brainhi

They say when you are doing something that has bad consequences...and effects a lot of areas of your life...it's like an addiction that is ruining your life, your job, your health...sometime relationships are all consuming. But hopefully not for very long. Make sure you are in reality about what is going on so you are not setting up senarios in your head that may not even by true - and you are torturing yourself for nothing.

That's the misery. I am obsessed and over thinker. I make situations in my mind and become sad/happy. I wish I could be more of a realistic person.

[Trippin2.0]

It can become very unhealthy when someone enters a relationship but doesn't know how to balance being in a relationship, and having their own interests, friends etc...

I was a lot like you describe when I was much younger, and thank God I listened to my mom and put dating on hold. Because even when I got older, I still let my relationship consume me, imagine if I had dated during high school!

"A" student would've probably dropped out!

What I'm trying to say is this, if you can't live your life and have a bf, then you probably shouldn't even have a bf right now.

Firstly it screws up your days and nights (no writing, no living, just waiting to be noticed by bf)... and then it also places undue pressure on the bf, because he's now unwillingly responsible for your very happiness... and that's really unfair.

A relationship isn't about being someone's reason to breath, nobody's life should revolve around another's.

Ideally, there should be 2 whole people, combining their lives together.

Now you're already dating, I'm not saying you guys should break up, that's not my call at all. But what I am saying is find a way to strike that balance, where you spend more time enjoying yourself than waiting for his attention. Find that balance where your world or life doesn't revolve around what bf is feeling, saying or doing. Where you don't wait around to see his move before you make yours...

Find that balance before you drive the 2 of you apart. I know its hard, balance is really not my forté, but 4 yrs later my current bf is still around, so I dare say I have gotten much better at it over time.

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by aqsam

That's the misery. I am obsessed and over thinker. I make situations in my mind and become sad/happy. I wish I could be more of a realistic person.

You will eventually learn what works for you. You are doing the right things and getting support and ideas from others..I just posted this quote recently..
so try...but it takes time to learn and to keep learning...

"Almost all our suffering is the product of our thoughts. We spend nearly every moment of our lives lost in thought, and hostage to the character of those thoughts. You can break this spell, but it takes training just like it takes training to defend yourself against a physical assault" Sam Harris

[aqsam]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

It can become very unhealthy when someone enters a relationship but doesn't know how to balance being in a relationship, and having their own interests, friends etc...

I was a lot like you describe when I was much younger, and thank God I listened to my mom and put dating on hold. Because even when I got older, I still let my relationship consume me, imagine if I had dated during high school!

"A" student would've probably dropped out!

What I'm trying to say is this, if you can't live your life and have a bf, then you probably shouldn't even have a bf right now.

Firstly it screws up your days and nights (no writing, no living, just waiting to be noticed by bf)... and then it also places undue pressure on the bf, because he's now unwillingly responsible for your very happiness... and that's really unfair.

A relationship isn't about being someone's reason to breath, nobody's life should revolve around another's.

Ideally, there should be 2 whole people, combining their lives together.

Now you're already dating, I'm not saying you guys should break up, that's not my call at all. But what I am saying is find a way to strike that balance, where you spend more time enjoying yourself than waiting for his attention. Find that balance where your world or life doesn't revolve around what bf is feeling, saying or doing. Where you don't wait around to see his move before you make yours...

Find that balance before you drive the 2 of you apart. I know its hard, balance is really not my forté, but 4 yrs later my current bf is still around, so I dare say I have gotten much better at it over time.

I read your reply for like 5 times and had my blood screaming in my veins. You are right. I need balance. How? I have no idea. But now as I am trying to understand the problem, I have hope that sooner I'll start getting better. As the first step, I have already started following a time table, (though I still can't help staring at his name when he is online and waiting when he says Hi ) But like you said, "A relationship isn't about being someone's reason to breath, nobody's life should revolve around another's." Thank you so much. I hope it'll help me. God Bless.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by aqsam

I read your reply for like 5 times and had my blood screaming in my veins. You are right. I need balance. How? I have no idea. But now as I am trying to understand the problem, I have hope that sooner I'll start getting better. As the first step, I have already started following a time table, (though I still can't help staring at his name when he is online and waiting when he says Hi ) But like you said, "A relationship isn't about being someone's reason to breath, nobody's life should revolve around another's." Thank you so much. I hope it'll help me. God Bless.

I'm sorry if my response seemed a bit harsh, but I find that it isn't always helpful to dress up the truth in pretty bows and glitter

I'm glad that after a few tries you could identify that I was only trying to help, and even happier still that you are trying to apply what I said.

I know it's not easy, but with practice, it does become a more natural response / reaction and balance starts to develop.

Annd like we both agree, balance is important, whether either of us like it or not

Sometimes its really hard for me and I have to take it to the extreme and put my phone away in a drawer, so no, I don't always have it figured out, but my relationship is much healthier since I've been making an effort to be an individual independant of my boyfriend.
And with him knowing this does not come naturally and appreciating my efforts, it just adds that little cherry on the cake for me.

I hope your timetable helps you, and maybe you can even start a thread on methods to create and maintain balance, and we can all help eachother out with tips and tricks we've learned.